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How to give a cat a pIll

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#1    Guest__*

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Posted 11 October 2002 - 02:39 PM

My freind sent my this by emile though you may like it.

> How to Give a Cat a Pill
> 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
> a
> baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
> and
> gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
> opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
> arm
> and repeat process.
> 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
> 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
> tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
> with
> right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
> 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
> spouse from yard.
> 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
> rear
> paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
> with
> one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
> rub
> cat's throat vigorously.
> 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
> note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
> figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
> 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
> visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
> open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
> 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to
> take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
> carpet with cold water and soap.
> 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
> beer.
> Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
> Force
> mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
> 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
> to
> cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
> compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt
> away
> and fetch >new one from bedroom.
> 12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
> the
> road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
> avoid
> cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
> 13. Tie the dang thing's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind
> tightly
> to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
> Push
> pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold
> head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill
> down.
> 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
> room,
> sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
> remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
> table.
> 15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call
> local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
> How to Give a Dog a Pill
> 1. Wrap it in bacon.

#2    Magikman


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 03:57 PM

:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

Very funny!!!!

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#3    Halo_Jones


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 04:27 PM

:s2 Soooo True! Naughty Kitties! :s08

#4    Bizarro


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 05:13 PM

hehe, my cat never leaves the house and once i had to take him to the vet.  i decided to carry him out to the car in a pillowcase so that he might be less apprehensive about the trip.  someone recommended this technique on one of those pet channels on TV and i thought it would help things out.  

the first step outside he pissed all through the pillowcase.  the next step he defiled himself in an even worse manner.  about 10 steps toward the car he began violently moving- kind of like the tasmanian devil in cartoons.  then a paw pops out through the side of the pillowcase, then another, until all four and his head were out.  

then i managed to squeeze the pillowcase enough to create a sort of carrying case with just his head and paws sticking out.  meanwhile, he is moaning and growling so loudly that the people in my apartment building start looking out their windows.  i just knew someone was going to report me for animal cruelty, but i think they understood what was really going on :)

when i got him to the car, he had to be restrained on the floor and managed to destroy a small portion of the floorboard with his claws and teeth.  occasionally, he would turn back into the tasmanian devil cat and i suffered extensive wounds while driving- my wife was restraining him on the passenger side at this time.  the cat managed to claw himself up the material of the dashboard and make what i would describe as 'flying matrix-like moves' in which he scratched me to pieces as i tried to stay on the road.  i had to pull over and take the cat from her because she was unable to physically restrain a 7lb cat.  she drove the rest of the way.

do you know how humiliating it is to walk into a vet's office with a smelly, sputtum and feces covered animal that was previously a beautiful and well-groomed member of the family?  the vet was even shocked at my cat's behavior.  he suggested my cat had anxiety problems- they make people go to college to learn this stuff?  the trip home was much the same, and i will never take him to the vet again without locking him into a steel vault first.  

if there was a meteor,
adrift amongst space,
set about on a collision course
not with Earth, but my face...
i wonder if id even know,
at what time i might,
be passed off like an old style
and by the meteor be smite?

- me, 1997

#5    Mentalcase


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 07:35 PM

hahaha  :s2

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#6    Kira


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 09:51 PM

:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 Oh sooo true

We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.

#7    HD


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Posted 11 October 2002 - 09:59 PM

:s2That's soooo true and I have the scars to prove it.

"You have to learn to love yourself after all you are the only
person you are guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life.."

#8    albaqwerty



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Posted 12 October 2002 - 09:39 AM

:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

Agrees wholeheartedly!!

I put pill in cat's food. (You know he ate all the food
and left the pill) Crushed pill up and mixed in with cat's food = one hungry cat!!

Don't you just love these cute little fluffballs! :s9

growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional

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