Relationship Advice

[Shego]

Well, I really like this guy. I didn't really show it a lot that I liked him because I wasn't that comfortable around him. When I did become comfortable with him and started to open up to him, I overheard he and his friend talking about how he was going to transfer schools. I got angry with him, because he had told me he was crazy for me and that I was his happy place in life. I asked him (through text) did he still like me the same way he did before? He never replied. I tried calling him and texting him for the past weeks, but he hasn't replied. My friend messaged him, and asked him why he wasn't talking to me anymore and he said because "I was too young...and I wanted to be more than friends", which is a lie because he asked me out first, but I had mixed feelings for him at the time so I rejected him, but we continued to hang out. I sent him a bunch of messages on Facebook and it says that he opened them and looked at them. What does that mean? And he told my friend "we were friends", but if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, why doesn't he delete me on Facebook and why is he opening messages I send to him? I don't understand, I still really want the guy, and I miss him a lot, but I don't know why he is doing what he is. Can someone give me some pointers?

[keninsc]

He may have been crazy for you, but the time wasn't right. In any relationship three things have to come together. The right person, in the right place, at the right time. Yeah, really. If you don't have these three things going for you then the relationship may not have a chance to begin. Then you say you got angry with him, how angry? Was yelling involved? Foul language? Or was it more passive aggressive? I know that I've had to make a choice in life and been on the receiving end of a life changing choice or two in my time and yeah, it hurts and can make you want to lash out at someone and quite honestly it's a natural reaction.

Now, having said all that, did he transfer or not? Could be it was some sort of test on his part, if it was then he's a game player and not worth your time. Could be he was just thinking about it and wasn't sure, could be he's going to transfer. Maybe, just maybe what you should have done was find out where he was with that choice before you got upset. It's really hard for me or anyone to say what is what since I don't know either of you, but then that's the way of it sometimes. The magic three don't come into play and the whole thing fizzles out before it gets started good.

It's sort of like when I tell someone the only reason you need to ever marry someone is because you love them and simply can't live your life without this person in your life. However, even with that going for you the other side of the coin, that no one ever hears is, there maybe a dozen reasons not to marry that person, even though you're all crazy in love. Then love makes you rationalize the negatives that you see but just choose to overlook.

[Shego]

He may have been crazy for you, but the time wasn't right. In any relationship three things have to come together. The right person, in the right place, at the right time. Yeah, really. If you don't have these three things going for you then the relationship may not have a chance to begin. Then you say you got angry with him, how angry? Was yelling involved? Foul language? Or was it more passive aggressive? I know that I've had to make a choice in life and been on the receiving end of a life changing choice or two in my time and yeah, it hurts and can make you want to lash out at someone and quite honestly it's a natural reaction.

I started to cry. I called him and left a voicemail of me crying, but he never got back to me. I wrote him a message telling him I felt used, I felt like I was just a booty call to him and he was playing me the entire time. I told him that I really liked him and really wanted him and he does something like this to me, it really hurt me. He never replied, but it said he saw what I wrote. I then took the time to realize what I may have done wrong in the relationship. I apologized to him a week after outburting on him and the another week later I told him, that he needed to stop being immature and just talk to me.I told him all these things I noticed about him when we were hanging out, and I looked over everything he told me in past relationships and told him that I felt he had trust issues with woman (he has been married before and the girl cheated on him and he asked me why he one minute he could be passionate and romantic and the next, everything goes out the door when the chick cannot handle him being away for long periods of time.) I even asked him if he wanted his jacket back and that I wanted by things back from his house. He saw what I wrote to him, but again, didn't reply.

Now, having said all that, did he transfer or not? Could be it was some sort of test on his part, if it was then he's a game player and not worth your time. Could be he was just thinking about it and wasn't sure, could be he's going to transfer. Maybe, just maybe what you should have done was find out where he was with that choice before you got upset. It's really hard for me or anyone to say what is what since I don't know either of you, but then that's the way of it sometimes. The magic three don't come into play and the whole thing fizzles out before it gets started good.

He hasn't transfered. He told me he may tranfer, but I don't know, I still was hurt he was even considering it. I know I overreacted, but I told him and I apologized for it.

It's sort of like when I tell someone the only reason you need to ever marry someone is because you love them and simply can't live your life without this person in your life. However, even with that going for you the other side of the coin, that no one ever hears is, there maybe a dozen reasons not to marry that person, even though you're all crazy in love. Then love makes you rationalize the negatives that you see but just choose to overlook.

Yeah, it's really hard for me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm stuck thinking about him and missing him. I really don't think he would think the same of me though, I don't think he is thinking about me, cares about me or misses me one bit. But I could be wrong, though his actions do scream he doesn't care about me. what really scares me is that I'll eventually see him in the hallway or something. I have been told to ignore him, but my gut is telling me I should hold my head up high and smile at him and give way to his presence. I don't know what to do...

Edited March 14, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[RaisingCain]

You're eighteen, right? I'm guessing you're eighteen, because your profile says that and these are common teenage problems. But how old is this guy? You mentioned that he's been married, so I'm guessing a bit older; though I don't know what the laws are where you live.

I think you need to calm down on the contact, because that seems a bit much to me. When I guy (or anyone for that matter) doesn't respond to communication, it clearly means they don't want to talk to you. You can't really make him do anything, you're both adults in this. Same as he can't really make you do anything either. My advice would be to leave him alone. You've met him half way, let him come to you.

[Shego]

You're eighteen, right? I'm guessing you're eighteen, because your profile says that and these are common teenage problems. But how old is this guy? You mentioned that he's been married, so I'm guessing a bit older; though I don't know what the laws are where you live.

I think you need to calm down on the contact, because that seems a bit much to me. When I guy (or anyone for that matter) doesn't respond to communication, it clearly means they don't want to talk to you. You can't really make him do anything, you're both adults in this. Same as he can't really make you do anything either. My advice would be to leave him alone. You've met him half way, let him come to you.

He is 26. And yeah, I'll calm down and give him space. If he still likes me or is interested in me, he'll come to me. It's just hard, when you're confused and the other person isn't telling you anything. :/

[RaisingCain]

Look, if you need someone to talk to, just PM me, ok?

[Moon Gazer]

I'd say your best bet is to just back off and let him chill a bit. Maybe he likes you but is just worried about the age difference? I'd focus on just re-establishing a friendship first, maybe once he starts spending time with you again he will realise he does in fact like you (as he did before) and that age is not a big problem.

[Aim4TheHead]

Just move on. Sure you really like him but why waste your time on someone who is ignoring you and isn't sure about his feelings for you?

