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Are You Raising a Bully?


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#1    Mystic Crusader

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 10:09 PM

http://shine.yahoo.c...-163000469.html

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Like death and taxes, your kid screwing up is inevitable. And when they are little, it's cute. My daughter with her hands on her hips, telling me "I 'issapointed in you, mom!" never fails to make me laugh. But research shows that a toddler's self-control is one of the first and earliest predictors of success. And how you go about teaching your child that self-control can have a profound impact on the rest of their life.

One popular form of discipline is public humiliation. Images of parents dressing like their teenage daughters in short skirts or sons standing on the side of the road with signs announcing their sins to passersby have gone viral. And while it may be tempting to post a picture of your toddler on Facebook with a caption announcing, "My name is Roxie and I poop on the floor!"--think again. Publicly shaming your child can have a profound impact on their psyche.


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#2    SheWomanCatTypeThing

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 10:18 PM

People do this to their children? I've heard of people shaming their pets like this but not their children. I suppose if people bully their kids like this they shouldn't  years down the line wonder why their kids pull similar stunts on their classmates, Or be shocked at the possible outcomes, After all, Mummy and Daddy know best.

Edited by SheWomanCatTypeThing, 30 October 2013 - 10:41 PM.


#3    Ashotep

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 10:19 PM

Too many people let their kids get away with murder when they are little then wonder what happened when they get older and they can't control them.

I also don't believe in public shaming.  You could cause your child to resent you and if it does stop the problem you are shaming them over you may have created another one.


#4    MissMelsWell

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 11:15 PM

So, I raised a kid... she turned out great, she was never a bully and thankfully was never bullied (except once in Jr. High school, and when she put an end to it, kind of passive aggressively sorta, she almost got expelled! LOL) I'd say the way to accomplish bringing up a nice kid who doesn't bully and doesn't get bullied is to make dang sure you do the following:

1. Don't allow them to shift blame or make excuses for their own behavior. This can start at a VERY early age.
2. Don't bail them out of every tight spot they get themselves into. Let them figure their way out of it while you keep an eye on the situation.
3. Make sure they know the proper social rules for interacting with other people.
4. Teach them that every situation has several ways they can be handled, some better than others.
5. Treat your kids with respect in all things. Listen to their opinions and give them options for problem resolution in your home.
6. Avoid bullying your kids yourself. Often just constantly telling them "it's my way or the highway" is ineffective at best There are better ways.

None of this means you have to be a pansy parent... it means quite the opposite.

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#5    QuiteContrary

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 11:29 PM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 30 October 2013 - 11:15 PM, said:

So, I raised a kid... she turned out great, she was never a bully and thankfully was never bullied (except once in Jr. High school, and when she put an end to it, kind of passive aggressively sorta, she almost got expelled! LOL) I'd say the way to accomplish bringing up a nice kid who doesn't bully and doesn't get bullied is to make dang sure you do the following:

1. Don't allow them to shift blame or make excuses for their own behavior. This can start at a VERY early age.
2. Don't bail them out of every tight spot they get themselves into. Let them figure their way out of it while you keep an eye on the situation.
3. Make sure they know the proper social rules for interacting with other people.
4. Teach them that every situation has several ways they can be handled, some better than others.
5. Treat your kids with respect in all things. Listen to their opinions and give them options for problem resolution in your home.
6. Avoid bullying your kids yourself. Often just constantly telling them "it's my way or the highway" is ineffective at best There are better ways.

None of this means you have to be a pansy parent... it means quite the opposite.

Excellent post!

And I'd add-- include your kids in stuff so they feel like they are valuable and contribute to the family. It builds confidence and tells them they are important. Something some bullies lack. Our kids helped in everything, they were never too little to "help" even with big stuff. We just arranged it so they could "help". It took longer to do jobs but it was worth it when they hit 14 and could repair anything around the house or at least feel confident enough to try to figure it out. From cooking to sewing to electrical to automotive.
And they could then help neighbors or family or strangers in need.

Edited by QuiteContrary, 30 October 2013 - 11:35 PM.

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#6    MissMelsWell

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Posted 30 October 2013 - 11:36 PM

LOL, I can't tell you how many times I said "I'm not going to tell you what to do, you tell me and we'll work on it from there" LOL. Or, said the phrase "There are two ways you can handle this you can do X or you can do Y. Your job is to figure out which one you think will work best" LOL. She spent a lot of years frustrated with me, but in the end, it was definitely the right way to do things. She's an excellent decision maker, excellent at bailing herself out of a tight spot, and she's extremely kind. Sure she screws up now and again, but not too often. And when she does, she rarely needs my help to get things back to rights.

