1544 replies to this topic

[grendals_bane]

my_psychosis, on 22 April 2012 - 12:57 PM, said:

Yes. Sleep and daylight are overrated anyway

How do I get my 14 yr old daughter to do the dishes once in awhile?

You don't need too, instead smash all the dishes you own and replace them with paper ones. This way no one has to do any washing up, it also saves on water too....although it maybe contributes to the loss of trees in the rainforest but then it's not like trees have done much for anyone lately.

Should I live out my dreams and become a hermit?

[orangepeaceful79]

Go even one better and live out your days as a hermit crab.  I am sure that there is someone majicky enough around here to transform you.  Ask one of the werewolves...I am sure they know how it works.  Then just find a giant shell to drag around. You'll be set.

How do I keep from being so very sleepy all the time?

[OverSword]

Stay in bed and keep a bottle of booze on your night stand in case you wake up.

Can anyone reccomend a good way to get my teeth more white?

Edited by OverSword, 23 April 2012 - 02:54 PM.

[Madeline]

OverSword, on 23 April 2012 - 02:54 PM, said:

Stay in bed and keep a bottle of booze on your night stand in case you wake up.

Can anyone reccomend a good way to get my teeth more white?

A guy on TV used bleach, but you could use Ajax Cleaner like a guy I knew.

[Madeline]

Madeline, on 23 April 2012 - 09:54 PM, said:

A guy on TV used bleach, but you could use Ajax Cleaner like a guy I knew.

Uh Oh...
How can I make my hair curly?

[JayMark]

Madeline, on 24 April 2012 - 07:46 PM, said:

Uh Oh...
How can I make my hair curly?

Cut your scalp off and replace it with a black person's.

Now how can find the dimension where socks usually travel while in the dryer?

[arenee]

JayMark, on 25 April 2012 - 06:58 PM, said:

Cut your scalp off and replace it with a black person's.

Now how can find the dimension where socks usually travel while in the dryer?

Buy two giant sock costumes.  Dress yourself as one and go to the laundromat.  That's where the big dryers are.  Insert the costume and yourself dressed in the costume.  Have a friend turn on the dryer for you.  If you are not fortunate enough to be the missing sock, purchase another costume until you are lucky enough to be the one who doesn't come back.

What can I do to the bad kids in my classroom so that I don't get in trouble?

[JayMark]

arenee, on 25 April 2012 - 07:17 PM, said:

Buy two giant sock costumes.  Dress yourself as one and go to the laundromat.  That's where the big dryers are.  Insert the costume and yourself dressed in the costume.  Have a friend turn on the dryer for you.  If you are not fortunate enough to be the missing sock, purchase another costume until you are lucky enough to be the one who doesn't come back.

What can I do to the bad kids in my classroom so that I don't get in trouble?

Add a few drops of pure LSD in their drinks at lunch time. 500 ug should be enough.

Now how could I built a house that could stand on metallic liquid hydrogen on the surface of Jupiter? I'd like to move there soon.

[arenee]

JayMark, on 25 April 2012 - 09:55 PM, said:

Add a few drops of pure LSD in their drinks at lunch time. 500 ug should be enough.

Now how could I built a house that could stand on metallic liquid hydrogen on the surface of Jupiter? I'd like to move there soon.

I don't think you should build a house at all.  I think that because the weather is so nice and the air is so fresh you should purchase the entire planet and walk around naked.  Just be free. Breathe all that freshness in deep.

How can I get the aliens to abduct me?  I wanna know what all the fuss is about.

[JayMark]

arenee, on 25 April 2012 - 10:01 PM, said:

I don't think you should build a house at all.  I think that because the weather is so nice and the air is so fresh you should purchase the entire planet and walk around naked.  Just be free. Breathe all that freshness in deep.

How can I get the aliens to abduct me?  I wanna know what all the fuss is about.

Well, you could just plug a probe in a body hole of your choise, get naked in your yard and point a flashlight at the part that hangs out to make it shine. I've heard those little bastrds love it.

How could I make my lungs able to breathe pure elemental fluoride without oxidizing to death?

[Princess Tumbleweed]

Just start chain smoking by a open fire you made in your garage while the car was running, forget about the other thing.

How can I reach out and slap someone if I don't know where they are?

[HeartsAreForBreaking]

Princess Tumbleweed, on 26 April 2012 - 02:38 AM, said:

Just start chain smoking by a open fire you made in your garage while the car was running, forget about the other thing.

How can I reach out and slap someone if I don't know where they are?

Quit your job, sell your house, and travel the world on a life fulfilling journey in search of that slap-able person. Go to universities and give lectures on the rewards of slapping others, and when the person they actually invited to come lecture shows up, and security is chasing after you, run back to your car and drive it like you stole it, and continue your endless quest for the satisfaction of your hand in some idiot's face. Someday strange men with pots of beans and marlboro reds will sit around the fire and tell stories of your courageous defiance against a world where slapping someone usually gets your head knocked. Good luck.

I've probably heard it a literal 10 time in the past 2 weeks, and today a friend's mom and a teacher told me at separate points that I'm too skinny. What do I do?

[OverSword]

Have unprotected sex (preferably with a friend, but a stranger will do in a pinch), pregnancy is a great way to quickly put on some extra pounds.

I called in sick to work yesterday only to find that my cooworkers thought I was faking it, how do I convince them otherwise?

[arenee]

Get some anthrax and put it in an envelope.  Send it to all those coworkers who are calling you a faker.  When they get sick, tell them that you're sorry they all must've gotten sick from you because those are the exact sympotms you were experiencing.  When they never come back to work, you'll feel satisified that at least you were able to return and you'll get to meet new people with all the new hires.  These people won't think you're faking next time you call in sick

How can I learn to speak another language without putting in too much time and effort? I'd like to cuss out my students today.

[ouija ouija]

This is too easy! Invent your own language      This has the advantages of a)no one pulling you up on incorrect use of a word, and b)no one will be able to look up the definition of the words you use and reprimand you for using them on your students.


Recently I caught sight of myself reflected in a shop window and was shocked to see that I resembled a 70 year old bag lady! Eek!! What can I do to improve matters?