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The Bad Advice Game


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#1531    Ealdwita

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Posted 23 April 2013 - 01:47 PM

Have your nose pierced.

I've got to go to a posh 'nosh-up' on Saturday (Shiney shoes, silly bow-tie and dingly medals). How can I get out of going?

"Gæð a wyrd swa hio scel, ac gecnáwan þín gefá!": "Fate goes ever as she shall, but know thine enemy!".
I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind; I can trick you into learning with a laugh; Oh, winnow all my folly and you'll find, A grain or two of truth among the chaff!
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#1532    Child of Bast

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Posted 23 April 2013 - 01:49 PM

Dress as a woman instead. :D


How can I get out of work to go to a political event?

No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. ~ Aristotle

#1533    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 23 April 2013 - 02:11 PM

If it's a democrat event then just quit your job, go on welfare and attend the event.
If you're republican explain to your boss that Rush Limbaugh came to you in a dream last night and told you the world will explode if you don't attend this event. I am sure your boss will completely understand.

The rocker panels on my van are rusting out pretty badly, what should I do to fix it myself?

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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#1534    Child of Bast

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  • The Mad Hatter: "Have I gone mad?"
    Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers.But I'll tell you a secret: all the best people are."

Posted 24 April 2013 - 12:51 PM

Install umbrellas over each of them so they don't get wet anymore!


I've run out of gum! How can I get to the store during work hours to get more?

No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. ~ Aristotle

#1535    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 26 April 2013 - 05:12 PM

You don't, you just steal the pack from your co-workers drawer.

I need a nap but I'm at work. What should I do?

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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#1536    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 03:49 PM

Draw eyes on your eyelids. Since it’s very similar to applying makeup, feel free to use ladies’ room. Make sure to get the right colour so no one suspects these are not your actual eyes.

I was swearing a lot lately so I was wondering is there a way to lessen the probability of getting struck by lightning?

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#1537    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 02:45 AM

You could stop wearing your tinfoil hat to lessen the probability, but then that would enable the government to use mind control on you. In that case you will need a full frontal lobotomy. No mind = no control. Win, win for you!

My optometrist told me last year that I will probably need to start using bifocals this year. How can I avoid that?

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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#1538    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 07:00 PM

I won’t mention obvious radical solutions, so what you need is reading assistant. It’s totally the same as guide dog, except reading dog should be a person because dogs tend to oversimplify pronunciation.

How many times can I recheck if I turned the gas off before it’s considered mental disorder?

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The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb

#1539    ouija ouija

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 09:16 PM

*quickly checks gas* *and I haven't even got gas connected here*  I'm not sure why you would think that checking gas repeatedly could possibly be described as a mental disorder. *checks non-existent gas again* However, as you do worry about it my advice to you would be to adopt two or three other mental disorders so that the 'checking gas' thing is masked. For instance, each time you feel the need to check the gas *does so*, you could announce loudly that you were just going to 'check the back door'(which I'm assuming is close to your kitchen and therefore your cooker), and then you can check them both at the same time. 'Checking the back door' is more acceptable, because doesn't every householder want to keep burglars out?

I have a passion for putting homemade curtains or covers on just about everything in my home: TV, PC, wardrobes, kitchen cupboards, ironing board ..... you name it, it's got a brightly patterned cover on it or curtains around it. My question is(and this only occurred to me when I was answering Helen's question), at what point would this be thought of as a mental disorder? What could I be making a cover for that would make you think 'Oh my goodness! Ouija's really lost the plot!' and most importantly, how do I stop myself from doing this?

What, in all the world, could I do to earn my living and still live as myself, as I knew myself to be? Temporary masks, I knew, had their place; everyone was wearing them, they were the human rage; but not masks cemented in place until the wearer could not breathe and was eventually suffocated.

#1540    Child of Bast

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Posted 29 April 2013 - 09:21 PM

Your curtain obsession is only a mental disorder when you start doing it at other people's houses and demand that they also go along with your horrid taste in cloth patterns and curtain styles. But in any case, I would definitely demand payment, not only for your labour but also for the cost of the material, no matter what kind you use.


I really wish this electrical storm would knock out power here at work. How can I bring this about without injury to myself?

No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. ~ Aristotle

#1541    Miss Shadows

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Posted 30 April 2013 - 06:14 AM

View PostKasey2601, on 29 April 2013 - 09:21 PM, said:

Your curtain obsession is only a mental disorder when you start doing it at other people's houses and demand that they also go along with your horrid taste in cloth patterns and curtain styles. But in any case, I would definitely demand payment, not only for your labour but also for the cost of the material, no matter what kind you use.


I really wish this electrical storm would knock out power here at work. How can I bring this about without injury to myself?

Get a bulldozer and plow it straight into that pole. Of course, only after you've strapped pillows to yourself, and donned a hardhat.

I decided to come up with a new goal for myself every week. This week I want to start drinking in the mornings. How do I do so, without society frowning upon my newfound ambitions?


#1542    Child of Bast

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    Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers.But I'll tell you a secret: all the best people are."

Posted 30 April 2013 - 01:22 PM

Tell everyone it's not really alcohol, it's a new liquid diet you're trying out and said liquid only resembles alcohol, and then only slightly. If that fails, remind them it's always five o'clock somewhere and you just need to have a private jet to get you to that somewhere.


I would really rather be home today than at work. How can I get there?

No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. ~ Aristotle

#1543    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 30 April 2013 - 06:49 PM

Through your secret tunnel, of course. If you don’t have one, start digging. Since it’s secret, no one will know you went home. And if you don’t keep it secret, you’ll still get home, only in an ambulance. You’ll make a short stop at psychiatry, but soon they’ll let you home with handful of pills. Sick leave, yay!

I could use some sick leave on grounds of mental illness, so what should I do to make people notice I’m insane? The competition is tough these days, you know.

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Have I ever lost the plot while reading one of your posts?
The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb

#1544    Child of Bast

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  • The Mad Hatter: "Have I gone mad?"
    Alice: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers.But I'll tell you a secret: all the best people are."

Posted 30 April 2013 - 07:27 PM

Step 1: Throw out your entire wardrobe out and replace it with clothing which is either pink or yellow or a combination of the two.
Step 2: Announce you are running for President of the United States and simultaneously announce that you will be ditching the traditional Cabinet with open shelving as it's way more modern.
Step 3: Precisely 24 hours after announcing that you're running for President, ask for volunteers to walk in your place. Entice them by promising to make them the head of the new Nationwide Fashion Police.
Step 4: Demand a Hello Kitty inspired scooter to drive around on and if anyone tries to naysay you, threaten to clothes line all scooter drivers and motorcyclists until you get a fleet of Hello Kitty inspired scooters.
Step 5: Buy a pair of horses - one black, one white - and pretend the black one is Pegasus while the white one is a unicorn.

That should handle it. If not, direct the authorities to me. ;)

How can I play in the rain without getting wet?

No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. ~ Aristotle

#1545    Helen of Annoy

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Posted 30 April 2013 - 07:41 PM

Vote for me and I promise to blow you so hard the raindrops will dry so fast you won’t have time to notice you were wet.

Horses are expensive. What could I use instead?



Edit: blow at you.

Edited by Helen of Annoy, 30 April 2013 - 07:42 PM.

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Have I ever lost the plot while reading one of your posts?
The will to live maybe, but not the plot...  -  Junior Chubb




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