I didn't have a kid because I wanted a kid or a baby, I had a kid so I could raise it to be its own independent and self-sufficient adult who could live life successfully with all its ups and downs.

"It's time for the American people to stand up and shrug off the shackles of our government at TSA at the airport"  Ron Paul

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#7    Sherapy

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 03:22 AM

View PostMissMelsWell, on 30 October 2013 - 11:15 PM, said:

So, I raised a kid... she turned out great, she was never a bully and thankfully was never bullied (except once in Jr. High school, and when she put an end to it, kind of passive aggressively sorta, she almost got expelled! LOL) I'd say the way to accomplish bringing up a nice kid who doesn't bully and doesn't get bullied is to make dang sure you do the following:

1. Don't allow them to shift blame or make excuses for their own behavior. This can start at a VERY early age.
2. Don't bail them out of every tight spot they get themselves into. Let them figure their way out of it while you keep an eye on the situation.
3. Make sure they know the proper social rules for interacting with other people.
4. Teach them that every situation has several ways they can be handled, some better than others.
5. Treat your kids with respect in all things. Listen to their opinions and give them options for problem resolution in your home.
6. Avoid bullying your kids yourself. Often just constantly telling them "it's my way or the highway" is ineffective at best There are better ways.

None of this means you have to be a pansy parent... it means quite the opposite.

No, it doesn't mean you are a pansy! It means you know you have been entrusted with the most noble endeavor in a life (there isn't any role more important then raising a child.) A child is a gift (I have 3 of them) and to parent is the greatest honor. Humiliating or punishing is not parenting in my book, it is a misunderstanding of what it means to be an authority. I have great difficulty reading topics as this.


I have only the  deepest respect for the post you put and the steps you outlined are pure gold. No one could of said it better.




#8    White Crane Feather

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 10:50 AM

I do catch myself mocking my middle child because he wines a lot and is often overly dramatic. He is also highly intelligent and knows how to work the system and his drama. I feel guilty when I react emotionally to him. Just a reminder to work harder at being the adult I guess.

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
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#9    Sherapy

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 04:13 PM

View PostWhite Crane Feather, on 31 October 2013 - 10:50 AM, said:

I do catch myself mocking my middle child because he wines a lot and is often overly dramatic. He is also highly intelligent and knows how to work the system and his drama. I feel guilty when I react emotionally to him. Just a reminder to work harder at being the adult I guess.

For me, life is cruel enough, hard enough, a kid has to deal with a lot in the course of growing up. I think as parents we are the steady ship in the storm, we are the one constant that no matter what they are going through or working on, we make it clear that we love and are there for them, that we as a team will figure this out, we got this. For a child, their self worth is drawn a lot off what the parent thinks of them, and I do think it is a good idea to always choose problem solving paths that are empowering and positive. When we see issues as opportunities for growth for both the parent and the child we go along way in teaching our kids how to seek options, and how to be constructive, compassionate problem solvers, how to be team players, as opposed to future mockers who do not seek a better way.. Just my two cents.

Edited by Sherapy, 31 October 2013 - 04:14 PM.




#10    White Crane Feather

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 05:59 PM

View PostSherapy, on 31 October 2013 - 04:13 PM, said:



For me, life is cruel enough, hard enough, a kid has to deal with a lot in the course of growing up. I think as parents we are the steady ship in the storm, we are the one constant that no matter what they are going through or working on, we make it clear that we love and are there for them, that we as a team will figure this out, we got this. For a child, their self worth is drawn a lot off what the parent thinks of them, and I do think it is a good idea to always choose problem solving paths that are empowering and positive. When we see issues as opportunities for growth for both the parent and the child we go along way in teaching our kids how to seek options, and how to be constructive, compassionate problem solvers, how to be team players, as opposed to future mockers who do not seek a better way.. Just my two cents.
I agree totally. He has progressed to calling himself the "bad one in the house" because he is always in trouble. How does one teach a child self control and to follow the rules when his brothers do not have to constantly face discipline like he does. I am very careful to show love at the same time. But some times the only thing that will bring him under control is physical control. He has challenged my stance on not spanking on many occasions, but I just have to be more creative than he is.

