Nothing first at all 11-26-2012 I am feeling low where I do know what I want to feel maybe God is real and maybe he is not I do not care anymore I do not care anymore. Let the folks believe in a idol like the false things of this world that can do nothing for them at least a god makes one want to do what right but I feel nothing at all. I am hoping to get on line Thursday to say good bye to some and hi to others but I do not care one way or another.
I was trying to show some the truth more perfectly and I stand up for my beliefs but it seemed to not matter now I guess I at my last straw I give up. I not mad at someone because some think I am crazy maybe I am because my written style some think so but it my written that kept me going. Now everybody does not understand me but they were not where I was and they do not know things that made me want to give up.
It seems like a simple thing but I am not strong enough everything that happen in my life is more than I want to think about maybe there a god that can free me from these thoughts. Written is all I have but my grammar is poor can I cannot seem to get listen to me because my internet and my TV are the only two things I had in life I lost them both hope to get the internet back Thursday.
My wiring needs to be replace but while I would spend my own money to get it replace the management will not let me replace it myself and the cable person wants to help but they the management do not want his help. A thing that could cost less than $100.00 is made me me lost all of my everything I even do not feel like putting God first I do not care if there anything more. Am I going to hurt myself NO while I will even take my medicates but I will not want to live thank you Roy.
I lost my faith who cares no one at all 11-27-2012 Today I got told they will fixed my cable wiring as soon as they get time but I have little faith in their words I want more than promise I want a date when. One would think some one word would good enough but I was not born yesterday I been lie to before and I sure I be lie to again. So without a date means nothing to me a date would mean more but even with a date they say sorry we will get to it later.
I been taking a lot showers these days to get my mind off of things I must live in my management said that was using to must water because there person below me told them she heard water running. If I wanted to make a bill that some other had to pay like management the gas would my choice. But I do not want all I want to do is give up my heat is off because has it to high for me that use more money than water while she mad because I complain to her when the music got to loud but I did not tell the management because she turn it down.
This same person has her son every night and his girlfriend they would get drinking and stay the night while I have never told management before I might. The least that I sign said I may have guess seven days a month and that goes for her two not every day because your too drunk to drive home. Me taking a few showers because I am upset they have one meter for every one about 200 persons or more. I guess I will not complain to management I just will to die like taking a horse to water you can not make the horse drink you can not give me desire to live because I just given up.
Life does not mean anything to me I feel like it a waste of time while I might live a long time because I have no control over it because I will not take my life. When I had the gun to my head I feel like I feel now but my family would not understand so I will live but all desire for life is gone. Life has no value to me at all while I wish my desire would change because I do not believe in anything.
I once call myself a self appointed apostle because I believe Jesus Christ call me to be an apostle I wrote what I believe God wanted me to hear. While I no longer believe in a Christ like a god like creature that I will change into it dose not matter anymore I lose everything that was me my mother is dead and my father is dead my sisters do not visit anymore I have to visit them or not see them at all life is not anything to me.
Whether they restore my cable that is not what that broken that just the small thing that out of place my desire to put god first is what I need. I could say if Christ would come down and visit me but every that would not work at this point in my life. Now one might think they to call a doctor while in Kentucky law anyone to put me under anything because I have desire to hurt myself and until I have desire to hurt another person even myself the states they can not.
Like a doctor oak they swear by to do no harm to others even if they believe different until they are not able to ask them selfs because the doctor does not know what best for every one. Some times a person wants to believe God for healing to get well or that does believe in doctors at all. We have right to our own bodies our family members my not even know what would want but family have to try some times and we should get mad at our family if they make a mistake.
So what will be will be but until I lose concise it is my power to make and my desire to not do anything now or later unless my mind is change by sound debate. I always open to anything that makes senses to me but I will make my own mind no one can push their desire on me I control my own body. In the past others have believe they known better than me but that will not be the case today I must want to live to change and just because said so do not make it so thank you Roy.
Here I sit having chest pain while take my medications as told to by my doctor 11-30-12-1-2012 Wind stream Phone company could get what they said they would they said will not hold it I need new wiring too. While the stressed is getting to me I do think I will be long now or I lose a part because the stressed in am living because my management company that I must deal with. At 8:30 am I am going to the phone company to make sure that I will get no bill.
The worker was friendly and he spend 4 hours trying to me internet and phone service because I do not desire any if it will not work like I was told. Because I get some sound from off and on a phone like that is no valve to me I do want that. While I was happy the way they deal with me trying to get what they promise but I do want that right now but I will give praise above the cable company.
Here I sat having pains in heart and water flowing from my eyes with my heft arm giving me sharp pains but I going to wait for the next day because I get my check Monday. But will go in and see the doctor after that because I do want to pay late charges. I will end now because it is Saturday night thank you I guess Roy.
Things are better even that I have TV and internet again 12-14-2012 Things would seem better but there not better because I seem to care about God anymore even that I believe in God it seems not to matter anymore. I seem not to care about life itself I do not want to see God as my focus in my life I do want to be here anymore I see the value in anything I have lost my love for life and I do not care anymore. I see a great high in Obama third term and fourth term because Obama will claim its UnConstitution to let him run a third term and then Obama will move to destroy our US Constitution so Obama will rule until our end.
