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The Bad Advice Game


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#1411    EllJay

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 10:32 PM

Pee in your shoes.




I bought this new hat, but I have a hard time understanding the instruction manual.
I dont want to look like an a$$-hat so maybe you can help me out?


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"Opinions are like a**holes - everyone seems to have one" - Dirty Harry

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand... "

"I have a black belt in Feng Shui, the subtle martial art. I go home to you and move a lamp and a chair... twelve years later you lay there on the floor with broken kneecaps and destitute."

#1412    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 10:37 PM

It clearly says "sombrero nueve" so you only have to wear it on your head for the first time. Later you can wear it any way you like, but once you crap in it, they suggest you don't step in it too, which is kind of obvious.

What would be good substitute for coffee?

Edited by Helen of Annoy, 22 September 2012 - 10:41 PM.

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Have I ever lost the plot while reading one of your posts?
The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb

#1413    EllJay

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 10:49 PM

Paint-thinner with some chocolate.




I'm thinking of buying a new DVD, but I wonder about this Religion-Free. Does that mean it comes with Satan instead?
Do I have to buy an exorcist as well?

Posted Image

"Opinions are like a**holes - everyone seems to have one" - Dirty Harry

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand... "

"I have a black belt in Feng Shui, the subtle martial art. I go home to you and move a lamp and a chair... twelve years later you lay there on the floor with broken kneecaps and destitute."

#1414    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 23 September 2012 - 08:43 AM

Don’t be silly. If there’s no god, there’s no devil either.
So it doesn’t come with Satan, it comes with sort of still alive Chinese girl, they use them instead of styrofoam flakes or bubble wraps when they pack electronics anyway. Because they are cheaper and recyclable. Completely recyclable, mind you!

Speaking of bubble wraps and religion, is there some particularly religion-friendly way to reuse bubble wrap?

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Have I ever lost the plot while reading one of your posts?
The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb

#1415    Blurfoot

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Posted 24 September 2012 - 03:48 PM

Yes. Bubble wrapping can be used to line a baptismal font, to cushion the fall if a baby is dropped by a drunken priest.
Large polystyrene blocks are ideal for kneeling on during prayer or holy communion, or resting your head during sunday services.



How can I steal my neighbor's electricity?


#1416    EllJay

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Posted 24 September 2012 - 04:03 PM

Put a bucket under one of his wall socket and let the electricity slowly seep out of it.
It should take an hour or two before your bucket is full, then you have a full bucket of electricity to use at your pleasure.



My cat has taken some martial art classes and now he is totally obnoxious and challenge me everyday to a fight.
How can I handle him?

Posted Image

"Opinions are like a**holes - everyone seems to have one" - Dirty Harry

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand... "

"I have a black belt in Feng Shui, the subtle martial art. I go home to you and move a lamp and a chair... twelve years later you lay there on the floor with broken kneecaps and destitute."

#1417    Shiloh17

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 08:29 AM

Just sprinkle catnip all around you before the fight, he'll be so distracted you will win every time.

The birds eat the seeds out of the birdfeeder so fast, I can't keep it filled up. What should I do?


#1418    Blurfoot

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 10:48 AM

Shoot the birds! As a pacifist, I wouldn't normally advocate violence, but it's all for the best.
A blast on the beak from a Super Soaker should make the greedy little peckers think twice.


As you probably know, I have been stalking Kate Winslet for a few years. Is there a sure-fire way to gain her affection?


#1419    ouija ouija

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 05:02 PM

Good grief, man! Why are you wasting your time on stalking? Just march straight up to the woman and say, " Hey! Kate baby, you and me ....... how about it?". And for goodness' sake, after all this time don't take 'no' for an answer ....... if all else fails and she's still dithering, just sling her over your shoulder and stride manfully back to your lair.


I'm in love with the postman :blush: ! How can I let him know how I feel? The only contact we have is when I hide behind the front door curtain, waiting for him to push letters through the door, then I quickly grab them and with a bit of luck our fingertips brush together :blush: :blush:

'What she prayed for was nothing. She prayed that God would look on them and see the beauty of their existence .................... and leave them alone.'  from 'Bel Canto' by Ann Patchett


#1420    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 05:26 PM

You have to be faster. Definitely. Fast enough to catch the letter and instantly push it back out. He’ll pick it up and try to push it back in, you push back out, until you manage to grab his fingers. He will scream a little at that point, but don’t you worry, that’s natural. Now you can open the door, still holding his fingers with one hand in the letter opening, grab him by the belt with your other hand, now let his fingers go, not a second sooner and not a second later, and pull him inside the house. Slam the door. Lock them.
Take the key out and say: “Now you know how I feel about you.”
Now hand the key to him. It’s up to him – he can use it to unlock the door and you’ll never see him again, or, with a bit of luck, clever soft light and some pleasant but not strong scent in the air, he might swallow the key or at least toss it on the floor along with his huge bag.


How will we comfort ouija after her postman changes route, profession, hair style, name and continent?

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Have I ever lost the plot while reading one of your posts?
The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb

#1421    ouija ouija

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 05:52 PM

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'What she prayed for was nothing. She prayed that God would look on them and see the beauty of their existence .................... and leave them alone.'  from 'Bel Canto' by Ann Patchett


#1422    Blurfoot

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Posted 26 September 2012 - 06:35 PM

View PostHelen of Annoy, on 26 September 2012 - 05:26 PM, said:

How will we comfort ouija after her postman changes route, profession, hair style, name and continent?

Register her on the uniformdating website, to find a more agreeable postman.




I would like a 'marriage of convenience'. How do I find someone convenient enough?


#1423    Shiloh17

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 02:40 AM

Get a job at the Post Office, with luck someone will pull you through the door. They watch you deliver, you know that?


I need to improve fuel economy on my car. Any tried and true formulas out there?


#1424    ouija ouija

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Posted 27 September 2012 - 02:03 PM

Let's see now ........... I haven't actually tried this myself, but several friends and relatives have and they say it works a treat. Decide exactly how much you want to pay on fuel per week and put exactly that amount in your tank. Carry on with your life as normal. When the fuel runs out before the end of the week, which it inevitably will, put your feet through the hole in the floor that you made earlier, and simply start running! A refinement to this is a hole on the passenger side too. People who've tried this say they love the fact that it also cuts down on gym fees, PLUS, there's none of that awful build-up to dragging yourself down to the gym when you'd really rather be slouched in front of the telly ........ you're just suddenly, without warning, catapulted into a full body workout! Brilliant!!


I'd love to do jogging as my exercise routine but after just a couple of steps I knock myself out with my size 48j chest. How can I get around this problem?

'What she prayed for was nothing. She prayed that God would look on them and see the beauty of their existence .................... and leave them alone.'  from 'Bel Canto' by Ann Patchett


#1425    Shiloh17

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 06:24 AM

Just wear a football helmet with a faceshield. So you don't look conspicuous, always wear a football jersey too.


I just stubbed my toe, and now my 2 year old daughter is running around saying all these cuss words. My wife will be home in an hour,
help me out here quick!





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