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Official Unified Jokes Thread


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#1231    d e v i c e

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Posted 04 March 2011 - 05:08 PM

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.




#1232    Wyrdlight

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Posted 05 April 2011 - 07:20 PM

How many lawyers does it take to slate a roof?

4 if you slice em right.

______________________________________________________________

A brunette woman is at the train station, she is leaping back and fourth over the railings boarding the high-speed rail link.  As she jumps she chants "22.... 22......22.....22".  A blonde lady walks up and asks what the brunette us doing, the brunette tells her she is getting some exercise whilst she waits for the train.  The blonds thinks this is a great idea and joins in.

After five mins the high speed train thunders past and the brunette leaps onto the safe side of the railings, the hapless blonde is mown down by the train.

The brunette resumes her exercise, chanting "23.....23.....23....23...."..

_____________________________________________________________


#1233    Mongarra

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 02:08 PM

Fellow has awful toothache and goes to dentist. "Sorry, but it will have to come out" says the dentist.

"Will it be very sore?" patient asks. "Not if I give you an injection to numb it" dentist replies.

"Oh no, I couldn't face that, is there another way?"

"Well I can give you gas to knock you out. I'll just put a mask over your face and feed in the gas. You won't feel a thing" says the dentist.

Patient says "No thanks. I suffer from claustrophobia and couldn't have a mask over my face. Is there no other way?"

Dentist says "The only other option is a pill". "Oh that's fine" says the fellow. "Ok, then" says the dentist, "just take this Viagra and we will wait a few minutes for it to work".

"I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller" says patient. "It isn't" says the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I'm pulling your tooth!"


#1234    maca02

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    "There is no truth. There is only perception.”
    Gustave Flaubert

Posted 16 April 2011 - 05:15 AM

theres a muslim guy where i work who jerks off so hard and so often he actually makes his penis bleed,
we call him the  terror wrist..........................................................................

Edited by maca02, 16 April 2011 - 05:15 AM.

ALL HAIL THE ALE

#1235    libstaK

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Posted 18 April 2011 - 03:19 PM

Paddy and the Professor were having a yarn in a park.

Paddy says, Ye know Professor I been hearing alot about intelligence lately kin
ye tell me, what is intelligence?

The Professor says, Why certainly Paddy but perhaps it would be easier if I showed you.

So the Professor looks around and spots a large tree.

He walks over to it and places the palm of his hand on the tree about eye level and says.

Ok Paddy come over here and hit my hand.

Paddy scratches his head and says, But what has that to do with Intelligence? I don't want
to hurt ye Professor.

Don't worry about me, says the Professor, just hit my hand and give it your best shot Paddy.

Well ... alright Professor if ye insist but don't ye be saying I didn't give you fair warning, I got me
a mean right fist.

So Paddy pulls back his fist and slams it at the Professors hand.

At the last instant the Professor, however, pulls his hand away and Paddy slams his fist into
the tree.

Now Paddy is hopping around and shaking his sore hand and he says,

Och Professor, why would you be doing such a thing.

Why Paddy, The Professor answers ... that is intelligence.

Paddy has a think about this and he thinks and he thinks and he suddenly grins.  Aye so it is Professor, so it is.


The next day Paddy and his mate Angus are out in a field when Paddy says

Hey Angus, the Professor and me was in the Park yesterday and he taught me the meaning of
Intelligence.  It was a fine thing he taught me.

Angus say, Intelligence ye say Paddy Intelligence? Aye a fine thing that would be ta know indeed, can ye teach it to me do ye think?

Paddy says why surely surely Angus I kin do better than teach ye, I kin show ye!

So Paddy looks around the field for a tree and there is none in site, he scratches his head and his beard looks around again, alas no
tree ...

so he looks back at Angus, sighs, shrugs his shoulders and then light bulb goes off in his head

He places his palm on his forehead and says hit my hand.

"I warn you, whoever you are, oh you who wish to probe the arcanes of nature, if you do not find within yourself that which you seek, neither shall you find it outside.
If you ignore the excellencies of your own house, how do you intend to find other excellencies?
In you is hidden the treasure of treasures, Oh man, know thyself and you shall know the Universe and the Gods."

