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#16    Mabon

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Posted 16 March 2013 - 09:16 AM

LL,
No one can make up the past! It's past. Sure we can and should learn from it (and try not to repeat our mistakes) but this guy is not the one for you to try to sort that out on. His issues are far too complex and he needs professional help. Love, friendship or either one won't fix this guys issues! Read up on and learn about codependent relationships, controlling behavior and narcissism it will explain where you've been and what you'll go through getting out of them. There are others (men and women) who waste huge chunks of their life to unhealthy/abusive relationships.
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/ this is an example of some reading and will empower you!


Reg flags in the relationship were out there and you properly identified them, drugs, alcohol problems, jealousy and suicidal tendencies. These aren't small issues! Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want to you're not capable of handling or really helping him with his issues because you aren't a mental health worker. This isn't your failing it's a fact! One of the things that a mental health worker (using this term to encompass the field) knows how to do is distance themselves from their patients. One of the reasons is that If you are in a romantic/friendship relationship with someone (who has any of these issues) you are too close to actually counsel them. They can (and will) manipulate your emotions to continue their self destructive behavior and damage you in the bargain. The best thing would be for him to get treatment! Here is the sad part, he most likely won't but that isn't your problem it's his. He has to choose to want help, real help not just sucking the life out of people he can currently influence. What he's doing isn't really helping him he is using you (and others) as a crutch for his issues and they will only get worse not better if not properly treated. Money isn't an issue if he is ex military, he should have access to military hospitals and their counseling staff.

Right now your life is changing! You've gone from high school to collage, from a closed system to an open one. High school has a finite number of people that you are forced by circumstance to encounter until you graduate. In that kind of system you do have to make peace when emotional/physical situations occur or else it is really tense or the principle steps in and settles it. Collage isn't like that! People will drift in and out of collage more so than in high school so that forced togetherness isn't there any more. In collage there is a lack of cohesion and supervision that some students can't handle others rise to it and the emerging adulthood. In collage unlike high school there are wider age/experience ranges that you don't see in high school this can make high school easier or harder for everyone because everyone is experiencing the same issues at about the same time. Collage is a whole new ball game, with segments of all sorts of ages/experiences reflected.

Your own issues are yours' to resolve too! I'm hearing you say that you don't appreciate or open up to people easily. Hmmm...... let me think about this for a minute... You've opened up to me someone that you don't know.. you  said you talked with your friends and family about this (uncle) and that's sounds to me like you can do it perhaps it has more to do with who you feel comfortable with and that's not a bad thing. I'll share with you something a wise friend once shared with me when I was worried about a similar issue... they said if you're worried you aren't a good person you are a good person. Because only someone who cares would really worry about it!

Get out of the dorm! See what clubs or activities you might be interested in that the campus provides. That way you can meet people who share your interests, that's a great way to meet new people. Take this time to find out who you are, what you want out of life! Trust me when I say this, it goes by so quickly and loosing time over a situation that is out of your control is time you'll never get back. You may not think it but in a strange way this interaction with this guy may not in the long run be the worst thing if you learn from it. Believe it or not, I hope this guy gets the professional help he needs! But again your not the one who can do it, he has to do it/want it for himself or treatment won't work!

And you are most welcome!
Thank you for listening!
I hope it helps you!
Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#17    Shego

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Posted 17 March 2013 - 04:47 AM

View PostMabon, on 16 March 2013 - 09:16 AM, said:

LL,
No one can make up the past! It's past. Sure we can and should learn from it (and try not to repeat our mistakes) but this guy is not the one for you to try to sort that out on. His issues are far too complex and he needs professional help. Love, friendship or either one won't fix this guys issues! Read up on and learn about codependent relationships, controlling behavior and narcissism it will explain where you've been and what you'll go through getting out of them. There are others (men and women) who waste huge chunks of their life to unhealthy/abusive relationships.
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/ this is an example of some reading and will empower you!


Reg flags in the relationship were out there and you properly identified them, drugs, alcohol problems, jealousy and suicidal tendencies. These aren't small issues! Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how much you want to you're not capable of handling or really helping him with his issues because you aren't a mental health worker. This isn't your failing it's a fact! One of the things that a mental health worker (using this term to encompass the field) knows how to do is distance themselves from their patients. One of the reasons is that If you are in a romantic/friendship relationship with someone (who has any of these issues) you are too close to actually counsel them. They can (and will) manipulate your emotions to continue their self destructive behavior and damage you in the bargain. The best thing would be for him to get treatment! Here is the sad part, he most likely won't but that isn't your problem it's his. He has to choose to want help, real help not just sucking the life out of people he can currently influence. What he's doing isn't really helping him he is using you (and others) as a crutch for his issues and they will only get worse not better if not properly treated. Money isn't an issue if he is ex military, he should have access to military hospitals and their counseling staff.

