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Official Unified Jokes Thread


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#16    Bone_Collector

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 04:15 AM

Beethoven joke
------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost

#17    mypaddedroom

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 06:15 AM

OK hope this one ain't to bad...


One day the Rooster and a very clumsy pussy cat were walking. They were trying to get across town since it just stopped raining. So they had were walking quickly over a bridge before it started raining again since cats don't like to get wet. So the Rooster said hurry before  it starts raining again. So they are crossing the bridge and the clumsy cat slips and falls in a puddle. So the rooster can't help, but laugh! So this story goes to prove wherever you see a wet pussy you'll find a happy c***....


laugh.gif  rofl.gif   clap.gif


#18    *MoG*

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 11:31 AM


THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEAR STORIES


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the  coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.





I HAVEN'T MADE THE F- - - - - - PORRIDGE YET !!"



#19    Bone_Collector

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 12:41 PM

Good one Mystic Mog!  laugh.gif

Famous Quotes   grin2.gif
---------------------------------
Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

--Sam Kinison


----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.

--H. L. Mencken


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
- U2


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "

--Anonymous

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost

#20    AliceCoopersGirl

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 02:09 PM

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

Posted Image  
Posted Image

#21    Elvis

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Posted 15 February 2005 - 06:09 PM

Nice one AliceCoopersGirl!  And further to that joke...

A husband and wife are in a car, driving through an area of countryside (with fields etc.), and have just had a MASSIVE argument which remained unresolved, so there's a "furious silence" between them and they are looking out opposite sides of the car.

The wife suddenly spots some cows in a field, and thinks about a way she can get a sarcastic remark in at her husband.

"Relatives of yours?" she points to the animals in the field and speaks in a careless tone.
"Yes," replies the husband extremely quickly, without faltering. "In-laws..."

tongue.gif

Edited by ElvisHendrx0, 15 February 2005 - 06:10 PM.

Posted Image
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!




The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!




...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...

#22    mypaddedroom

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 03:26 AM

haha nice one! laugh.gif


#23    Bone_Collector

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 12:55 PM

The following is an advertisement from a real-life newspaper, which appeared
four days in a row , the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.  

MONDAY:   For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.  

TUESDAY Notice:   We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."  

WEDNESDAY Notice:    R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:  "For sale: R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him.  

THURSDAY Notice:   "I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I
haven't been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my house
keeper but she quit!"  

laugh.gif

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost

#24    Silent-Storm

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 06:03 PM

Sorry but this is kinda clean.. grin2.gif

A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a
bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly
and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to
this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
coming?
That was me!"

Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
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#25    Elvis

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 06:55 PM

Very clean indeed!  ohmy.gif  thumbsup.gif

Posted Image
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!




The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!




...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...

#26    Silent-Storm

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:19 PM

LOL, one try's... tongue.gif
Any way here is another realy stupid one.....

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
Posted Image

#27    Silent-Storm

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:31 PM

And yet another one wink2.gif

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."








Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
Posted Image

#28    Elvis

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:39 PM

Yeah that first one defintiely funny to Brits since BSE ran riot here years ago!
Second one great!

Posted Image
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!




The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!




...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...

#29    Silent-Storm

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:43 PM

There only jokes ElvisHendrx0, there not ment to offend any one in any way..

Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
Posted Image

#30    Elvis

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Posted 16 February 2005 - 07:54 PM

This didn't come across very well, but I meant that I thought they were really funny!

Soz about that

Edited by ElvisHendrx0, 16 February 2005 - 07:55 PM.

Posted Image
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!




The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!




...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...




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