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Should I cut this person off?


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#1    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:10 PM

There is this woman who I got close to and it seemed like every time we hung out or spoke, our energy levels were high.  This encouraged us to create more and move closer toward our dreams.  (We're both artists.)

Every now and then, we would have misunderstandings or make mistakes and they were usually resolved quickly. However, when it comes to a mistake that I made, she didn't forgive as easily or as quickly as I forgive her, even after the fact that my mistakes would probably not be seen as something as bad as she had done.  In other words, what would be seen as a poke in the bigger picture by more observant eyes are more like a stab to her. Despite that, I apologized, sympathized, felt really bad and tried to hang onto this friendship for as long as I could; but I feel her insecurities are making her cling onto grudges that affect our relationship.

Here's why. For months, she would call me at all hours of the day everyday.  After I would have a long days worth of work from 9am to 6pm, she would wake me up out of my sleep at either around 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 o'clock in the morning and I never complained to her about it.  I even set my clock alarm to one o'clock in the morning to chat with her to keep her awake at work (night-shift) and eventually my sleep patterns would be affected by it to the point where I'm waking up early without the alarm, even after the fact that we rarely spoke anymore.

When I told her of my scary test result, I think she still held onto her grudge from our last squabble.  She didn't contact me for days after I told her...and this was only because I sent a text message.  She then told me she would call in the morning to lend an ear, but instead of calling, she just text me a cold comfort message around 6 in the morning.  She implied that she couldn't talk because she was "tired."  Keep in mind the various hours in the morning that I had woke up for her to listen to her rant about superficial drama and things that went on in her past.  Finally, she ends up calling me two days later to see how I was doing, but it felt like I was talking to a demon.

All while she is doing this, she is also benefiting from things that I had given her.  I gave her money to buy tires for her car.  Over the weekend, she drove here for an event and didn't tell me about it, after I was just crying on the phone two days before. I let her borrow a drawing tablet (that I need to use) that she used to create illustrations for her book, that she was supposed to return during her next visit to my city, which she did not.  Reminders of me in her life, yet it seems as if she acts like I'm not even there.  This could possibly be because she feels that I'm a curse to her.  

I honestly feel like our connection is dead, so I sent her a text message telling her so.  

I think I will leave this companionship alone.  Should I just let this relationship die out completely? Will it lead to a better result?

Edited by pisceanheart, 21 June 2013 - 07:22 PM.


#2    Ashotep

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:23 PM

I think I would just let the relationship die or at least let it sit on the back burner for a while.

Any friend that wakes you up at odd hours to talk knowing you are missing out on your sleep isn't much of a friend.  She is only thinking about herself and not you.


#3    Ugly1

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:27 PM

I think I would come online and ask a bunch of complete strangers to psychoanalyze my relationships with friends and take the advice as if it was coming from someone credible that actually understands both sides of the story. Oh, wait......


#4    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:28 PM

View PostHilander, on 21 June 2013 - 07:23 PM, said:

I think I would just let the relationship die or at least let it sit on the back burner for a while.

Any friend that wakes you up at odd hours to talk knowing you are missing out on your sleep isn't much of a friend.  She is only thinking about herself and not you.

I welcomed it because when she would hint to feeling guilty about it, I would tell her it was fine. She also asked if she could call again at 4 when her shift ended, so that she could stay awake while she was driving and I told her that she could.

She would eventually get quite furious at me calling her during the day before her shift started though.  And I mean FURIOUS.

Edited by pisceanheart, 21 June 2013 - 07:28 PM.


#5    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:31 PM

View PostUgly1, on 21 June 2013 - 07:27 PM, said:

I think I would come online and ask a bunch of complete strangers to psychoanalyze my relationships with friends and take the advice as if it was coming from someone credible that actually understands both sides of the story. Oh, wait......

I really don't have time for sarcasm, but thank you for noticing the thread.


#6    QuiteContrary

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:33 PM

I can't judge you or her or your relationship over the Internet. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt or maybe the entire salt shaker... you know her far better than I could guess at it

But, some people are very draining, know what I mean. They drain your time, emotions, energy, finances, physical self, and eventually your well-being. She sounds very needy to me and this could be the case. There may be no changing how she operates in your relationship either, or not without extraordinary effort and time on your part.