Right now your life is changing! You've gone from high school to collage, from a closed system to an open one. High school has a finite number of people that you are forced by circumstance to encounter until you graduate. In that kind of system you do have to make peace when emotional/physical situations occur or else it is really tense or the principle steps in and settles it. Collage isn't like that! People will drift in and out of collage more so than in high school so that forced togetherness isn't there any more. In collage there is a lack of cohesion and supervision that some students can't handle others rise to it and the emerging adulthood. In collage unlike high school there are wider age/experience ranges that you don't see in high school this can make high school easier or harder for everyone because everyone is experiencing the same issues at about the same time. Collage is a whole new ball game, with segments of all sorts of ages/experiences reflected.

Your own issues are yours' to resolve too! I'm hearing you say that you don't appreciate or open up to people easily. Hmmm...... let me think about this for a minute... You've opened up to me someone that you don't know.. you  said you talked with your friends and family about this (uncle) and that's sounds to me like you can do it perhaps it has more to do with who you feel comfortable with and that's not a bad thing. I'll share with you something a wise friend once shared with me when I was worried about a similar issue... they said if you're worried you aren't a good person you are a good person. Because only someone who cares would really worry about it!

Get out of the dorm! See what clubs or activities you might be interested in that the campus provides. That way you can meet people who share your interests, that's a great way to meet new people. Take this time to find out who you are, what you want out of life! Trust me when I say this, it goes by so quickly and loosing time over a situation that is out of your control is time you'll never get back. You may not think it but in a strange way this interaction with this guy may not in the long run be the worst thing if you learn from it. Believe it or not, I hope this guy gets the professional help he needs! But again your not the one who can do it, he has to do it/want it for himself or treatment won't work!

And you are most welcome!
Thank you for listening!
I hope it helps you!
Regards,
Mabon.

Do you think this guy will feel guilty and regret hurting me? I don't think he will. I mean, I apologized to him, weeks ago, about how I treated him because I did feel like I was in the wrong, so I don't have anything bad on my shoulders right now, I stepped up and admitted to my mistakes and I'm actually learning from them. He is the one that's looking like an ass, by not admitting to his and also admitting that he has a problem. What's horrible about this entire sitaution is that he was my first kiss. So, I'm not going to forget about him, but right now I'm completely over him. He can be miserable, but I'm so totally not going to be joining him.

Everyone I know says that he is going to talk to me again in a month or two, what should I do if he does that? Ignore him or just explain to him I'm over him and I don't want him to be in my life anymore? I still feel sorry for him, but I'm not going to get into a relationship with him of any kind. Do you think that any type of relationship for him wouldn't work out until he solves those problems that he has? A lot of decent girls around here wouldn't give him the time of day if they found out about his criminal records and his drinking and drug problems. He is an okay looking guy, he is nice, not really in shape. He did have the authenticity to tell me he has been with chicks that are as cute as me (but most likely they weren't trying to help him, they most likely only wanted to use him for sex because amazing how he is 26 and has only had one serious relationship apart from his marriage (he got married when he was 18; this other serious relationship happened when he was 22 or 23), but yeah, he has been with a lot of cute chicks, and those cute chicks didn't really care about him as a person---- since it has been FOUR years since that last serious relationship), but uhh, like what "cute girls" has he actual come across, that didn't want a one night stand, but actually wanted to build a relationship with him beyond that? I think he has only had three in an eight year period, which was his first wife, his fiance and me. That's just going off by what he has told me by the way. Dude is almost 30! If he wants "stability" as he told me, he needs to stop pushing people away that give two ****s about him. He is lookng for love the wrong way; if he is only looking for chicks for their looks and not their heart. I mean, not saying there aren't good looking girls that would have a heart for him, but looking at his qualifications, there aren't many that would want a serious relationship or any type of relationship with a loser. And those that do want to try a relationship with him, to me, it would be out of pity, like I did and I think it would end the same way as mine did.

Something tells me he is going to come crawling back to me in the long run when he realizes all those good looking chicks don't give two ****s about him, it's like this gut feeling and I hate it. It's happened so many times between me and a lot guys before. And in the end we end up in good terms, but I end communication with them, because they say they have changed, but that change lasts a month and they go back to their old ways. I really hope he gets correct help and changes too. I don't like seeing people in the state that he was.

But yeah! Thank you again so much for all of your advice, I know you didn't have to do this. :)

One more question though, completely random, but would a truly bad person know and admit to themselves being bad? They wouldn't right? Because they wouldn't see any actions they have ever done as bad, but always good in some way. Like they wouldn't feel guilt and wouldn't admit to being a bad person.

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Handsome, has it, want it , have it


#18    Mabon

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Posted 18 March 2013 - 08:09 AM

Sorry that he was your first kiss! It stinks and it's rotten! Did you check out the site I suggested that you read? This site and ones on codependent relationships will explain in detail what life with him or others of this same type would be like and how to safe guard yourself against bad relationships!