[Shego]

Look, if you need someone to talk to, just PM me, ok?

Okay!

[Shego]

I'd say your best bet is to just back off and let him chill a bit. Maybe he likes you but is just worried about the age difference? I'd focus on just re-establishing a friendship first, maybe once he starts spending time with you again he will realise he does in fact like you (as he did before) and that age is not a big problem.

Maybe he has a big ego and I crushed a little when I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. That's why he told my friend I wanted to be more than friends and when she told him that's not the truth, you did, he got angry and told her to not get into his relations with other people. How can I start re-establishing a friendship if I rarely see him on campus? Just wait months until he decides he wants to talk to me, if he ever does? You guys don't understand I'm in the middle of nowhere, I am new to the area and barely know anybody, this guy was like...one out of the two friends I have here and then he dropped me like that, and it hurts. I don't have much I can do to keep myself busy all the time, because after I do all my work there is nothing else to do!

Edited March 14, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[Mabon]

Hello LL.

Sorry if this isn't sugar coated.

You're 18 and he's 26 your both in the same school... I hope collage... or is he a teacher? If he's a teacher he needs to be reported. Even though you're 18 if he is an instructor his boss needs to know about this.

I hate to say this but if you feel used you probably were.

By his behavior he's told you he's does not want to be in a relationship with you and you wanting it isn't going to change that. Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is obviously manipulating you and and here is a open secret, he'll do it again because you're willing to agree to his terms and his moods and he isn't yours! If he cared about you he would have returned your call or letters to find out if you are OK! No matter what kind of a mood you were in when you called. Being in love with someone isn't loosing yourself in the bargain!

Let experience be your teacher here. You didn't heed your own inner instinct about this guy. There's no need to be down on yourself about it, (and I'm not either) sometimes we need experience to teach us. You said you weren't that into him at first and were conflicted about seeing him there had to be a reason or several reasons why. But let me guess once he figured out that you weren't he turned on the charm until you did agree to see him? And now that you're into him he's making himself unavailable. Well that's one way to wear down your resistance until you'll agree to any terms to have a relationship with him.

Sometimes nothing is sexier to some people than someone who's been hurt (his marriage and cheating ex) because when we learn these things we think that they are vulnerable and they would never do unto others what's been done to them and that is a load of dung! They are just as capable of wounding others as they were "wounded". And as the old saying goes there are two sides to every story. Unless you know his ex and why she cheated, if his behavior to you is any indication of what a partner he is, then she may have had enough and bailed. I fear that you are projecting something onto him just isn't there! Something along the lines of "I know he's a really sweet and caring guy only he's been SO hurt. If I love him enough he'll know that I'm the one." See where this is really you projecting your need on him.

Step back and take a breath and really look at the situation you've described. Now imagine if one of the best/closet people in your life told you this story about themselves what advice would you give them?

Chalk it up to experience and move on! Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts but this kind of looser is only going to continue this type of behavior. Empower yourself! Love yourself! When the right person comes along there won't be games on either side!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

Hello LL.

Sorry if this isn't sugar coated.

You're 18 and he's 26 your both in the same school... I hope collage... or is he a teacher? If he's a teacher he needs to be reported. Even though you're 18 if he is an instructor his boss needs to know about this.

I hate to say this but if you feel used you probably were.

By his behavior he's told you he's does not want to be in a relationship with you and you wanting it isn't going to change that. Personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is obviously manipulating you and and here is a open secret, he'll do it again because you're willing to agree to his terms and his moods and he isn't yours! If he cared about you he would have returned your call or letters to find out if you are OK! No matter what kind of a mood you were in when you called. Being in love with someone isn't loosing yourself in the bargain!

Let experience be your teacher here. You didn't heed your own inner instinct about this guy. There's no need to be down on yourself about it, (and I'm not either) sometimes we need experience to teach us. You said you weren't that into him at first and were conflicted about seeing him there had to be a reason or several reasons why. But let me guess once he figured out that you weren't he turned on the charm until you did agree to see him? And now that you're into him he's making himself unavailable. Well that's one way to wear down your resistance until you'll agree to any terms to have a relationship with him.

Sometimes nothing is sexier to some people than someone who's been hurt (his marriage and cheating ex) because when we learn these things we think that they are vulnerable and they would never do unto others what's been done to them and that is a load of dung! They are just as capable of wounding others as they were "wounded". And as the old saying goes there are two sides to every story. Unless you know his ex and why she cheated, if his behavior to you is any indication of what a partner he is, then she may have had enough and bailed. I fear that you are projecting something onto him just isn't there! Something along the lines of "I know he's a really sweet and caring guy only he's been SO hurt. If I love him enough he'll know that I'm the one." See where this is really you projecting your need on him.

Step back and take a breath and really look at the situation you've described. Now imagine if one of the best/closet people in your life told you this story about themselves what advice would you give them?

Chalk it up to experience and move on! Yes it sucks! Yes it hurts but this kind of looser is only going to continue this type of behavior. Empower yourself! Love yourself! When the right person comes along there won't be games on either side!

Regards,

Mabon.

I understand and he was a student like me. I think I feel worse about the siuation because I did cause it on myself. My actions led to this happening, and I will admit, in the beginning he wasn't a bad guy, I didn't feel used, I felt like he was a good friend and I felt like I was a good friend to him. I should have been more open about the situation and more mature about it, and spoke my mind to him when he was speaking to me, but I didn't do that and I regret it. I guess I am too young for him, but whatever, you're right. I need to learn from this experiance and not let it control me like it has for the past weeks. I didn't know his ex, but I know why she cheated. He wasn't even hesitant in the beginning of talking to me, to actually have me to speak to his ex. I don't know what that shows, maybe he is a nice guy overall, he just has real trust issues with women, and he doesn't have time for my petty, childish drama. Don't blame him.

Edited March 15, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[Shego]

This is why kids are dumber than ever.

Don't call me dumb if you don't know him or me or even the entire story.

[Mabon]

I understand and he was a student like me. I think I feel worse about the siuation because I did cause it on myself. My actions led to this happening, and I will admit, in the beginning he wasn't a bad guy, I didn't feel used, I felt like he was a good friend and I felt like I was a good friend to him. I should have been more open about the situation and more mature about it, and spoke my mind to him when he was speaking to me, but I didn't do that and I regret it. I guess I am too young for him, but whatever, you're right. I need to learn from this experiance and not let it control me like it has for the past weeks. I didn't know his ex, but I know why she cheated. He wasn't even hesitant in the beginning of talking to me, to actually have me to speak to his ex. I don't know what that shows, maybe he is a nice guy overall, he just has real trust issues with women, and he doesn't have time for my petty, childish drama. Don't blame him.