Inscription - Temple of Delphi

#1236    Dark Shadows

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Posted 10 June 2011 - 11:07 PM

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."
-- H. P. LOVECRAFT

#1237    ninjaeclipse

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 03:53 PM

Heres mine =)


One day dracula decided to take his son out and teach him how to hunt. They waited for the night to fall and waited on a rooftop outside of a bar. After a few mins they noticed to drunk guys came out. "Ok!" said dracula, "This is the chance, I will fly over and drink the blood from one of the guys, that way you can see how i did it and  you can have the next one". So dracula waits for one of the guys to stay behind and he jumps on him and bites the neck and sucks the blood. He then returns and tells his son, "ok its your turn, make me proud. So little dracula waited for the perfect moment, suddently the drunk guy decided to go pee without realizing his friend was no longer there, as he unzips and starts releaving little dracula jumps for the kill. Then dracula freaks out and screams NO SON!!! NOT THE PENIS!!!!!! THE NECK, THE NEEECKKK!!!!!!, then little dracula looks back and says BUTTT DADDD i like it with a strawww! =) :clap:


#1238    ninjaeclipse

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 04:08 PM

One more =)
no offence to anyone

So, one day there was a plane that started malfuctioning in mid-air. The captain then announced; "I am sorry to inform but in order arrive and land the phone safely we will need to throw away all the luagage because there is too much weight on the plain.

everybody gives their belonging and all the luagage is thrown

"I am sorry to inform says the captain but that didnt help much, We will have to start throwing people off the plane if we want to survive and ive developed a system that will make it fair for all of us. We will be throwing out people using the a,b,c method.

some people got nervous and some felt same..

Ok, says the captain, here we got.

"A" , the letter A, any AFRICAN AMERICAN people in the plane?
silence, nobody answers,
ok...says the captain,

"B", the letter B, any Black people in the plane?

silence again, nobody answers,

OKKK, says the captain,

"C" the letter C, any colored people in the plane?
again, nobody answered

then this little black boy asked his mom, "mom, arent we african american?
NO SON, not today replies the mom
then the little boy asked again, mom arent we black?
no, no son not today
then he asked, mom arent we colored people?
NO! no, not today!! says the mom
THEN WHAT ARE WE!!!! says the little black boy
The mom then says, TODAY we are ******s, so let the Mexicans go first
suddently with a smirk on his face the little black boy looks at the little mexican boy behind him. then the mexican boy looks at him and says, *****, im a wetback!

:w00t:  :innocent:  :P
again no offence
then the boy asked,


#1239    Eldorado

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Posted 28 June 2011 - 06:43 PM

Q: What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

A: One of them mucks about in fountains.....


#1240    Eldorado

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Posted 01 July 2011 - 07:27 PM

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

“Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.”

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

“Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

-- Jack Handy

Edited by Eldorado, 01 July 2011 - 07:32 PM.


#1241    Kittehness

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Posted 15 July 2011 - 05:57 AM

I made this up in the shower. :P

"Baa baa black sheep have you any wool?" - Sing
"Of course I do you idiot, I'm a sheep! I got a bag here, a bag here, and a bag here, for you, you and the guy that lives down the street." - Say

:w00t:

If at first you do not succeed... Oh well to skydiving!

#1242    aNoNymOus XO

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 11:21 PM

The trouble with my husband is that he has a wait problem.

Every time I want sex, he says, "Wait."


#1243    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 01:52 PM

View PostEldorado, on 01 July 2011 - 07:27 PM, said:

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

“Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.”

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

“Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

-- Jack Handy
Jack Handy Rules! :tu:

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

Posted Image


#1244    maca02

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  • ALL HAIL THE ALE


    "There is no truth. There is only perception.”
    Gustave Flaubert

Posted 11 August 2011 - 02:41 AM

I have just bought my mother inlaw a pair of crotchless panties for her birthday,
not to make her look sexy,
but to help her get a better grip on her broomstick...........................








To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my combat jacket,
you can hide but you cant run...........................

ALL HAIL THE ALE

#1245    maca02

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  • ALL HAIL THE ALE


    "There is no truth. There is only perception.”
    Gustave Flaubert

Posted 12 August 2011 - 12:43 AM

My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death, the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."





My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born?"

"No," I replied. "I've got his girlfriend pregnant."

Edited by maca02, 12 August 2011 - 01:13 AM.

ALL HAIL THE ALE




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