No I don't think this guy will regret hurting you! He will never regret it in the way a healthy person would regret a failed relationship. He has no authentic feelings for anyone because of his drug, alcohol and emotional issues! Until he sees he has problems then completes a rehabilitation program and gets counseling for his emotional issues (which will take a long time) he will not be in a place to be in a relationship with you or anyone else.

It's up to you what to do. If you don't want him in your life don't respond to him at all. If you do you will get a repeat of what you've just been through only in this go round it will be far worse. I've seen this countless times with friends and family. They get involved because they are sympathetic towards someone who has one or more of the issues this guy has (because sadly it's not uncommon) and get stuck because they feel sorry for them. In a healthy relationship the first thing you think of about the other person isn't sorrow, a good relationship isn't built on that. If you do get back with him even as friends (which I think is unwise because you've been attracted to him) this time will be worse than the last he knows the demands he can make on you and will make more. Remember he is a substance abuser and they are not in control of themselves or honest with themselves how can they be with anyone else?

Him telling you about the other cuter girls or women in his life isn't really about you it's about him. He didn't tell you this to pay you a compliment! He did it to pay himself one! He was building his self image up while knocking yours' down! What he said translates to " I've been with hot women! You are just one of them." Where he's at everything is about him and what he wants. No one truly matters if they don't compliment his self image. His parents, you or anyone else doesn't means a thing to him just him. And if you contradict this image you have to go. Self worth doesn't come from being cute or handsome and it shouldn't be the yardstick that we use to gauge ourselves or others. Pretty is as pretty does as the old saying goes. Attractive people sometimes use their looks to mask a deeper ugly or their true selves.

I don't think that someone who is self absorbed would think that their actions are bad. If they would apologize it wouldn't be the same as if an healthy person did. They wouldn't do it to make the wronged person feel better they would do it have the wronged person back under their control. It isn't about conflict resolution it's only about them.

Again you're welcome!
Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#19    Shego

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 04:10 AM

View PostMabon, on 18 March 2013 - 08:09 AM, said:

Sorry that he was your first kiss! It stinks and it's rotten! Did you check out the site I suggested that you read? This site and ones on codependent relationships will explain in detail what life with him or others of this same type would be like and how to safe guard yourself against bad relationships!

No I don't think this guy will regret hurting you! He will never regret it in the way a healthy person would regret a failed relationship. He has no authentic feelings for anyone because of his drug, alcohol and emotional issues! Until he sees he has problems then completes a rehabilitation program and gets counseling for his emotional issues (which will take a long time) he will not be in a place to be in a relationship with you or anyone else.

It's up to you what to do. If you don't want him in your life don't respond to him at all. If you do you will get a repeat of what you've just been through only in this go round it will be far worse. I've seen this countless times with friends and family. They get involved because they are sympathetic towards someone who has one or more of the issues this guy has (because sadly it's not uncommon) and get stuck because they feel sorry for them. In a healthy relationship the first thing you think of about the other person isn't sorrow, a good relationship isn't built on that. If you do get back with him even as friends (which I think is unwise because you've been attracted to him) this time will be worse than the last he knows the demands he can make on you and will make more. Remember he is a substance abuser and they are not in control of themselves or honest with themselves how can they be with anyone else?

Him telling you about the other cuter girls or women in his life isn't really about you it's about him. He didn't tell you this to pay you a compliment! He did it to pay himself one! He was building his self image up while knocking yours' down! What he said translates to " I've been with hot women! You are just one of them." Where he's at everything is about him and what he wants. No one truly matters if they don't compliment his self image. His parents, you or anyone else doesn't means a thing to him just him. And if you contradict this image you have to go. Self worth doesn't come from being cute or handsome and it shouldn't be the yardstick that we use to gauge ourselves or others. Pretty is as pretty does as the old saying goes. Attractive people sometimes use their looks to mask a deeper ugly or their true selves.

I don't think that someone who is self absorbed would think that their actions are bad. If they would apologize it wouldn't be the same as if an healthy person did. They wouldn't do it to make the wronged person feel better they would do it have the wronged person back under their control. It isn't about conflict resolution it's only about them.

Again you're welcome!
Regards,
Mabon.

I also think that his mental age isn't in tune with his real age of 26. I know another 26 year old (I've known him for years!) and he has been through very tramatic experiances through his rough, abusive childhood to his family abandoning him after he joined the special forces. He has been in the infantry and he use to suffer from PTSD, and he did have the same drug and alcoholic problems. The difference is, he made those mistakes around the same time the other guy did (21 or 22) and now that he is 26 he is trying to fix himself up and better himself. He doesn't drink anymore to get drunk, he doesn't do drugs anymore and he doesn't suffer from PTSD anymore because he got help. He told me the other guy was a "*****" so to speak and that he needs to get help and stop being a pity party. I agree completely with him! I don't see the first 26 year old guy ever being in a stable, healthy relationship with anybody because the only people that would be interested in him would be people who have the same internal conflicts as him. Women who are alcoholics and who do drugs may be the only people he could be in a "stable" relationship with, but not a healthy one. I really feel sorry for him, because I see him getting into a relationship with a woman like that and that's going to cause more harm than good in my book. He might be happy, but sooner or later he is going to find himself in a hole he can never get out of.

