Opinion On A Song

[mypaddedroom]

As most of you know I write music(rap music) I get all my music from my heart. I am trying to make a song Titled "If The World Were Mine" I want this to be a deep song. I wrote this so tell me is this a ok way to start a song off? it's easy for me to write songs just not start them off...

Open your eyes to the lies/

Let go of the pain inside that your tryin' to hide//

So walk with me let me show you how it would be if the world were mine/

I'd go back in time to the day that you were mine//

Or I'd make you mine forever so that we'd both shine/

think this is a ok way to start off

[TooFarGone]

Ok, honest critique time.

I really like the lyrics, but the rhythm seems off. I also dont like the fact that you rhymed mine with mine.

[Sphinx]

I agree, the lyrics are deep and thoughtful. They are touching, but the rhythm is thrown off by the third line.. i think it has too many syllables... good luck though, i myself am writing a song at the moment. Let me know how you go...

[Sphinx]

Ok, honest critique time.

I really like the lyrics, but the rhythm seems off. I also dont like the fact that you rhymed mine with mine.

750911[/snapback]

I agree, the lyrics are good, possibly a little... forced "deepness"... but the rythm is definatley thrown off in the third line... good luck.