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Republican Jesus™


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#1    ChloeB

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 07:04 PM

Funny and this is a pretty good summary and idea with the idea of Jesus I grew up around.

Who the hell is Republican Jesus™?

Republican Jesus™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with. First off, he is White. Not just white, but White. Republican Jesus™ has a special place in his heart for America. Specifically, White America. Do you doubt this? Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama? No, only those who follow Republican Jesus™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered. If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.
Republican Jesus™, by the way, is a big supporter of the Confederacy. Why he let them lose the War of Northern Aggression is a mystery. But all “real” Americans know that the South will rise again and Republican Jesus™ will lead the way back to glory. Or something like that.  How the Northern and Mid-western Red states fit into this Southern revival is also a mystery.
Republican Jesus™ loves guns. Loves them! Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares! Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now. Or the ATF, whichever shows up first. Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.
Remember, conservatives, to complain about anti-bullying programs being government overreach afterwards!
Republican Jesus™ loves the rich. Ignore that whole “camel through the eye of a needle” garbage. Republican Jesus™ wants you to be prosperous! It’s called “prosperity theology” and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor. God rewards the faithful with material wealth. Very spiritual stuff. If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.
But Republican Jesus™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!
Republican Jesus™ hates the poor. This is the flip side of “prosperity theology”. If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get. This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by “those” I mean those) people don’t worship Republican Jesus™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!

Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina actually said that. And he meant it.

Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination.  Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.
Also, Republican Jesus™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality. Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well-known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups. So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking. Maybe Republican Jesus™ likes him some girl on girl action?
Republican Jesus™ hates Muslims. Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people. That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus’™ name. Those people are martyrs and heroes. Or they were crazy lone wolves having nothing to do with Republican Jesus™. It depends on which channel you’re interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.
Republican Jesus™ totally hates Liberals. Liberals are the pawns of Satan George Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!). Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus™ and must not be tolerated.
Finally, Republican Jesus™ hates science. With a passion bordering on obsession.  And that’s the topic of my next ivory tower snobby liberal thesis:  “Why DO conservatives hate science so much?”  Or “How I learned not to learn and trust my beer gut instead.”


Read more: http://www.addicting.../#ixzz2WPJa0Uk9



This is a pretty good summary and idea with the idea of Jesus I grew up around.



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Sing like there's nobody listening,
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#2    Beckys_Mom

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 09:02 PM

View PostChloeB, on 16 June 2013 - 07:04 PM, said:

Funny and this is a pretty good summary and idea with the idea of Jesus I grew up around.

Who the hell is Republican Jesus™?

Republican Jesus™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with. First off, he is White. Not just white, but White. Republican Jesus™ has a special place in his heart for America.

Sounds familiar ..I have heard it a few times... Even in that movie - Malcom X. The priest says to Malcom Jesus is white  son..  I grew up thinking he was a white guy too.

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   Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama? No, only those who follow Republican Jesus™ would even think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered. If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.   

I laugh at the denial claiming racism has nothing to do with it.....  The thoughts of anyone praying for someone death? Is unsettling... If they pray and pray and get no answer, then obviously it is not something God or Jesus approves of...  Any moron can see that

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   Republican Jesus™ loves guns. Loves them! Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares! Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now. Or the ATF, whichever shows up first. Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.

Yup Jesus is always packing  lol

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But Republican Jesus™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!

Aye, that would be more like the WBC...

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  This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by “those” I meanthose) people don’t worship Republican Jesus™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!

Sounds hateful, well it does to anyone will a moral bone in their body... There was me thinking Jesus said - Give all to the poor?  In the non cherry picking bible I think it does...

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Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination   

Again I think of the WBC....And a good few other Christians ....The part about selfish being an abomination,  ha ha  I wonder how many cherry pickers notice it?

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  Also, Republican Jesus™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality.

WBC again  lol ..........And get this, the WBC do not stop there, they say - God hates the Christians too, lies are being preached at the pulpits in the Christian churches all over the world, all of them teach lies, and all are going to hell...  I read this on a WBC web page...  I nearly took a fit laughing at them.. Everyone is doomed but us...Man they are morons...

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   Republican Jesus™ totally hates Liberals

I too can get ticked off by over the top liberals...and I am never on the Jesus bus lol......

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   Finally, Republican Jesus™ hates science. With a passion bordering on obsession.   

Ha ha YES...I have read a few posts  ( not saying who or where I read it ) from a couple of fundie Christians who hate the idea of science being taught ... They removed their kids from the schools and now have them home-schooled...  This is to shield them form being educated and using their free mind...  If they don't understand science, they sure as heck do not want their kids to learn, in case it may turn their kids away...Ohh heavens to Betsy  NOOOOO.. !!!  

