18 replies to this topic

[Arpee]

This person is actually my best friend, someone really really close to me. We don't even call each other best friends because we feel like we have a even deeper bond. We are really comfortable with each other and he tells me everything, really personal information. I told him that I came out the closet and told people I was gay and he said that he was proud of me and that deep down inside he was hoping that if he was gay I would be also. He did have girlfriends before but it's interesting that his most current one (now ex) was saying that he is always talking about me and stuff...




He said that he loves me and he only needs me. He even wants to move in with me. He also tells me things that he thinks about that doesn't sound so straight so yeah, I think he is attracted to me...

I feel so close to him, a really, really strong bond but he is confusing because he is still saying that he wants a girlfriend but then he says that he just needs to get laid but he doesn't care about anyone but me. This situation is confusing.

I'm wondering what do you think about this? What can you pick up about this situation?

[Ryu]

Because your friend still holds onto a girlfriend tells me that he is unsure of his own orientations and perhaps his feelings.
That fact that he said he was "hoping" he might be gay should say something.
However to use another just for sexual gratification whilst proclaiming devotion to another does seem a bit baffling so maybe it is best to simply slow down and watch the situation.

All I can really say is that it sounds like a case of confusion and uncertainty on his part so just don't push the issue and let things unfold on their own accord.

[Arpee]

He said that deep down he was hoping that I was gay and maybe us being together if I were. He also said that he doesn't want to get my hopes-up though so maybe he is confusing...

I will definitely be taking it slow and letting things unfold on their own, this is what I always do when I am unsure I just wish that I had a psychic take can pick up on more information to help me through this...

[jaguarsky]

This person is not your true friend nor does he want to be your lover, not in a loving way at least. It is my opinion that he is playing with you. He is not gay. I don't even think he is confused. He sounds to me like someone who manipulates other people for thier own agenda; or just for the fun of it. The fact that he says he needs a girlfriend just for sex should have been a great old big red flag for you.

I am happy for you that you found the strength to come out and live your life openly. It is a very difficult decision for many and I really hope you have other LGBT people to talk to, Sharing your feelings with others who have been where you are can be very helpful.

By the way, people who really love you don't need to tell you, they show you.

[Arpee]

Juguarsky, he has shown me that a lot. He helped me in my times of need when I felt embarrassed to ask for help and he stuck up for me when I was a coward.

I have to admit, I was being a pretty bad friend before but that was due to my ignorance. Even though in the past, I took other people side over his and even ditched him at times, he still always wanted to be around me take my side and stuff.

Edited by Arpee, 12 February 2012 - 12:48 AM.

[Neognosis]

Remember that Jaguarsky doesn't know this person at all and don't make any decisions based on the shot in the dark advice of someone who doesn't know what they are talking about.

Why don't you just mess around a little bit and see how it feels?

Two gay guys come out to each other, I'm a little confused as to why you aren't playing with each other at this point.

[Arpee]

Neognosis, It's so confusing. He wants to live with me and he says he only needs me and all but then he wants a girlfriend , but then he was hoping deep down inside that I was gay and he wants it to be just me and him. Then he said that he loves me but he doesn't want to get my hopes-up. I dunno this is confusing.

[Neognosis]

Well, go for it and see what happens.

[jaguarsky]

Neognosis, on 12 February 2012 - 12:55 AM, said:

Remember that Jaguarsky doesn't know this person at all and don't make any decisions based on the shot in the dark advice of someone who doesn't know what they are talking about.

Why don't you just mess around a little bit and see how it feels?

Two gay guys come out to each other, I'm a little confused as to why you aren't playing with each other at this point.

I am not taking a shot in the dark. None of us but the OP know this person and he was asking for advice. I gave him mine based on the information he provided. I will stand by what I said. A wise teacher once told me not to ask a question if I was not ready for the answer. I find that to be good advice.

[Arpee]

Yeah, I was asking for psychic advice. I don't think that he's using me though, based on the stuff that he did for me.

[Eleyanna]

I get the feeling that you will land up heart broken. I think he is hanging on to something else and not fully committing to you. You are ready for the next step though. I think even if you two do move in together he will be the one to leave in the end not you.

[Arpee]

Eleyanna, it was his idea to move in with me, and it is him who keep mentioning it. I'm not the type of person to force anyone to do anything.

[libstaK]

Arpee, on 13 February 2012 - 01:23 PM, said:

Eleyanna, it was his idea to move in with me, and it is him who keep mentioning it. I'm not the type of person to force anyone to do anything.

Where does he live now Arpee if you don't mind me asking - is he financially independent, a stable job, known for honouring his debts?  Do you have a tendency to share a great deal with him out of love?

Also, if it is what he wishes - and I assume, given your feelings it is what you want too, why hasn't it happened?  What is the niggling doubt I sense about the gap between words and action?

Finally, what are the things he has done for you?  Are they things he reminds you of such as "you know I will always be there for you, remember I was there for you when... and I did this (insert scenario) because I love you so why do you doubt me? type language ... is there more significance placed on what has been done than a casual observer would be able to infer?  Would a third party see it differently?  Do you secretly see it differently sometimes?  Is that why you are confused?

