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Writing a short story.


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10 replies to this topic

#1    Phantom

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Posted 28 October 2003 - 07:04 PM

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.

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#2    emmy

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Posted 28 October 2003 - 08:51 PM

  laugh.gif Well its descriptive!!


#3    Blood Angel

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 01:15 AM

Heh a witty first paragraph its great, i don't think there are limits on a speciifc firstline, but first impressions are always best, when will the full story be ready?

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#4    ShadyLady

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 01:56 AM

Very clever, Phantom.    laugh.gif  


#5    Kryso

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 02:11 AM


Hope you donít think Iím being rude, but the first paragraph is what catches the individualís attention when they pick up a book. Or what a publisher notices. Not sure if your doing it simply for fun, or wanting to get published once itís finished?
Thereís a book called ďThe First 5 Pages.Ē I forget who wrote it - but there canít be many books with that title - the book explains how to get noticed, and what the publishers are looking for.

And being very rude, lol, heís your first chapter back edited, lol. Sorry couldnít resist. Can send me an Internet slap if you wish? crying.gif


Phantom and the missing Countess

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place. The thought stuck with him throughout the remainder of the day. It was like a niggling, persistent thought, swimming in the back of his subconsciousness.
Then, just after he juggled time for lunch, it hit him, while looking down at his flattened misshaped sandwich. For some reason it reminded him of those tiny little bits of the circumferential skin from the bologna slices, the ones from the foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio, that get stuck in-between the last two molars on the upper left, that your tongue can't quite reach, having to resort to using a toothpick, which also doesnít work, nor does your fingernail or even a systematically straightened paper clip. They just sit there and make everything you eat taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise. Then somehow; quietly but miraculously; they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night - just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.



#6    blazeboy84

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 02:56 AM

Did you write that or did you copy and paste it? Phantom.  


#7    Kryso

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 03:25 AM

Of course he cut and pasted itÖ from his own computer, where he has been working on his new book. Why are some people so sceptical of others?



#8    Phantom

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 10:50 AM

  laugh.gif Actually, Kryso, this has been a joke. Naughty me.

It's a cut 'n paste from a humorous site, on which the original was titled: "Bad Metaphor / Simile".

Very perceptive, Blazeboy84.  thumbsup.gif


And Kryso, to be honest, your editing did make it more readable. You should consider working for a publisher.


"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability..." - Agent Smith
"Apfelschnaps, it's more than skindeep" - Kismit
"OK, don't quote me anymore..." - Mentalcase


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#9    Kryso

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 04:24 PM

  grin2.gif  laugh.gif  rolleyes.gif Lol, you got me anyway! But Iím rubbish at editing, when my books are complete I need a overhaul by my publishers editors, lol.  crying.gif  





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