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Flash in the pan
There is a book entitled “Old age is not for sissies”. I remember seeing it when I was young and found the title amusing and the pictures and stories inside informative. Though still being in my early thirties, it did not really make much of an impact on me. For I thought I had an almost infinite amount of time before I became old.
When young I lifted weights, did power yoga, seeking to put forth an image of strength that fooled me at the time, though if I fooled anyone else, I have my doubts. Of course when young these personas are needed, though in time they tend to wear themselves down, or at least they did for me, for eventually they got in the way. If not put aside, they have a tendency to become compulsive and life draining, in the ever more desperate need to keep them in place. Though I doubt anyone is ever deceived by them for very long. I suppose we can all become sources of amusement to others by our human eccentricities. Friends tell me I have my share, glad that I can make their days easier by their finding me funny in many ways.
Now that I guess I am in what can be called ‘early old age’, the book and its contents come back to me from time to time. For instance I am at the stage of life when doctors will say things like “for a man your age, there is no need to worry”. Something always reserved for others in the not so distant past. My body is changing by slow degrees, though due to the rapidity of time, it seems much faster; a flash in the pan. So now when I go to the doctor for my yearly checkup, there is always something or another that shows up that must be dealt with. My liver is getting weird on me, also my blood sugar, though easily taken care of, blood pressure and I am sure the list will get longer as I age. No, I am not growing old gracefully, though if truth be told, I am writing this with a smile. I really don’t mind it all.
I am stiff when I wake up, and don’t sleep as much as I used to, though it is not so bad. I warm up once I get going and the sleep (?); well I really love the early morning walks, for I am truly a lover of the night. So in actual fact, I have never been happier than I am now. Perhaps it is because I am being forced to face just how temporary I am and yes how fragile. For one by one my fiends are succumbing, if not to death, then to one sort of serious illness or another. So seeing how fragile I am slowly becoming, or yet, perhaps always have been even when I was young and just did not know it (thank God), is making me love life even more and to find deeper joy in it. I know it seems a bit strange, but I don’t seem to be afraid of death, or at least the thought of it. Just another bump in the road, though perhaps a very large one, the big one, the kahuna of all bumps, of which no one can escape. So when the time of my death becomes nearer, I am sure that there will be moments of fear, perhaps a great man of them, for the instinct to live is strong to the end.
So the last 42 years sense high school has gone by like a summer break. I wonder what the next 40 will be like. Oh wait…..I might not have that long, not sure I want to. So I am learning to embrace what is before me, to savor now, for worries tend to obstruct that ability to love what I have, and wait for the next moment and then the next. In any case I hope I live way into my 80’s, but if not, well the way I look at it, life is a gift, don’t cling, enjoy, grow, learn and slowly allow the heart to expand. For loss is also a part of life and love keeps the soul alive.
No, my life is not a bed of roses, not sure I would like that; all of those thorns, ouch! No it is just life, some days are good, others bad, some exciting and others can be soooo boring, yet I love them all. Knowing about ‘rapidity’, the speed in which we ride the torrents of life, can really lead one to treasure yes even the boring times. All that is needed is to drop labels, and see the moment for what it is, its texture and what it presents us to contemplate.
I am not eternal, though thinking about my death still leaves me incredulous. How could the world go on without me? Well it will have to learn, hopefully before my time to enter deeper into the mystery comes up. We all have a number, we just don’ know when it will be punched.
One day a friend asked me this question. “If you could have one simple wish, a very mundane one that would make life easier, what would it be”? Well after thinking long and hard for about three seconds, I blurted out this deep answer: “I would wish that french-fries were good for me”! I had to laugh at myself over this, for fries are one of the foods I wish I did not love so much. Along with bologna and bacon of course….though I don’t eat much of any of the above now days, well really if ever.
So I am just an average guy trying to adjust to the question: “when did that happen?” Well it does happen, for getting old is an important part of the journey, perhaps the most important part for those lucky enough to brave its rigors, ups and downs and the opportunity to grow deeper into the heart of things. We have to give up one little thing after another, then once in awhile something big, yet it can be done with grace and faith, and yes the heart seems able to expand forever, it can become a habit, this expanding. For the grace of the moment is ever there waiting for our response, knowing this, that we do have degrees of freedom and that freedom can grow at least interiorly, can lead to a deep and enduring appreciation of the different stages of life. No it is not easy, few things in life that are worthwhile are, yet it is a challenge isn’t it?
Some think that it is depressing to think about endings, getting older, fragility, but I think it is the opposite. The saying “the truth will set you free” is based on simply what is. If temporality is regulated to the unconscious it will manifest in other ways that are not conducive to a happy life. We don’t waste what is scarce; in fact we see the sacredness of what is limited. Just think of water during a serious drought. So to understand how little time we all actually have, no matter what our age, will only deepen appreciation for what is truly important on our journey, or pilgrimage, which I believe that is what our lives are about. It is not about just passing through, but how we spend our time, the values we cultivate, how we love and give and how we also accept our limitations and failures in stride. Self knowledge leads to compassion and empathy for others, for we all struggle, and the better we want to be the greater that struggle can be.
This post has been edited by markdohle: 05 November 2009 - 03:21 PM
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