Yes I did go to the website you gave me! Thank you so much! Very useful information.

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Handsome, has it, want it , have it


#20    Shego

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Posted 20 March 2013 - 03:31 AM

To the people that care...I haven't been on Facebook in a week and I just logged in today and got a message from him from last week saying he wanted to talk last weekend, but I was busy and I'm busy all this week too.

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#21    Mabon

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Posted 20 March 2013 - 12:10 PM

[Snipped for point]

View PostLeona Lewis, on 19 March 2013 - 04:10 AM, said:

I agree completely with him! I don't see the first 26 year old guy ever being in a stable, healthy relationship with anybody because the only people that would be interested in him would be people who have the same internal conflicts as him. Women who are alcoholics and who do drugs may be the only people he could be in a "stable" relationship with, but not a healthy one. I really feel sorry for him, because I see him getting into a relationship with a woman like that and that's going to cause more harm than good in my book. He might be happy, but sooner or later he is going to find himself in a hole he can never get out of.

This is one of the ideas that can be so damaging to others and yourself. I do understand that you are trying to distance yourself from this experience and regain control but IMHO this isn't healthy. Age, intelligence, gender or maturity there is no one demographic of who will fall for this kind of manipulation. Others with issues will be easier but everyone has issues it has more to do with being exploited by someone is using the emotions of their victim against them. And it seems that you are still detoxing because you're worried about him being with other women but don't seem sympathetic toward others he may cause pain to. You want to write them off as drug/alcoholic dependent are you like that? Who's to say it won't be another nice person who gets entangled with him because they don't listen to their instinct? Remember the wounded bird ploy.

Since he's tried to make contact it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You now have control of your self to decide if a relationship with him is possible on any level. But it's your life and your choices.

Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#22    Shego

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 03:37 PM

View Postlaskiop, on 24 March 2013 - 09:22 AM, said:

Hi I am new member here and just read your post very glad to find you.

Why?

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#23    Shego

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 03:38 PM

View PostMabon, on 20 March 2013 - 12:10 PM, said:

[Snipped for point]


This is one of the ideas that can be so damaging to others and yourself. I do understand that you are trying to distance yourself from this experience and regain control but IMHO this isn't healthy. Age, intelligence, gender or maturity there is no one demographic of who will fall for this kind of manipulation. Others with issues will be easier but everyone has issues it has more to do with being exploited by someone is using the emotions of their victim against them. And it seems that you are still detoxing because you're worried about him being with other women but don't seem sympathetic toward others he may cause pain to. You want to write them off as drug/alcoholic dependent are you like that? Who's to say it won't be another nice person who gets entangled with him because they don't listen to their instinct? Remember the wounded bird ploy.

Since he's tried to make contact it's up to you to decide what you want to do. You now have control of your self to decide if a relationship with him is possible on any level. But it's your life and your choices.

Regards,
Mabon.

No! I mean...I don't know. Uh, I should just give it up but I can't. If he did get a girlfriend or whatever I would be majorly jealous. That's all I'm going to say. I have it bad. If I could just sit down and talk to him. I would feel so much better.

Edited by Leona Lewis, 24 March 2013 - 03:39 PM.

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I want a guy with a rich boy standards
Handsome, has it, want it , have it


#24    Mabon

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Posted 25 March 2013 - 08:48 AM

View PostLeona Lewis, on 24 March 2013 - 03:37 PM, said:

Why?

This was a spam. You know someone who posts so they can put in their tag a site that they want to advertise  In a strange funny way it's kind of like the guy you are talking about. A statement was presented that made it seem there was a real person who cared and wanted to interact with you but it was just a trick to get you to read their blog.

View PostLeona Lewis, on 24 March 2013 - 03:38 PM, said:

No! I mean...I don't know. Uh, I should just give it up but I can't. If he did get a girlfriend or whatever I would be majorly jealous. That's all I'm going to say. I have it bad. If I could just sit down and talk to him. I would feel so much better.

Can't give it up or won't give it up? You can walk away, currently you don't want to because you are still getting something out of it. What that is I don't know, only you do.

