8 replies to this topic

[markdohle]

Betrayal

I was talking to a lady the other day.  She was talking about some struggles she was having with her relationship with her husband.  It was a typical problem, as common as green grass on a rainy day. Yet still painful, for each problem, no matter how common…. is still lived out one person, or couple, or family, at a time.  As she was talking I could see that forgiveness on her part was growing.  They were still in relationship, and now are living together as a married couple again, but there is still something she is holding back.  It is of course trust, something we can bestow on one another, but when broken, well, the effect can be devastating.  What she felt and experienced with that betrayal of trust is not yet understood by the husband and until that is seen by him and understood in all of its shock and pain, the relationship may not be able to move on.  To be able to trust can be very freeing, but the betrayal can cause deep wounds that will have an affect on ones whole life.  Trust is in the end a conscious choice, especially after one has experienced a failed relationship over trust issues.

Mercy and forgiveness is good to give because it can be freeing.  The one forgiven, or shown mercy to however, if the offense is not understood on some deep level, then it will only be one sided.  To receive mercy is a great shock to ones self image, hopefully a healthy one, leading to a reestablishment of trust and love.  I believe we are all capable of betrayal, and when that happens we often seek mercy, we desire it, and hopefully we can extend it to others as well.  Mercy does not always reestablish trust, it is a gift, something free, it can’t be demanded and when it is lost, painful as that can be, it may at times be wise not to extend it again, or to expect it if guilty of betrayal.

[Leave Britney alone!]

I try to never discuss with someone their relationship issues and if I ever do then I never would repeat any of it to third parties not involved (such as the rest of the internet). Ditto with other people's deaths who have led private lives.

When I am put in the position of discussing someone's relationship I always underscore the relationship as a single unit instead of two individuals and with the belief that if two people try hard enough to achieve effective communication that anything can be worked out.

Forgiveness should always be given one-sided though. It doesn't matter if the other person does not change, forgiveness cannot be contingent on anything other than a single person willing to release any negatively harbored feelings so they can move on.

Edited by Lookitisoneofthosepeople, 28 June 2012 - 12:51 PM.

[Device]

I always enjoy your writing markdohle. It's always relevant. Thanks.

[lizzieboo]

I enjoyed the wisdom and perception of the original post, and of the first reply. While at least one point differs from one to the other, both have validity and merit. The posts definitely caused me to think about how I approach forgiveness.

Thank you very much.

[QuiteContrary]

"Mercy does not always reestablish trust, it is a gift, something free, it can’t be demanded and when it is lost, painful as that can be, it may at times be wise not to extend it again, or to expect it if guilty of betrayal." Markdohle
my underscoring, QC

very true and a decision some refuse to allow others to make.

Edited by QuiteContrary, 28 June 2012 - 09:20 PM.

[Beany]

To forgive someone is good, because it allows us to move on and put the hurt behind us. However, it's been my experience that most of the time, but not all, those forgiven couldn't care less whether they've been forgiven or not, because so often they are jerks that run roughshod over other people. Forgiveness is a self-healing act. Maybe that's the reason for jerks, they're teachers. If we're lucky they help us find our wings so that we can fly away.

[markdohle]

Lookitisoneofthosepeople, on 28 June 2012 - 12:49 PM, said:

I try to never discuss with someone their relationship issues and if I ever do then I never would repeat any of it to third parties not involved (such as the rest of the internet). Ditto with other people's deaths who have led private lives.

When I am put in the position of discussing someone's relationship I always underscore the relationship as a single unit instead of two individuals and with the belief that if two people try hard enough to achieve effective communication that anything can be worked out.

Forgiveness should always be given one-sided though. It doesn't matter if the other person does not change, forgiveness cannot be contingent on anything other than a single person willing to release any negatively harbored feelings so they can move on.

One sided is good and effective for inner healing if it can be done, and it is.  To be discounted however can keep trust from ever entering again into a relationship that is trying to reconnect on both sides.  Which is what this lady wants, she simply wants to be seen, understood and her suffering taken into account.

Beany, on 29 June 2012 - 08:05 PM, said:

To forgive someone is good, because it allows us to move on and put the hurt behind us. However, it's been my experience that most of the time, but not all, those forgiven couldn't care less whether they've been forgiven or not, because so often they are jerks that run roughshod over other people. Forgiveness is a self-healing act. Maybe that's the reason for jerks, they're teachers. If we're lucky they help us find our wings so that we can fly away.

Some good points, thank you.

peace
mark

QuiteContrary, on 28 June 2012 - 09:19 PM, said:

"Mercy does not always reestablish trust, it is a gift, something free, it can’t be demanded and when it is lost, painful as that can be, it may at times be wise not to extend it again, or to expect it if guilty of betrayal." Markdohle
my underscoring, QC

very true and a decision some refuse to allow others to make.

Yeah, relationships can 'bite' big time.

peace
Mark

lizzieboo, on 28 June 2012 - 09:14 PM, said:

I enjoyed the wisdom and perception of the original post, and of the first reply. While at least one point differs from one to the other, both have validity and merit. The posts definitely caused me to think about how I approach forgiveness.

Thank you very much.

Made my day, thank you.

peace
mark

Device, on 28 June 2012 - 09:00 PM, said:

I always enjoy your writing markdohle. It's always relevant. Thanks.

Thank you my friend.

peace
mark

[digidigibam]

¡ think, one can only be betrayed if one allows so.

Edited by digidigibam, 01 July 2012 - 01:32 AM.

[Leave Britney alone!]

markdohle, on 30 June 2012 - 03:29 PM, said:

One sided is good and effective for inner healing if it can be done, and it is.  To be discounted however can keep trust from ever entering again into a relationship that is trying to reconnect on both sides.  Which is what this lady wants, she simply wants to be seen, understood and her suffering taken into account.



Some good points, thank you.

peace
mark



Yeah, relationships can 'bite' big time.

peace
Mark



Made my day, thank you.

peace
mark



Thank you my friend.

peace
mark

Sometimes the partner who is giving more but getting less should just lovingly give less with the goal of balancing the relationship.

Sometimes when we give too much of ourselves we do a disservice to our partners and friends who through their own weakness in the face of your giving they grow selfish and take all you offer, the brain in such a situation sees it as a neverending pool, no work needed on their part to maintain it, thus balance is destroyed.

In either case there is a difference of encouraging another to preserve a relationship by seeing they are two symbiotic parts of a greater unit and how they act affects the other part and on the other hand treating them as individuals who can easily just go find another without any introspection on what their true part is, which without discovery the same mistakes will be repeated. Or worse, stay in a marriage where they will continue to see each other as separate, where that is emphasized, over seeing each other as one (flesh).

Then they ask why they keep attacting jerks when it is their very behavior bringing out the jerk in others who would be regulated and moderated within a more balanced relationship.

Edited by Lookitisoneofthosepeople, 01 July 2012 - 11:07 AM.