43 replies to this topic

[Voyager]

I would really have to provide a proper backdrop/foundation for you to really understand this situation, but it would take a lot of time to write, plus I know you probably don't want to read a long story, so I'm just going to give you the basic matter at hand. I will let you know, however, that I am 1 of 5 children, we are all adults, I'm 30, myself. The 2 girls in my family are pretty mature, successful and independent, while us 4 boys are without jobs and have had trouble with society. Our father were not in our lives (the girls' weren't either but they did have more fatherly influence than we did). 3 of us boys still live home with our mother, and my oldest brother is in prison with a life-sentence. The oldest one of us is pretty sociable and has had good jobs and has a nice car---although he's struggling to keep it because he lost his job a couple months ago. The two of us youngest boys are very introverted (my little brother even much more than me), don't have licenses or know how to drive... I, myself, still don't have a GED (got a HS diploma from an independent company), literally could not tell you where North, South, East, or West is from here or anywhere, or how to read a map, just now learned my times tables, don't own one piece of property, am thousands of dollars in debt, don't have a real (stable) job, can never get Financial Aid (for school) again, have no insurance, really nothing going for me... (and of course, I don't have a significant other---who would want to date me?).

Well, I just put in application for Walmart and Home Depot and am going to register (out of pocket, if I can save enough money between now and January) for a Spring college course . So, everything I plan on having is closer to a certain area (Walmart, Home Depot, and the college, even the job I'm working at now)---closer to where my friend lives. He (a Christian brother, who my mother has met and perceived that he wasn't sanctified enough for my company---but she has found something wrong with just about everyone who I've ever introduced her to) has opened his doors to me and said that I can move in right now if I want to. He won't expect anything (financially) from me until I am stable enough to contribute.

I plan on moving the first week of December. The thing is, how do I tell my mother? She's hyper religious and takes that scripture "A man shall leave his mother and cleave unto his wife..." quite literally, meaning she doesn't believe a man should leave the nest until he finds a wife. Well, I'm not married and don't plan on being for a long time. She grew up in a big close-nit family where they all slept on top of one another (figuratively speaking) so she doesn't believe that I, even at 30 years old, have any reason to leave.

We have gone around this mountain many times over the past several years---me telling her I wanted to move, and her response has always been "that's not the will of God for your life; you were meant to stay close to me." Plus, when she found out I was gay, it added insult to injury. Her being a pastor, she believes God has ordained her to keep watch over my soul (and I do believe that she sincerely believes God spoke to her about this). She believes that if I leave the "Arc of Safety" (as she calls it) that the devil will have legal rights to me and that I will end up in Hell... and she has even prophesied God's judgment upon me if I do "rebel" and decide to leave home---she says that if I die or am killed, fall into poverty or something, that basically, it will be my fault. She doesn't believe I am mature or spiritually advanced enough to handle life. So every time I have mentioned anything to her about me wanting to move here or there it has always turn into an argument (although she does most of the talking). She alway dominates the situation with her fiery, pushy, and argumentative personality, and I end up being intimidated and shrinking back and feeling far too guilty to take that step out. I always feel guilty about leaving her, so much that I don't believe I would be able to enjoy independence (She actually almost choked to death one time, and if I had not been there at that moment to save her, she might not have been here, and I'd have blamed myself).

I do believe this move is the will of God this time, as everything has fallen into place, lately, like puzzle pieces. Even this trusted minister/spiritual counselor (who doesn't know me from Adam or anything about my situation) prophesied---a month or so ago, that this was the season for me to move forward and take that step out, and that (financial and relocation) doors were going to be opening for me. Of course I wouldn't tell her this because she's cynical about personal prophecies---especially when they involve me moving...

So, I have decided on the exact day that I want to move and everything. It's almost set in stone. My fear, though, is that I will shrink back once again when she tries to convince me that it's not the will of God. It has been this way for years, and I fear that I'm never going to have a life until she's gone. And then, I won't know what to do because I have so little life skills that I probably wouldn't know how to survive on my own. I even worry about my brother (more than myself) because he's very odd---he's not good at communicating or being sociable at all!---plus he has a serious heart condition... I'm not the average 30 year old male; there is A LOT I don't know. And my mother is not your average "religious zealot," she is VERY serious about her faith. I believe she is genuine and sincere, which is why I always end up shrinking back. So, how do you think I can avoid shrinking back this time? I love my mother and I don't want to disrespect or dishonor her, but I do want to learn how to function without her.

[wolfknight]

You really have a rough road ahead of you. Just sit her down remain clam and cool. Tell her you want to spread your wings and leave the nest. The fact she knows your gay she must know you will never marry a female. If worst comes to worst just pack and leave.