Well... I don't think that you would be human if you didn't feel something but if jealousy is one of the prime emotions that isn't healthy. Jealousy is based on competition and the need to be number one, or self image. If you're jealous of him you are always going to be at a disadvantage wondering who he's going to be attracted to and if he's going to leave you for someone else. Thats still having the relationship based on his needs and issues and he gave you reason to feel that way at the beginning of the relationship. Think about it, where do you fit in that type of relationship? When would you have time for you to accomplish what you want out of your life? You won't... you'll be to busy dealing with his issues to concentrate on your own.  Do you think he will want or be able to put his issues on hold if you are having a real problem in your life? There are three ways it could go; he'll be supportive, he'll seem supportive but turn the conversation/s round to himself or he'll bail. Consider his track record to see which you think most likely and do you need the added stress of wondering if you can depend on him to be supportive when you really need it?

What do you think talking with him would accomplish? If you think talking with him will allow him to understand your position and how this has affected you, I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Where he's at he simply can't feel anything for anyone other than himself. He has already proven it.

This isn't the fairytale of "Beauty and the Beast". He won't change just because you showed him kindness, kindness is viewed as weakness by people who exploit others. It seems you're still in the thrall of the, "but.. if only" fantasy! In real life the beast remains a beast! Beauty, always has the option of getting the heck out of fairyland and on with her life!
Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#25    Shego

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Posted 25 March 2013 - 01:17 PM

View PostMabon, on 25 March 2013 - 08:48 AM, said:

This was a spam. You know someone who posts so they can put in their tag a site that they want to advertise  In a strange funny way it's kind of like the guy you are talking about. A statement was presented that made it seem there was a real person who cared and wanted to interact with you but it was just a trick to get you to read their blog.



Can't give it up or won't give it up? You can walk away, currently you don't want to because you are still getting something out of it. What that is I don't know, only you do.

Well... I don't think that you would be human if you didn't feel something but if jealousy is one of the prime emotions that isn't healthy. Jealousy is based on competition and the need to be number one, or self image. If you're jealous of him you are always going to be at a disadvantage wondering who he's going to be attracted to and if he's going to leave you for someone else. Thats still having the relationship based on his needs and issues and he gave you reason to feel that way at the beginning of the relationship. Think about it, where do you fit in that type of relationship? When would you have time for you to accomplish what you want out of your life? You won't... you'll be to busy dealing with his issues to concentrate on your own.  Do you think he will want or be able to put his issues on hold if you are having a real problem in your life? There are three ways it could go; he'll be supportive, he'll seem supportive but turn the conversation/s round to himself or he'll bail. Consider his track record to see which you think most likely and do you need the added stress of wondering if you can depend on him to be supportive when you really need it?

What do you think talking with him would accomplish? If you think talking with him will allow him to understand your position and how this has affected you, I'm afraid that you're wasting your time. Where he's at he simply can't feel anything for anyone other than himself. He has already proven it.

This isn't the fairytale of "Beauty and the Beast". He won't change just because you showed him kindness, kindness is viewed as weakness by people who exploit others. It seems you're still in the thrall of the, "but.. if only" fantasy! In real life the beast remains a beast! Beauty, always has the option of getting the heck out of fairyland and on with her life!
Regards,
Mabon.

I don't know! There is NOTHING I am getting out of this whole incident. It makes me angry that he cannot explain himself, that's all I want is a straightfoward answer as to WHY. But I want him to tell me and then I'll be at ease. In the past two and a half months I have been stressed out with constant arguing with my "best friend" of five years because here comes this other guy, telling me he likes me and all this other crap. I had mixed feelings for him, he was asking me to give him a chance and it was the WORST time to do it. My "best friend" lied to me, and then he confessed he had a crush on me since 9th grade, which is like WTF? We started our friendship in 8th grade because of people's big mouths telling him that I had a crush on him. When he started having feeling for me four years ago, why didn't he ask me out then? Because the feelings I had for him,were not there anymore. I saw him as a brother figure. He lied to me and said he saw me as a sister figure then when I get back from LA, two weeks in, he tells me "I had a dream about us getting married and having kids". That freaked me out to the MAX. Then this other guy was talking about "I'm looking for a stable relationship and I want that to lead to a wife" and he was asking me to give him a chance? I was like SO STRESSED OUT and majorly confused. I felt guilty after I rejected my best friend and his offer to go out, and then gave the other guy a chance that lasted for a day because of my mixed and guilty feelings. On top of that I have two other guys, one I've known since I've got here, and the other one I've known for four years both of them were asking me out too. All of this happened in like a two and a half month period ever since I got back here, I picked this alcoholic, drug using doofus over the other three guys because he gave me this feeling that I wasn't getting from my best friend nor the other two guys. He actually made me feel like really beautiful, special and extremely happy. So, of course I'm sitting here, at his house, hearing he and his friend talking about they might transfer and it hurts me. Like I don't want him to go and I don't want him out of my life. No matter how ******* hard I try to let this entire situation go, I end up still missing him, still wanting to be with him and only him. I've tried going to parties, to dances, metting all these guys, talking to them, but at the end of the night, guess who I end up thinking about? The guy. It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm doing something and I did something my mother would NEVER approve, if she found out she would disown me. She was like calling me almost every time I would get back from this guys house and make comments out of the blue that would leave a "wtf" in my head. "Don't hang out with pot smokers...Don't hang out with rednecks...don't come back here pregnant with one's child..." Like oh my gosh!

