[FrankBlunt]

Below are the minimum and extended versions of the Miranda Warning, read to those detained by law enforcement officials in the United States. In the minimum version, notice that ANYTHING can and WILL be used against the suspect in a court of law. The use of MAY in the extended version is paramount to reduce time spent by attorneys with discovery issues, not to mention fruitless topics during formalities and direct/cross examination. I composed an opening statement to illustrate my crackpot theory as to why the language was modified. And, yes... I have a great deal of time on my hands.

Based on the minimum version, write your most outrageous opening statement, or shake your head and let this thread fade into the annals of subsequent pages to which no one responds. My contribution appears below the text of Miranda.

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The following is a minimal Miranda warning, as outlined in the Miranda v Arizona case.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to be speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.

The following is a much more verbose Miranda warning, designed to cover all bases that a detainee might encounter while in police custody. A detainee may be asked to sign a statement acknowledging the following.

You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Do you understand?
Anything you do say may be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?
You have the right to consult an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present during questioning now or in the future. Do you understand?
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you before any questioning if you wish. Do you understand?
If you decide to answer questions now without an attorney present you will still have the right to stop answering at any time until you talk to an attorney. Do you understand?
Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without an attorney present?

Source

Deputy District Attorney- Ladies and gentleman of the jury: Mr. Ned Smith has been charged with one count of residential burglary and public drunkenness. Smith entered the home on 123 Jones St. at approximately 10:30PM on September 1st of 2006, and was apprehended shortly thereafter by Officer Bill Johnson following a 9-1-1 call from a neighbor who noticed him in the vicinity squeezing a finger-length, white object.

At the time of the defendant's arrest, a partial confession as to his likes and dislikes was procured by Officer Johnson in an attempt to calm him and forge a rapport.

Smith's favorite ice cream flavor is Choco-Nut Crunch, but it will be evidenced over the course of these precedings that peanut intake has been documented to generate severe allergic reaction in those suffering intolerance to oils contained therein. Medical records will clearly show that Smith presented to St. Mary's Hospital with peanut-related hives in October of 2003.

Smith's Aunt Sally gave him a key chain last Christmas with a rabbit foot charm purported to bestow miraculous fortune upon those who stroke the fur regularly. Having been arrested for burglary while in the act of utilizing the key chain, the fur was presumed synthetic. A lab technician and paranormal investigator have been summoned as expert witnesses to testify on the matters of fiber and serendipity.

This post has been edited by FrankBlunt: 11 September 2006 - 03:11 PM

[Maelstrom5]

You have the right to remain happy. Anything you say can and will be used against you at any point in your lifetime. You have the right to say and think whatever you want, as long as you don't trod upon the toes of others. If you cannot avoid toe-trodding, unwanted opinions from others will be provided to you, free of charge.

This post has been edited by Maelstrom5: 11 September 2006 - 08:22 PM

[Celumnaz]

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the fur was presumed synthetic

I can picture that mucking up a trial or hearing.

[FrankBlunt]

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You have the right to remain happy. Anything you say can and will be used against you at any point in your lifetime...

The Maelstrom Warning: I love it! I knew you'd feel compelled to contribute with Miranda being an Arizona case. Now, if we can just replace our nation's attorneys with unwanted opinions. When I think of class action lawyers especially, the "Chained together at the bottom of the ocean" joke comes to mind.

Okay, new challenges for the thread:

1) Rewrite Miranda
or
2) Counter with a defense opening statement to an existing prosecutorial one, or vice versa.

[Maelstrom5]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury:

During the course of this trial, evidence will be presented that not only acquits the defendant of the ridiculous charges set forth by this court, it will also seek to prove that Ned Smith was not drunk at the time of the arrest and had only wandered into the home located at 123 Jones in error, unintentionally frightening the residents at said domicile while seeking medical attention.

