[richey100]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

[REBEL]

richey100, on 05 November 2009 - 08:24 AM, said:

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

lol!


'Look it's a frickin' elephant!'

What kind is it?

'It's a frickin' elephant!!'


Yes, but what kind of elephant?!



''A f r i c a n Elephant!!!''

[Dan Dare]

REBEL, on 05 November 2009 - 07:09 AM, said:

lol!


'Look it's a frickin' elephant!'

What kind is it?

'It's a frickin' elephant!!'


Yes, but what kind of elephant?!



''A f r i c a n Elephant!!!''

Is that an African Bush Elephant or the African Forest Elephant? Or is it the imported one from India?

Dan Dare

[adrenochromevortex]

A man escapes form prison one day. still in his orange jump suit, he meanders to the suburbs via sewer and finds a promising house to knock on in broad daylight. A woman answers the door and invites him in, strangely. As He explains the situation he looks up and notices steeple-like beams going across the ceiling. she goes into her bedroom to get some of her husband's clothes for the escaped con. Just then a loud cop-knock hits the frontdoor. BANG BANG BANG!ANd the man jumps into the rafters whilst totally naked. All anyone could see of him is his enormous set of berries hanging down. The woman answers the door and the fuzz explains the situation. She says "no one has come by here." SO the cop points to the man's berries and says "wow are those chinese steeple balls? ive always wanted to hear them ring!" so he goes over to the set and clubs them hard with his truncheon; nothing. So he decides to let loose a powerful swing. "TING-A-LING YOU S.O.B.!"

[BiffSplitkins]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,

Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

" I must, Brenda.. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,

Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

This post has been edited by BiffSplitkins: 11 November 2009 - 03:38 PM

[Fitter]

Police and rescue services were called to a pub in Belfast today where they found 17 people stuck to the inside walls and ceilings of the bar room..

Police believe it is the IRA's first no-more-nails bomb.

F

[DieChecker]

An Engineer here at Intel told me this one...

I once knew a Russian busdriver, who lived near where your from.

What was his name?

Pickup Andropov. (Pick Up And Drop Off)

[karl 12]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”


“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”


“Like I’m talking to a f******g brick wall!"

[Artemis.the.Hunter]

Two men are sitting in a bar, at the top of a highrise building. One of the men has a shot of Tequila, walks onto the balcony, and jumps over the edge. A couple of minutes later, he steps out of the lift, and walks back to the bar. He has another shot of Tequila, walks onto the balcony, and once more, he jumps off the balcony. As he walks out of the lift a second time, the other man says to him
"How do you keep doing that?" The first man responds with:
" Well, the Tequila shot gives you enough bouyancy to float down to the bottom. Then you just come back up the lift, and do it all again." The second man is amazed by this, so he orders a shot of Tequila, then walks out to the balcony and jumps off. He plummets to the bottom and hits the pavement with a loud splat. The barman turns to the first man and says...

"Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk!"

[bveeman]

CA NA DUH










Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.


Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.


Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!



Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.


Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Norway )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.