How Does One Overcome Timidity?

[Voyager]

As far back as I can remember, I was a very soft spoken child. People always had to ask me 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 times "Huh? ...What did you say? ...I can't hear you?.... Speak up!... Put some base in your voice!" And even today, at age 29, I still get the same responses. If people couldn't guess my sexual preference from my physical demeaner, they would certainly wonder from the way I talk. I think that's why I talked so low, for the most part, because whenever I talked loudly, my voice would get high!

It is not as bad now. Thankfully, my voice is a little deeper, but it's still very subtle. I have tried my best to have a loud, deep, authoritative voice, but I eventually just gave up on trying, because it doesn't seem to fit my personality. My whole demeaner is meek... not necessarily humble. It's just laid back, passive, subtle, bland, boring. I used to really hate that about myself. I think I'm very boring. There's nothing naturally outstanding or special about my physical appearance, and most times I feel ugly. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm slow with everything (even as a child, in daycare, I remember I would get my lunch tray taken from me every day, after I was the last kid left with my tray still half full), I can't play any kind of sport. It's like I have no talent. People have usually laughed at me when I tried to play sports, because I look so awkward--and if they don't laugh, they just have a stunned look on their face, or just shake their head in pity. So I just gave up on it.

The only thing that I can do is draw, which people have always complimented me on. At one point, I got a very big head because I (secretly) felt like I was finally good at something. I showed it off like it was gold, and made sure everywhere I went, people knew that I could draw. So now it's like what I'm known for. Now, I'm sick of that because it seems I've been put in a box and now everyone sees me as a drawing machine, like that's all there is to me. So I stopped drawing for a few years. I thought I needed to stop anyway because I didn't like how people were perceiving me--as this stuck up, arrogant, self absorbed person.

At some point in my school days--middle school and mostly highschool, I endeavored to be more authoritative, but I was always unsuccessful. At best, I became this obnoxious, homophobic (pretentiously anyway), semi-effeminate boy. I think I confused people, for the most part. I really just wanted attention and didn't know how to get it, because I had no real self esteem/respect, and there was nothing overtly interesting about me.

The truth is, I am very insecure. One guy told me that I was the most insecure person he had ever seen. I laughed hard because of how straight forward he was, and because of how true it probably was. I don't know if insecure people usually admit, or know they're insecure, but I do know it. I feel like I have no identity of my own, and I have a face for every person and occasion: I've been called fake a time or two... I still live with my mother (which I've also been condemned for), I have no real job, I've never been behind the wheel of an automobile and don't know how to drive, or have a license. I can't fight; I would always either cry or tremble uncontrollably in the face of confrontation. I feel like I have no back-bone. ...One of my aunts once told me that I had lived such a sheltered life that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I agree.

I mentioned in another thread how people always told me I was weird, psycho, or ask what's wrong with me. The last steady job I was on, one of my co-workers--a really funny, loud, outspoken guy, asked me in front of the whole crew, "what's wrong with you?... Something is wrong with you!... Why are you so timid?" That was like a eureka moment, because someone actually called me out on it. I mean people have always seen me as weak, and I’ve been called a “wuss” and a "punk" a few times. Those in my family tend to romanticize and make it something special... "He's so humble," "He's soft spoken," "He's a gentleman," "He's a good boy." But that's what family does: and I also have a very matriarchal family--immediate and extended (so of course, they're going to be softer). But Strangers just call it how they see it. And it's not cute to me. I'm sure that a lot of people see me as a sorry excuse for a man. I've been told it in so many ways, and those who don;t openly say it, I know they're thinking it. My own mother has suggested it on several occasions, even though it's not like she has really pushed me to get an education, or to be more of a man.

I don't want to be weak and timid, because weak people get ran over and used as a doormat. I know first-hand that nice guys do finish last. I think part of why I am like I am is because I don't want to hurt people—although I have (I'm not an angel by any means). But I've learned the hard way that people who don't want to hurt people are the people who get hurt the most. I have thought about just becoming a big conceited jerk who runs over everyone and doesn't care, but I can't be that kind of person. I so envy people who can though. Ironically, those are the types of guys who I'm most attracted to--the very masculine, domineering, powerful, aggressive type (which is damn near impossible to find in the gay lifestyle)...maybe because of how much I envy them.

Although I don't want to be an obnoxious jerk, I don't want to be a pushover either. I really want to be balanced. I know some people will say "Awwe; that's sweet...you're sensitive and artistic..." But it's not “sweet” or cute to me; it's a recipe for being misused, abused, run over, and ultimately disaster!