LL, There is no reason to blame yourself and adding self-blame isn't empowering you, it's going to drag you down and make you more vulnerable in the long run. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and why you were willing to ignore your instincts. But yours' weren't the only actions that need examined in this or the ones that started this relationship. Your earlier posts didn't say you chased him and hounded him until he finally went out with you. You had reservations, told him no and after him repeatedly asking finally did go out with him.

There are different types of attraction and it's important to know that even though you're attracted to someone if they are a bad influence or have a major character flaw (examples; drug or alcohol dependent, manipulative, physical or mentally abusive) then a healthy relationship with them isn't possible. They aren't healthy people. Differentiating the type of attraction can help you understand in the future what type of relationship you will allow yourself to be a part of. Sexual attraction doesn't automatically equate life partner. Sympathetic attraction is where you may feel sorry for them and want to protect or nurture them but it isn't a healthy relationship beyond friends and sometimes it's an unhealthy friendship if they are all they want to talk about.

There is an assumption that someone who is in crisis wants to be rescued and it sounds like that was the role you took on and were assigned by him. I call this the wounded bird ploy. The wounded bird ploy is when someone uses their issue to attract a partner to manipulate. It gives them the feeling of power when they feel powerless and no abuser starts off by being openly manipulative/abusive.

If an abuser walked up to you and said "Hey, you look like someone I can control and exploit for my own reasons and here's how it's going to go.... at first I'm going to seem harmless/vulnerable... I'll act like your friend and that I'm interested in you and will form a relationship with you. You'll think that I'm really nice but I'll use my issue to keep myself emotionally distant because that's going to make you feel sorry for me and will draw you in further. In fact I'll restate my issue or issues for being emotionally distant early and often but will ask you to prove to me that your not like the others who emotionally wounded me. This will be a part of the process of molding you into the type of person that I can control. Once I know I can control you then I can leave the relationship at any time and pick it back up at will. Or I can further emotionally degrade you by hitting, cheating or what ever I want and fall back on the fact that I was hurt and I told you I had issues when we met and you'll accept it . Eventually I'll have you so confused that you won't trust your own judgement only mine and then the real abuse can begin and you'll be glad for it and will even apologize for causing me to (cheat, lie, hit) you. It's all a part of my power trip." If someone said something like that we would run for the hills. But they don't openly state it but you can see if it's happening.

In a healthy relationship there are rules and boundaries that every person has. Every person has their own moral compass that they go by and when we find our boundaries being compromised then it's time to see if the relationship is really one we need to be in. Rules and boundaries may be something like "please don't call me this weekend I have to study for exams" and they call you all weekend anyway or "I'm going to go and see my friend" and they want to know why you need to spend time with the friend because you can see your friend anytime and they really wanted to spend time (that friend time) with you. They will use the carrot and stick method. If you respond like they want they will be warm or if you don't they will sulk or verbally abuse you and your ideas until you yield to their wants. They may also threaten you with not seeing or up to and including harming you.

Then there are the big rules, Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. Don't hit me. One by one these rules and boundaries will be encroached upon and it will start small. A little give on your part here and then one there and it won't seem like that big of a deal but they add up and it is a part of turning an individual into someone that can be controlled. This isn't the fault of the person being manipulated but the manipulator. For however long you knew him he told aspects of himself. Aspects that drew you in but didn't let you really into his life. Don't fall for the trap of allowing them to make you more vulnerable. You've said that he told you and you've repeated that "maybe it's because I'm too immature" I'm hearing you put yourself down for being too immature for him because he said you were. Think about that he told you, you were too immature for him. Didn't that concern him before he asked you out? Didn't he know you before? You had been friends. He should have (if he is so mature) considered this before establishing a romantic relationship with you. Your age (maturity) has nothing to do with this! Anyone can fall for this at any age. When you're a good person and want to help someone and that someone uses you to make them feel better you weren't the one being immature.

In some respects he has accomplished the goal because you may not realize it but you are still fixating on him and his issues. Are you as concerned with you, how you're doing and your own issues? Loneliness isn't a crime and it sucks to be lonely. But as the old saying goes you can be lonely in a crowd of people. Happiness comes from within! Once we're happy then we can share that with others but we can't find our own happiness through others.

In some respect you can think about this as going through detox.Detoxing a relationship means no contact now, or ever from you to him. If he contacts you this includes lines from him like, I still want to be friends, up to and including I've changed, show him the door or you'll be back on the merry-go-round. Detox hurts~ but if you think about wanting him back in you life remember this time right now and how you feel because that will be your future with him. He was your crack.The hits started small and seemed harmless but before you knew it this guy filled every aspect of your life until there was very little of you in your life, or your needs being met. Now he's cut off the supply. There is an emotional high in relationships and a toxic one is just as addictive as any street drug. I'm sure he used lines, like your the only one I can talk with about this or I know you understand. That's getting you hooked because it plays on an individuals need to nurture and sympathy and we all like to feel special. And you are! But you've got to take care of yourself first! It will take you some time to detox him out of your life but once you do and you walk away wiser you will choose more carefully and be less inclined to not be included in your (combined) relationship with another person.

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

LL, There is no reason to blame yourself and adding self-blame isn't empowering you, it's going to drag you down and make you more vulnerable in the long run. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and why you were willing to ignore your instincts. But yours' weren't the only actions that need examined in this or the ones that started this relationship. Your earlier posts didn't say you chased him and hounded him until he finally went out with you. You had reservations, told him no and after him repeatedly asking finally did go out with him.

There are different types of attraction and it's important to know that even though you're attracted to someone if they are a bad influence or have a major character flaw (examples; drug or alcohol dependent, manipulative, physical or mentally abusive) then a healthy relationship with them isn't possible. They aren't healthy people. Differentiating the type of attraction can help you understand in the future what type of relationship you will allow yourself to be a part of. Sexual attraction doesn't automatically equate life partner. Sympathetic attraction is where you may feel sorry for them and want to protect or nurture them but it isn't a healthy relationship beyond friends and sometimes it's an unhealthy friendship if they are all they want to talk about.

There is an assumption that someone who is in crisis wants to be rescued and it sounds like that was the role you took on and were assigned by him. I call this the wounded bird ploy. The wounded bird ploy is when someone uses their issue to attract a partner to manipulate. It gives them the feeling of power when they feel powerless and no abuser starts off by being openly manipulative/abusive.

