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Now let's get these jokes rolling..
This post has been edited by Silent-Storm: 16 February 2005 - 08:00 PM
Official Unified Jokes Thread
Keep them clean please !
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#32
- Astral Projection
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- Location:Co Durham uk
Posted 16 February 2005 - 08:56 PM
This one is for ElvisHendrx0.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."....
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."....
Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
and what your left with,
is what it is...
#33
- Tom Frickin' Conger!
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Lord, You touch my heavy heart, and when You do, You make it light.
Posted 16 February 2005 - 09:22 PM
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
#34
- Tom Frickin' Conger!
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- Group: Member
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- Location:Michigan
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Lord, You touch my heavy heart, and when You do, You make it light.
Posted 16 February 2005 - 09:29 PM
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
#35
- Majestic 12 Operative
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Life's Like A Book, But I'm Just Skimming Through The Pages...
Posted 17 February 2005 - 05:16 AM
Nice one haha^ I gotta get some more jokes so I can be the funiet guy here! Now I got competition!
Last login was 7/28/08 I'm Back 5/16/09...
#36
- -> SkEpToMaNiAc <-
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You savvy?
Posted 17 February 2005 - 06:54 AM
Competition begins...
Math Class
---------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like
the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..
Math Class
---------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question..
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and
you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly
away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like
the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If
there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one
licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the
third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring
on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..
The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost
#37
- -> SkEpToMaNiAc <-
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- Group: Member
- Posts: 1,334
- Joined: 05-October 04
- Gender:Male
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You savvy?
Posted 17 February 2005 - 06:56 AM
On the 8's
-------------
What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
-------------
What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost
#38
- -> SkEpToMaNiAc <-
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- Group: Member
- Posts: 1,334
- Joined: 05-October 04
- Gender:Male
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You savvy?
Posted 17 February 2005 - 07:04 AM
Don't mess with women !
------------------------------
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
.......
........
.........
........
.........
.........
.........
.........
The wife replied,
"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "
------------------------------
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
.......
........
.........
........
.........
.........
.........
.........
The wife replied,
"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "
The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost
#39
- -> SkEpToMaNiAc <-
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- Group: Member
- Posts: 1,334
- Joined: 05-October 04
- Gender:Male
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You savvy?
Posted 17 February 2005 - 07:15 AM
One more...
Two guys were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two guys suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
boss. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and
hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a
metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the boss emerged from the Branch Head's office at the
far end of the floor. He saw the guy hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," barked the boss.
"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back
here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the guy answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second guy was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
Two guys were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two guys suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
boss. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and
hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a
metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the boss emerged from the Branch Head's office at the
far end of the floor. He saw the guy hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," barked the boss.
"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back
here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the guy answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second guy was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... and miles to go before I sleep ~Robert Frost
#41
- Tom Frickin' Conger!
-
- Group: Member
- Posts: 1,298
- Joined: 05-July 04
- Location:Michigan
-
Lord, You touch my heavy heart, and when You do, You make it light.
Posted 17 February 2005 - 07:22 PM
maybe i'm just dumb, but the one about the fish and the pajamas went right over my head.... 
This post has been edited by Jesus_Freak: 17 February 2005 - 07:22 PM
#42
- Astral Projection
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- Group: Member
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- Gender:Male
- Location:Scotland
Posted 17 February 2005 - 11:06 PM
LOL Jesus_Freak, perhpas it's not your day
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!
The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!
...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...
#43
- Astral Projection
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- Group: Member
- Posts: 683
- Joined: 20-October 04
- Gender:Male
- Location:Scotland
Posted 17 February 2005 - 11:18 PM
One-liners off the top of my head:
How do you know your mother-in-law is at the door?
Because the mice hurl themselves on the traps...
What did KFC say when the chicken crossed the road?
"Dammit, we missed one! "
What did George Bush say when the chicken crossed the road?
"The chicken obviously misunderuninterpreted the road as being clear when it was clearly not clear. Clear?"
What has four legs and flies?
A cow.
Keep thinking... 
If your friend happens to say to you "God, I could murder a bowl of cornflakes right about now," then you should stay well away from her in the future.
Why?
Because she's a serial killer
Well, I sincerely hope they were the worst jokes you've ever read. As I said before, right off the top of my head. And my head isn't exactly Einstein material.
That's my excuse and I'm stickin to it
Well its 20 past 11 at nite here and I need rest.
G'nite all (Brits anyway)
How do you know your mother-in-law is at the door?
Because the mice hurl themselves on the traps...
What did KFC say when the chicken crossed the road?
"Dammit, we missed one! "
What did George Bush say when the chicken crossed the road?
"The chicken obviously misunderuninterpreted the road as being clear when it was clearly not clear. Clear?"
What has four legs and flies?
A cow.
Keep thinking... If your friend happens to say to you "God, I could murder a bowl of cornflakes right about now," then you should stay well away from her in the future.
Why?
Because she's a serial killer
Well, I sincerely hope they were the worst jokes you've ever read. As I said before, right off the top of my head. And my head isn't exactly Einstein material.
That's my excuse and I'm stickin to it
Well its 20 past 11 at nite here and I need rest.
G'nite all (Brits anyway)
The Ibanez RG2570EX - My guitar! Yay!
The King is still very much alive and in the building - but only here on UM, so enough already with the conspiracy theories!
...OK, maybe I did have a brief stint in a Texas gas station, but that was in the 80's...
#44
- Astral Projection
-
- Group: Member
- Posts: 713
- Joined: 21-October 04
- Location:Co Durham uk
Posted 17 February 2005 - 11:22 PM
Good night Elvis, enjoyed ya jokes.
So here is another....
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"...
So here is another....
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"...
This post has been edited by Silent-Storm: 17 February 2005 - 11:39 PM
Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
and what your left with,
is what it is...
#45
- Astral Projection
-
- Group: Member
- Posts: 713
- Joined: 21-October 04
- Location:Co Durham uk
Posted 17 February 2005 - 11:26 PM
And another..
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"....
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"....
This post has been edited by Silent-Storm: 17 February 2005 - 11:27 PM
Eliminate what it isn't,
and what your left with,
is what it is...
and what your left with,
is what it is...