History tells us this is possibility our county will go into we will be defected we might not change our name but we be slaves to China. We are already in dept to China but we do not owe China anything because China does play fair with there people with us they lie about the value of their dollar destroying our free market by lie about their value. Now you can call me crazy I do not care anymore my lose to feel God is anything thank you with love for nothing Roy.
I don't normally like to do this but I'll say it anyway because your situation seem very familiar.
I was once were you were for years (despite being quite young) and a little bit of darkness still remains so in terms of letting go, I can only speak for myself when I say that I looked at what I was doing, feeling and all that other stuff and thought "One day I'll wake up and I'll be old, I'll look back at the last forty-fifty years of my life and think 'I spent all that time sulking and not trying to live, to do something about it all" What scared me about such a thought was that I'll have spent so long sulking and being afraid or low or whatever that my life, for what little worth it has, has passed me by and I'd have taken nothing from it, I'l be old and possibly on my way out.
What you have to do is make something to live for, find something to give you a kick. It's hard I know, have you ever woke up in the morning and couldn't get up, like you didn't want to? That's the hardest part and you feel like s**t.
This will be blunt and is in now way trying to worsen the situation but you have no reason to live, at least not in a grander sense, but you can give yourself a reason to, make one in some way, try to go after something you've always wanted to do and don't give up on it, think to yourself, "I'll ******* do it"
My only advice is to try really hard to get on with it, no matter how hard it is. You'll fail sometimes, but for me, I tries to press on as much as I could and eventually I got a little better. Yes, 'it' - that feeling - returns every now and again, sometimes for days, maybe a week but I keep thinking that I have to keep going somehow. If you've anything that you value in life, whatever it is, something you enjoy, go to that and above all, let go.
But Roy, my friend, have you not thought the least bit that your God is trying to reach for you? Obviously you don't feel it, and if I was in your position I wouldn't have either. Are you baffled by the lack of knowledge? Why we, all have very little knowledge here, but we know all these things we call "complex". While knowledge is limited, the more we know the more we don't know. Don't you know the kingdom of God is within you? That God is within you? That you can be as equal as Jesus Christ? You must not think that God is a seperate entity from us, otherwise you would view at some things are confusing. King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.) Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?
You do not care for God anymore, and you see, the christians I see fight and fight on proving that God exists. Don't you want to join them? Or take a different path? What IS your path in life? As you say, a horse cannot drink water if it doesn't want to, just as you given up life, and I cannot do anything about it. I agree with you from the bottom of my heart and mind, but you just lack wisdom and knowledge, spirit and faith. What else do you have? I cannot tell you to go here or there, or do this and that like everyone else does. I'm simply telling you to live your life with awareness. This, you will have the most wisdom about yourself and God. I don't want you to slack there, not caring for anything, nor learn anything. What is life, if you learn nothing?
Live with your awareness, learn from your experiences, and always have the holy spirit with you, because it shall guide you from Satan's hands.
I am not here to simply try and prove something, or saying I'm correct, anyone can come here and prove this wrong. I respect everyone's beliefs, and I stand on my own as well. Correct me if you need to from my post.
Brother - you need to snap out of this depression and find your place again. Nobody can do this for you. You have to want it to be better. Take baby steps at first and then walk away from what is holding you down.
Hello Reality and all that is True
When Oxymoron was defined it was just for you
Posted 19 December 2012 - 10:50 AM
I think what you are experiencing is a normal part of the progress through faith. It is commonly called "the long dark night of the soul", a middle ground where we wallow and stagnate for a while. The luster seems to be missing from life and melancholy sets in.
Stay strong Roy, it will pass and you will pass through it with a deeper understanding of many things if you just hold your ground. It is a strange time when nothing much seems to change or progress physically, spiritually or mentally but all things do pass and this also will be a journey you have progressed through and passed at some point.
Also, don't underestimate the process of grief, you have only recently lost the last of your parents a year ago - this is a huge adjustment and we can believe we have overcome grief many times only to find the feelings of loss fresh and new again for us without warning many months or years down the track.
Remember, stand solid on your current ground, do not allow depression or grief to overwhelm you and cause you to fall into extreme actions, now is the time for a slower pace spiritually and a good way to get through is to provide yourself with a regular schedule for each day. Take up walking or make an effort for some rigorous physical activity - even spring cleaning every corner of your home one room or section a day will help, you need the endorphines exercise provides right now to lift your mood.
It may not be a time to say "have faith" but it is a time to say - stay strong, face the day and smell a rose or two, feel the sun on your face or share a laugh with a friend every chance you get.
Edited by libstaK, 19 December 2012 - 10:52 AM.
"I warn you, whoever you are, oh you who wish to probe the arcanes of nature, if you do not find within yourself that which you seek, neither shall you find it outside.
If you ignore the excellencies of your own house, how do you intend to find other excellencies?
In you is hidden the treasure of treasures, Oh man, know thyself and you shall know the Universe and the Gods."