Sorry if they sound like loaded questions, well they are and its only fair they be properly explored by yourself personally (they may be way out of line and that's fine and good at least those boxes are ticked and settled-you deserve to feel completely clear about motivations in such an important situation), he does come off as saying alot of what he thinks you would like to hear but is not open and honest in committing to a position that solidly confirms what he has led you to believe - but that is based on what you have shared so far .... hmm.

Says he loves you but wants girlfriends - no matter which way you cut it those are the words of a "player".

Emotions are not complicated if they are communicated honestly.  Motivations however, tend to be complicated and confusing and that is the current sense I get from this. I am not psychic but I am not comfortable with what you have stated so far as evidence of an honest and open love at the very least.

I am happy to be wrong to even infer anything if I know that you KNOW I am wrong deep in your gut - love can't flourish where there is confusion or doubt, confusion and doubt does not dissappear just because you want it to - it actually has to not be there at all if you get my drift.

[Arpee]

We are both without jobs for now. No, he doesn't need my help all of the time. It is not just being together. It hasn't happened because we both don't have jobs, the person living with me now (family) is leaving in a few months so we can't move together YET even if we wanted to.

He has stood up for me many time, he has brought me food in times of need and even cleaned out his fridge to give to me in times of need. He also is always concerned about me if something "dangerous" is going on asking if I'm ok and stuff. He is very protective of me.

No, he doesn't ever say things like that. He doesn't even mention the times he helped me, but whenever something happens he's there.

Would a 3rd party see it different? There has been people saying "he's in love with you" and "why don't you just get married!?". They were joking of course but some actually say that chemistry is there and he always talk about me with them all the time, and no, I have never said the words "I love you" to him nor have I told anyone I love him, but he has said those words to me.

I don't see it differently, I'm just impatient. I sometimes have fears or doubts.

he has NEVER been known to cheat in ANY relationship, and if he has I would have known by now because he would have told me or his friends since he wouldn't care about us knowing IF that was the case and he was a player.

I guess I'm a little confused because he still sometimes bring up the idea of a "girlfriend" even though he says he only needs me, BUT, IF we were to be in a relationship I know he wouldn't cheat since he is not that type of person, and this is even more confusing...

So what do you think, with the extra information I've given you?

[libstaK]

Arpee, on 13 February 2012 - 02:37 PM, said:

We are both without jobs for now. No, he doesn't need my help all of the time. It is not just being together. It hasn't happened because we both don't have jobs, the person living with me now (family) is leaving in a few months so we can't move together YET even if we wanted to.

He has stood up for me many time, he has brought me food in times of need and even cleaned out his fridge to give to me in times of need. He also is always concerned about me if something "dangerous" is going on asking if I'm ok and stuff. He is very protective of me.

No, he doesn't ever say things like that. He doesn't even mention the times he helped me, but whenever something happens he's there.

Would a 3rd party see it different? There has been people saying "he's in love with you" and "why don't you just get married!?". They were joking of course but some actually say that chemistry is there and he always talk about me with them all the time, and no, I have never said the words "I love you" to him nor have I told anyone I love him, but he has said those words to me.

I don't see it differently, I'm just impatient. I sometimes have fears or doubts.

he has NEVER been known to cheat in ANY relationship, and if he has I would have known by now because he would have told me or his friends since he wouldn't care about us knowing IF that was the case and he was a player.

I guess I'm a little confused because he still sometimes bring up the idea of a "girlfriend" even though he says he only needs me, BUT, IF we were to be in a relationship I know he wouldn't cheat since he is not that type of person, and this is even more confusing...

So what do you think, with the extra information I've given you?

I think that was a cathartic process and yes it eases the situation for me.  He is more than your original post indicated and I think you are right he is a true friend.  Perhaps the issue to consider is whether "coming out" is something he is ready for psychologically or if he is ambivalent about whether he still has feelings for the opposite sex.  He doesn't seem settled as to what is more fulfilling, your closeness or that of the opposite sex.

OR perhaps he is using language that he equates with a "relationship" based on past experience and the role a "girlfriend" plays ie: the more typically feminine emotional aspects.  Are you clear that he means "girlfriend" as in female OR could he be wanting a relationship where YOU are his "girlfriend" as he understands the term ie: the other half of the partnership.  Is that entirely clear between you? Just a thought.

Outside of that you do have a bond and much in common, you have both needed and found a true friend it seems - that too may be a reason to hesitate, if things change will that someone who is always there for you (and him) suddenly dissappear should it not work out? That is more a fear that must be faced than anything else I think if it's there.

I am a hopeless romantic, I do believe that if two people come to the point of falling in love there is no turning back but perhaps that is a destination you have not arrived at yet, though you certainly seem to be dancing with it.  Enjoy the friendship and do what feels absolutely right and true to yourself each day, it's the best you can do and the best hope of the right outcome for you both.