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Official Unified Jokes Thread


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#1246    Hazzard

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Posted 02 December 2011 - 08:34 AM

I get them all, but never laughed once... Too clean for me, I guess.  :blush:

I still await the compelling Exhibit A.

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*The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. -Edmund Burke

#1247    spud the mackem

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Posted 18 December 2011 - 10:14 PM

2 irish guys rented a boat and went out fishing for the day,after about 3 hours they had a boat load of fish,so Paddy says "Wow we should come to this spot more often,how can we tell where we are ?"."Well",says Mike ,"we can always put an X on the back of the boat "."No use ",says Paddy,"we might not get the same boat next week"......No offence to the Irish...."Slainte"

(1) try your best, ............if that dont work.
(2) try your second best, ........if that dont work
(3) give up you aint gonna win

#1248    spud the mackem

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Posted 18 December 2011 - 10:38 PM

2 Irish lads were in the Fastnet Yacht Race,when there was heavy weather and the boat began to sink,they just had time to get into their dinghy and down went the yacht,then the weather became calm,they were 60 miles off the Irish coast and had no distress flares or mobile/cell phones."Have a look in the locker and see if there is any water,says Murphy,so Duff looks there and finds an empty old bottle,but no water,"Ar give it a rub we might get a Leprechaun to help us,and sure enough a Leprechaun pops out of the bottle when Duff rubs it."I can only grant yez one wish before I disappear so whats it gonna be ?,says the wee cratur.As quick as a flash Murphy says,"Turn the sea into Guinness,and whoosh the sea for 3 miles around was turned in to the black gold.and the little chap disappeared."Why did you do that ?" says Duff,"we could have asked to be put ashore"."Well I figured that if I am gonna die I'll go out happy,so lets slurp a few pints of this stuff".Which they proceeded to do,and after about 2 hours Duff says "Hey Murph,do yee realise the we shall have to pee inside the boat now to be sure"........

(1) try your best, ............if that dont work.
(2) try your second best, ........if that dont work
(3) give up you aint gonna win

#1249    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 27 December 2011 - 05:00 PM

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those b******* at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna


"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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#1250    diana prince

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 02:52 AM

omg hahahahahah that was hilarious!!!

]]Having a zombie problem? Just look for The D.E.A.D Zombie League!

#1251    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 11 January 2012 - 09:34 PM

A daughter walks up to her mom and says "Why'd you name me Rose?"
Her mom said "When you were born, a rose fell on your head."

A second daughter come over and said "Why'd you name me Daisy?"
Her mom said "When you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

The third daughter came over and said "heilslkwkquaooiupapjspn" and
her mom said "SHUT UP REFRIGERATOR!"

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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#1252    ealdwita

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 10:16 PM

I always know when my mother-in-law is coming to stay - My Rottweiler hides under the kitchen table!

"G a wyrd swa hio scel, ac gecnwan n gef!": "Fate goes ever as she shall, but know thine enemy!".

"I was born with a priceless gift - the ability to laugh at other peoples' troubles" - Dame Edna Everage

#1253    NightReaper

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 04:14 PM

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,  or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

"Dont Fear The Reaper Baby, You Know You Want To See Whats Under My Robe."

#1254    itsnotoutthere

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 08:17 PM

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?".

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist. "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a Man United supporter, an MP, and anything French!"

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
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#1255    The Unseen

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Posted 16 May 2012 - 07:41 AM

Whats the last thing going through a bugs mind when he hit's your windshield?
His a$$.


#1256    Child of Bast

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 12:56 PM

A blind man, thirsty, walks into an unfamiliar bar.  Unknown to him, it's Lady Biker Night.

He approaches the bar, and orders an ale.  After a sip, he asks,  "Hey barkeep!  Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Every head turns.

"Listen, pal," she tells the blind man, "I'm blonde, 115 kilos and six feet tall.  There is a blonde martial arts instructor sitting to your right.  The blonde to your left just got out of prison.  The blonde standing behind you is a professional wrestler with anger management issues.  The bouncer you walked past, blonde, hates smart **** men."

She edged close to his face and growled, "Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

"Are you crazy?  I'm not explaining a joke five times!"

'A phantom,' said my Uncle Mycroft, who had just materialised, 'is essentially a heteromorphic wave pattern that gains solidity when the apparition converts thermal energy from the surroundings to visible light. It's a fascinating process and I'm amazed no one has thought of harnessing it - a holographic TV that could operate from the heat given off by an average-size guinea pig.' ~ First Among Sequels, Jasper Fforde

#1257    Old Man Waffles

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Posted 21 May 2012 - 05:44 PM

View PostOffeiriad, on 17 May 2012 - 12:56 PM, said:

A blind man, thirsty, walks into an unfamiliar bar.  Unknown to him, it's Lady Biker Night.

He approaches the bar, and orders an ale.  After a sip, he asks,  "Hey barkeep!  Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Every head turns.

"Listen, pal," she tells the blind man, "I'm blonde, 115 kilos and six feet tall.  There is a blonde martial arts instructor sitting to your right.  The blonde to your left just got out of prison.  The blonde standing behind you is a professional wrestler with anger management issues.  The bouncer you walked past, blonde, hates smart **** men."

She edged close to his face and growled, "Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

"Are you crazy?  I'm not explaining a joke five times!"


Roses are red, violets are blue, but that's what they tell me, because im blind.


#1258    Old Man Waffles

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Posted 21 May 2012 - 05:48 PM

whats the difference between a ginger and a brick?

a brick gets laid xP


#1259    White Crane Feather

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Posted 22 May 2012 - 03:47 PM

Jesus a deciple and a Hindu guru were all fishing together off the shores of Galalie. They were having philosophical discussions, multiplying fish, and drinking the wine Jesus made from water.

Then Jesus stands up and says
"well I have got to go pee" he walks across the water does the deed. Comes back.

A few minutes latter the deciple says
"my turn, lord Jesus may I be granted safe passage"

Jesus says, "it is done"

The deciple walks across the water does the deed comes back.

When the Gurus turn came to relieve himself, he looked nervously at the water. Surely I am as enlightened as these two he thought. He steps off the boat. His last thought before sinking was I am one with the water.

The deciple, looking over the side of the boat in concern, turns to Jesus.

" do you think we should have told him about the rocks ?"

Jesus shrugs.

Edited by Seeker79, 22 May 2012 - 03:48 PM.

"I wish neither to possess, Nor to be possessed. I no longer covet paradise, more important, I no longer fear hell. The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, But I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light.  Unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, Consuming myself. "
Bruce Lee-

#1260    BiffSplitkins

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 12:19 PM

I just read a thread from Karlis that made me remember this joke:

A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, he sees a freezer full of vanilla ice cream.


Vanilla ice cream is this penguins favorite ice cream of all time.

He climbs into a freezer and ate all of the vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "NO way, that's vanilla ice-cream!"


Edited by BiffSplitkins, 31 July 2012 - 12:20 PM.

"The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" -Abraham Lincoln, 1864

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