Some people are "good" at handling others who have no boundaries and use them. But imo, they completely lose themselves to be in a relationship with an individual like that. It never seems healthy.

And sometimes we can bring it on ourselves. We may not realize we are assisting her in her neediness when we "help" her and are at her beck and call. Then when we realize she will abuse our efforts that another friend wouldn't, it is too late.
Anyway, you need to take care of you at this time. Just my opinion.

Edited by QuiteContrary, 21 June 2013 - 07:37 PM.

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in the existence of a large previously unknown undiscovered hairy biped roaming North America.
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#7    Ryu

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:34 PM

Talk to her. Tell her what you told us and simply explain to her how you see the situation.

It is possible she has had her own troubles yet either doesn't want to face them or has ignored them for so long that she may not realize it is affecting the relationship you two had.

Next time be honest and tell her how you felt and maybe lay down some new rules like not calling at all hours and let her know, gently of course, how her responses come off as sounding to you.
I mean it sounds like you two get along well enough I suppose and I wouldn't rush to end it so quickly. Maybe there is something under the surface?

Just my two bits...


#8    Ashotep

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 07:53 PM

View Postpisceanheart, on 21 June 2013 - 07:28 PM, said:

I welcomed it because when she would hint to feeling guilty about it, I would tell her it was fine. She also asked if she could call again at 4 when her shift ended, so that she could stay awake while she was driving and I told her that she could.

She would eventually get quite furious at me calling her during the day before her shift started though.  And I mean FURIOUS.
This is no reason to get overly mad at a friend unless she asked you not to and you kept doing it anyway.  I wouldn't like someone calling me when its my sleep time but I wouldn't do it to them either.  But like some of the other posters said there could be something going on you know nothing about to make her like that or she is a user.  I think you should talk to her, if she will, if not I don't think I would keep trying.  I would also set some boundaries if it was me like don't call me everyday.  Familiarity breeds contempt.


#9    Simbi Laveau

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 08:04 PM

View PostUgly1, on 21 June 2013 - 07:27 PM, said:

I think I would come online and ask a bunch of complete strangers to psychoanalyze my relationships with friends and take the advice as if it was coming from someone credible that actually understands both sides of the story. Oh, wait......
Asking strangers is the way to get a completely unbiased opinion.
Other people pay a complete stranger 150$ an hour for the same advice . It's called a psychiatrist .
Thing is,they dont give as good advice usually ,and put you on medication instead .


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#10    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 09:04 PM

What I'm afraid of the most about the cut off is that she will get back into her old lifestyle again.  

When our relationship is active, she would steer away from drinking and smoking A LOT, almost to the point where you would think she was going to quit. (Although she claims that she would never quit.)  For the little times that she would drink, she would drink responsibly by herself in her home or sometimes when we went out to eat.  We had a very productive friendship and we liked each other so much that she didn't need alcohol or something to smoke in order for us to get along as long as we were together in person. In addition to that, I told her that I don't hang out with people who smoke.  So in order to hang out with me, she made sure not to smoke around me. It was only when we were away from one another that she would get urges.  (We live in two different cities.) Some of the phone calls that I would get early in the morning from her had to do with her urge to living her old lifestyle again...and her wanting me to talk her through it until she felt better and no longer desired it.  It was almost as if she was in withdrawal and I was serving as a psychologist.

I was happy to be in her life.  It was adventurous. Plus, I generally shut most people out, so I don't have any others that I was this close to.

When we stopped talking as much recently, she ended up getting a "drinking buddy" and with the past stories that she had told me, I feel she may repeat her old pattern again.

This situation has happened once before, where I cut her off and she went back to her old lifestyle full throttle. We first met early last year.  She was indeed promiscuous and smoked and drunk quite a bit, but then claimed that she wanted to learn how to not do that.  One of our outlets was art and we got into that together quite a bit. People that were giving her issues started steering away from her when we became friends and she saw it as a blessing. However, after month three of hanging out with her, I cut her off because we had a disagreement and I thought she had cruel intentions.  During the period we weren't friends, she went back to her old lifestyle.  Within the seven months that we weren't speaking, she found herself in literally three or so different relationships that included a lot of mistreatment (violence/cheating) and alcohol abuse.  She even ended up getting a DUI for the first time and ended up staying in jail overnight.

