The Visitors and the Visited

[StarMountainKid]

I've noticed in my life that there are two kinds of people: the Visitors and the Visited. In other words, some of the people I've known and the friends I've had, if I want to be with them, I've have to go to their house, they've never or seldom came to my house to see me.

I notice this in the neighborhood I live in. Some people always stay at home or in their yard, and their friends visit them. These people never go and visit their friends who visit them.

I'm wondering what the psychology of this is.

[Grandpa Greenman]

When I was a kid, we lived in the country and was a nice drive from the city, so family would drive out and see us on Sundays. Lately I have been hosting a dinner and a movie night for friends once a week, I got good size TV. We take turns with cooking. Before it was rare for someone to come visit. Being disabled it's sometimes hard for me to go to other people houses, so I spent a lot of time alone. I guess you need some kind of entertainment to get people to come over.

[Auntyseptic]

My house is over 150 years old and falling to pieces and I can't afford to put it right, I'm embarrassed to have people over and if I did they would only go gossiping to others.Some other people I know ain't too hot on the old housework, Maybe they work too many hours or are depressed and can't be arsed to do it. Suppose it takes all sorts.

Maybe they would rather visit you than the other way around, I know I would.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Cat_From_Hell

[Paranormalcy]

That's an interesting observation I and I'm sure many people have made, StarMountainKid. I agree with the essence of Cat From Hell's reply in that you have to be comfortable in your appearance (or your home's) or Greenmansgod's example of "worthiness" (to others). And being disabled or otherwise less likely to go places often, or having a condition that causes people to visit you less is another consideration.

I have the same experience - I know people that don't come to my place, I have to go there. This is partly due to my eventual growing desire to not socialize and my own unsuitability of my home for company, but also has stemmed from my own set of features/factors, including not being a "party" person. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, get significantly loud or act "crazy" and I don't like being around people that do. I'm not religious or have much money, I'm not a terribly well-traveled or cultured person, I'm sociable with people I choose to be, but am fairly reserved and non-social in general (and not terribly active physically as well), have no car, etc.

I would walk over and visit a disabled friend now and then until a few months ago when his passive-aggressive and I believe narcissistic behavior which he's always had but has always been somewhat muted and outweighed by his sense of humor and kindness, finally made it where although he would cook and we'd watch shows and things like that, he always took any disagreement I made on anything as a hyper critical insult, and he began aggressively projecting his own negative self-recriminations and flaws onto me, accusing me of lying and being deceptive and causing "drama" and all sorts of things. I like him and I feel bad for him, he recently lost a family member and is on a fixed income and unable to get around easily - but I'm not going to put myself through that, for the abuse. Some people like him, therefore, are "the visited" for reasons clear to others, and I also fall into that category for my own behaviors.

The example of having a game night is a really good solution to help people be involved more socially and more often. I have some family members and friends that resent others who move on with their lives or move off and lose contact with family and friends as they get older and become their own individuals, and this too is similar. We are all humans and we have certain minimum requirements and needs. I am more apt to visit people that have activities I enjoy, like playing board or roleplaying games or watching bad movies, etc. If I made it known I planned to do a weekly activity that many would enjoy, I probably also would have regular weekly company (if my place was presentable and I relaxed some of my "rules").

A lot of it is a matter of compromise between one's own sense of "how things should be" and the importance someone places on socializing.

[HDesiato]

I think the psychology of it has a lot to do with venue.

Social status.

Perception.

Growing up with deaf parents, no telephone, later closed caption perpetually scrolling at the bottom of the TV screen, my life was too 'unique'. Fitting in was not an option so I embraced the culture of 'other'.

Only the truly worthy could be allowed to visit.

I was a visiter.

Let me tell you, sleeping over a friends house, knowing my parents could not be reached by phone, was liberating,

Edited April 27, 2015 by HDesiato

[Aftermath]

As a psychologist I'm fascinated with the responses already. I predict there will be just as many different responses as there are people responding, with some overlap.

Personally, I visit and I am visited. I enjoy both... however I should mention that if I need a drink of water I don't like to ask for one, whereas at home I know exactly where the cups are. On the other hand, I hate the clean up - especially when I make ribs. I guess I could go either way.

[StarMountainKid]

Two reasons I can think of are:

#1 The architecture of the house. I live in a small house and so it's a little inconvenient for more than a couple of people to visit. I think larger rooms and better facilities make a difference.