If an abuser walked up to you and said "Hey, you look like someone I can control and exploit for my own reasons and here's how it's going to go.... at first I'm going to seem harmless/vulnerable... I'll act like your friend and that I'm interested in you and will form a relationship with you. You'll think that I'm really nice but I'll use my issue to keep myself emotionally distant because that's going to make you feel sorry for me and will draw you in further. In fact I'll restate my issue or issues for being emotionally distant early and often but will ask you to prove to me that your not like the others who emotionally wounded me. This will be a part of the process of molding you into the type of person that I can control. Once I know I can control you then I can leave the relationship at any time and pick it back up at will. Or I can further emotionally degrade you by hitting, cheating or what ever I want and fall back on the fact that I was hurt and I told you I had issues when we met and you'll accept it . Eventually I'll have you so confused that you won't trust your own judgement only mine and then the real abuse can begin and you'll be glad for it and will even apologize for causing me to (cheat, lie, hit) you. It's all a part of my power trip." If someone said something like that we would run for the hills. But they don't openly state it but you can see if it's happening.

In a healthy relationship there are rules and boundaries that every person has. Every person has their own moral compass that they go by and when we find our boundaries being compromised then it's time to see if the relationship is really one we need to be in. Rules and boundaries may be something like "please don't call me this weekend I have to study for exams" and they call you all weekend anyway or "I'm going to go and see my friend" and they want to know why you need to spend time with the friend because you can see your friend anytime and they really wanted to spend time (that friend time) with you. They will use the carrot and stick method. If you respond like they want they will be warm or if you don't they will sulk or verbally abuse you and your ideas until you yield to their wants. They may also threaten you with not seeing or up to and including harming you.

Then there are the big rules, Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. Don't hit me. One by one these rules and boundaries will be encroached upon and it will start small. A little give on your part here and then one there and it won't seem like that big of a deal but they add up and it is a part of turning an individual into someone that can be controlled. This isn't the fault of the person being manipulated but the manipulator. For however long you knew him he told aspects of himself. Aspects that drew you in but didn't let you really into his life. Don't fall for the trap of allowing them to make you more vulnerable. You've said that he told you and you've repeated that "maybe it's because I'm too immature" I'm hearing you put yourself down for being too immature for him because he said you were. Think about that he told you, you were too immature for him. Didn't that concern him before he asked you out? Didn't he know you before? You had been friends. He should have (if he is so mature) considered this before establishing a romantic relationship with you. Your age (maturity) has nothing to do with this! Anyone can fall for this at any age. When you're a good person and want to help someone and that someone uses you to make them feel better you weren't the one being immature.

In some respects he has accomplished the goal because you may not realize it but you are still fixating on him and his issues. Are you as concerned with you, how you're doing and your own issues? Loneliness isn't a crime and it sucks to be lonely. But as the old saying goes you can be lonely in a crowd of people. Happiness comes from within! Once we're happy then we can share that with others but we can't find our own happiness through others.

In some respect you can think about this as going through detox.Detoxing a relationship means no contact now, or ever from you to him. If he contacts you this includes lines from him like, I still want to be friends, up to and including I've changed, show him the door or you'll be back on the merry-go-round. Detox hurts~ but if you think about wanting him back in you life remember this time right now and how you feel because that will be your future with him. He was your crack.The hits started small and seemed harmless but before you knew it this guy filled every aspect of your life until there was very little of you in your life, or your needs being met. Now he's cut off the supply. There is an emotional high in relationships and a toxic one is just as addictive as any street drug. I'm sure he used lines, like your the only one I can talk with about this or I know you understand. That's getting you hooked because it plays on an individuals need to nurture and sympathy and we all like to feel special. And you are! But you've got to take care of yourself first! It will take you some time to detox him out of your life but once you do and you walk away wiser you will choose more carefully and be less inclined to not be included in your (combined) relationship with another person.

Regards,

Mabon.

This is really good advice, I appreciate it! You didn't have to write all of that.

The reason I say the relationship failed between myself and this guy, is because I had problems in the past. I pushed people who wanted to be close to me away. This includes my family, my friends and so forth, even if they had hurt me in the past or not, I have never really opened myself completely to anybody. I don't do that because I'm scared. I care too much about what others think about me, and I shouldn't. When I first started to hang out with this guy, I remember I was extremely self conscience, as I am with mostly everybody. I wanted him to like me and I did not speak my mind as much as I should have or wanted to, because I didn't want to scare him away. The guy does have alcoholic problems, he has drug problems, he has criminal records and so forth and he wouldn't just tell me, but he would show me he was trying to better himself to be with me. He stopped drinking as much alcohol as he use to, he stopped doing drugs, and he just wanted to correct himself for me. But I always wanted to tell him, don't correct yourself for me, do it because you want to do it and you want to grow and heal. I did happen to tell him in a couple of last messages on Facebook how I really saw him and everything, and I did tell him, he needs to help himself and gain some self-worth before he starts trying to get into a serious relationship. If he read it. I don't know. It says he looked at it, so there is a possibility he did read it, but he didn't reply to it.

Now, in the beginning of our friendship, he was the nicest person in my life at the time. I was there for him and he was there for me. He had problems to the point where he was trying to commit suicide at 2 am or 3 am and he called me while in the process of doing that (which was SO weird because I hadn't known him for longer than a month or so and he calls me out of all the friends and family he could have), and even though I had morning classes and was half asleep, I stayed on the phone with this guy for hours trying to calm him down and all he was doing was sobbing and telling me stories of things he had experianced in the army, which was really sad and I felt bad for him. It was obvious he has post traumatic stress disorder from what he saw. Even though he didn't really want to talk about it after that, it was obvious that he still had that problem. He was also there for me, when I was back in Los Angeles and everything was going horrible, I would call him at 3 in the morning crying and he would answer everytime and talk to me and calm me down. When my grandfather died, I couldn't make it to his funeral and he was right there physically, comforting me when I was sobbing.

