Men Are Just Happier PPl

[scorpiosonic]

Men Are

Just Happier People --

What doyou expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can

wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or

she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On

December 24 in 25 minutes.

__

NICKNAMES

If

Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate

and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each

other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING

OUT

When

the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's

only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually

admit they want change back.

When

the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

MONEY

A man

will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman

will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on

sale.

BATHROOMS

A man

has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,

a bar of soap, and a towel.

The

average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not

be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman

has the last word in any argument.

Anything

a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman

worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man

never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A

woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man

marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING

UP

A woman

will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the

phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man

will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men

wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women

somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah,

children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist

appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes

and dreams.

A man

is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT

FOR THE DAY

A

married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering

the same thing!

Edited August 6, 2014 by scorpiosonic

[Lilly]

And there's even a thread on UM about which gender has life more difficult....imagine that.

[Q-C]

LOL! I liked that.

That's pretty close to on point for some men for sure! I know one in fact, except he was all aware of the short people living in our home and spent as much time with them as I did, from their birth.

And we are equal on shoes, at about 5 (counting flip flops and boots). And his mood changes too.

Edited August 6, 2014 by QuiteContrary

[Taun]

[media=]

[/media]

[Coralie]

[media=]

[/media]

I loved Red Green!

This was funny and true of a lot of men and women, but not all.

Although I'm not going to gussy up just for taking out the trash or even going to the grocery store, its just the store after all.

That and I would rather be working on a classic car with a beast engine or driving a tank any day.

Edited August 11, 2014 by Coralie

[Sucksquach]

Haha, somewhat real, but funny.

I think one thing men have an advantage in is that they're mostly the politicians. And really good-looking women politicians tend to be just... eye candy.

[media=]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDNmJPWGYLY[/media]

Edited August 13, 2014 by Sucksquach

[magikgoddess]

lol, this made me chuckle, thanks for sharing.

[MainerMikeBrown]

Well they say that it's a man's world!

LOL

[scorpiosonic]

A couple more...

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am inapartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

___________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

..... but all men...are men!

______________________________________________

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

[scorpiosonic]

----This is a good one- enjoy!!

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:

They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:

These are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES:

Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:

Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:

These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

https://us-mg6.mail....appid=yahoomail

WEB PAGES:

Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:

Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

https://us-mg6.mail....appid=yahoomail

HAMMERS:

Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:

Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Edited October 6, 2014 by scorpiosonic

[scorpiosonic]

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was

Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

9.A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'

15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.A backward poet writes inverse.

18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

you'd be in Seine.

21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.