So when we made up at the end of last year, she asked me a lot of, "Why did you leave?" "I've been through so much and you weren't there."'s, as if our parting traumatized her and affected her actions.  I think she even wanted me to promise not to leave again.

I just feel I may have to again, although I don't want to.  But whenever I get bad vibes in our relationship, it gets me down to the point where I can't move.  That's why I'm strongly considering just ending it completely.

Edited by pisceanheart, 21 June 2013 - 09:08 PM.


#11    Mabon

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 10:08 PM

Hello Pisceanheart!

My two cents into the pile.

Your last post sums up what you give her and she gives you. She gives you adventure and you give her stability. Well..... thing is you're not her Momma or her babysitter. She is a grown woman as are you. If you want adventure go find it, you don't need someone to babysit to find it. All babysitting someone does is eventually 1. wear you out and make you worry about someone whom you can't control (they are going to do what they want if you're in their life or not) 2. It gives the other person control in the relationship because you're worried about them being mad, doing bad things fill in the blank. So it sounds like the relationship is focused more on her than on you.
You've most likely learned what you needed from the relationship and it's gone as far as it can go with someone who according to your posts, is not as concerned with you as she is with herself. It may have had its fun aspects, but so does any kind of drama and drama isn't the same thing as controlled excitement. Controlled excitement is going to an action movie or concert, the drama is over when the movie is over, with someone like this the drama never stops and she doesn't know boundaries and you need to learn to enforce them without feeling guilty. It was extremely rude of her to call you all hours so she could stay awake at her job when she should be working and not talking to people on the phone and keeping herself awake. She's the one getting paid not you!
Sounds to me like it's time to move on.. But that's my opinion.

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#12    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 10:23 PM

But will she be ok?


#13    Simbi Laveau

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 11:32 PM

View Postpisceanheart, on 21 June 2013 - 10:23 PM, said:

But will she be ok?

If she isn't ok ,that's on HER ,not you . She's a grown woman who should take responsibility for herself.
My step brother died from an overdose . His dad said he wished he and I had hung out more ,maybe it would have straightened him out .
The reason I stopped hanging out with him,is because he tried to get ME to do drugs with him .
I loved him,but it wasn't my thing ,and if that's what he was going to do , no one but himself ,could help him figure it out.
I felt guilty for a long time after his death ,but I knew it wasn't my fault . I felt more like I failed his dad ,who suffered for years after his death .


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#14    pisceanheart

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 11:39 PM

View PostSimbi Laveau, on 21 June 2013 - 11:32 PM, said:

If she isn't ok ,that's on HER ,not you . She's a grown woman who should take responsibility for herself.
My step brother died from an overdose . His dad said he wished he and I had hung out more ,maybe it would have straightened him out .
The reason I stopped hanging out with him,is because he tried to get ME to do drugs with him .
I loved him,but it wasn't my thing ,and if that's what he was going to do , no one but himself ,could help him figure it out.
I felt guilty for a long time after his death ,but I knew it wasn't my fault . I felt more like I failed his dad ,who suffered for years after his death .

Sorry about your step brother.

I definitely get what you mean.


#15    dreamgoddess2011

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Posted 22 June 2013 - 12:01 AM

No relationship is perfect. There are highs and lows. Thats why the divorce rate is high. people give up and dont try. If there are more Lows than highs.. Time to evaluate the relationship. I think that's where you are at right now. life is too short to
" chase your tail" and get no where. But I agree with Ryu. Talk it out. Explain your concerns and feelings. Let her explain hers. Come up with a plan- compromise. Something that will make you feel better that takes effort on her part & something that makes her feel better that takes effort on your part. Example- seems like she is insecure/has trust issues with you. Set a boundary- you could call her at lunch time but not every hour. Be consistent and explain that your phone isn't a leash. Explain that her fears are taking over and pushing you away because your defenses are always on alert. She needs attention and I mean the spontaneous kind that's unexpected. Sweet little things that bring her back to when u two first met. If she sees you are trying to impress her and make her happy she will eventually ease up and relax. If she doesn't... Well call it quits at least u know u tried

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
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