How to forgive someone

[DefenceMinisterMishkin]

How do you forgive someone you love, but who has hurt you emotionally?

[+ouija ouija]

You don't. You just decide how you want the relationship to continue, if at all, and then firmly do it your way.

[:PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:]

Well, I am a God fearing man.

So when I am faced with a situation where it's hard to forgive someone when they ask for forgiveness, I refer to Mark 11:25-26 (NKJV) in the Bible:

25 “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. 26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

This simply means, we all make mistakes. If someone did wrong to you and asks for forgiveness, forgive them. We ourselves are all guilty of wrongdoing. We ourselves all asked for forgiveness.

However, if that someone is not sincere and continues to hurt you emotionally, then you may need to make a decision. The golden rule in any relationship is don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't tolerate those who are reckless with yours.

[FollowTheTrail]

Well, it's all about respect in my opinion. Since that person has done something hurtful to you, then you should sit down together and try to work it out. If the other person is really sorry for what has done to you and doesn't want to repeat that again, then you should forgine him/her, and since you do love them, then move on together. But if you see that the situation can't be worked out, then i'm afraid you should move on your life and leave that person behind. I know that'd be difficult, but it would be the right thing to do!

Edit; Forgiving is indeed a hard thing to do depending on how serious was the action someone has done to you. My piece of advice however is that it's better to forgive someone than holding your anger and disappointment inside you. That would wear out your soul.

Edited July 8, 2014 by FollowTheTrail

[BiffSplitkins]

Here's an interesting article you should read. It seems that repetitive thinking helps.

http://www.today.com/health/how-password-changed-one-mans-life-better-1D79878606

[Frank Merton]

This is going to sound corny but I have no problem forgiving people for all sorts of things, and never have had. I'm tempted to relate some stories about how ready forgiving has in the end been good for me in material as well as life ways, but I will just leave it at that.

[Lilly]

I can (and have) forgiven people for a variety ot things. However, forgiving someone does not mean you have to continue to be abused by them. In many instances you can forgive them but then you simply must move on. No one is required to be used/abused/betrayed on a regular basis by anyone else.

[Astra.]

Forgiveness can sometimes be a very difficult process...depending of course, what the circumstances were that caused such hurtfulness.

I know, that if I've been burnt once....whether it be family, or friend....it takes me a very long time to forgive them.

I usually withdraw for a while to lick the proverbial wounds.

After I feel ready to see them again....I'm ok! but I remain very cautious of them.

I have realized that holding on to the hurt....I am basically hurting myself even more.

It is always better to move forward and try to forgive, but as the old adage goes "Once bitten, twice shy".

[DefenceMinisterMishkin]

Very intersting responses. Thank you for the advice, i don't really want to go into details on a public forum, but suffice it to say i carried a lot of anger around with me after the fact, and there were many lies and ficticious storys made up which resulted in me having a mental break, from which i have suffered the last two year and a half.

I have had Cancer twice and would rather go through that again than have this mental anguish.

I want to forgive, but i know that things between us will never be like they used to be.

I have taken your advice onboard and will give it much thought.

Thanks again.

[+ouija ouija]

26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

My immediate thought was: "So what?!". Seriously, if god doesn't forgive you, what difference will it make to your life?

[Scandal]

Decisions decisions. I cant make up my mind.

[:PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:]

My immediate thought was: "So what?!". Seriously, if god doesn't forgive you, what difference will it make to your life?

My intention wasn't really to start a debate about religion. There are plenty of those in the Religious & Spirituality section already. If you're curious though, Romans 8:12-17 is my answer. A more detailed breakdown can be found here:

http://gracebibleny....g_in_the_spirit

Edited July 9, 2014 by :PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:

[spartan max2]

My view on forgiveness is mostly centered around yourself.

I look at it more as at the end of the day you should forgive because if you don't you hold on to it and it ends up hurting you probably more then them. You have to forgive to let yourself heal. There is a better way to articulate this but the words just dont seem to want to come to me right now.