Now, the problems started when he started showing some jealousy towards other guys I would talk to. Mind you, I didn't have any sort of crush or anything on him at the time, I saw him as a really good friend as mine. And then he asked me out a few months after he showed this jealousy and I was just...shocked at that and VERY scared at the same time. I had mixed feelings for him at this time, I still liked him as a friend, but then it sort of came to me that if he got a girlfriend I knew I would be really sad and jealous. So I accepted his offer, but this relationship didn't last more than a day. I stopped it because I wasn't happy at all, because of my extremely mixed feelings towards him. Now even after all of that, we continued to be friends, and then he told me "Let's just be friends for now if you have mixed feelings and then over time we will where that exculates." Okay, I barely know anybody here, and I would tell him how bored I was sitting in my dorm all the time and the people I did know never wanted to really go out. I mean, I'm a city chick living in the middle of the countryside now, I want to go out and do whatever, because I'm use to always being out and having things to do all the time. I made my first mistake when he took me out. I guess he still had these feelings for me, but that's not the point. The point is, I have a mega problem when it comes to appreciating people, my mother knows this, my best friends, and now he knows this. I was happy he took me out and was going all out to take me to show me somethings where he was from and at this moment, he wanted to introduce me to his parents (he tried introducing me many times before, but I always rejected his invitation), and then take me to this ranch that he had with his horses. He had this entire thing planned out for me and I was being "effy" the entire time. I wasn't smiling, wasn't talking that much, which was typical of me, weird I know, but now I'm learning to correct it. He would see I was not talking or smiling and so forth and he tell me "Wow, you look miserable, or bored" and I wasn't bored or miserable and I told him I wasn't. BUT my entire mistake was NEVER telling him how happy I was being with him and how I loved how he took his chances to show me around. If I would have told him that, and he wouldn't have gotten angry (like everybody else who go out of their ways to do nice things for me do) and he might be still talking to me right now. I feel like my action that night, really changed him, because after that, he was just...sort of different. I don't blame him for becoming distant to me after that, because he did tell me he didn't have time for bull****, and trust me, in the past, you had to get through a lot of bull**** to even get sort of close to me. My mother, aunt, cousins, and best friends have told me this all the time in the past, but I never believed I was that type of person and dismissed their claims as "they don't understand me". After this entire incident, I realize, they were right! And I will admit, I have grown as a person because of this entire incident and I have even told the guy "thank you", even when he is ignoring me.

Call me crazy, but I don't see him as a bad person, as much as my friends or uncle say he was a douche, I mean, I don't think he was. I have been in situations where I had to deal with difficult bull everyday in my friendship with a certain person and there have been times where they are insensitive or overreacting over nothing and I have ignored that person for a month or so before talking to them again because I couldn't handle it. I don't know if this is the same situation here, but out of all the friendships I've had with men and I have treated them like **** and have done things I'd rather not speak of, they do end up getting angry with me and say they're done with me, but they end up talking to me again a month or two later after I stop calling them or sending them messages or anything. I have been in arguments with guys where, they hang up in my face on the phone, I try calling them back and they ignore my call and turn their phone off and I just leave them to be and they usually always get back to me a month or so later, apologizing for their actions. This time, I don't know if that will happen, I hope it does, I really want to show him I've grown and changed, because now my friends and my family even see the change in me because of this entire incident. I just HATE ending a friendship on bad terms, and all the friendships that have been broken in my life, they end up in a nice common ground relationship after a few months later and we just decide there is no use ignoring each other anymore, because that's childish. I am a fool I know, but I love people, especially people I've made connections with. And I've told this guy so much about me, and he has done the same to me, to me, it seems stupid for both of us to just drop each other after opening up like we did.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[Mabon]

LL,

No one can make up the past! It's past. Sure we can and should learn from it (and try not to repeat our mistakes) but this guy is not the one for you to try to sort that out on. His issues are far too complex and he needs professional help. Love, friendship or either one won't fix this guys issues! Read up on and learn about codependent relationships, controlling behavior and narcissism it will explain where you've been and what you'll go through getting out of them. There are others (men and women) who waste huge chunks of their life to unhealthy/abusive relationships.

http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/ this is an example of some reading and will empower you!

Reg flags in the relationship were out there and you properly identified them, drugs, alcohol problems, jealousy and suicidal tendencies. These aren't small issues! Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want to you're not capable of handling or really helping him with his issues because you aren't a mental health worker. This isn't your failing it's a fact! One of the things that a mental health worker (using this term to encompass the field) knows how to do is distance themselves from their patients. One of the reasons is that If you are in a romantic/friendship relationship with someone (who has any of these issues) you are too close to actually counsel them. They can (and will) manipulate your emotions to continue their self destructive behavior and damage you in the bargain. The best thing would be for him to get treatment! Here is the sad part, he most likely won't but that isn't your problem it's his. He has to choose to want help, real help not just sucking the life out of people he can currently influence. What he's doing isn't really helping him he is using you (and others) as a crutch for his issues and they will only get worse not better if not properly treated. Money isn't an issue if he is ex military, he should have access to military hospitals and their counseling staff.

Right now your life is changing! You've gone from high school to collage, from a closed system to an open one. High school has a finite number of people that you are forced by circumstance to encounter until you graduate. In that kind of system you do have to make peace when emotional/physical situations occur or else it is really tense or the principle steps in and settles it. Collage isn't like that! People will drift in and out of collage more so than in high school so that forced togetherness isn't there any more. In collage there is a lack of cohesion and supervision that some students can't handle others rise to it and the emerging adulthood. In collage unlike high school there are wider age/experience ranges that you don't see in high school this can make high school easier or harder for everyone because everyone is experiencing the same issues at about the same time. Collage is a whole new ball game, with segments of all sorts of ages/experiences reflected.

Your own issues are yours' to resolve too! I'm hearing you say that you don't appreciate or open up to people easily. Hmmm...... let me think about this for a minute... You've opened up to me someone that you don't know.. you said you talked with your friends and family about this (uncle) and that's sounds to me like you can do it perhaps it has more to do with who you feel comfortable with and that's not a bad thing. I'll share with you something a wise friend once shared with me when I was worried about a similar issue... they said if you're worried you aren't a good person you are a good person. Because only someone who cares would really worry about it!

Get out of the dorm! See what clubs or activities you might be interested in that the campus provides. That way you can meet people who share your interests, that's a great way to meet new people. Take this time to find out who you are, what you want out of life! Trust me when I say this, it goes by so quickly and loosing time over a situation that is out of your control is time you'll never get back. You may not think it but in a strange way this interaction with this guy may not in the long run be the worst thing if you learn from it. Believe it or not, I hope this guy gets the professional help he needs! But again your not the one who can do it, he has to do it/want it for himself or treatment won't work!

And you are most welcome!

Thank you for listening!

I hope it helps you!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

LL,

No one can make up the past! It's past. Sure we can and should learn from it (and try not to repeat our mistakes) but this guy is not the one for you to try to sort that out on. His issues are far too complex and he needs professional help. Love, friendship or either one won't fix this guys issues! Read up on and learn about codependent relationships, controlling behavior and narcissism it will explain where you've been and what you'll go through getting out of them. There are others (men and women) who waste huge chunks of their life to unhealthy/abusive relationships.

http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/ this is an example of some reading and will empower you!

