115 replies to this topic

[Paracelse]

Lilly, on 30 July 2012 - 01:40 PM, said:

And you base this on what exactly?

I think he takes his dreams for a reality

tyrant lizard, on 30 July 2012 - 02:23 PM, said:

I believe anybody has the potential to cheat on their partner.

If a guy is in a bar, say, in another country, and the hottest woman he's ever seen starts coming on to him, and he has no chance of ever getting caught, there's every chance he'll cheat on his partner. Throw in the booze - which lowers inhabitions - and you have the recipe for disaster. But if he does cheat, I dont think it means he loves his wife any less.

And the wife will get a nice bunch of flowers to help stem his guilt, so everyone's a winner.

It's not only inhibitions that goes down with booze, if there was a god he prolly create booze to stop guys from cheating

[P4UL N0153]

A story:

A man and a woman meet and fall deeply in love. They get married. After a few years, they have a beautiful child, but the woman falls into a deep postpartum depression. She doesn't eat except for a few bites of food a day, that her husband lovingly prepares for her. He bathes her, clothes her, and raises the child (for all intents and purposes) by himself.

His wife is barely responsive to normal communication, and the idea of a physical relationship with her seems repulsive. She is so unresponsive to him, he feels he would be trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

This goes on for over six months. Eventually the man meets another woman through work. She becomes his confidant, and eventually they end up having sex. It happens once, and the man regrets it instantly. He tells this new woman he will not be seeing her anymore, and she understands. The relationship ends.

Eventually his wife starts to come back to herself, and after a year and a half since the birth of their child, ther marriage is fine.

Ten years later, the man finally confides in his wife as to his indescretion, and she instantly files for divorce, won't speak to him and files for sole custody of thier child.

This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened. People who cheat are not monsters. They are just people.

[Paracelse]

Maestro, on 31 July 2012 - 06:52 PM, said:

A story:

A man and a woman meet and fall deeply in love. They get married. After a few years, they have a beautiful child, but the woman falls into a deep postpartum depression. She doesn't eat except for a few bites of food a day, that her husband lovingly prepares for her. He bathes her, clothes her, and raises the child (for all intents and purposes) by himself.

His wife is barely responsive to normal communication, and the idea of a physical relationship with her seems repulsive. She is so unresponsive to him, he feels he would be trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

This goes on for over six months. Eventually the man meets another woman through work. She becomes his confidant, and eventually they end up having sex. It happens once, and the man regrets it instantly. He tells this new woman he will not be seeing her anymore, and she understands. The relationship ends.

Eventually his wife starts to come back to herself, and after a year and a half since the birth of their child, ther marriage is fine.

Ten years later, the man finally confides in his wife as to his indescretion, and she instantly files for divorce, won't speak to him and files for sole custody of thier child.

This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened. People who cheat are not monsters. They are just people.

This is a very particular case and methink this situation wasn't what the OP had in mind.

[Lilly]

Paracelse, on 31 July 2012 - 07:10 PM, said:

This is a very particular case and methink this situation wasn't what the OP had in mind.

I agree. I suspect the OP had something (in mind) more along the lines of this story:

Husband/Wife cheats on his/her Spouse at every opportunity. Spouse has forgiven Husband/Wife a multitude of times, attempted counseling. sincerely worked on improving the relationship etc...Husband/Wife still cheats. Spouse finally realizes Husband/Wife is going to cheat until the proverbial 'cows come home'. Spouse finally is unable to tolerate the situation any longer and files for divorce.

This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened. People who cheat are not monsters. They are just people who choose to abuse their spouses.

Edited by Lilly, 31 July 2012 - 08:12 PM.
clarification

[WoIverine]

Maestro, on 31 July 2012 - 06:52 PM, said:

A story:

A man and a woman meet and fall deeply in love. They get married. After a few years, they have a beautiful child, but the woman falls into a deep postpartum depression. She doesn't eat except for a few bites of food a day, that her husband lovingly prepares for her. He bathes her, clothes her, and raises the child (for all intents and purposes) by himself.

His wife is barely responsive to normal communication, and the idea of a physical relationship with her seems repulsive. She is so unresponsive to him, he feels he would be trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

This goes on for over six months. Eventually the man meets another woman through work. She becomes his confidant, and eventually they end up having sex. It happens once, and the man regrets it instantly. He tells this new woman he will not be seeing her anymore, and she understands. The relationship ends.

Eventually his wife starts to come back to herself, and after a year and a half since the birth of their child, ther marriage is fine.

Ten years later, the man finally confides in his wife as to his indescretion, and she instantly files for divorce, won't speak to him and files for sole custody of thier child.

This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened. People who cheat are not monsters. They are just people.

Did they try therapy? Medication? FFS, her hormones were all screwed up, it happens. That is what endocrinologists are for, they can get you back on track pretty quick. If the first doctor can't help, find another. The husband should've investigated all avenues before hopping in the sack with somebody else. You don't cheat on somebody because they have a medical problem, that's really f'ed up. Maybe they should've gotten divorced if he couldn't handle it? It is for better or for worse, there are no lines in that which say, oh, if you don't put out, it's ok to sleep with somebody else.

