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The Bad Advice Game


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#1426    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 06:05 PM

Tell your wife your daughter is probably possessed by a demon. Not only she swears, but you also saw her spin her head for 180 degrees, vomit and walk on all four. You told no lies there, you see. It’s very important never to lie to your wife because we can smell fear, lie, discounts, fake leather and few other things before we enter the room.

I'm looking for a creative way to tell when to stop boiling eggs. I want them soft boiled.

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#1427    ouija ouija

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 06:47 PM

I'm not sure that's a suitable question for a Family Forum :blush: . Maybe you could just have slightly cooler bathwater and not stay in it for too long.


What's a gentler way to be woken up than with an alarm clock?

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#1428    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 07:14 PM

Having someone hold a mirror in front of your face and whisper: “No, not yet, she’s only sleeping.” repetitively, until you open your eyes and... see your eyes. In mirror foggy with your own breath. What? It would be bad if it was not foggy. But then you wouldn't open your eyes and that's the whole point of that experiment.

Anyway, what would be socially acceptable reaction to such wake-up?

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#1429    Realm

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Posted 01 October 2012 - 08:31 AM

Hmmm, well, If that were me there would be no "socially acceptable" reaction. My reaction would be rude, crude and socially unaceptable.

But anyway...

How can I convince my little girl that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny aren't real? They aren't are they?


#1430    acute

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Posted 01 October 2012 - 12:51 PM

No, they're not real. The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus are fictional characters, invented purely to frighten children. Like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or Michael Jackson.



Is it ok for a man to send another man flowers for his birthday?


#1431    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 03:49 PM

Absolutely! Don’t forget a nice, heart-shaped card or even better, plush toy. Nothing speaks “friendship” like hot pink plush teddy with fire-engine red heart on his tummy does. Real ice-breaker for lengthy talk about your emotions.

I can’t afford new tyres, and those I have are completely bald. Suggestions?

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#1432    acute

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 06:23 PM

Tie some roadkill around your tyres to give you more grip. Anything with antlers or spikey bits, but no hedgehogs!


How can I rejuvenate past-the-use-by-date food?


#1433    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 08:39 PM

Aha, no hedgehogs... I wonder why. Anyway... Write new, fresher date over the old, unappetizing one.

Should I use the same technique to rejuvenate myself?

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#1434    acute

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 09:14 PM

Why not?
Take some tipp-ex to your birth certificate, and you will knock 10 or 20 years off your age!
Like magic.


I'm thinking of inviting 5000 people to my birthday party via an open invitation on facebook.
How can I keep the noise of the guests down to a minimum?


#1435    ouija ouija

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Posted 02 October 2012 - 10:21 PM

Shoot all your neighbours so they won't complain about the noise. Do this immediately before your 'guests' begin to arrive ...... the police will never be able to pin the blame on you after 5,000 people have spent hours dancing all over the evidence.


I want to perform a DIY exorcism. Anybody have experience of this and can give advice?

Life is all too much ............................................. and not enough.

It is only when you form your question precisely and accurately that you receive the true answer.

#1436    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 03 October 2012 - 05:41 PM

:D
Step into my office. I need to know few details, like what do you wish to exorcize out of whom, where do you want it relocated, what would you like to extort from cornered demon/demons, do you plan the subject to survive the procedure, how showy do you want it...
Generally, just be stern and arrogantly amused, you can bless the tap water yourself, large crucifixes are fine but personally, I prefer daggers. Do it at night, special effects lose half of their impact in day light.

Speaking of exorcisms and holy water, a co-worker of mine accidentally drove a demon out of himself by taking a sip of water from my bottle. Should I put the demon back, since he’s all lost and jerky all alone in his body? Or should I put him on e-bay?

Edit: put demon on e-bay, it's illegal to sell people... it is illegal still, right?

Edited by Helen of Annoy, 03 October 2012 - 05:43 PM.

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#1437    acute

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 04:32 PM

Demons have to be bottled, corked, and labelled.
Selling loose demons is impractical, and against ebay's T&Cs.



What is the best way to find a hoard of roman coins?


#1438    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 05:25 PM

Museums keep them, and private collectors too. Duh.
If you happen to accidentally find them while looking for something else in a museum or collector’s house, it will count as a finding, not – god forfend - stealing.

I’m rewriting my last will, how many separate versions, dated on the same day, should I make to ensure the legal battle after I’m dead will last approximately forever? Or I should not do that?

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#1439    acute

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 06:22 PM

You should write as many wills as it takes! all written on the same date, and witnessed by the same homeless person. Remember to include family, friends, neighbours, charities, etc, and only keep photocopies, never originals.



What is the best way to deter unwanted visitors at the front door?


#1440    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 04 October 2012 - 06:57 PM

A turd on your doormat, or a condom on the door handle.
Or if you have few years to spend leisurely, on government expense, simply connect your door handle to the nearest electric socket. Use insulated wire if you’re an alcoholic or naturally clumsy person.

I’m looking for a new and amusing way to mark my keys so I can find right one, even in the dark, if possible.

Edited by Helen of Annoy, 04 October 2012 - 06:58 PM.

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The 5 millionth post was Junior Chubb's fault :D
Donnie Darko did nothing, but I had to mention him too.




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