Reg flags in the relationship were out there and you properly identified them, drugs, alcohol problems, jealousy and suicidal tendencies. These aren't small issues! Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want to you're not capable of handling or really helping him with his issues because you aren't a mental health worker. This isn't your failing it's a fact! One of the things that a mental health worker (using this term to encompass the field) knows how to do is distance themselves from their patients. One of the reasons is that If you are in a romantic/friendship relationship with someone (who has any of these issues) you are too close to actually counsel them. They can (and will) manipulate your emotions to continue their self destructive behavior and damage you in the bargain. The best thing would be for him to get treatment! Here is the sad part, he most likely won't but that isn't your problem it's his. He has to choose to want help, real help not just sucking the life out of people he can currently influence. What he's doing isn't really helping him he is using you (and others) as a crutch for his issues and they will only get worse not better if not properly treated. Money isn't an issue if he is ex military, he should have access to military hospitals and their counseling staff.

Right now your life is changing! You've gone from high school to collage, from a closed system to an open one. High school has a finite number of people that you are forced by circumstance to encounter until you graduate. In that kind of system you do have to make peace when emotional/physical situations occur or else it is really tense or the principle steps in and settles it. Collage isn't like that! People will drift in and out of collage more so than in high school so that forced togetherness isn't there any more. In collage there is a lack of cohesion and supervision that some students can't handle others rise to it and the emerging adulthood. In collage unlike high school there are wider age/experience ranges that you don't see in high school this can make high school easier or harder for everyone because everyone is experiencing the same issues at about the same time. Collage is a whole new ball game, with segments of all sorts of ages/experiences reflected.

Your own issues are yours' to resolve too! I'm hearing you say that you don't appreciate or open up to people easily. Hmmm...... let me think about this for a minute... You've opened up to me someone that you don't know.. you said you talked with your friends and family about this (uncle) and that's sounds to me like you can do it perhaps it has more to do with who you feel comfortable with and that's not a bad thing. I'll share with you something a wise friend once shared with me when I was worried about a similar issue... they said if you're worried you aren't a good person you are a good person. Because only someone who cares would really worry about it!

Get out of the dorm! See what clubs or activities you might be interested in that the campus provides. That way you can meet people who share your interests, that's a great way to meet new people. Take this time to find out who you are, what you want out of life! Trust me when I say this, it goes by so quickly and loosing time over a situation that is out of your control is time you'll never get back. You may not think it but in a strange way this interaction with this guy may not in the long run be the worst thing if you learn from it. Believe it or not, I hope this guy gets the professional help he needs! But again your not the one who can do it, he has to do it/want it for himself or treatment won't work!

And you are most welcome!

Thank you for listening!

I hope it helps you!

Regards,

Mabon.

Do you think this guy will feel guilty and regret hurting me? I don't think he will. I mean, I apologized to him, weeks ago, about how I treated him because I did feel like I was in the wrong, so I don't have anything bad on my shoulders right now, I stepped up and admitted to my mistakes and I'm actually learning from them. He is the one that's looking like an ass, by not admitting to his and also admitting that he has a problem. What's horrible about this entire sitaution is that he was my first kiss. So, I'm not going to forget about him, but right now I'm completely over him. He can be miserable, but I'm so totally not going to be joining him.

Everyone I know says that he is going to talk to me again in a month or two, what should I do if he does that? Ignore him or just explain to him I'm over him and I don't want him to be in my life anymore? I still feel sorry for him, but I'm not going to get into a relationship with him of any kind. Do you think that any type of relationship for him wouldn't work out until he solves those problems that he has? A lot of decent girls around here wouldn't give him the time of day if they found out about his criminal records and his drinking and drug problems. He is an okay looking guy, he is nice, not really in shape. He did have the authenticity to tell me he has been with chicks that are as cute as me (but most likely they weren't trying to help him, they most likely only wanted to use him for sex because amazing how he is 26 and has only had one serious relationship apart from his marriage (he got married when he was 18; this other serious relationship happened when he was 22 or 23), but yeah, he has been with a lot of cute chicks, and those cute chicks didn't really care about him as a person---- since it has been FOUR years since that last serious relationship), but uhh, like what "cute girls" has he actual come across, that didn't want a one night stand, but actually wanted to build a relationship with him beyond that? I think he has only had three in an eight year period, which was his first wife, his fiance and me. That's just going off by what he has told me by the way. Dude is almost 30! If he wants "stability" as he told me, he needs to stop pushing people away that give two ****s about him. He is lookng for love the wrong way; if he is only looking for chicks for their looks and not their heart. I mean, not saying there aren't good looking girls that would have a heart for him, but looking at his qualifications, there aren't many that would want a serious relationship or any type of relationship with a loser. And those that do want to try a relationship with him, to me, it would be out of pity, like I did and I think it would end the same way as mine did.

Something tells me he is going to come crawling back to me in the long run when he realizes all those good looking chicks don't give two ****s about him, it's like this gut feeling and I hate it. It's happened so many times between me and a lot guys before. And in the end we end up in good terms, but I end communication with them, because they say they have changed, but that change lasts a month and they go back to their old ways. I really hope he gets correct help and changes too. I don't like seeing people in the state that he was.

But yeah! Thank you again so much for all of your advice, I know you didn't have to do this.

One more question though, completely random, but would a truly bad person know and admit to themselves being bad? They wouldn't right? Because they wouldn't see any actions they have ever done as bad, but always good in some way. Like they wouldn't feel guilt and wouldn't admit to being a bad person.

[Mabon]

Sorry that he was your first kiss! It stinks and it's rotten! Did you check out the site I suggested that you read? This site and ones on codependent relationships will explain in detail what life with him or others of this same type would be like and how to safe guard yourself against bad relationships!

No I don't think this guy will regret hurting you! He will never regret it in the way a healthy person would regret a failed relationship. He has no authentic feelings for anyone because of his drug, alcohol and emotional issues! Until he sees he has problems then completes a rehabilitation program and gets counseling for his emotional issues (which will take a long time) he will not be in a place to be in a relationship with you or anyone else.

It's up to you what to do. If you don't want him in your life don't respond to him at all. If you do you will get a repeat of what you've just been through only in this go round it will be far worse. I've seen this countless times with friends and family. They get involved because they are sympathetic towards someone who has one or more of the issues this guy has (because sadly it's not uncommon) and get stuck because they feel sorry for them. In a healthy relationship the first thing you think of about the other person isn't sorrow, a good relationship isn't built on that. If you do get back with him even as friends (which I think is unwise because you've been attracted to him) this time will be worse than the last he knows the demands he can make on you and will make more. Remember he is a substance abuser and they are not in control of themselves or honest with themselves how can they be with anyone else?

