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Love Poem


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#1    DemosKratos

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 12:49 AM

It breaks my heart but I will never be able to show it to her. I poured my heart into it and was hoping I could get some feedback about it. The last part is ridiculously corny intentionally. Thanks guys.


Two eyes guided my head to the door
When into the room she appeared
My jaw collapsed to the floor
To where I sat, she neared

Between us a passion is shared
The essence of the written word
A single conversation, you had me snared
Is what I'm feeling so absurd?

I've walked down my path deaf, dumb and blind
Vaguely aware of the prison I'm in
You did so much to unshackle my mind
I can feel wings sprouting from within

I've crossed the Atlantic for the sixth time
Endless oaths I have swore
I've fought in war, covered in blood and grime
How have I never felt this before?

I shouldn't know you but I feel like I do
Your quality shines bright
Compassionate, intelligent and funny too
I'm surrounded by darkness, you are the light

I can't know how you feel or what you think
But I'd like to know
So would you like to get some cofee to drink?

Edited by DemosKratos, 12 December 2012 - 12:50 AM.

It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

#2    SpiritWriter

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 12:56 AM

Love does a crazy thing to a soul...

The letter kills but The Spirit gives life. 2 Corinthians 3:6

Non-ambiguity and non-contradiction are one sided and thus unsuited to express the incomprehensible. -Jung

#3    DemosKratos

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 12:58 AM

It does indeed.

It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

#4    Hasina

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 01:05 AM

Bloody brilliant~!

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~MEH~


#5    DemosKratos

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 01:09 AM

Thank you :D

It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

#6    Knight Of Shadows

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 01:33 AM

great job with the rhyme !

by the name of Allah the Gracious the Merciful
Say, "I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak From the evil of that which He created
And from the evil of darkness when it settles And from the evil of the blowers in knots
And from the evil of an envier when he envies"
truthful was Allah The Most High And Great


#7    DemosKratos

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 01:42 AM

Thanks! I am starting to write a lot more for the sake of writing instead of just for college assignments. I don't know why I have specifically taken an interest in poetry but I was nervous submitting this, I actually thought maybe it was too much rhyming. I read my schools literature magazine that features a lot of poems from other students and a lot of them don't rhyme at all... I'm going off on a tangent I guess, I'll just stop here and say I have no idea what I'm doing.

It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. - Carl Sagan

#8    SmilinJack

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 02:43 AM

View PostSpiritWriter, on 12 December 2012 - 12:56 AM, said:

Love does a crazy thing to a soul...

Sometimes not positive...

In any case that's a story for another time.

Enjoyed the poem. Glad to see someone experiencing such strong feelings.

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst."

#9    sarah_444

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 03:06 AM

Nicely done. You don't have to know much about poetry to write it.  It's in there, just let it out.
"A true poet does not bother to be poetical.  Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses". ~Jean Cocteau

:yes:


#10    Knight Of Shadows

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Posted 12 December 2012 - 11:34 AM

View PostDemosKratos, on 12 December 2012 - 01:42 AM, said:

Thanks! I am starting to write a lot more for the sake of writing instead of just for college assignments. I don't know why I have specifically taken an interest in poetry but I was nervous submitting this, I actually thought maybe it was too much rhyming. I read my schools literature magazine that features a lot of poems from other students and a lot of them don't rhyme at all... I'm going off on a tangent I guess, I'll just stop here and say I have no idea what I'm doing.
i never had interest in poems that doesn't rhyme
in my opinion it's the rhyme that gives it this nice tune when you read it
so don't look at what others are doing or done , do what you like :D

by the name of Allah the Gracious the Merciful
Say, "I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak From the evil of that which He created
And from the evil of darkness when it settles And from the evil of the blowers in knots
And from the evil of an envier when he envies"
truthful was Allah The Most High And Great


#11    Still Waters

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Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:46 PM

It's a good poem :)

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