One I read  posted up - "I am a fan of science but I don't like it taught in our schools.".   I cracked up laughing because, I could see he was not a fan of science, he misspelled the word science in the process :P

The thing about the bible and why so many come off as brain dead morons full of crazy hate, is because they can interpret the bible in their own way..  Many Christians do in fact do this, (maybe not the moronic and crazy, with a few screws loose kind of Christians )  but they come up with their own interpretations.. Hence why so many split into so many branches of Christianity.

I think it was said that Jesus only wanted one church?  If this is true, and Jesus said - If you love me and wish to follow me, just build only one church. If Jesus were to see the state of Christianity, he would think - "They all hate me" !!!.....Then he would go on to a reality show called - I'm a messiah, get me outta here !! :P

Edited by Beckys_Mom, 16 June 2013 - 09:06 PM.

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#3    DeWitz

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 10:09 PM

If any adherents of the Republican Jesus ™ ever find their way into Heaven, they will meet Jesus for the very first time. They'll need diapers and Valium, and mucho gratitude that their Middle Eastern-Jewish-dark-complected champion of women, widows, orphans, thieves, whores and tax collectors didn't send their sorry a$%es straight to "H-E-Double Hockey Sticks." Amen.

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#4    eight bits

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 10:25 PM

Back in the 60's, Jesus was a Democrat. He touted Civil Rights, and opposed the war in Viet-Nam. I think he did some serious weed, too.

But hey, we all grow up. Can't be a hippie weirdoh all your life. Word is, he got a job (advertising, I think). He took one look at how much taxes were withheld from his pay check, and he became a Republican on the spot. He also thanked himself that he didn't have to pay union dues on top of that.

As to one of the lesser issues, Of course, he's white -  he's half Irish. On his father's side.

Edited by eight bits, 16 June 2013 - 10:27 PM.

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#5    Michelle

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Posted 16 June 2013 - 11:27 PM

I'd give that more than two or three likes, eight bits! :w00t:


#6    Zaphod222

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:03 AM

View PostChloeB, on 16 June 2013 - 07:04 PM, said:

This is a pretty good summary and idea with the idea of Jesus I grew up around.



It sounds kind of ridiculous. Now, do you have a summary for the Democrat Jesus too?
Because from where I sit, the most ridiculous and dangerous ideas originate from the other political party in the US:

So that one has got to be one interesting character. Maybe the one that is represented by Obamas pastor Jeremiah Wright?

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#7    Paranoid Android

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:15 AM

I know this was intended as humour, but I'm going to be a little pedantic and address two or three specific comments:

Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy. - Is the author of this article truly blaming Republican Christians for school shootings based on poor parenting skills?

Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all.  It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination. - The Bible doesn't actually say eating shellfish is an abomination.  It says that shellfish are "unclean".  The term "abomination" in the Old Testament is a highly religious term, used often to describe idolatrous practices.  When the Bible says that a man who lies with another man is an abomination (Leviticus 18:22), it's commenting on homosexual acts done within the context of idol worship (homosexual sex was a common act of worship to many of the deities surrounding the nation of Israel).  So while I do get the gist of what the author is saying, it is theologically incorrect to label eating shellfish an "abomination".

Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well-known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups. - This may have something to do with the fact that women have no penis to penetrate.  Male homosexuals (another well-known subset of homosexuality) have the highest rate of STD's, including AIDS, among all adult population groups.  I'm not using this argument to say it's wrong, simply pointing out a biological fact.

Other than that, all I can say is that I've never met a Christian who adheres to the teachings of Republican Jesus™.  Must be an American thing.

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#8    spartan max2

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:27 AM

View PostChloeB, on 16 June 2013 - 07:04 PM, said:

If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.
Republican Jesus™,


I stopped reading after this sentence. If you actually believe this then you need to wake up, or i could say growup. :tu:

Edited by spartan max2, 17 June 2013 - 12:28 AM.

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#9    Zaphod222

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:55 AM

View Postspartan max2, on 17 June 2013 - 12:27 AM, said:

I stopped reading after this sentence. If you actually believe this then you need to wake up, or i could say growup. :tu:

Oh yes, I didn´t notice that. That is indeed beyond pathetic.
"Unprecedented hatred of Obama?" Unprecedented compared to what?? Like the unprecedented hatred of GW Bush, that continues till today?
Ridiculous claim.