Him telling you about the other cuter girls or women in his life isn't really about you it's about him. He didn't tell you this to pay you a compliment! He did it to pay himself one! He was building his self image up while knocking yours' down! What he said translates to " I've been with hot women! You are just one of them." Where he's at everything is about him and what he wants. No one truly matters if they don't compliment his self image. His parents, you or anyone else doesn't means a thing to him just him. And if you contradict this image you have to go. Self worth doesn't come from being cute or handsome and it shouldn't be the yardstick that we use to gauge ourselves or others. Pretty is as pretty does as the old saying goes. Attractive people sometimes use their looks to mask a deeper ugly or their true selves.

I don't think that someone who is self absorbed would think that their actions are bad. If they would apologize it wouldn't be the same as if an healthy person did. They wouldn't do it to make the wronged person feel better they would do it have the wronged person back under their control. It isn't about conflict resolution it's only about them.

Again you're welcome!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

Sorry that he was your first kiss! It stinks and it's rotten! Did you check out the site I suggested that you read? This site and ones on codependent relationships will explain in detail what life with him or others of this same type would be like and how to safe guard yourself against bad relationships!

No I don't think this guy will regret hurting you! He will never regret it in the way a healthy person would regret a failed relationship. He has no authentic feelings for anyone because of his drug, alcohol and emotional issues! Until he sees he has problems then completes a rehabilitation program and gets counseling for his emotional issues (which will take a long time) he will not be in a place to be in a relationship with you or anyone else.

It's up to you what to do. If you don't want him in your life don't respond to him at all. If you do you will get a repeat of what you've just been through only in this go round it will be far worse. I've seen this countless times with friends and family. They get involved because they are sympathetic towards someone who has one or more of the issues this guy has (because sadly it's not uncommon) and get stuck because they feel sorry for them. In a healthy relationship the first thing you think of about the other person isn't sorrow, a good relationship isn't built on that. If you do get back with him even as friends (which I think is unwise because you've been attracted to him) this time will be worse than the last he knows the demands he can make on you and will make more. Remember he is a substance abuser and they are not in control of themselves or honest with themselves how can they be with anyone else?

Him telling you about the other cuter girls or women in his life isn't really about you it's about him. He didn't tell you this to pay you a compliment! He did it to pay himself one! He was building his self image up while knocking yours' down! What he said translates to " I've been with hot women! You are just one of them." Where he's at everything is about him and what he wants. No one truly matters if they don't compliment his self image. His parents, you or anyone else doesn't means a thing to him just him. And if you contradict this image you have to go. Self worth doesn't come from being cute or handsome and it shouldn't be the yardstick that we use to gauge ourselves or others. Pretty is as pretty does as the old saying goes. Attractive people sometimes use their looks to mask a deeper ugly or their true selves.

I don't think that someone who is self absorbed would think that their actions are bad. If they would apologize it wouldn't be the same as if an healthy person did. They wouldn't do it to make the wronged person feel better they would do it have the wronged person back under their control. It isn't about conflict resolution it's only about them.

Again you're welcome!

Regards,

Mabon.

I also think that his mental age isn't in tune with his real age of 26. I know another 26 year old (I've known him for years!) and he has been through very tramatic experiances through his rough, abusive childhood to his family abandoning him after he joined the special forces. He has been in the infantry and he use to suffer from PTSD, and he did have the same drug and alcoholic problems. The difference is, he made those mistakes around the same time the other guy did (21 or 22) and now that he is 26 he is trying to fix himself up and better himself. He doesn't drink anymore to get drunk, he doesn't do drugs anymore and he doesn't suffer from PTSD anymore because he got help. He told me the other guy was a "*****" so to speak and that he needs to get help and stop being a pity party. I agree completely with him! I don't see the first 26 year old guy ever being in a stable, healthy relationship with anybody because the only people that would be interested in him would be people who have the same internal conflicts as him. Women who are alcoholics and who do drugs may be the only people he could be in a "stable" relationship with, but not a healthy one. I really feel sorry for him, because I see him getting into a relationship with a woman like that and that's going to cause more harm than good in my book. He might be happy, but sooner or later he is going to find himself in a hole he can never get out of.

Yes I did go to the website you gave me! Thank you so much! Very useful information.

[Shego]

To the people that care...I haven't been on Facebook in a week and I just logged in today and got a message from him from last week saying he wanted to talk last weekend, but I was busy and I'm busy all this week too.

[Mabon]

[snipped for point]

I agree completely with him! I don't see the first 26 year old guy ever being in a stable, healthy relationship with anybody because the only people that would be interested in him would be people who have the same internal conflicts as him. Women who are alcoholics and who do drugs may be the only people he could be in a "stable" relationship with, but not a healthy one. I really feel sorry for him, because I see him getting into a relationship with a woman like that and that's going to cause more harm than good in my book. He might be happy, but sooner or later he is going to find himself in a hole he can never get out of.

This is one of the ideas that can be so damaging to others and yourself. I do understand that you are trying to distance yourself from this experience and regain control but IMHO this isn't healthy. Age, intelligence, gender or maturity there is no one demographic of who will fall for this kind of manipulation. Others with issues will be easier but everyone has issues it has more to do with being exploited by someone is using the emotions of their victim against them. And it seems that you are still detoxing because you're worried about him being with other women but don't seem sympathetic toward others he may cause pain to. You want to write them off as drug/alcoholic dependent are you like that? Who's to say it won't be another nice person who gets entangled with him because they don't listen to their instinct? Remember the wounded bird ploy.

Since he's tried to make contact it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You now have control of your self to decide if a relationship with him is possible on any level. But it's your life and your choices.

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

Hi I am new member here and just read your post very glad to find you.

Why?

[Shego]

[snipped for point]

This is one of the ideas that can be so damaging to others and yourself. I do understand that you are trying to distance yourself from this experience and regain control but IMHO this isn't healthy. Age, intelligence, gender or maturity there is no one demographic of who will fall for this kind of manipulation. Others with issues will be easier but everyone has issues it has more to do with being exploited by someone is using the emotions of their victim against them. And it seems that you are still detoxing because you're worried about him being with other women but don't seem sympathetic toward others he may cause pain to. You want to write them off as drug/alcoholic dependent are you like that? Who's to say it won't be another nice person who gets entangled with him because they don't listen to their instinct? Remember the wounded bird ploy.

Since he's tried to make contact it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You now have control of your self to decide if a relationship with him is possible on any level. But it's your life and your choices.

Regards,

Mabon.

No! I mean...I don't know. Uh, I should just give it up but I can't. If he did get a girlfriend or whatever I would be majorly jealous. That's all I'm going to say. I have it bad. If I could just sit down and talk to him. I would feel so much better.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[Mabon]

Why?