And as Lilly said just because you forgive someone that dosent mean its okay to let them hurt you over and over again. like abuse.

[+ouija ouija]

My view on forgiveness is mostly centered around yourself.

I look at it more as at the end of the day you should forgive because if you don't you hold on to it and it ends up hurting you probably more then them. You have to forgive to let yourself heal. There is a better way to articulate this but the words just dont seem to want to come to me right now.

And as Lilly said just because you forgive someone that dosent mean its okay to let them hurt you over and over again. like abuse.

Maybe it's just me but I have never had a problem with not forgiving people. They did what they did, I respond accordingly ..... forgiveness doesn't come into it. It doesn't hurt me and I have no need to 'heal' ..... it is what it is. Something was done and I adjust how I view that person from that time onwards.

[JGirl]

How do you forgive someone you love, but who has hurt you emotionally?

you don't forgive them - you forgive the act.

it's up to them to forgive themselves, not you. forgiving the act allows you to let go and move on.

[+ouija ouija]

My intention wasn't really to start a debate about religion. There are plenty of those in the Religious & Spirituality section already. If you're curious though, Romans 8:12-17 is my answer. A more detailed breakdown can be found here:

http://gracebibleny....g_in_the_spirit

I was hoping that you would simply answer my question with your own thoughts on the subject. I'm afraid Romans 8: 12 -17 didn't seem relevent to my question. As for the link, there's yards and yards of it ...... so I haven't read it because as I said, I just wanted to hear your thoughts.

Perhaps I should say that I have never asked anyone for forgiveness ...... I think that to do so is insulting and unfair. Take responsibility for your actions and accept what happens as a result of them. To put the onus back on the one you have already injured is the height of selfishness! They are then left with the problem of either forgiving you(when perhaps they don't feel they can), or looking bad because they can't forgive you ....... do you not see how ludicrous that is?!

[Deleted]

Forgiveness means to let go and has nothing to do with religion. You dont excuse what the other person did to you or justify it, you just let go of the pain, if you can.... and move on. in the end if you dont forgive, you will carry the experience with you all the time and it will negativly affect your life, if you can forgive do it for your own sake, I know its hard ....

The difference between religion and real forgivness is, that religion tells you you are only a good person if you forgive so it forces you to forgive everytime something happens and eventually you become someone who is only abused by others but at least you are a good person thats what you tell yourself then... O.o........thats how religion works totally useless in my opnion .

So no matter what, you ARE a good person. It wanst your fault and for your own sake let go of it and move on.

Edited July 9, 2014 by hellwyr

[:PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:]

I was hoping that you would simply answer my question with your own thoughts on the subject. I'm afraid Romans 8: 12 -17 didn't seem relevent to my question. As for the link, there's yards and yards of it ...... so I haven't read it because as I said, I just wanted to hear your thoughts.

Perhaps I should say that I have never asked anyone for forgiveness ...... I think that to do so is insulting and unfair. Take responsibility for your actions and accept what happens as a result of them. To put the onus back on the one you have already injured is the height of selfishness! They are then left with the problem of either forgiving you(when perhaps they don't feel they can), or looking bad because they can't forgive you ....... do you not see how ludicrous that is?!

If you have never asked for forgiveness, I don't know how my own words will be any clearer to you but here goes:

I agree one has to take responsibility for their own actions and accept the consequences. Asking for forgiveness is normally the first step to that responsibility. You're acknowledging to that person you have wrong them.

I don't see how this would cause a burden to the one you have hurt. You're giving them a choice whether they want to give you an opportunity to make amends or if they want to move on. Once decided, then one accepts the consequences and hopefully learn from that experience. It's not ludicrous at all.

What's selfish is the way you're describing it. If you have never asked for forgiveness, do you have no remorse for your actions? Do you think that's not insulting and unfair to the person by not acknowledging you were wrong?

