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Time Wasted


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#1    Miss Shadows

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Posted 29 May 2013 - 07:47 AM

This is something that I've very haphazardly begun and I don't know how much of it all I'll end up covering. This is draft one of an experimental first chapter, it's a bit heavy and thick, but it's also in a very raw stage and I'd really like feedback. Whether you want to PM it to me or just post, I'm looking for constructive criticism, not to argue with those who give it. So if anyone would be willing to read and give me their thoughts/feelings, I'd be more appreciative than ever. Names have been/will be changed for good reason. Thanks again.

What the hell am I doing? Why do I feel like a freaking criminal? Can I be legally punished for this?

That first question scares me the most. No harm has yet come to anyone from me working illegally, and I haven't robbed any banks to pay rent. I am 13 years old, playing sick from school, and using a fake ID to help emancipate myself. I've lied more in the past 2 months than some people lie in their life, but honestly I'm scared out of my mind. I work 60 hours a week in horrible jobs and split rent with someone a decade older, and when I do go to school I dodge questions like glass. Constantly I am tired, and cold, hungry and miserable. All this and more begs the question. What the hell am I doing?

It's well past 11 at night as I step on the trolley and slip into a seat. The car is virtually deserted and I slip into a shallow sleep.

---

"Wake up" I have my mother by the shoulder and I'm trying without much success to break her from a pill induced slumber on our dinner table. She swears at me, slurred profanities into her arm, before propping herself up to look at the stranger in her kitchen.

"You can't sleep here, Liz. Go to your room, please?"

"I can sleep wherever the **** I feel like it, this is my house."

I bite back about a million responses so hard I taste copper. My little sister has eaten dinner in her room for the past 3 nights, and doesn't know why 'mommy' is so 'tired' all the time.

My mother has fallen back into a pharmaceutical wasteland. How convenient and painless that must be. I'm thinking of a 6 year old who lives in her bedroom and an after school program as I grab the emaciated thing in front of me and attempt to carry her to her bedroom, but my plan is foiled when a hand of sharp nails rakes my cheek with shocking sobriety. Somehow I'm the one to end up off my feet; I scramble back on them in time to take two ragged steps back from my mother, who is now beside her chair again and looking at me like something terrifying. Steroid ridden with animal-hatred and bitter fires in bloodshot eyes, this woman is more monstrous than maternal.

"What the **** did I just say?" She demands through her teeth. Before I can answer a word she goes on to bring up my father, who I can't stand to hear another word about.

"Are you kidding me Liz? Really? Him? You have a 6 year old daughter who needs a mom, and all she gets is some pill junkie who can't put down the ******* bottle. Get over him. You'd be mad if he came back, you're mad that he's not. You're a wreck and it's YOU!"

I was oblivious to the bloody gashes in the side of my face, to the fact that we were both screaming. Everything was perfectly clear though, crisp and lucid as she wrapped the neck of an Absolut bottle in her hand. It flew through the air and shattered so close behind me I could feel flecks of glass in my ear.



American with an accent, Christian with a tat, sociopath with a heart, child with no mother, Lover with no Lover, confidently doubting, amused but not laughing, woman but child, feisty yet caring, sweet when not bitter.

#2    theSOURCE

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Posted 29 May 2013 - 11:36 AM

That was a very good. I enjoyed listening to it. You've started an interesting story there and I'd like to hear more of it.


#3    Miss Shadows

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 05:06 PM

Thanks for reading; I got the second part out but am still contemplating.

American with an accent, Christian with a tat, sociopath with a heart, child with no mother, Lover with no Lover, confidently doubting, amused but not laughing, woman but child, feisty yet caring, sweet when not bitter.

#4    Jessem

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Posted 03 June 2013 - 07:56 PM

This is an amazing survival story, I know unfortunately alot of people can relate to this. Your analogies are great, my advise is to keep writing from your heart. It always comes out the best :yes:.  Good work :tu:

The secret of life is'nt trying to figure out the secret, its about living it.

#5    Kryso

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 04:11 PM

Good storytelling abilities. I like it :)


#6    Miss Shadows

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Posted 17 June 2013 - 09:54 PM

View PostJessem, on 03 June 2013 - 07:56 PM, said:

This is an amazing survival story, I know unfortunately alot of people can relate to this. Your analogies are great, my advise is to keep writing from your heart. It always comes out the best :yes:.  Good work :tu:
Thank you, Jesse, I appreciate your feedback.

American with an accent, Christian with a tat, sociopath with a heart, child with no mother, Lover with no Lover, confidently doubting, amused but not laughing, woman but child, feisty yet caring, sweet when not bitter.

#7    Jessem

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Posted 18 June 2013 - 01:46 AM

View PostHeartsAreForBreaking, on 17 June 2013 - 09:54 PM, said:

Thank you, Jesse, I appreciate your feedback.

Anytime for a fellow arizonian!

The secret of life is'nt trying to figure out the secret, its about living it.




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