This was a spam. You know someone who posts so they can put in their tag a site that they want to advertise In a strange funny way it's kind of like the guy you are talking about. A statement was presented that made it seem there was a real person who cared and wanted to interact with you but it was just a trick to get you to read their blog.

No! I mean...I don't know. Uh, I should just give it up but I can't. If he did get a girlfriend or whatever I would be majorly jealous. That's all I'm going to say. I have it bad. If I could just sit down and talk to him. I would feel so much better.

Can't give it up or won't give it up? You can walk away, currently you don't want to because you are still getting something out of it. What that is I don't know, only you do.

Well... I don't think that you would be human if you didn't feel something but if jealousy is one of the prime emotions that isn't healthy. Jealousy is based on competition and the need to be number one, or self image. If you're jealous of him you are always going to be at a disadvantage wondering who he's going to be attracted to and if he's going to leave you for someone else. Thats still having the relationship based on his needs and issues and he gave you reason to feel that way at the beginning of the relationship. Think about it, where do you fit in that type of relationship? When would you have time for you to accomplish what you want out of your life? You won't... you'll be to busy dealing with his issues to concentrate on your own. Do you think he will want or be able to put his issues on hold if you are having a real problem in your life? There are three ways it could go; he'll be supportive, he'll seem supportive but turn the conversation/s round to himself or he'll bail. Consider his track record to see which you think most likely and do you need the added stress of wondering if you can depend on him to be supportive when you really need it?

What do you think talking with him would accomplish? If you think talking with him will allow him to understand your position and how this has affected you, I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Where he's at he simply can't feel anything for anyone other than himself. He has already proven it.

This isn't the fairytale of "Beauty and the Beast". He won't change just because you showed him kindness, kindness is viewed as weakness by people who exploit others. It seems you're still in the thrall of the, "but.. if only" fantasy! In real life the beast remains a beast! Beauty, always has the option of getting the heck out of fairyland and on with her life!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

This was a spam. You know someone who posts so they can put in their tag a site that they want to advertise In a strange funny way it's kind of like the guy you are talking about. A statement was presented that made it seem there was a real person who cared and wanted to interact with you but it was just a trick to get you to read their blog.

Can't give it up or won't give it up? You can walk away, currently you don't want to because you are still getting something out of it. What that is I don't know, only you do.

Well... I don't think that you would be human if you didn't feel something but if jealousy is one of the prime emotions that isn't healthy. Jealousy is based on competition and the need to be number one, or self image. If you're jealous of him you are always going to be at a disadvantage wondering who he's going to be attracted to and if he's going to leave you for someone else. Thats still having the relationship based on his needs and issues and he gave you reason to feel that way at the beginning of the relationship. Think about it, where do you fit in that type of relationship? When would you have time for you to accomplish what you want out of your life? You won't... you'll be to busy dealing with his issues to concentrate on your own. Do you think he will want or be able to put his issues on hold if you are having a real problem in your life? There are three ways it could go; he'll be supportive, he'll seem supportive but turn the conversation/s round to himself or he'll bail. Consider his track record to see which you think most likely and do you need the added stress of wondering if you can depend on him to be supportive when you really need it?

What do you think talking with him would accomplish? If you think talking with him will allow him to understand your position and how this has affected you, I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Where he's at he simply can't feel anything for anyone other than himself. He has already proven it.

This isn't the fairytale of "Beauty and the Beast". He won't change just because you showed him kindness, kindness is viewed as weakness by people who exploit others. It seems you're still in the thrall of the, "but.. if only" fantasy! In real life the beast remains a beast! Beauty, always has the option of getting the heck out of fairyland and on with her life!

Regards,

Mabon.

I don't know! There is NOTHING I am getting out of this whole incident. It makes me angry that he cannot explain himself, that's all I want is a straightfoward answer as to WHY. But I want him to tell me and then I'll be at ease. In the past two and a half months I have been stressed out with constant arguing with my "best friend" of five years because here comes this other guy, telling me he likes me and all this other crap. I had mixed feelings for him, he was asking me to give him a chance and it was the WORST time to do it. My "best friend" lied to me, and then he confessed he had a crush on me since 9th grade, which is like WTF? We started our friendship in 8th grade because of people's big mouths telling him that I had a crush on him. When he started having feeling for me four years ago, why didn't he ask me out then? Because the feelings I had for him,were not there anymore. I saw him as a brother figure. He lied to me and said he saw me as a sister figure then when I get back from LA, two weeks in, he tells me "I had a dream about us getting married and having kids". That freaked me out to the MAX. Then this other guy was talking about "I'm looking for a stable relationship and I want that to lead to a wife" and he was asking me to give him a chance? I was like SO STRESSED OUT and majorly confused. I felt guilty after I rejected my best friend and his offer to go out, and then gave the other guy a chance that lasted for a day because of my mixed and guilty feelings. On top of that I have two other guys, one I've known since I've got here, and the other one I've known for four years both of them were asking me out too. All of this happened in like a two and a half month period ever since I got back here, I picked this alcoholic, drug using doofus over the other three guys because he gave me this feeling that I wasn't getting from my best friend nor the other two guys. He actually made me feel like really beautiful, special and extremely happy. So, of course I'm sitting here, at his house, hearing he and his friend talking about they might transfer and it hurts me. Like I don't want him to go and I don't want him out of my life. No matter how ******* hard I try to let this entire situation go, I end up still missing him, still wanting to be with him and only him. I've tried going to parties, to dances, metting all these guys, talking to them, but at the end of the night, guess who I end up thinking about? The guy. It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm doing something and I did something my mother would NEVER approve, if she found out she would disown me. She was like calling me almost every time I would get back from this guys house and make comments out of the blue that would leave a "wtf" in my head. "Don't hang out with pot smokers...Don't hang out with rednecks...don't come back here pregnant with one's child..." Like oh my gosh!

I don't have much issues anymore. One of my big issues of me and my "best friend" have been solved. We aren't friends anymore. The other issue is the relationship between him and myself. As much as you say talking to him won't do anything, I have this complete desire to just sit down with him and talk. It could have happened the week before, but that week my "best friend" wanted to argue with me every day and show how jealous he was I was picking this guy over him. So I was like "whatever" and turned off my phone and didn't go on facebook for that entire week. That week the doofus messaged me saying he wanted to talk that weekend and my phone was off, I didn't go on facebook at all. That week was spent doing homework, going to parties and hanging out with the few friends I have here.

I don't know why I'm being so stupid. Like uhhhh, it's fustrating.