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Divorce, loss, and starting over.


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#31    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 12:21 AM

View Postglorybebe, on 05 February 2012 - 11:38 PM, said:

Don't be reactive, be proactive.  I am not sure about the US, but in Canada, the lawyers have to do so much pro-bono work per year.  Go see as many lawyers as you have to to get one who will help you.
So noone sees my point of view on this? A lawyer? Really? That means war, even if that's not your intention. If my son says "no" to the move then that should be when I lawyer up in my eyes. I realize what you all are saying but that feels hostile to me and after that there is no going back. I'm afraid (and there are reasons for my fear). I'm not without faults and they could ruin my chances in a court situation. Please keep the advise coming...I'm not ignoring you all! Just so afraid to lose the only person I have left in my life.


#32    MissMelsWell

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 03:28 AM

View PostJ.P., on 05 February 2012 - 11:23 PM, said:

I have been avoiding this but...I have no money guys/girls! I am living with my parents and have no job. I can't afford a lawyer! Plus he doesn't know yet and when she tells him I know he'll put up a fight, then I can jump in. What if he wants to go??? I have to do right by him...right?


DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity.  Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.

Edited by MissMelsWell, 06 February 2012 - 03:32 AM.

"It's time for the American people to stand up and shrug off the shackles of our government at TSA at the airport"  Ron Paul

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#33    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 03:34 AM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 06 February 2012 - 03:28 AM, said:

DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity.  Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.
Awww man this is killing me. I just want to be happy. I just want a partner and to end this loneliness.


#34    Beckys_Mom

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 11:56 PM

View PostJ.P., on 06 February 2012 - 03:34 AM, said:

Awww man this is killing me. I just want to be happy. I just want a partner and to end this loneliness.

And you will find that, most likely sooner than you think... It may seem like doom and gloom for now.. But trust me.. it will change.. When you least expect it.. One day soon  you will sit and think  WOW I am happy again  ..

So keep your chin up... you can get through it

In the meantime.. perhaps get a dog?  I know that is not a substitute for a partner.. But a Dog will keep you occupied  and great company  until you feel ready for a new partner... And who knows, you might meet a dog lover...And it can be what breaks the ice..

Edited by Beckys_Mom, 06 February 2012 - 11:58 PM.

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#35    MissMelsWell

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 12:17 AM

So unfortunately, you're not going to be happy right now, and you'll likely remain lonely for a while. Learn to live with yourself without a partner, you can't be happy with a partner until you're happy alone. It's an old cliche but it's SO true. Divorce sucks. it's not a happy time, but it is a time where you have to  knuckle down and do the right things. If you do not do this right, you could potentially ruin your life for many years to come. Don't let that happen. I'm dead serious.

"It's time for the American people to stand up and shrug off the shackles of our government at TSA at the airport"  Ron Paul

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin

#36    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 12:59 AM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 07 February 2012 - 12:17 AM, said:

So unfortunately, you're not going to be happy right now, and you'll likely remain lonely for a while. Learn to live with yourself without a partner, you can't be happy with a partner until you're happy alone. It's an old cliche but it's SO true. Divorce sucks. it's not a happy time, but it is a time where you have to  knuckle down and do the right things. If you do not do this right, you could potentially ruin your life for many years to come. Don't let that happen. I'm dead serious.
My son looked me in the eyes tonight and told me that he wanted to move. Game over.


#37    Tiggs

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 01:37 AM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 06 February 2012 - 03:28 AM, said:

DIvorce lawyers are totally understanding of that... they work with people who don't have jobs all the time. A lot of them will take small monthly payments for an eternity.  Just do it. Start calling tomorrow. You WILL absolutely regret it if you do not. And it doesn't matter if the boy wants to go or not. He needs his father, and he's just a boy, he doesn't know what's best for him.

They also know it's their job to split assets between you and your wife... they'll often delay or base payment on that as well.

Know that several of us have been through a divorce before... we're giving advice based on experience.
^^ This.


#38    MissMelsWell

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 02:00 AM

View PostJ.P., on 07 February 2012 - 12:59 AM, said:

My son looked me in the eyes tonight and told me that he wanted to move. Game over.


I don't like to make enemies, but I"m going to be tough on you here because I think you might need someone to be tough. He's a little kid... he should not be making these decisions or telling you what he wants. That is your job as a parent. It is your job to keep your son near you... and the law and a half assed attorney will make sure he stays near you. If he moves, it's ALL your fault. You can blame yourself for not raising your kid. And, you allowing him to move will damage him. Again, that will be your fault. Is that what you really want? If you want this kid near you and you want to be his father... march your butt down to a lawyer yesterday and stop it! Who cares what the kid wants? It's about what the kid NEEDS ... he needs his father. You're about the make the biggest mistake of your life. Someome had to tell you. I'm sorry it was me though.