I don't have much issues anymore. One of my big issues of me and my "best friend" have been solved. We aren't friends anymore. The other issue is the relationship between him and myself. As much as you say talking to him won't do anything, I have this complete desire to just sit down with him and talk. It could have happened the week before, but that week my "best friend" wanted to argue with me every day and show how jealous he was I was picking this guy over him. So I was like "whatever" and turned off my phone and didn't go on facebook for that entire week. That week the doofus messaged me saying he wanted to talk that weekend and my phone was off, I didn't go on facebook at all. That week was  spent doing homework, going to parties and hanging out with the few friends I have here.

I don't know why I'm being so stupid. Like uhhhh, it's fustrating.

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#26    Mabon

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Posted 25 March 2013 - 04:08 PM

One of the things you're getting out of it is that you don't have to deal with the feelings you have about your best friend or yourself. This other guy is a distraction. A big distraction! Some part of you knows the Bad Boy (from here on out will be B.B.) is a nowhere relationship. But you didn't count on the manipulation, or how that would ultimately make you feel.

How long are you going to stay on this mental merry-go-round asking why? You already know the answer and have all along. Not liking the answer isn't the same as not knowing it. He is a drug and alcohol dependent person who has huge emotional issues, he used you and will as many times as you let him. Hanging on to the prospect of him changing or giving you an answer that you can live with isn't going to happen. No one likes unresolved issues and if you think that closure is going to come from an outside source (BB) it won't, it never does it comes from you. Right now you are really fighting and angry with yourself. You don't want to face the hard questions you need to ask yourself.

Your BF didn't necessarily lie to you, feelings can change over time. You admit yours did. You said you once had a crush on him but it changed. Well that can work in the opposite way too. Someone can feel friendship and it can change to one of deeper more romantic feelings and those type of feelings can develop or remain hidden even from the person having them until an event makes them aware. You leaving LA may have made him reflect on your relationship and made him realize that there was or could be more to it than friendship. Between the two a relationship built on friendship has the better chance of being a more fulfilling long term relationship rather than one built on need and misery. And think about how angry your BF's comment/ revelation has made you. Why are you so angry if your feelings for him is that of sibling? If your feelings are no more than that of a friend you would have simply told him, that you're sorry but you don't feel that way about him.

Look I'm not saying you have to give the BF a chance, but you the one who is making it sound like this whole thing went like follows: You liked a guy since 8th grade, went away to collage and started meeting new people. BF now says he realizes he has romantic feelings for you and it freaked you out. BB made you feel different you got involved with him. You felt guilty about BF and feel that after one date you alone wrecked the relationship with BB. But now you realize that BB is the one you want to be with.

OK! First off you're 18. Are you ready to get married to anyone? Both of these guys are pushing you toward a long term commitment. Do you think this might be one of the issues I was talking about that you need to reflect/work on? Do you want or need to be in a long term relationship right now? Why do you want to be in a long term relationship?

You let yourself get involved with BB to distract yourself. Yes, BB did make you feel different because you felt he didn't come with history/baggage that develops in a long term relationship. No he came with his own baggage.Baggage big enough that you know your Mother (rightly) wouldn't like this relationship one bit. He's been married once and engaged twice! That's enough to send most Mothers up the wall. To add to that he is a drug user and has big emotional issues! Your guilt over not resolving your conflicted feelings about BF is why you are stuck thinking you ruined the relationship with BB and want him to let you off the the emotional hook. This is why you aren't currently able to see his faults and flaws objectively.  At the same time you know he's a user and feel hurt because he used you. You'll never get an answer from him that will make you feel good about either of these issues. First, BB wouldn't be able to see past his own issues to tell you he's sorry that he hurt you. Second, BB doesn't have the all the information about BF and if he did and felt you were using him to distract yourself from another guy he would intentionally let you suffer. Because you had made it not about him.

Then there's the emotions about the BF to sort out. You know your combined history and right now you're mad that he wants a relationship now. Admit your miffed at his timing, you thought you had moved on. Had you really or is it the thought of a known safe relationship you long to get back to? Remember the safety of high school?  Do do you really think his reaction is all because he could loose you to someone else? How could he loose you? You weren't in a romantic relationship. The worst thing either of you is going to loose out of this is a friendship.  (slightly in his defense) If BF knows what kind of a guy BB is he would be angry about it. In whatever way he cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt! This isn't just jealousy but jealousy may play a part of it. Only you know him and what his motives are.