It's a rough road. I'm not sure robotic text book parenting is the answer. Academics are notoriously inaccurate in the margins. A little physical intimidation from dad has ways been respected by the adult children latter in life, and over the years with literally well over 20,000 hours with kids, I can spot the kid ( usually boys) that does not have a masculine power structure in their home.  

But yes.... I am struggling for a way for my middle one to not feel like he is the one that is always in trouble. But there is a cold reality built on consequences here. He actually is always breaking the rules and stepping outside of the operating values of our home. It's my job to ensure that he understands what consequences are. If I don't, I might as well send him to prison.

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
Bruce Lee-

#11    MissMelsWell

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 07:25 PM

That's a tough one... Like your middle kid, my own daughter had the potential to be a drama queen (but I never responded to the drama, so she gave it up fairly quickly), AND she RARELY fit into what I thought should be the rules in our household. LOL. Not an easy challenge. I met that challenge by throwing the rule book out the window. Honestly. Best thing ever. hahaha.

It's hard to know what you should try though... not knowing your family or your kid or what kinds of parameters you've laid down in your home. I basically had no rules until we needed them, and even then, they were pretty flexible and up for re-evaluation constantly.

I never actually "disciplned" my daugher either... If she did something that wasn't right, it was her job to make it right. For example, she started college when she was 14 (long story LOL, no she's not a brilliant genius) I think it was her 5th quarter of college she failed to register for school, leaving her with several months of nothing to do. My head about exploded, but she never knew that. I was NOT happy, but instead I sat her down, told her that under no circumstances was she going to sit around my house doing nothing for 3 months. Then I gave her 24 hours to come up with a plan as to how she was going to fill up those three months. By the following morning, she had a whole plan laid out, and she even had a backup plan if the first one didn't work out. Ultimately her pie in the sky first plan didn't work out, like i knew it wouldn't, but her second plan did. She managed to talk her way into a late registration and got registered for school anyway.  haha. If I was a different type of parent, I'd march her lazy butt down there and make her register, but I didn't do that because my goal was always to help her find the right tact on her own, not do it for her.

My kid was like yours in some ways I bet... non-conformist as heck, and pretty bright, and easiliy bored, and totally annoyed with anyone who failed to respect her time. LOL. I let her make TONS of mistakes, but I made her fix them herself for the most part. Now, as an adult, she doesn't make too many costly mistakes, because she's already learned that they're a pain the butt to fix. LOL.

There was a funnier time when she was 14 (almost 15) and in her first quarter of college... She'd gone out for the evening with a friend. Around 3:30am I was still awake, but I wasn't waiting for her, I just happened to be awake watching TV, sewing and generally goofing around on my computer. She burst in through the front door and in a SUPER huffy snotty voice said "Yeah, Yeah YEah, I know, I'm TOTALLY GROUNDED! Whatever!" And she flounced off to her room. When I stopped laughing hystarically inside my head, I wandered back to her room and said "Hey, did you have a good time tonight?" she told me she did have a good time. Then I asked her the 64M dollar question "So hon, what time is your curfew again?" she got this funny puzzled look on her face and said "I don't have a curfew do I?" ROTFLOL! I stayed perfectly silent looking at her.  Then she asked me if she was still grounded. I just said "What do you think?" I then noticed she didn't go anywhere for two weeks! She'd grounded herself!!!! LOL. I never once grounded her ever for anything! hahaha! I wasn't even upset she came home at 3:30am! LOL.

Edited by MissMelsWell, 31 October 2013 - 07:37 PM.

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#12    Sherapy

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 09:00 PM

View PostWhite Crane Feather, on 31 October 2013 - 05:59 PM, said:

I agree totally. He has progressed to calling himself the "bad one in the house" because he is always in trouble. How does one teach a child self control and to follow the rules when his brothers do not have to constantly face discipline like he does. I am very careful to show love at the same time. But some times the only thing that will bring him under control is physical control. He has challenged my stance on not spanking on many occasions, but I just have to be more creative than he is.

It's a rough road. I'm not sure robotic text book parenting is the answer. Academics are notoriously inaccurate in the margins. A little physical intimidation from dad has ways been respected by the adult children latter in life, and over the years with literally well over 20,000 hours with kids, I can spot the kid ( usually boys) that does not have a masculine power structure in their home.  