Edited August 31, 2011 by Voyager

[Kyle Richard M.]

Have I found my twin?! Reading this made me think of myself. I'm not much of a man either. I am a pacifist, I try to be really nice, I can barely sdtand up for myself, etc.... I'm also a slow person with homework, washing up, writing, etc..... I was kinda delayed with stuff growing up. I am very shy in school, I barely have any friends in school, I kinda wonder if people think i'm weird, etc.... I hate to look in the mirror because I think I am ugly. The only diferences between you and me is I'm not gay and I don't draw good. I seriously think you are my twin, I really do....

[FlyingAngel]

If you are timid, you can't write long paragraphs like that. You just need to be more social. Read newspapers, watch the news, you'd know what people in the world is interested so you can find a subject to talk about.

The opposite of you are people who have a mouth like a radio turning on.

[Habitat]

People are all different. The degree to which you attempt to be someone other than who you are, is the degree to which unhappiness will visit you. Trying to run away from yourself, by aping someone else, is futile. In a social or family setting people who insist on you being more outgoing or confident, are just flat-out ignorant. You should never allow yourself to be manipulated into conforming to the unreasonable expectations of others, especially if it is merely for the purpose of 'fitting-in' socially. There's no love in that. And if there is no love in people, you're better off clear of 'em.

[~TheBigK~]

If you are timid, you can't write long paragraphs like that. You just need to be more social.

What? I'm very timid but I could write and write for ages. One doesn't have to do with the other.

Anyway, Habitat had good advice I think. If you want to change then do it for you, not because of what other people say. Besides, the terms "manly" and "weak" are very subjective.

[Purplos]

If you are timid, you can't write long paragraphs like that.

I have social anxiety disorder and am practically agoraphobic and I'm a writer by profession.

Once you accept personal responsibility for how you are, you recognize that it is everyone elses responsibility for how they are. People will label you or ask odd/rude questions and make comments. They have nothing to do with how you are. They come from their set of expectations and experiences, not yours.

Are you weird? Maybe. So what? Lots of people are.

Find what you like about yourself and grow it for you. Find how you want to be and take baby steps to get that way. Practice and be patient.

[StarMountainKid]

I hesitate to give advice, but:

I was soft spoken as a child (if i spoke at all), timid and shy. I think how I overcame this to an extent was to not really care what others thought of me. I was myself and said and did as I pleased. The world be damned, I'm going to be me even if it's a shy me. I was proud of my differences. I wondered why everyone else was so different than I, when of course my identity was the correct one. I'd stand back and watch people and realize I was glad I wasn't like them.

This may sound egotistical, but in this way I was standing up for myself. Every one's life is difficult. Many who seem to cruse easily along in life may not be as satisfied with themselves or their lives as they appear.

I also learned early on how to say 'no'. That helped a lot.

I think you should concentrate and utilize the talents you do have. If you can draw well that may be an entrance to a career that will give you some self-esteem.

From my experience there are few people who's personality is well-balanced anyway, so in the end maybe you're not as different from others as it may seem.

Remember, getting along socially is mostly bluff and bravado. Others may just be more practiced at concealing their insecurities than you may be right now.

[WoIverine]

Have your doc check for hormonal issues. Low testosterone can account for many of the things you mentioned. Especially if it's low during teenage years. I went through that, wasn't fun. Doc put me on Androderm and everything was like night to day.

[Yamato]

First of all, I would never let any of the things you've said about yourself dissuade me from being your friend.

I won't address the complex matter of your nature, which is just fine when viewed through a neutral lens. When you add societal expectations, norms, values, roles, et al you will find yourself not fitting into many situations as perceived by others. They wouldn't either incidentally, they're just more grounded and at home in the environments they're lucky (or adaptive) enough to be in. There's surely another place which you'd be far more comfortable, perhaps another time (which isn't practical). I sometimes wonder if I belong on another planet.

But speaking directly to your issue in focus here, and trying to simplify it down as much as possible, some 'Assertiveness Training' would probably be good for you. Though you should set your expectations realistically. I doubt it will make you an "assertive" person, yet there will be some real tools that you can apply in your life towards that end and at least bump you up from the timid state you're in now, and hopefully it won't continue to be a problem that eats away at you. I'm not even suggesting timidity is a problem at all, but if it bothers you and makes you feel this uncomfortable then in that regard, it is a problem. Of course, timidity can have consequences in social situations, the workplace, and o/w out in public, but the most important thing is being comfortable with yourself. As a timid person or not.

