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To the citizens of the USA


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#1    DingoLingo

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 05:32 AM

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


#2    Englishgent

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 06:21 AM

:w00t:


#3    Simbi Laveau

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 07:58 AM

Should I be irked,or laugh.I'm not sure.

Miss me?

#4    KNash

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:01 AM

Posted Image
:)

Posted Image


"We learn from failure, not from success!" - Bram Stoker (Dracula)


#5    acute

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 10:22 AM

Excellent idea.
It's about time we took back the colonies!

We can scrap Thanksgiving, and make them eat turkey at Christmas.





#6    Fluffybunny

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 11:42 AM

YEAHHHH!!! Let's bash another country for no apparent reason!

I hope it made you feel better.


As for me, it just made me shake my head to think that the people who lost the first go-round, and don't have any guns now think that they would be able to implement anything against an Americans' will. Good luck with that. My guess is that if you try, you'll be drinking coffee and driving SUV's before you know what hit you.

Tea time? Pffft.  :rolleyes:

Too many people on both sides of the spectrum have fallen into this mentality that a full one half of the country are the enemy for having different beliefs...in a country based on freedom of expression. It is this infighting that allows the focus to be taken away from "we the people" being able to watch, and have control over government corruption and ineptitude that is running rampant in our leadership.

People should be working towards fixing problems, not creating them.

#7    Clyde the Glyde

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:06 PM

You're right in the fact that we've been electing some incompetent presidents.

( Just keep in mind, we have many incompetent voters )


#8    Grey14

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 12:43 PM

This from a country that still has a Queen. And you talk about our political system have you ever watched your house of commons on cspan? Need I say more?

"The only thing Needed for the Truimph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

#9    DingoLingo

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 11:51 PM

Grins

This is the one thing I love about you americans.. You bite so well.. Seriously guys.. it was a joke.. America will become a great country.. when it can laugh at itself..

Us Aussies and our Pommie Brethren learned to laugh at our own country.. politicians and religious persuasions years ago.. We will take the micky out of anything.. You americans.. take everything so seriously.. Learn to sit back.. and relax..

Psst.. Fluffy.. look at how many rich people over your way.. are trying to buy titles etc.. to become certified nobility in europe.. You lot over there love the royals as much as we do.. your all closet monarchist's


#10    cormac mac airt

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 12:23 AM

View PostDingoLingo, on 10 April 2012 - 11:51 PM, said:

Grins

This is the one thing I love about you americans.. You bite so well.. Seriously guys.. it was a joke.. America will become a great country.. when it can laugh at itself..

Us Aussies and our Pommie Brethren learned to laugh at our own country.. politicians and religious persuasions years ago.. We will take the micky out of anything.. You americans.. take everything so seriously.. Learn to sit back.. and relax..

Psst.. Fluffy.. look at how many rich people over your way.. are trying to buy titles etc.. to become certified nobility in europe.. You lot over there love the royals as much as we do.. your all closet monarchist's

Some are. Most aren't. Many of us just feel sorry for a country that feels the need to pay for an entire family with no real power. That's one hell of an expensive tradition.

cormac

The city and citizens, which you yesterday described to us in fiction, we will now transfer to the world of reality. It shall be the ancient city of Athens, and we will suppose that the citizens whom you imagined, were our veritable ancestors, of whom the priest spoke; they will perfectly harmonise, and there will be no inconsistency in saying that the citizens of your republic are these ancient Athenians. --  Plato's Timaeus

#11    Englishgent

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 01:17 AM

View Postcormac mac airt, on 11 April 2012 - 12:23 AM, said:

Some are. Most aren't. Many of us just feel sorry for a country that feels the need to pay for an entire family with no real power. That's one hell of an expensive tradition.

cormac

Well I dont mind paying for a bit of history to be kept going. And not just 200 years of it lol.
Anyway, as the OP has said. It's just a bit of fun and should be taken in the light it was meant in :)
Have a nice day y'all :P


#12    Arbenol68

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 01:25 AM

View PostFluffybunny, on 10 April 2012 - 11:42 AM, said:

YEAHHHH!!! Let's bash another country for no apparent reason!

I hope it made you feel better.


As for me, it just made me shake my head to think that the people who lost the first go-round, and don't have any guns now think that they would be able to implement anything against an Americans' will. Good luck with that. My guess is that if you try, you'll be drinking coffee and driving SUV's before you know what hit you.

Tea time? Pffft.  :rolleyes:

I think someone just had a sense of humour malfunction. (Note the 'u' in humour)


#13    FLOMBIE

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 01:36 AM

They say British humour is not for Germans. Seems like it's not a US American's cup of tea either!


#14    orangepeaceful79

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 01:40 AM

View PostClyde the Glyde, on 10 April 2012 - 12:06 PM, said:

You're right in the fact that we've been electing some incompetent presidents.

( Just keep in mind, we have many incompetent voters )
True that - who was the last competent president we had?  Grover Cleveland?


#15    Doctor_Strangelove

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Posted 11 April 2012 - 01:59 AM

I like this. The whole "Any country that doesn't share our English culture is silly" was the backbone of the British Empire, after all.

"Isn't it weird when users quote themselves in their own signatures?"-Doctor_Strangelove




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