But yes.... I am struggling for a way for my middle one to not feel like he is the one that is always in trouble. But there is a cold reality built on consequences here. He actually is always breaking the rules and stepping outside of the operating values of our home. It's my job to ensure that he understands what consequences are. If I don't, I might as well send him to prison.


View PostWhite Crane Feather, on 31 October 2013 - 05:59 PM, said:

I agree totally. He has progressed to calling himself the "bad one in the house" because he is always in trouble. How does one teach a child self control and to follow the rules when his brothers do not have to constantly face discipline like he does. I am very careful to show love at the same time. But some times the only thing that will bring him under control is physical control. He has challenged my stance on not spanking on many occasions, but I just have to be more creative than he is.

It's a rough road. I'm not sure robotic text book parenting is the answer. Academics are notoriously inaccurate in the margins. A little physical intimidation from dad has ways been respected by the adult children latter in life, and over the years with literally well over 20,000 hours with kids, I can spot the kid ( usually boys) that does not have a masculine power structure in their home.  

But yes.... I am struggling for a way for my middle one to not feel like he is the one that is always in trouble. But there is a cold reality built on consequences here. He actually is always breaking the rules and stepping outside of the operating values of our home. It's my job to ensure that he understands what consequences are. If I don't, I might as well send him to prison.


IMO, A father shows his son what it means to use power(his authority) and it doesn't meant lording it over him, or intimidating or humiliating  It means you use it fairly with compassion, honor, and respect towards this future man. I do  think you have valid concerns a man does take responsibility for his choices you are not in error on that, IMO, I do agree with you when you say you want to find another way.

I might try something like this:

1. Make sure the family is all following the same rules and they know what they are, they are clearly defined.

2. Have consequences that are fair and do not involve harm to the child either physically or mentally.

3. Take accountability for your part in the problem( too many parents put it on their kids to do all the changing when the parents have played a part too in the issue.) identify what that is and change it.

4. Stay consistent understand that the problem didn't get there over night and it won't go away over night. Each kid is different but if you have a fairly functional family dynamic, and have just hit a snag and your child is intelligent as you say he will incorporate the changes fairly quickly.

5.Be sure he knows this is a positive change, this is a team effort and you all are doing your part too. You never want to sow the seeds of resentment in a child that is trying to master his impulses.


6. One of my rules for myself is I never think I am to smart or to superior to challenge my self or check myself, I home school my youngest son (16) and I have always had the guidance of a Educational Psychologist and I have used her advice numerous times. I had no idea what I was doing taking on my sons education 8 years ago so I asked for help. My son is a honor role student in his charter.  He excels in everything the Maths and Sciences etc. he is looking forward to a great future. It takes a village, so never be afraid to ask for help. Being a parent is not easy with the best of kids. I am humbled by the honor of this journey as a parent what matters to me is that I serve my sons what ever that takes on my end.
I can tell you are one heck of a caring father, you will be fine.

Just my two cents.

Edited by Sherapy, 31 October 2013 - 09:54 PM.




#13    WoIverine

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 09:05 PM

No, we taught him to put himself into other's shoes prior to acting on impulse.

"How do you think that would make you feel, if someone did that to you?'

Seems to be working very well.


#14    Dark_Grey

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 09:25 PM

We are having our first kid this coming January, actually. Teaching him personal responsibility and instilling a good work ethic are high priority for me. I remember being a young buck and having to help my dad lay patio stones in the backyard with my brother. I hated him so much at the time for making me work while all my friends were playing basketball. Digging trenches, cutting wood...he held us kids to a certain standard lol.

Fast forward a few years and I can look back and honestly say that every employer I have ever had has commented on my ability to work hard. Looking back, it's not hard for me to see that what my old man did he did out of love and wanting us to become something we could be proud of.

View PostWoIverine, on 31 October 2013 - 09:05 PM, said:

No, we taught him to put himself into other's shoes prior to acting on impulse.

"How do you think that would make you feel, if someone did that to you?'

Seems to be working very well.

If everyone taught their kids that very, very simple concept, the world could be an amazing place in just a few short generations...

Edited by Dark_Grey, 31 October 2013 - 09:27 PM.

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#15    docyabut2

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 09:43 PM

Unforturely most kids don `nt have those kind of parents, the parents are just as bad.





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