Another recommendation I would give is an exercise program that will transform you into a gravity-fighting calorie-burning machine. When you get into the habit of doing hundreds of moves that work every muscle group including your core, you'll find incredible gains in balance, coordination, strength, endurance, flexibility, wellness, confidence, and appearance.

There are many programs out there. I do P90X myself and highly recommend it. It's best to take all your contempt, all your self-hatred, all your anger, and bring it into the gym and thrash it. Probably the biggest change of all from doing a program like this is that your energy levels will skyrocket. Go to Walmart and buy a big container of Whey Protein. I like the vanilla flavored "BodyFortress" best myself. Take that immediately before your workouts, and drink a big glass of chocolate milk after your workouts (why waste money on the proprietary "recovery drinks") and you'll get results really quick. Send me a pm if you want to talk more.

[Trog]

Hey Voyger , I was a bossy outspoken child and got into so many fights at school I lost count , if you like getting into fights try being the opposite to who you now are , it was no fun being the one who got into all the fights at school .... These days I try to keep my head down and try not to be too loud .

However one thing to remember is ''The meek shall inherit the earth'' , and in this case being meek is seen as a strength , being gentle , humble , and patient is a talent not a lot of people have .

I believe in numerology and I'm guessing that in this life you're on the two pathway , at least the characteristics you describe would indicate such .... Numerology also explains what causes people to be gay , but it's long and boring to most readers so I wont go into it now .....

[Robbie333]

As far back as I can remember, I was a very soft spoken child. People always had to ask me 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 times "Huh? ...What did you say? ...I can't hear you?.... Speak up!... Put some base in your voice!" And even today, at age 29, I still get the same responses. If people couldn't guess my sexual preference from my physical demeaner, they would certainly wonder from the way I talk. I think that's why I talked so low, for the most part, because whenever I talked loudly, my voice would get high!

It is not as bad now. Thankfully, my voice is a little deeper, but it's still very subtle. I have tried my best to have a loud, deep, authoritative voice, but I eventually just gave up on trying, because it doesn't seem to fit my personality. My whole demeaner is meek... not necessarily humble. It's just laid back, passive, subtle, bland, boring. I used to really hate that about myself. I think I'm very boring. There's nothing naturally outstanding or special about my physical appearance, and most times I feel ugly. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm slow with everything (even as a child, in daycare, I remember I would get my lunch tray taken from me every day, after I was the last kid left with my tray still half full), I can't play any kind of sport. It's like I have no talent. People have usually laughed at me when I tried to play sports, because I look so awkward--and if they don't laugh, they just have a stunned look on their face, or just shake their head in pity. So I just gave up on it.

The only thing that I can do is draw, which people have always complimented me on. At one point, I got a very big head because I (secretly) felt like I was finally good at something. I showed it off like it was gold, and made sure everywhere I went, people knew that I could draw. So now it's like what I'm known for. Now, I'm sick of that because it seems I've been put in a box and now everyone sees me as a drawing machine, like that's all there is to me. So I stopped drawing for a few years. I thought I needed to stop anyway because I didn't like how people were perceiving me--as this stuck up, arrogant, self absorbed person.

At some point in my school days--middle school and mostly highschool, I endeavored to be more authoritative, but I was always unsuccessful. At best, I became this obnoxious, homophobic (pretentiously anyway), semi-effeminate boy. I think I confused people, for the most part. I really just wanted attention and didn't know how to get it, because I had no real self esteem/respect, and there was nothing overtly interesting about me.

The truth is, I am very insecure. One guy told me that I was the most insecure person he had ever seen. I laughed hard because of how straight forward he was, and because of how true it probably was. I don't know if insecure people usually admit, or know they're insecure, but I do know it. I feel like I have no identity of my own, and I have a face for every person and occasion: I've been called fake a time or two... I still live with my mother (which I've also been condemned for), I have no real job, I've never been behind the wheel of an automobile and don't know how to drive, or have a license. I can't fight; I would always either cry or tremble uncontrollably in the face of confrontation. I feel like I have no back-bone. ...One of my aunts once told me that I had lived such a sheltered life that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I agree.

I mentioned in another thread how people always told me I was weird, psycho, or ask what's wrong with me. The last steady job I was on, one of my co-workers--a really funny, loud, outspoken guy, asked me in front of the whole crew, "what's wrong with you?... Something is wrong with you!... Why are you so timid?" That was like a eureka moment, because someone actually called me out on it. I mean people have always seen me as weak, and I’ve been called a “wuss” and a "punk" a few times. Those in my family tend to romanticize and make it something special... "He's so humble," "He's soft spoken," "He's a gentleman," "He's a good boy." But that's what family does: and I also have a very matriarchal family--immediate and extended (so of course, they're going to be softer). But Strangers just call it how they see it. And it's not cute to me. I'm sure that a lot of people see me as a sorry excuse for a man. I've been told it in so many ways, and those who don;t openly say it, I know they're thinking it. My own mother has suggested it on several occasions, even though it's not like she has really pushed me to get an education, or to be more of a man.

