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Terminal uniqueness


markdohle

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Terminal uniqueness is a deadly plant to water

(a little about family)

There is always a price to be paid in this world of ours. Even our smallest choices can have long range consequences that are unforeseen. We are all gardeners I guess, planning seeds that take root and grow. Sometimes the price is well worth it, at other times it is a trade off and then there are those events in our lives that seem to have only chaotic value.

I love being part of a large family, yet just like being an only child, there are aspects of that experience that still affect me. The good side of being part of a large family is the fact that it is a classroom in itself. Each brother and sister is different, so they have to be adapted to and understood. Then there is the learning to defend oneself, to speak up and to also work along with them to make the house an actual home. In the chaos of such a large household I learned to love order. In a place where there was no privacy, I learned to seek out places where I could be alone. I learned to share with the family. For instance the older Dohle boys, well Robert and I for sure, were babysitters and later we had a paper route. The money had to be given to mom for the family which was ok with me; we shared everything. In between the fighting and bickering, there was also a lot of love and giving.

Perhaps because of being part of such a large family I also have a tendency to isolate, to allow myself to get exhausted when around others to the point where I feel dead inside, so I need to solitude. However, isolation is not solitude and when I do withdraw in an unhealthy way; it is a dead, sterile and very painful experience. This is an ongoing aspect of who I am, and as I age it is still with me, though I believe not as bad as it could be if I did not belong to a community. We all need others to call us out, just some need it more than other; I believe being one of those people……though I am sure we are many.

Introvert and extrovert are labels, but they have some truth to them. One way of looking at it is how one gets their energy, how they replenish themselves. I need time alone to do that, and then I can go out and be with people, something I love to do. I more or less was forced (a good thing) to become more outgoing in dealing with my brothers and sisters…..I am grateful for that.

I tend to be way too introspective and I guess I write to get it out of my system and in sending; well it seems to help as well. Perhaps we are all called to share that way, each uniquely of course. Being in community pulls me out of my inner world which has a stronger pull than my exterior activities.

If being introspective does not lead to self-awareness it leads nowhere, at least from my experience. There is an expression in the 12th step program called ‘Terminal Uniqueness’ which is based on the false conclusions that my inner experiences or outer troubles are somehow so unique that I am special and apart from others…..when in fact the opposite is true. While unique, true, it is also our common experience that allows us to reach out to others not only for help, but to also help and lift up.

There is nothing special about my humanity, knowing that helps me to connect with others and hopefully to understand them a bit. I have learned one thing over my 65 years of living on this planet…..each person no matter how they look on the outside, carry something heavy within, often not shared with others but carried alone. The ‘no one will understand’ mantra that is often said on a deep unconscious level can create a great many problems. For it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The less I express myself, yeah; others will not understand me very well. The bridge understanding others (well at least a little) is to learn from ones own. This bridge is called empathy, compassion and yes in the end love.

Introspection by itself will only draw the bridge up leading to isolation. If it leads to self-awareness then there will be many bridges that will connect to others and to a larger experience of community and friendship.

Edited by markdohle
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These are productive words for us all as we grapple with issues that seem so individual, but are, in actuality, very common. Plato's quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." We are never alone in struggle, although lack of communication and/or kindness can make life feel that way. Thank you for your words, Mark.

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These are productive words for us all as we grapple with issues that seem so individual, but are, in actuality, very common. Plato's quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." We are never alone in struggle, although lack of communication and/or kindness can make life feel that way. Thank you for your words, Mark.

Thanks for your kind words my friend. Many people suffer unnecessarily I believe because we often don't 'see' one another, like you said, a common struggle.

peace

mark

Edited by markdohle
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This is so very true. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's really enlightening. We are all fighting our own battles on a lonely road. I think empathy can go a long way. I make it a habit not to judge others because I do not know what they are going through.

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This is so very true. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's really enlightening. We are all fighting our own battles on a lonely road. I think empathy can go a long way. I make it a habit not to judge others because I do not know what they are going through.

Wise words my friend.

Peace

mark

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These are productive words for us all as we grapple with issues that seem so individual, but are, in actuality, very common. Plato's quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." We are never alone in struggle, although lack of communication and/or kindness can make life feel that way. Thank you for your words, Mark.

Everytime I start to judge a person I stop myself.. and when I dislike someone I don't know, I remind myself of that quote. It is definitely something to live by and you'll be a good person to those around.. Ever since an encounter with a sweet lady asking about my scars, I realized that a smile can brighten someone's day. So I smile and I chat with every person I can get the chance to. You don't really know how lonely they are, and it makes you feel good inside.

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These are productive words for us all as we grapple with issues that seem so individual, but are, in actuality, very common. Plato's quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." We are never alone in struggle, although lack of communication and/or kindness can make life feel that way. Thank you for your words, Mark.

That is my favorite quote. And the words I live by

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