[markdohle]

Since you have gone through this before, I believe it is best to just tell her that you moving out and not talk about it.  She is already a master at manipulation (though she is in good will).  She will be upset, but once you have the proper will and set up the boundaries she will have no choice but to accept you choice.....well eventually.  You do have a hard road, but trying to convince your mother should not be part of that......you are after all 30.


Good luck.

peace
mark

[Rlyeh]

Live with your mother or go to hell. That's a new one.

[Super-Fly]

IM MOVING OUT.

Thanks,

[P4UL N0153]

Call her from your new place, let her know you're not coming home, ever.

[Professor T]

Any feelings of guilt or abandonment you feel about making this descision to leave your mother should be dismissed because they aren't yours and are basically what your mother is using to manipulate her will upon you. Your not going to like this, but she is a pupeteer, and you are her poor me puppet.. If you want to cut those strings and become empowered yourself  then you need to just follow your own path and leave and not give a damn about anything she has to say about it..

It seems that she has dis-empowered you thoughout your life. Your best way to gain self empowerment is to first get away from her and make it a goal to regain your true self, and not live your life under her thumb.. If that means confronting her then do it, but do not back down when she she tries to push her will upon you.. If you need to, then get angry.. But I do think the best way to confront her if she herself begins to manipulate you into changing your mind is to blow her mind by forgiving her for holding you back and preventing you from fulfulling you life.

This link might help with understanding how she can manipulate you.  
http://www.unexplain...pic=235749&st=0

Edited to add: Am not a Psycologist. this is just my own thoughts on best approach.. hope it helps.

Edited by Professor T, 22 October 2012 - 06:37 PM.

[Moogs9]

I agree with markdohle - I think you should just tell her you're moving out, don't ask her or try to talk about it with her.Think about it - you said she believes that a man must stay with his parents until he takes a wife, but since you're gay you wouldn't marry a woman. You also said that she believes God spoke with her and told her she needs to "keep an eye" on you and your soul for your protection from Hell. These two things alone will prevent you from ever leaving her house if you let her have her way. I'm sure your mom is a wonderful woman who just wants what's best for you, but you're 30 years old now. You're not a child anymore - you know what's best for you. You know what you need to do to be happy. She's not going to like that you're moving out to begin with, and I can't imagine your moving in with another man (who she doesn't like) will be any form of comfort for her. But you're an adult now, and you're free to do whatever you like. Don't let her beliefs hinder you. Right now, you seem to believe (firmly) that you need to leave. Stand by that. Stand by whatever your beliefs are. If you want to become an independent individual, the first step is to assert said independence to your mother.

[Imaginarynumber1]

Just go. Sounds like your mother is a manipulative person and has controlled you long enough.

[Voyager]

 Maestro, on 22 October 2012 - 05:34 PM, said:

Call her from your new place, let her know you're not coming home, ever.

Hahahaha. I had to laugh on this one. This is funny, and it might work for some, but not me. I feel that would be pretty disrespectful and inconsiderate. Although my mother's not perfect, and we may differ on some spiritual matters, I do believe that passage that says "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the earth which the Lord has given you."

[little_dreamer]

Claim your independence and free will.  Tell her there is nothing she can do or say to make you change your mind, and mean it when you say it.

[Orcseeker]

I agree with what has been said, this life you are living now is holding you back. You seem to have moved forward a lot since your plan on leaving, is that not a good sign? Go out there and live your life the way it was meant to be lived.

[Voyager]

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if when she finds out that I'm not backing down, that she decides to take a ride with me to my friends house and sits down and interviews him in front of me. That would be so embarrassing. He's already told me he's afraid of her, after she pulled him to the side that day and grilled him; he said she gave him her whole life story (condensed version of her testimony) and interrogated him to make sure he wasn't "fake." He said he stood his ground, LOL, but she expressed to me her disdain for him. Well, at least she hasn't said anything bad about the last guy she met--who I'll be living with also.

[P4UL N0153]

 Voyager, on 22 October 2012 - 09:55 PM, said:

Hahahaha. I had to laugh on this one. This is funny, and it might work for some, but not me. I feel that would be pretty disrespectful and inconsiderate. Although my mother's not perfect, and we may differ on some spiritual matters, I do believe that passage that says "Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the earth which the Lord has given you."

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Isaiah 54:4

[me-wonders]

Go to this site and copy it.  Then leave the printed copy where your mother is likely to find it.

http://timesupblog.b...essed-sons.html

Edited by me-wonders, 24 October 2012 - 12:02 AM.