Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of "The Red-Headed League", Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson," he said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Sleepily, Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered this a moment. "Astronomically," he said, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
Taking Holmes's silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, "Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. "So, Holmes, what does it tell you?"
Holmes shook his head in disgust. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
3Girls are gonna get executed for a crime. The sheriff who's gonna shoot them says ok ladies stand in line. So girl number one gets against the wall...any last words says the sheriff? She says Wait EATHQUAKE! So they duck and she runs and escapes! Damn said the sheriff...ok next lady. So the sheriff says ok....any last words? She said look outside TORNADO!!! So the sheriff looks away and she escapes!! Damn the sheriff said! Ok miss lets get this over with. Any last words? The blonde knew what the others did to escape...so she says..yeah FIRE!!!
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"
He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
Ok here's a bad joke. (hope it's ok) Ok a man walks into a bar. He walks in with a ostrich and a cat. He asks the bartender 1beer for me. He asks ostrich what do you want? Ostrich says beer. He ask cat and you? CAT says beer, but I'm not payin. So the man bartender says. $6.12 so the man pulls out EXACTLY $6.12.
Next day the the same thing happens again.
So one day he walks in with the ostrich and cat. Instead they all order 2beers each. So the total is $12.24 and once again the cat says IM NOT PAYNING! So the bartender asks How do you always have the exact amound when you come in?
The man says oh when my grandmother died. I got all her belongings in a will. Adn th bartender says lucky you, but how do you always have the exact total when you pay? The man says in here house she had a geenie in a bottle it granted me 3 wishes. The bartender said oh whats those wishes. The man said A bird with long legs and a tight pussy and every time i have a buy something I'll have the exact change.
And I got 1 for 3. The others came different then I wanted....
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"