I don't want to be weak and timid, because weak people get ran over and used as a doormat. I know first-hand that nice guys do finish last. I think part of why I am like I am is because I don't want to hurt people—although I have (I'm not an angel by any means). But I've learned the hard way that people who don't want to hurt people are the people who get hurt the most. I have thought about just becoming a big conceited jerk who runs over everyone and doesn't care, but I can't be that kind of person. I so envy people who can though. Ironically, those are the types of guys who I'm most attracted to--the very masculine, domineering, powerful, aggressive type (which is damn near impossible to find in the gay lifestyle)...maybe because of how much I envy them.

Although I don't want to be an obnoxious jerk, I don't want to be a pushover either. I really want to be balanced. I know some people will say "Awwe; that's sweet...you're sensitive and artistic..." But it's not “sweet” or cute to me; it's a recipe for being misused, abused, run over, and ultimately disaster!

I am a Christian and you can ignore my answer--or not. I just want to help. I am going to give you something written that may help. You don't have to follow my religion to understand this. It just makes common sense for anyone.

The Paradoxical Commandments

by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001

</FONT>

<A href="http://www.paradoxicalchristians.com/books.html">

To view a narrated slide show of a Conversation between a Christian and God, based on the last chapter of Dr. Keith's book, Have Faith Anyway, click here.

New Products?

Take a look at the products now available in the "Anyway" Store. Are there any "Anyway" products you don't see there that you would like us to produce? Send your suggestions to drkentkeith@hotmail.com. Thank you!

[encouraged]

Several of the things you have mentioned, I am proud to be. LOL!

I would guess that you would be a fantastic friend!

Also, I never was able to do sports. Macho would never fit my style. Soft spoken, slightly slurred speech, slow to accomplish things and ADD-like focus problems are a remnant from my traumatic brain injury when I was 17--frontal lobe injury. (I have a friend who is that way , too. He is extremely good at soccer and it concerns me that he may have had too many head butts.)

You have gotten some really good advice here. You can be confident and content and do really well once that is achieved. Even with my many disabilities, health issues, and occasional low self-esteem, I have been able to carve out an area of work in which I am the best in the world. You can do so as well!

[Xanthurion2]

sounds a lot like me too. i'm 18 and still dealing with it. i hate being the quite one but i don't want to be an obnoxious jerk and it's too hard to stay in the middle.

Edited September 3, 2011 by Xanthurion2

[Wandering]

I always considered myself timid to an extent, I wasn't very confident throughout my school years, going to an exclusive private school and dressing like a 'goth' is not a smart idea!! Once I realised the teenage 'school is everything' philosophy doesn't hold true in the real world, I started gaining confidence. Things that helped me were getting fit, I recommend youtubing fitness videos and finding ones that you enjoy doing. Once you start building muscle and looking good the confidence boost it gives you is surprising.

A couple I've used are:

-- Scott Herman does the 'Spartan' workout. Great all body workout and time efficient.

-- Scott Herman Ab workout

Someone above also mentioned P90X, if you can download that I'd highly recommend it. I found it great to get me in initial shape to a point where I could start figuring my own exercises out.

If you have access to a boxing gym I'd go there as well, learning to throw a punch even at a bag will help give you some physical confidence.

On the mental side, I don't know your personal situation but in order to build yourself up in your own eyes, you do have to put yourself into positions where you can be put down, only because they are situations where you can be built up too. I was wondering about your statement

Ironically, those are the types of guys who I'm most attracted to--the very masculine, domineering, powerful, aggressive type (which is damn near impossible to find in the gay lifestyle)

My uncle is gay and I've grown up with him being that way, he's a ****ing mad dog though and being the youngest of my aunts and uncles he's pretty 'hip' haha! I've gone to a few club shows with him and Rocky Horror type events at strippers and I always see lots of guys like what you've described who are gay. Normally those types will want the effeminate partner, so you'd be in. Do you go to gay clubs and bars much? If not, I'd start. They are definately amongst the friendliest places I have ever been, straight or gay. In no other club can you go in by yourself and make friends within minutes.

I hope everyones advice has helped you and if you have any questions, ask em

Peace

[Wandering]

Oh **** I didn't know that would link the actual videos. lol.

Now I know how to link youtube videos!

