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Gracie Allen


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#1    StarMountainKid

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 10:23 PM

Woman: "Every night I bring my husband his bedroom slippers and pipe filled with tobacco. You should do the same."

Gracie: "Well my husband doesn't smoke a pipe, do you think I could bring him his slippers filled with cigars?"

"I went to a wedding last week and after the ceremony twenty men lined up to kiss the bride. I never saw such unhappy men. They all thought that would be the last time they'd have a chance to kiss her."

"My friend and this man were thinking about getting married, but she didn't want to marry him because he was drunk all the time. So he stopped drinking, and when he sobered up he didn't want to marry her."

Gracie says to George, "You know I have a niece with three feet."

George says, "What?"

Gracie says, "Well, I just got a letter from my aunt Sara. She said I wouldn't recognize little Mary, since the last time you saw here she's grown another foot."

Edited by StarMountainKid, 03 April 2013 - 10:47 PM.

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#2    Simbi Laveau

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 10:26 PM

I adore Gracie. George Burns ne er would have made it without her

Miss me?

#3    Taun

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 10:28 PM

Like George once said... "I had the easiest job in the world.. I just said 'How's your Uncle' and Gracie talked for forty years.'"


#4    Ashotep

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 10:41 PM

George couldn't of made it without her.


#5    QuiteContrary

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 10:54 PM

I've always loved her too!


#6    Taun

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 12:14 AM

A few "Gracie-isms"

A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing.
Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.

All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous.
I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

As I look...at all these trusting and loving faces...tears come into my eyes...and if you must know why...it's because my girdle is killing me. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

Build a better mousetrap than your neighbor and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

"Gracie, why should I give your mother a bushel of nuts? What'd she ever give me?"
"Why, George, she gave you me. And I'm as good as nuts."


"Gracie, did the maid ever drop you on your head when you were a baby?"
"Don't be silly, George, we couldn't afford a maid. My mother had to do it."


"Gracie, would you like a Doctor?
"One at a time, kiddo, I'm not through with you yet."


I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

I read in the papers that the Los Angeles police are hunting for a Chicago gangster. But why do they want one from Chicago? Can't they be satisfied with a hometown boy?

I stand before you tonight a simple, plain woman... (GROANS) which is not my fault, but the beautician can't take me till tomorrow. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.

If the deficit still seems too high, I'll sing it again... starting a half-note lower. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

I'm a very lucky woman. I was courted by the youngest, handsomest, most charming, most sought-after star in show business - but  I still married George because I loved him.

It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.

Keep up your morning exercises, because every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

Let the others make statues of Apollo and Mercury and Hercules... You're the man I want to chisel.

Let's all put our shoulders to the wheel and push the Ship of State further into the mud. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

[on phone] No, the doctor isn't in just now. Oh, he won't be back for a long, long time. He went out on one of those eternity cases.

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.

There's no job for George because I don't think it's dignified for the President's husband to work. People would be whispering that I can't support him. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances. (Gracie Allen for President 1940)

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about ... ?

(asked how to speak French) You speak it the same way you speak English, you just use different words. (Gracie)


(sorry the quotes are also links - can't get rid of the links with our doing a whole lot of retyping)

Edited by Taun, 04 April 2013 - 12:17 AM.


#7    StarMountainKid

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 06:48 AM

I didn't really expect anyone around here to even know who Gracie and George were.

The acceptance of authority does not lead to intelligence.
A mind untouched by thought...the end of knowledge.
My credentials: http://www.unexplain...ic=87935&st=225




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