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#10    DeWitz

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 12:58 AM

Elements of the "Republican Jesus" live not only in the US of A, but also in any country experiencing a resurgence of Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox (see Serbia) or other Christian traditions employed for the denigration of 'The Other' (anti-Semitism and anti-immigrant sentiment on the rise in Hungary, Sweden, Denmark, Finland and elsewhere) or the outright butchery of 'The Other" (recent intra-Christian wars in the Falkland Islands; Northern Ireland; Croatia; Macedonia). Europe is smoldering with neo-conservative Christian resentment towards 'Creeping Islam' of the demographic as well as militant type.  

I don't consider the RJ ™ as either a literal or a comprehensive model--that's why I began with the word "Elements" above. It is a metaphor for an agenda-izing psuedo-majority (the "first" Nixon couched it in the term "Silent Majority") who have hijacked Jesus for their own atavistic purposes. And if one thinks the "Democratic Jesus" of the '60's is a foil in this tournament of metaphors, well, "DJ" was at least more scripturally accurate. I never heard of the J-Man tokin' on a J, but he did imbibe wine, and took massive flak from the Pharisees for it. He loved to wave the sign of peace, too.

And if you live anywhere where there is electricity and/or access to newspapers, and say you've never heard tell of this metaphorical RJ ™, thank goodness for UM--even though this is no mystery.

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#11    DeWitz

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:04 AM

View PostZaphod222, on 17 June 2013 - 12:55 AM, said:

Oh yes, I didn´t notice that. That is indeed beyond pathetic.
"Unprecedented hatred of Obama?" Unprecedented compared to what?? Like the unprecedented hatred of GW Bush, that continues till today?
Ridiculous claim.

A claim isn't prima facie ridiculous unless it can be refuted. Obama may or may not be the most reviled president in history, but whoever made that statement might be able to substantiate the claim. Dismissing a claim out of hand gets no one nowhere. And what does W. have to do with this?

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#12    Beckys_Mom

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:09 AM

View Postspartan max2, on 17 June 2013 - 12:27 AM, said:

I stopped reading after this sentence. If you actually believe this then you need to wake up, or i could say growup. :tu:

Chloe did not write any of the OP.. Further more, how many people in this day and age will openly admit to being racist? There was a time when racism was big,and people didn't have to watch what they said, but now, with political correctness and watch your wording towards others, people getting accused of hate crimes etc etc, racism rarely raises it's ugly head to openly admit it.

People are at a point in this day and age fear to speak about what is truly on their minds..It's not like the 40's or 50's any more.. That does not mean people all of a sudden stop with it...I have heard some in my own town use it, the old - Slip of the tongue...I have read about some outspoken racists that will not give a flying toss who thinks they are racist...
So in regards to the president, I find it extremely hard to believe that out of Millions and millions of people living there, none of them would hold racists views...

I also came accross this article...Top racists remarks about Obama - http://www.bet.com/n...ers-terry-jones

10 Horrifying Racist Attacks on Obama - http://www.alternet....ttacks_on_obama

On the other hand, I could bury my head in the sand and pretend we do not have any racists living amongst us...But to do that, I would have to ask you to move over and let me join you...Be a lamb and pass a shovel.?..Cheers

Edited by Beckys_Mom, 17 June 2013 - 01:12 AM.

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#13    Paranoid Android

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:14 AM

View Postszentgyorgy, on 17 June 2013 - 12:58 AM, said:

And if you live anywhere where there is electricity and/or access to newspapers, and say you've never heard tell of this metaphorical RJ ™, thank goodness for UM--even though this is no mystery.
Just to be clear, I didn't say I had never heard of this, I said I've never met a person who believes in any of that.

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#14    Knight Of Shadows

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:21 AM

a bold and great topic .. just hit the nail
i find it refreshing for once to read something that reallly really worth reading
obviously am not christian nor american but i can see your point clearly

i totally agree and i see unreasonable leaning toward republican party of things
always blaming obama in tiny stupid things and always digging up things that don't exist to pin blame
however most shockingly obama never done anything against usa interests
i wonder if same people will blame george bush for nearly destroying usa financaly and politically

great topic

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#15    Zaphod222

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 01:54 AM

View Postszentgyorgy, on 17 June 2013 - 01:04 AM, said:

And what does W. have to do with this?

Just a point of reference.

The OP claimed that the "hatred" of O. is without precedent.
Looking in from the outside, I say that the hatred of GWB that I have seen is practically impossible to surpass. So there goes the "unprecedented".

(Btw, I am not fond of either US political party, nor am I a USer, so I have no personal bone in this.)

Edited by Zaphod222, 17 June 2013 - 01:55 AM.

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