[Rosenrot]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread, but I still thought I'd add mine. I used to be painfully shy. In elementary school I accidentally stabbed myself in the knee with the graphite from my pencil. I was too shy to ask for help and sat there for 10 minutes before someone noticed the blood running down my legs and came to my aid.

Like I said, painfully shy, but I had an experience in high school that changed me completely: I spent an entire summer working at a Boy Scout camp. I lived (pardon the trite expression) very close to nature. I had no AC. A wood cabin was my only shelter. I spent most of my days working with the kids either on the river or on the high ropes course and on a few very special occasions going wild caving. The two most important aspects about that summer was that I was completely removed from my situation where I was allowed to be shy and I became a very physically fit person. Taken out of my normal environment, I had to come out of my shell or I wouldn't survive. And I did. I found myself among the trees and streams and the hills. The other major thing was that I shed a few pound and became rather physically attractive. It really does give you a self-esteem boost. Also people react better to attractive people. Scientific studies show this, and I can back those up with personal experience.

So I leave you with two pieces of advice: as others have said work out a bit and become more fit, and remove yourself from your same-old-same-old situation where you have been shy before. Those new people don't know who you are; you can choose who to be in their eyes. I wish you the best of luck, Voyager.

[Wandering]

Thumbs up for Rosenrots advice.

[Voyager]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread, but I still thought I'd add mine. I used to be painfully shy. In elementary school I accidentally stabbed myself in the knee with the graphite from my pencil. I was too shy to ask for help and sat there for 10 minutes before someone noticed the blood running down my legs and came to my aid.

Like I said, painfully shy, but I had an experience in high school that changed me completely: I spent an entire summer working at a Boy Scout camp. I lived (pardon the trite expression) very close to nature. I had no AC. A wood cabin was my only shelter. I spent most of my days working with the kids either on the river or on the high ropes course and on a few very special occasions going wild caving. The two most important aspects about that summer was that I was completely removed from my situation where I was allowed to be shy and I became a very physically fit person. Taken out of my normal environment, I had to come out of my shell or I wouldn't survive. And I did. I found myself among the trees and streams and the hills. The other major thing was that I shed a few pound and became rather physically attractive. It really does give you a self-esteem boost. Also people react better to attractive people. Scientific studies show this, and I can back those up with personal experience.

So I leave you with two pieces of advice: as others have said work out a bit and become more fit, and remove yourself from your same-old-same-old situation where you have been shy before. Those new people don't know who you are; you can choose who to be in their eyes. I wish you the best of luck, Voyager.

Thank you. I will take your advice... as well as others'

Edited September 8, 2011 by Voyager

[Soupy]

Voyager - You sound pretty normal to me.

[little_dreamer]

It's OK to be timid. We could use people with self restraint in this world. It's not OK to be a victim. This happened to me in the past and eventually I was angry enough to make changes. But it wasn't about revenge either.

Go get what you are entitled to in life!

[Drayno]

Here is my advice, my friend..

Do not seek to overcome timidity - you will only cast yourself in an illusion. It is simple: be yourself. You should react towards everything and everyone as you naturally would. You simply should not care; though, I am not saying be rude or unkind - I am simply saying that you should ponder over constructive criticism and opinions that you value - but there really is no reason to care, unless your interest, or something great - to something that you love, is invested or threatened.

[rileycooper]

i used to really worry about what others thought of me and always thought i was weird or something was wrong with me so i would try and act normal or what i thought was normal but i was suppressing my personality and was not showing anyone my true self. Once i realized nobody is normal (and really who would want to be) and i started liking myself and relaxing and just being myself i found i was so much happier and others were much more receptive towards me. And now i no longer carê what others think of me at all i think if others want to judge me or dislike me then thats their bad luck for not taking the time to get to know me because i am a great person im fun, crazy, caring, weird and wonderful and i see the best in others so if anyone chooses to judge or label me then it has nothing to do with me but more to do with them and their issues. I Dont live to please everybody else but ive found that once your happy inside with yourself you attract the same into your life so its a win win situation really lol. Just be yourself and Dont hide your personality or be ashamed of who you are. just be you! and in regards to you thinking your ugly please Dont be so harsh on yourself, it really is Wats inside that counts and if your a good decent person then you will shine on the outside and attract to you the same like minded people into your life and besides im sure your not even ugly your just having doubts about yourself at the moment but chin up and get out there and show the world what they have been missing. one more thing i found helped with me alot was working in customer service really brought me out of my shell as a teenager i was very shy but working with the public really gets rid of that quick smart. ok i wish you all the very best xxx