#2 Personality (psychological) types. There are leaders and followers. I would think people who consider themselves 'the boss' would more likely expect to be visited, those more submissive would more likely consider themselves visitors.

I know people with large egos who expect to be visited by lesser forms of life. It would be beneath their dignity to visit others whom they consider inferior. For them, it would show weakness in a way. I know these kinds of people in my neighborhood. I'm not saying they're not nice people, it's just their mind set.

If their friends want to have a chat with these people, their friends have to visit them, because these people will never go visiting their friends themselves. If no one visits them, they seem to be satisfied with that, and just stay home.

[jmccr8]

Some people are selective about who and why people are in their homes.

jmccr8

[Podo]

I think it comes down to personality. I'm usually the visited because I'm the one that invites people over. My friends don't invite anyone over, and I don't like inviting myself over to their place, so if I want to chill I usually have to invite them to me. I'm okay with it, because less travel time, but it does mean I have to buy more snacks.

Oh well. You win some and you lose some.

[theotherguy]

I'm very much a visitor, even when my house is clean. In fact, as of right now, less than ten people outside of my family know where my house is, and I intend to keep it that way. I have no problem going to my friends' houses, though.

[WolfyWolfWolf]

That's interesting and I think I would be a visitor. I often travel around to see my friends and family and though they all know where my apartment is, hardly anyone ever comes to visit. I often joke with people that my place may as well be located in China... as I can count on one hand the amount of times I had people over in the past couple of years.

[Likely Guy]

I'm very much the visited as I live downtown in a very small town (300 people) and I live beside the general store. Anyone coming to and from the store can see who's already here, so they drop by. In 2013 I decided to keep track of the visits I got - 1,248 (mostly from the same 12 to 15 people of course).

I might have visited someone else 3 or 4 times.

[freetoroam]

Well I must say it is refreshing to know people are still visiting and being visited, as opposed to facebooking and emailing, which seems to be the new way of "meeting" up with your "friends" for many today.

I know some people who never leave their houses and yet spending hours on facebook is a "night out" with their mates!

I live in a boating community and we tend to do our talkings outside, occasionally we will go inside, but do not make it a habit. When friends visit me it is to see how I live, they visit out of curiosity, I do not invite people generally, only if they ask to come and have a look and even then they do not all get a yes.

Boaters generally are very private and when it comes to going into each other homes, it is not something we do a lot of, but we do sit outside alot and where ever I have stayed, have always known my neighbours and fellow moorers, where as some people in houses never speak to theirs.

I have lived in houses and must say the boating lifestyle is much more for me. I do my living in the privacy of my home and socialising out on the pontoon, and we all seem to like it that way.

I have some very good friends who live on boats and yet have never been inside their boat and visa versa, for some reason, it just does not seem necessary, if it rains, we call it a day or go to the pub.

Must add that we tend to travel a lot, so a lot of the time our family and friends do not know where exactly we are or we are unreachable...perfect.

Edited May 5, 2015 by freetoroam

[StarMountainKid]

When I was a kid, nobody just visited our house, we had company. My gram and mom would get ready for hours on a Sat or Sun morning, me and my brother had to put on our best clothes, then around 1:00 relatives would arrive.

The visiting was so polite and so formal with tea or coffee and little horderves served on a silver tray. After a respectable amount of time, my brother would whisper in my mother's ear, and she'd nod, and my brother and I would leave, change clothes and go out to play.

I do remember when company would leave, they would all stand by the door for maybe ten minuets saying their goodbyes. lol

[Olate1]

I am always the visited.......olate1 from Las Vegas.

[Paranormalcy]

I have no problem with less direct face to face or especially phone conversation. I think people that bemoan the lack of "real" communication and demonize modern communication as "anti-social" will eventually look pretty silly, from the lens of history. The fact is, the world is changing. We don't live in 1956 anymore. This IS "real communication", for 2015, whether people like to believe it or not. It is simply another addition, like writing letters, telegraphing, telephoning, etc. The only thing different is the ratio of time spent on each. I don't think real face to face conversation is going to "disappear" and the alarmist attitudes about that are frankly embarrassing.

[Susanc241]

I remember when my parents and grandparents in their turn became 'older' the younger generations were expected to visit them on the basis they had younger legs. Now I am 'older', I am still doing the visiting (to my children and other relatives - older and younger) on the basis that I am retired and have more time! And there was me thinking the world would come to me in my dotage!!

Edited for spelling/typos.

Edited May 8, 2015 by Susanc241