"It's time for the American people to stand up and shrug off the shackles of our government at TSA at the airport"  Ron Paul

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin

#39    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 08 February 2012 - 05:45 PM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 07 February 2012 - 02:00 AM, said:

I don't like to make enemies, but I"m going to be tough on you here because I think you might need someone to be tough. He's a little kid... he should not be making these decisions or telling you what he wants. That is your job as a parent. It is your job to keep your son near you... and the law and a half assed attorney will make sure he stays near you. If he moves, it's ALL your fault. You can blame yourself for not raising your kid. And, you allowing him to move will damage him. Again, that will be your fault. Is that what you really want? If you want this kid near you and you want to be his father... march your butt down to a lawyer yesterday and stop it! Who cares what the kid wants? It's about what the kid NEEDS ... he needs his father. You're about the make the biggest mistake of your life. Someome had to tell you. I'm sorry it was me though.
You have not made an enemy MissMelsWell. I understand and agree with alot of what you have said. I have left some things out though. Besides the pending divorce and their move I have gone through alot. My grandfather just died, I lost my job, I'm about to lose my apartment, someone I know was told (today) that they have cancer and has 6 months to a year to live. I'm a complete mess and in the past have turned time and again to pills and drinking to cope. My sons mother doesn't want to leave him with someone so unstable and I agree. I am not ok. If I kept him here (which he doesn't want) would I be able to maintain a stable place for him? I doubt it. I have alot that I need to fix with myself and maybe this is my chance to do it without anyone getting in the way. It pains me to no end that he is leaving...but I have to accept that it's for the best now. Later he may choose to come back and live with me and I want a place for him if that happens. Agree or not you are all helping me think about what I need to do. I appreciate any advice because this is a hard time and minds change. I do have a lawyer on hold for now.


#40    little_dreamer

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:18 AM

It seems like you are holding out for a miracle that will probably not happen. You are still in shock, and this may be why you haven't taken action yet.  The past is gone and you will have to learn to build a new foundation for your life.  If you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your son.  It is in his best interest to have a happy, prosperous, and well-adjusted father.  Everyone who knows you will benefit as well.

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation.  This could be done with the help of someone you trust.  Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.

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#41    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 01:27 AM

View Postlittle_dreamer, on 09 February 2012 - 01:18 AM, said:

It seems like you are holding out for a miracle that will probably not happen. You are still in shock, and this may be why you haven't taken action yet.  The past is gone and you will have to learn to build a new foundation for your life.  If you can't do it for your own sake, do it for your son.  It is in his best interest to have a happy, prosperous, and well-adjusted father.  Everyone who knows you will benefit as well.

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation.  This could be done with the help of someone you trust.  Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.
You're right, I am in shock. I like the list idea alot...but where do I start?


#42    J. K.

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 08:57 PM

View Postlittle_dreamer, on 09 February 2012 - 01:18 AM, said:

You should make a written list of things to do in order to improve your living situation.  This could be done with the help of someone you trust.  Each day, try to accomplish something on the list.

Setting goals would definitely be helpful, even if they are small ones.  When my wife walked out after 15 years, I was wreck for the first few weeks.  However, I had to give a major work-related presentation, so I poured my focus into that.  Afterwards, I made an effort to do some things for myself that I couldn't do before such as choosing my own television shows to watch and going to a bookstore.  (My ex-wife is a controlling personality).

You do need to get yourself in order, not just for your son, but for YOU.  Don't let self-doubt or despair occupy your thoughts.  They take root and grow like weeds.  Mow them down and concentrate on positive things.  It'll probably feel fake at first, but over time it will improve. Hugs to ya, bro.

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#43    rashore

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 09:31 PM

View PostJ.P., on 09 February 2012 - 01:27 AM, said:

You're right, I am in shock. I like the list idea alot...but where do I start?

Might not be a bad idea to start with things you are already doing or are relatively easy to work in. Positive things like.. If you eat breakfast every morning, include the word healthy and put it down. If you are looking online or locally for work, put that down. It could even be things like "don't take a pill to help me fall asleep tonight.". Other things could be take a moment to look at the trees around me today, and notice as spring is coming. You could include things like smile at a stranger, pick up and properly dispose of a piece of litter, write down one positive thing, or read a positive quote. Perhaps listen to a different song that puts you in a good place every day.
Sometimes writing down some stuff you are already doing can hearten you and remind you not to stop doing those good things.


#44    Guest_J.P._*

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Posted 10 February 2012 - 02:07 PM

Not making alot of progress with the "good deeds" end of things since I'm stranded at my Mom's about 4-5 miles from any town. I'm in the woods on a dirt road.
Starting to feel alittle better about things and you all have been so great with advice. One thing I can say is the sky is so beautiful outside of town. I saw the stars last night like I havn't in years. Plus there are animals everywhere! I enjoy watching deer play and eat. I'm not the type to ever shoot one either. Never hunted and never will unless I needed to. Anyways, just saying what's positive today...for a change.


#45    Kryso

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 07:00 PM

Been through it twice. They say they want to be friends and keep everything civil, until the instant they walkout the door. Then they instantly hate you. It's very strange, lol. Don't give an inch. Don't think being nice to them will help, or sort things out. They are after your jugular. Or that might just be the effect I have on the ex's :)





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