Then there is the relationship with yourself to sort out. What would you do if all these guys disappeared and you are left on your own? Because honestly that's where you really are. No one can pressure you into a relationship except you yourself.  What do you really want/need to do? You do need to learn to stand on your own and I know it's a lot to tackle but you can do it! If you don't you will always find yourself running from relationship to relationship.I'm glad that you're getting out and studying! That's good! It's time for you to get back to doing what you want to do. It will help you sort out what you are currently doing to yourself. But a 'man-hunt' right now isn't really going to go anywhere until you completely detox and get your emotions sorted out. If you don't sort them you'll always fall back thinking about BB. In a strange way he's the safest (you know what he is) and the most dangerous/destructive relationship (you know what he is). You don't miss BB you miss the thrill and the distraction of the new relationship. You aren't stupid, but I do think you are fixating on a dead relationship to hide from potential ones the most important one is with the one with yourself!  Do give yourself a break! It does take time to sort emotions out. Once you know yourself and what you want you will know what type of person you want to be with and not just jump into a relationship because it presents itself.

Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#27    Shego

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Posted 26 March 2013 - 12:16 PM

View PostMabon, on 25 March 2013 - 04:08 PM, said:

One of the things you're getting out of it is that you don't have to deal with the feelings you have about your best friend or yourself. This other guy is a distraction. A big distraction! Some part of you knows the Bad Boy (from here on out will be B.B.) is a nowhere relationship. But you didn't count on the manipulation, or how that would ultimately make you feel.

How long are you going to stay on this mental merry-go-round asking why? You already know the answer and have all along. Not liking the answer isn't the same as not knowing it. He is a drug and alcohol dependent person who has huge emotional issues, he used you and will as many times as you let him. Hanging on to the prospect of him changing or giving you an answer that you can live with isn't going to happen. No one likes unresolved issues and if you think that closure is going to come from an outside source (BB) it won't, it never does it comes from you. Right now you are really fighting and angry with yourself. You don't want to face the hard questions you need to ask yourself.

Your BF didn't necessarily lie to you, feelings can change over time. You admit yours did. You said you once had a crush on him but it changed. Well that can work in the opposite way too. Someone can feel friendship and it can change to one of deeper more romantic feelings and those type of feelings can develop or remain hidden even from the person having them until an event makes them aware. You leaving LA may have made him reflect on your relationship and made him realize that there was or could be more to it than friendship. Between the two a relationship built on friendship has the better chance of being a more fulfilling long term relationship rather than one built on need and misery. And think about how angry your BF's comment/ revelation has made you. Why are you so angry if your feelings for him is that of sibling? If your feelings are no more than that of a friend you would have simply told him, that you're sorry but you don't feel that way about him.

Look I'm not saying you have to give the BF a chance, but you the one who is making it sound like this whole thing went like follows: You liked a guy since 8th grade, went away to collage and started meeting new people. BF now says he realizes he has romantic feelings for you and it freaked you out. BB made you feel different you got involved with him. You felt guilty about BF and feel that after one date you alone wrecked the relationship with BB. But now you realize that BB is the one you want to be with.

OK! First off you're 18. Are you ready to get married to anyone? Both of these guys are pushing you toward a long term commitment. Do you think this might be one of the issues I was talking about that you need to reflect/work on? Do you want or need to be in a long term relationship right now? Why do you want to be in a long term relationship?

You let yourself get involved with BB to distract yourself. Yes, BB did make you feel different because you felt he didn't come with history/baggage that develops in a long term relationship. No he came with his own baggage.Baggage big enough that you know your Mother (rightly) wouldn't like this relationship one bit. He's been married once and engaged twice! That's enough to send most Mothers up the wall. To add to that he is a drug user and has big emotional issues! Your guilt over not resolving your conflicted feelings about BF is why you are stuck thinking you ruined the relationship with BB and want him to let you off the the emotional hook. This is why you aren't currently able to see his faults and flaws objectively.  At the same time you know he's a user and feel hurt because he used you. You'll never get an answer from him that will make you feel good about either of these issues. First, BB wouldn't be able to see past his own issues to tell you he's sorry that he hurt you. Second, BB doesn't have the all the information about BF and if he did and felt you were using him to distract yourself from another guy he would intentionally let you suffer. Because you had made it not about him.

Then there's the emotions about the BF to sort out. You know your combined history and right now you're mad that he wants a relationship now. Admit your miffed at his timing, you thought you had moved on. Had you really or is it the thought of a known safe relationship you long to get back to? Remember the safety of high school?  Do do you really think his reaction is all because he could loose you to someone else? How could he loose you? You weren't in a romantic relationship. The worst thing either of you is going to loose out of this is a friendship.  (slightly in his defense) If BF knows what kind of a guy BB is he would be angry about it. In whatever way he cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt! This isn't just jealousy but jealousy may play a part of it. Only you know him and what his motives are.

