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My cat triggered a repressed memory!


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#1    soulpowertothenthdegree

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 05:05 PM

My cat triggered a repressed memory!

I realize that the title to my thread may be a bit hard to swallow.  I will start out by saying it was difficult for to me to believe too.

I am going to lay it out for you in a concise picture without embellishment.

There is much more to this than I am going to put forth here.

She was a sweet little black cat I named after my favorite basketball player, MJ.

I got her from a friend while I was living with my girlfriend.  After a break-up from said girlfriend, I moved into another friend’s house and took MJ with me.

One day, about 2 weeks after moving into this guy’s house, I started becoming very despondent over my situation.

The relationship I had with my ex-girlfriend did not end well.  She was very abusive for the time we were together and was constantly trying to start fights with me.

Then the guy I moved in with turned out to be a degenerate that I was forced to deal with. He wasn’t trying to do anything with me, but he had some very strange habits.

It was grinding on me that I had to rely on someone else to survive.

I decided I had enough.  It was time to end it all.  My relationship with my own family was very strained for many years.

I went into my guest room and locked the door.  I laid down on the guest bed and cried my eyes out.  How could I end it?  What would be the surest way?  I had screwed up so many other things in my life, I didn’t want to screw this up too.

I was staring up at the ceiling, eyes drenched with tears so much I was basically blind at this point and my bed was getting soaked.

I felt this thump on my chest, it was my cat, MJ.  She looked at me and put her paws right on my heart.  Bam!  All of the sudden I had this incredible feeling overtake me.

It was a rush of energy I had never felt before at this point in my life.  I had this strange video playback in my head.  Everything went in fast reverse to the very day.

What day?  The day I became a victim of sex abuse at the hands of a family visitor from another city.  They were invited to stay at our house for a religious retreat weekend.

For over 14 years I had lived a life of self destruction filled with alcohol and drug abuse.  I never remembered in all this time the very first experience I had with this person.  I knew I had a relationship with him.  I just never remembered how it all started.

I had blocked that memory all this time and always blamed myself for how I felt about me up to this point.  No wonder I hated religion.  No wonder I hated my parents.  No wonder why I hated authority.  No wonder I was self destructive.

It took me exactly 2 minutes from the time I laid down in bed and started crying, until my cat saved my life.

I literally felt more alive and my outlook changed immediately.  I no longer wanted to end it all.  Instead I had a new focus, now I wanted to kill the s.o.b. that abused me.

Even so, that was an anger I could handle because at least now I knew who it should really be directed at and it wasn’t me.

I went through many months of therapy after this to deal with my anger.  Anger I had not just with him, although he is the only one I was eager to put in the ground with a slow agonizing painful death.  I had anger for my parents, for my synagogue congregation, for the police and my older sister.

You see they were all at fault for allowing this to take place in some way or another.  They were victims too, but they were not abused by this person.

My parents allowed a stranger to stay not just at our house but in my bedroom.  My sister insisted they put this person up in our house.  The congregation allowed this man to exist under their noses and the police employed him and looked the other way at obvious signs of behavior.

He was a Cantor (religious leader, 2nd to the Rabbi) in Nashville and a police officer for the Nashville police department.  I am not naïve enough to believe I was the first, so there had to be a pattern of behavior prior to me that was ignored.  Not just in Nashville, but Jacksonville, Fl., his hometown.

He decided to move to Memphis shortly after we met.  Seems he felt a special bond with me and wanted to be closer.  No kidding.

I was only 11 the first time and had no clue.  I always wanted a big brother and that is how I treated the relationship. I was flattered by the attention at first.  He let me drive his car and gave me money and let me get whatever I wanted to eat at the grocery store.

He had my parents blessing, they were happy I had someone that could give me such brotherly attention.  My father was never in town, he traveled for a living, when he was in town he didn’t have much time for me.

Besides they had a new child now, my little brother, and he got most of their attention.  Sure I had 2 sister’s, but they were in opposite directions, one older and the other younger.

So I was very happy to have someone give me so much “affection” and attention.

Anytime he wanted me to stay with him on the weekend, my parents were delighted.  I mean this guy was now a high ranking police officer in Memphis and had entrenched himself in our synagogue as a Cantor and a youth advisor.  I was in safe hands.  If they only knew how safe right?

Imagine being tutored for your Bar Mitzvah by the very man that abused you.  Not easy for me to enjoy that memory.  I could give many more details about this experience and I will probably revisit parts of this in the future.  Many of my behavior patterns from the time I was 11 to 28 were a result of this relationship.
It will never be something that goes away.  Anyone that has ever been abused understands this.  There are things about me that will never change because of this, but I did manage to undo some of the personal damage.

Unfortunately, relationships with my family have been damaged beyond repair and many things I went through cannot be undone.

My family has been in denial since I brought it to their attention.  They are unable to deal with their own guilt.  To make things worse on that front, I was even blamed for causing my father to have a heart attack shortly after informing everyone what had happened to me.

I just wanted them to know there was a reason for my past behavior, I didn’t place blame on them.  By the time I had this revelation the person that abused me had escaped jurisdiction, leaving for Chicago in the wake of some other issues.

I tried to bring charges, they wouldn’t pursue, pretty sure it had to do with the fact he was one of their own high ranking officials.  I could be mistaken.  I gave them many facts and had other abused individuals willing to come forward.

See, I was not the only one.  I started doing research based on certain situations and found out there were many others abused by him.

They did not want to turn their lives upside down.  Some were now lawyers and bankers and had families of their own that they did not want to know this had happened to them too.

