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I'm ashamed.


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12 replies to this topic

#1    White Crane Feather

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 09:45 AM

Today I was buying my wife a big giant Lenovo tablet for valentines day.

I ran into a man that I used to have lunch and a beer with. He is older. And he is dying. Lung cancer just like my dad. Last time I saw him he was very optimistic. But there are hormones in kemo. It makes you want to eat and then  look better. I know. Even though he was just a lunch buddy, I felt close to him. He liked to cook for his wife, and I maintain this exotic organic garden and he always wanted my herbs, and I always saved the excess for him.

I saw him. I barely recognized him. But I said hey. He stopped in the middle of best buy, he knew I saw his new condition. ...... Frail.  He also knew that I have seen it before. He stopped and slightly leaned over this table full of tablets. And just stayed there for a very uncomfortable long time.. He had nothing to loose and he was telling me this was the last time I will see him. I could  do nothing but accept this so I just stood with him..... Over tablets :(   He told me he was there to get a new printer... He did not have to say why ... He was going to be printing pictures.. He just stood there.... For a long time. I did not have anything to say. I could have told him ten thousand things. But I didn't. I did not know how to face this dying man that I respect. I just stood there with him. He leaned over and I was speechless. A little sales girl came to sell us tablets, but she wasn't stupid. She sensed something else was going on and removed herself Imeadiatly. Just me and him looking at each other over Samsung tablets.  I started to say a few things... But he stopped me. It was obvious this was our last moments together. We said our good byes. He walked away. The girl came back to sell me my wife's gift. It was cheapened some how. Tablets... Please.

I bought it.... But I wasn't satisfied with that good bye ... I walked to the printers. He was there. I knew why. Know he acted normal. That long look was gone. He just talked about printers. When I left I wanted to hug him, but I know a firm with a little extra firm handshake is a message of respect to a man like that, so that's what I did.

I walked out of best buy with a ******* tablet knowing it was the last time I would see my friend. I hate tablets .:(

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
Bruce Lee-

#2    fishinbilly

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 11:32 AM

Why are you Ashamed Friend?  It sounds you acted perfectly  There really isnt a lot to say In that situation  But  Your friend and You connected  He knows how you feel   You cant expect more than That
Dont  feel bad   It is Just Life  Thats All


#3    029b10

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 11:33 AM

I can relate to how you feel, I recall walking down the corridor at the hospital and realizing that it could be the last time I might ever see him, but none the less those days were the last time I would have to spend with him.  My prayers that both your and friend find solace in this emotionally trying situation.

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#4    XenoFish

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 12:26 PM

I see no shame in this. You seem to be a rare person, a thing to be proud of. To be by a friend in their last moments is always a good thing.

We're all living in a world filled with moderately stupid people.

#5    Lilly

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 12:48 PM

To come to the realization that just the 'accumulation of things' is not what we should be striving for is a very big deal. From now on you'll most likely see life from a different perspective.

You should not feel ashamed about leaving this gentleman with a respectful handshake...dying with dignity is something we should all value. You should also not be ashamed about buying a tablet for your wife, seeking to enrich and bring joy to someone you care for is an affirmation of life.

"Ignorance is ignorance. It is a state of mind, not an opinion." ~MID~

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#6    markdohle

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 01:56 PM

You did the only thing you could.  You respected him enough to give him what he needed at the time....when my time comes I hope I have a friend like you.

peace
mark


#7    WolvenHeart7

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 02:36 PM

Everyone is right about what they have said.

You met your friend in such a sad way and you were strong and showed your support in a respectful and caring way.Edited to add: I am sure he counts himself blessed to have had you in his life and grateful he could see you one more time. You are a good friend.

Edited by AliveInDeath7, 14 February 2014 - 02:37 PM.


#8    Ashotep

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 02:37 PM

A situation like that is difficult and you never know what to say.  I think you did just fine.


#9    White Crane Feather

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 04:41 PM

I don't know. I just feel like I should have spent more time with him. I should have taken him fishing ... we always talked about it. I was just always to busy.

We really only have a short time with each other on this planet. Every little moment is so precious. Why does it take death to remind me of this. Anyway.. I suppose we will all be there.

Old guys that cook for their wives in their last days are my heros. Actors, athletes, politicians, think they are important. They are not. The real heroes and role models are right in front of us every day.

This is for Dan.



Edited by White Crane Feather, 14 February 2014 - 04:42 PM.

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
Bruce Lee-

#10    Beany

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Posted 14 February 2014 - 07:01 PM

He is maybe recalling all the gifts he's received while you're thinking of what you didn't give him. Focus on abundance and gratitude, guilt never improves anything, celebrate the life that has been lived instead of mourning what might have been.


#11    Beany

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Posted 15 February 2014 - 10:24 PM

Anyhoo, WCF, we all know you wear a white hat, otherwise you wouldn't feel guilty.


#12    sutemi

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Posted 16 February 2014 - 11:09 AM

WCF, Sorry to hear about your friend. I have a friend who has been fighting Cancer for 3 yrs now, and her time is getting short. It is such a sadness to see, there is much I would like to say to her beyond the ‘I love you Linda’ when I see her, but she does not accept mysticism, but I have been lucky to have ‘experience’ in my life so I know Linda’s real self will be set free and at least in that I find comfort although I will miss a very good and dear friend when she passes over. Here’s a song I would like to share with you that I find seems to mirror my ‘feelings’ about the loss of dear ones.
  ‘setting birds free’ Ronny Ray Padilla


#13    bLu3 de 3n3rgy

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Posted 16 February 2014 - 11:15 AM

Quote

For a long time. I did not have anything to say. I could have told him ten thousand things. But I didn't. I did not know how to face this dying man that I respect. I just stood there with him. He leaned over and I was speechless.

Those kind of long silent moments, much can still be exchanged even when it doesn't seem like it. I bet much was being said between your higher selfs (souls) ;) Sometimes there is no words that can convey what needs to be said and that is ok because it will come out on another level.

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