[+ouija ouija]

@ psykoticbehaviour: Of course there have been times when I have felt remorse for something I have done(and for some things will go on feeling remorse for the rest of my life ...... which is as it should be), and I have apologised to the other person.

[:PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:]

@ psykoticbehaviour: Of course there have been times when I have felt remorse for something I have done(and for some things will go on feeling remorse for the rest of my life ...... which is as it should be), and I have apologised to the other person.

We've all been there. I'm sorry if I sounded strong in my reply. It wasn't meant to accuse you of anything. I can only speak from my own experience when I say that I have made terrible mistakes in the past. Two weeks before my 20th birthday, I was diagnosed with Non-Hudgkins Aggressive Lymphoma, Stage 3.

In the year leading up to that moment, I knew something was wrong, but I was in denial. I started to become reckless with my life and eventually I stopped caring for my well being. In that process, I pushed away my friends and family. I blamed everybody else but me about anything. It took approximately four years later before I had an epiphany and realised all the harm I have done. By then, while I did eventually appologized to most who were in my life around that time and asked for forgiveness, I had burned many bridges.

I was greatful for those who forgave me. I am now 34 years old and I am still working everyday to keep what I have rebuild intact. That's really the reason behind why I would forgive someone for wrongdoing if they are sincere in their appology and they want to make amends. I was given a second chance.

Edited July 11, 2014 by :PsYKoTiC:BeHAvIoR:

[Ealdwita]

It depends on what the offender has done....Some things are beyond forgiveness!

[magikgoddess]

I'm normally a very forgiving person (and tend to be quick to forgive- but I rarely ever forget). Depending on who hurt me & by what actions I was hurt by determines how I handle things. Generally I would verbally mention something and a snarky 'an apology would be nice' would come out.

Although recently a very close family member did a very mean, thoughtless 'F-U' to the whole family (I'm not planning on going into details, so please don't ask, it's still a little too fresh)...

I haven't forgiven her yet even though she made a feeble attempt to call me and tell me lies to soothe my feelings over (which they didn't, they only increased the hurt and realization I want nothing to do with her for a while).

I'm not sure when I'll be able to forgive her for her on-purpose actions against me & my kin but I know I eventually will get over the hurt of the situation & forgive her stupidity. The future with her will never be the same and I will never go out of my way as far as she's concern. I know that may seem petty, but like I mention it was a recent incident.

[Bert Sargofucus]

New to this site. Its cool. I try to be better each day. If I get bad thoughts for someone, it's cause they're thinking bad of me. So I clear myself and think of things pleasurable to me. Then I turn the other persons thoughts to good ones and send it back. After enough time goes by, I find I have forgiven that person. The reason is usually over pride. Bert

[Stubbly_Dooright]

I find a lot of the comments here very therapeutic. I myself, am still confused about the art of forgiving. I think forgiveness is earned. I also think that actions of forgiving and the feelings that come with the hurt before forgiving are separate. For one, having being told to forgive someone, just like that, no matter how you feel, is not good for you. I think you are dishonest to yourself. Maybe convincing yourself, that the bad feelings are gone, cause you forgave them just like that are gone, but I do think they will come back. You can't keep how you honestly feel deep inside you. How can one respect someone, if that person who hurts you does not work hard to actually make it up to you. If they really believe in keeping a relationship with you. I personally believe, just not forgiving, but working at healing yourself, is helpful. If you lost respect and cut ties with someone, that is the way it is. Someone here mentioned working hard at keeping what he has now. Exactly, working hard at it. My feelings are, forgiving willy nilly hurts the one hurting and allows the other one who hurt to not take responsibility for their actions.

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

Forgiveness means to let go and has nothing to do with religion. You dont excuse what the other person did to you or justify it, you just let go of the pain, if you can.... and move on. in the end if you dont forgive, you will carry the experience with you all the time and it will negativly affect your life, if you can forgive do it for your own sake, I know its hard ....

^ this