Edited by Spid3rCyd3, 31 July 2012 - 08:49 PM.

[Leave Britney alone!]

Not everyone knows how to get help. If they had examples of others helping and seeking help for themselves succesfully then you can hold them accountable for not trying.

Regardless what the OP had in mind, who seems to have a rigid and unrealisitic view of cheating, just as unhealthy as the opposite view he described of people actively looking to cheat, if you want to leave someone just over cheating you will end up alone.

Sometimes people who chronically cheat were given this cheater example to follow and do not know better. Some say it takes two to tango but it really takes a lot more beginning with a spouse who does not give what the other spouse needs that they go cheat.

Lack of communication between two spouses means two people are already involved before cheating has begun. Add in a cheater now we have three involved and for all those who gave examples to these two spouses of not communicating,  not seeking help with their issues, and even examples of cheating then we have plenty of people involved in one act of cheating.

Victims of betrayal who just call it quits also are at fault. Did they work on the relationship before or after? Many claim they did but in the end they blame the cheater and refuse to take any responsibility for their part.

The worst is that many of these victims of betrayal are damaged and therefore go off to give others bad advice of leaving after cheating so that others will end up miserable just like them. It is on some level just because they didn't know how to make their relationship work they want to see others fail too. How selfish.

Saying one spouse cheats over and over is the reason the relationship failed is also not accurate. If one partner was already cheating the relationship had failed way before that and cheating is just the symptom not the cause.

Of course there will be exceptions.

Edited by Lookitisoneofthosepeople, 01 August 2012 - 06:00 AM.

[Rlyeh]

Kazoo, on 30 July 2012 - 05:32 AM, said:

I don't mean to play devil's advocate but cheaters are people too.

Even the worst are still people.

Quote

I feel like most people in this thread are just dismissing them as weak and sick people. Its just not true. Cheater's are abundant and one flaw in a person does not make them "sick" or "weak".

If you can't control yourself or have to guts to break up with your current partner, you're weak.

[Rlyeh]

Maestro, on 31 July 2012 - 06:52 PM, said:

Ten years later, the man finally confides in his wife as to his indescretion, and she instantly files for divorce, won't speak to him and files for sole custody of thier child.

This is not a hypothetical. This actually happened. People who cheat are not monsters. They are just people.

In other words she did what he was too gutless to do.

[Leave Britney alone!]

Both cheaters and people who break up over cheating are weak. Both are in an unhealthy relationship. Both are surrounded by others with unhealthy attitudes of relationships.

If the cheated on believe their cheating partner is the sole reason for their relationship being unhealthy then it sounds like they had unrealistic expectations of leaving it up to the partner to make the relationship healthy or unhealthy instead of being an active participant on deciding the welfare of the relationship.

Many who leave cheaters also do it because others know, friends, family, coworkers, and the social shame compels many to break which goes back to the point cheating doesn't happen because of one person, not even two, but three or more. Leaving because of the social factor also includes cheating to begin with because of social factors.

If you had parents who didn't communicate then you do the same in your own marriage then get cheated on, really look at it, cheating happened because of a lack of communication.

Edited by Lookitisoneofthosepeople, 01 August 2012 - 06:24 AM.

[Kazoo]

Rlyeh, on 01 August 2012 - 06:07 AM, said:

Even the worst are still people.

If you can't control yourself or have to guts to break up with your current partner, you're weak.

You make the assumption cheating means you want to break up. It does not.

[Rlyeh]

Kazoo, on 01 August 2012 - 07:44 AM, said:

You make the assumption cheating means you want to break up. It does not.

You failed to notice the "or" in the sentence.

[Device]

It's probably already mentioned on this thread - I don't know - but I think the most basic reasons why someone might cheat are beause, 1] the person needs to feel as though they are being loved, and, 2] because they can't get enough sex. Addiction, if you will.

Very human frailties and drives. The search for this inner fulfilment can take a person on some very wild journeys - through success and failure - through pain and life.

[Kazoo]

Rlyeh, on 01 August 2012 - 07:51 AM, said:

You failed to notice the "or" in the sentence.

Yes I did.

  Anyway self control is a weakness. But it does not make a persons entire character "weak". You and me both have weaknesses. As people we do. Does that mean we are weak as a general statement? No.

[Almighty Krogan]

Because their cheeky little B-words?

[Rlyeh]

Kazoo, on 01 August 2012 - 07:55 AM, said:

Anyway self control is a weakness.

Self-control is a weakness?

Quote

But it does not make a persons entire character "weak". You and me both have weaknesses. As people we do. Does that mean we are weak as a general statement? No.

A person's worth is defined by their contribution and value to others, if lack of self-control destroys how even your loved ones value you, then not only are you weak you're worthless.
If you manage to keep your infidelity secret, then you're counterfeit.

Edited by Rlyeh, 01 August 2012 - 08:28 AM.