Then there is the relationship with yourself to sort out. What would you do if all these guys disappeared and you are left on your own? Because honestly that's where you really are. No one can pressure you into a relationship except you yourself.  What do you really want/need to do? You do need to learn to stand on your own and I know it's a lot to tackle but you can do it! If you don't you will always find yourself running from relationship to relationship.I'm glad that you're getting out and studying! That's good! It's time for you to get back to doing what you want to do. It will help you sort out what you are currently doing to yourself. But a 'man-hunt' right now isn't really going to go anywhere until you completely detox and get your emotions sorted out. If you don't sort them you'll always fall back thinking about BB. In a strange way he's the safest (you know what he is) and the most dangerous/destructive relationship (you know what he is). You don't miss BB you miss the thrill and the distraction of the new relationship. You aren't stupid, but I do think you are fixating on a dead relationship to hide from potential ones the most important one is with the one with yourself!  Do give yourself a break! It does take time to sort emotions out. Once you know yourself and what you want you will know what type of person you want to be with and not just jump into a relationship because it presents itself.

Regards,
Mabon.


I did something yesterday, I should have done a month ago. I wished him a happy life and I told him I wish that he becomes sucessful in whatever he plans on getting into for a set career. I also told him, I hope he find a beautiful, sweet girl that he will be happy with and be able to spend the rest of his life with. Then I blocked him. I felt so relived after I did that. I felt like I did the right thing. I don't end up looking like the bad person in that entire situation. He does. That's sad, but he chose to be that way and I cannot help him.If he can't be a man and have some integrity and tell me he used me and say he is sorry for it and MEAN it, then there is no reason why I should continue that meaningless, one sided relationship. Well, this situation is over on my terms and I feel great about it. I was respectful and honest the entire time. I admitted to the mistakes I believed I made. And my apology was sincere. I'm going to pretend he never existed and that we never did the things that we did. Easier for me in the end.

Edited by Leona Lewis, 26 March 2013 - 12:20 PM.

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#28    Mabon

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Posted 26 March 2013 - 01:37 PM

HUZZAH!
Good for you! The part in bold is the part to remember! It doesn't matter if he doesn't say he's sorry, you know that it's over and on your terms! I'm sure that it was very cathartic to wish him good luck and a good life! He needs it! We all do!

View PostLeona Lewis, on 26 March 2013 - 12:16 PM, said:

I did something yesterday, I should have done a month ago. I wished him a happy life and I told him I wish that he becomes sucessful in whatever he plans on getting into for a set career. I also told him, I hope he find a beautiful, sweet girl that he will be happy with and be able to spend the rest of his life with. Then I blocked him. I felt so relived after I did that. I felt like I did the right thing. I don't end up looking like the bad person in that entire situation. He does. That's sad, but he chose to be that way and I cannot help him.If he can't be a man and have some integrity and tell me he used me and say he is sorry for it and MEAN it, then there is no reason why I should continue that meaningless, one sided relationship. Well, this situation is over on my terms and I feel great about it. I was respectful and honest the entire time. I admitted to the mistakes I believed I made. And my apology was sincere. I'm going to pretend he never existed and that we never did the things that we did. Easier for me in the end.

Believe it or not you do sound calmer! It will still take some time but you sound like you are well on your way!

I wish you all the best!
Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson


#29    Shego

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Posted 26 March 2013 - 02:52 PM

View PostMabon, on 26 March 2013 - 01:37 PM, said:

HUZZAH!
Good for you! The part in bold is the part to remember! It doesn't matter if he doesn't say he's sorry, you know that it's over and on your terms! I'm sure that it was very cathartic to wish him good luck and a good life! He needs it! We all do!


Believe it or not you do sound calmer! It will still take some time but you sound like you are well on your way!

I wish you all the best!
Regards,
Mabon.

Thank you for all your advice and your help. You did have an effect on my choice. Easier for me to move on now that it ended on my terms and not his. I should have done that in the beginning. I don't know why I was holding on to something that was obviously not there.

Thank you again! :)

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#30    Mabon

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Posted 27 March 2013 - 08:34 AM

View PostLeona Lewis, on 26 March 2013 - 02:52 PM, said:

Thank you for all your advice and your help. You did have an effect on my choice. Easier for me to move on now that it ended on my terms and not his. I should have done that in the beginning. I don't know why I was holding on to something that was obviously not there.

Thank you again! :)


I am so proud of you! If you ever think that you aren't mature, you can forget that. An immature person could never have wished someone who hurt them a happy life and mean it! Honestly, you went above and beyond with that sentiment! I was hoping that you could get there but it had to come from you or it wouldn't mean anything!
You are going to be so much better than fine! :yes:

You are SO WELCOME! :blush: I'd give you a big old hug if I could!
Regards,
Mabon.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.  ~ Emily Dickinson





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