So I did what I could to alert the Chicago area to this man’s behavior.  I did not have deep pockets or I would have done much more.  Chicago was not right around the corner from me and I still had to make a living in Dallas.

There you have it.  MY cat MJ will always have a special place in my heart and soul.  She saved my life with the help of my higher power.  They gave me an opportunity to see where I had once been blind and I am grateful.


GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, (PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER, (ME, MYSELF & I);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO!!


#2    AliveInDeath7

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 06:07 PM

Amazing story; animals are our angels, they show us alot of things that we would be blind to without their perception.


#3    soulpowertothenthdegree

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Posted 05 January 2013 - 07:59 PM

View PostNikkiAidyn, on 05 January 2013 - 06:07 PM, said:

Amazing story; animals are our angels, they show us alot of things that we would be blind to without their perception.

She truly was an angel in my life.  I believe she was sent to me to help me and she did her job.  I will never forget her and to this day 22 years later the feeling that came over me has never gone away.  I get goose bumps all over my body anytime I start to think about that experience.  Thanks for your reply.

GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, (PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER, (ME, MYSELF & I);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO!!


#4    Lava_Lady

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Posted 06 January 2013 - 07:33 AM

Wow... I'm sorry that man abused you.  He's no friend.  You're courageous to talk about it openly and your cat is, indeed, an angel.  I believe animals can be our soul mates and clearly you have found yours.  here's to better times for you in the future and lots of yarn for you're little MJ to play with.  :)

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."  - F. Scott Fitzgerald


#5    soulpowertothenthdegree

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Posted 06 January 2013 - 12:34 PM

View PostLava_Lady, on 06 January 2013 - 07:33 AM, said:

Wow... I'm sorry that man abused you.  He's no friend.  You're courageous to talk about it openly and your cat is, indeed, an angel.  I believe animals can be our soul mates and clearly you have found yours.  here's to better times for you in the future and lots of yarn for you're little MJ to play with.  :)

At the time of this relationship he was diabolical enough to convince be he was more than a friend.  He was my teacher/mentor/big brother...sadly he was the teacher of evil, the mentor of hatred and the big brother I never wanted.

I learned some valuable lessons in life, albeit, very difficult one's, but lessons nonetheless.  I was forced to take positives from a negative situation.  Unfortunately, it took me many years and I lost valuable time living a productive life, instead focused on the hatred I had at myself for behavior I could not explain.

I am sharing this experience for those that have been abused, for those that need signs of possible abuse and to help those that have never been abused to have a better understanding of those that have been, in their immediate family or friends.  I, also, hope anyone that does the abusing or is contemplating doing it to another soul, will understand the ramifications of their decision process before they begin or to see the evil of their ways and STOP whatever abusive behavior they do have.

As to my wonderful cat MJ.  Definitely a soul mate/angel.  I moved to Florida about 6 months after this to try to start a new beginning and get away from the negative atmosphere I was still dealing with.  My grandmother ascended and had left us kid's a condo in N. Miami Beach.  I went down to start fixing it up and to live there until it was sold.  When I went upstairs to get the keys from a neighbor, I left a tiny crack in my window for MJ.  She somehow got out and I never saw her again.  That was devastating to me and not a good sign of my newly begun experience.   Needless to say, every night for many months after I spent looking around the entire property for hours searching for her.

Eventually, we sold the condo and I was forced to move in with my parents at the time,  Hurricane Andrew had destroyed much of South Florida months before and the availability of apartments became difficult.

There is much more to this situation.  I have much more to share about that experience.  MJ will always be with me in spirit, but that was 20 years ago.  Thanks for your response.

GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, (PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER, (ME, MYSELF & I);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO!!


#6    K_Bonita

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 05:28 AM

Very touching story and you are very brave...the cat is your little angel :innocent: :wub:

“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. ”

#7    soulpowertothenthdegree

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 01:46 PM

View PostK_Bonita, on 07 January 2013 - 05:28 AM, said:

Very touching story and you are very brave...the cat is your little angel :innocent: :wub:

Thank you, but I don't consider myself brave for sharing this.  I consider it my duty to my fellow souls.  She was there for me at a time I really needed her.  Interestingly, Angels take the form of many in my opinion and this Angel has been with me many times.  I have had numerous occasions throughout my life that I have felt the presence of a "Guardian Angel".  This is one experience I decided to focus on because it was one that I hoped others would benefit from.  Soon, I will be writing a thread that details several experiences in my life that required me being "SAVED" or I would not be here in this human condition, Today.

I feel we all have a purpose in life and it is up to us to find it with the guidance from our Higher Power and assistance from our Angel's.  If I can make a difference in one persons life that is enough for me.

GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, (PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE THINGS I DO HAVE CONTROL OVER, (ME, MYSELF & I);
GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO!!


#8    White Crane Feather

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 03:14 PM

I have heard this story of abuse  to many times now, and it won't be the last.

I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like you have emerged with a measure of strength ....good job.

Yes those guardian spirits can be life savers. Ironically I recently had a vision of a little black cat. Then just a few evenings ago I was informed that a nurse in my community had been abusing people and taking pictures of his daughters friends in their bathroom. One of my teenage staff members is caught up in it.

Strange. :)

I'm glad you are healing.

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
Bruce Lee-

#9    Professor T

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Posted 07 January 2013 - 08:42 PM

The Cat, Interesting.

The story, the path your Cat showed you, now that is truely inspirational..

Telling the story is empowering others.

Gold Star!
:tu:





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