Defense counsel intends to prove that the state of inebriation was not inebriation but in fact the defendant displaying the symptoms of mild anaphylactic shock. The small white object of indeterminate fur content was not brandished as a weapon, but was actually meant to fend off four leprechauns in purple pants that allegedly harangued Mr. Smith approximately twenty-six minutes after the defendant consumed the aforementioned Choco-Nut Crunch ice cream, just prior to the defendant's sudden illness. The defendant, unable to speak at the time in question, had attempted to communicate his respiratory distress to the alleged victim by 'air-writing' the word 'help' with the object. Defense asks for additional time to gather corraborating testimony from additional witnesses pertaining to the events of that evening. Unfortunately, the leprechauns have not responded to attempts by defense counsel to contact them by phone, posted letter or physical service of subpoena as hostile witnesses. Defense counsel is currently consulting an Ouija board and is tracking rainbow sightings, so an extension of seventy-two hours will be required to secure this testimony. A strong cold front coming down out of the north is predicted to bring rain to the area within the requested time period, thus increasing the chance of a rainbow appearance and enabling contact of these witnesses. All briefs will be copied and turned over to the prosecution as required. These will include any Fruit-of-the-Loom and Hanes brand worn by the defendant and witnesses on the night in question.

We will also prove that the rabbit's foot brandished by the defendant could not have caused the mild injury to the forehead of Mrs. Lilliput Bean, resident of 123 Jones Ave, and instead we will show that Mrs. Bean's injury was self-inflicted when upon stepping out onto the porch after having been ding-dong-ditched by the alleged leprechauns, she stepped on a yard implement left there inadvertently by the alleged victim's alleged son. The handle of said implement flew upward, colliding with Mrs. Bean's cranium. The resulting goose-egg and subdural hematoma caused Mrs. Bean to become momentarily delirious and she in fact mistook my client for the actual perpetrator and the rabbit's foot as the blunt object that caused the blunt trauma to her forehead. My client was unable to respond to Mrs. Bean's panicked queries because his throat had swollen shut, which explains his repeated use of the word 'Glarg!' during the course of the incident. We patiently await the report from the forensics laboratory on the content and ballistics testings of Exhibit A-1, the rabbit's foot and chemical testing of Exhibit A-2, the collected contents of the defendant's stomach. Counsel for the defendant believes this evidence will rule out any culpability on the part of the defendant for the alleged burglary of Mrs. Bean's residence and public drunkenness. The defendant, Ned Smith, wishes to testify on his own behalf to clear his name and ensure that one day the "Real Criminals" will be caught.

How's that?

This post has been edited by Maelstrom5: 12 September 2006 - 11:50 PM

[FrankBlunt]

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How's that?

Ouch! You've outdone yourself, Jillian. The incumbent Deputy D.A.'s re-election bid is in jeopardy. But wait until he gets those fiber, fur and serendipity experts on the stand...

Nice double-meaning with the briefs. Would that be considered commercial correctness in listing the two major competitors? I'm throwing in BVD to see if the web page becomes plastered with underwear ads: anything to prevent attorneys from buying space and cashing in on my wacky ideas.

[FrankBlunt]

I've deviated from the Miranda Warning, but below is the prosecution's opening statement in play format. Who's up for the challenge?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

D.A. Watkins: Ladies and men of the jury,

We all know men are stereotypically repressed or hostile, and I'm tired of saying gentle.

Judge Edwards: Mr. Watkins, I do appreciate your attempts to rectify social iniquities as viewed from your limited world perspective, but please refrain from editorializing in the future.

Watkins: My sincerest apologies, Your Honor.

Non-judgmental members of the jury,

[Judge rolls eyes, leans forward, and covers face with hands]

Throughout this trial, I want you to remember the defendant's confession:

"I accept that I allowed my time to expire, but I swear I was asleep in my car when I choked the meter maid to death."

Allow me to repeat it:

"I swear I choked the meter maid to death."

Stenographer Prudence Stanwyck: Pardon me, Mr. Watkins, but there's a discrepancy in your quotes.

[Watkins sneers and serves a stink eye in the direction of Prudence]

Watkins: I'm making a point if you don't mind, Stenographer Stanwyck.

Prudence: Very well. I'll note your error in the record.

Watkins: But it's not an error!

Prudence: I'm sorry, but there isn't a shorthand code for sneaky legal maneuvering.

[Watkins shakes his head and sighs with a cornucopia of defeat, yet sustaining an air of elitism]

Watkins: Make no mistake about it, ladies and gen...grr!...Eh hem...men of the jury. To say that she was asleep when she committed the crime is an admission of guilt by Jessica Simpleton, the defendant sitting over yonder. How else would she know that she asphyxiated the defenseless meter maid... Sorry, parking meter inspection analyst... if she were asleep? Throughout this hearing, the defense will present a plethora of eye witnesses from the scene of the crime, spouting nonsense such as:

"She was singing "Pop Goes the Weasel" and seemed to believe the meter maid's neck was a Jack-in-the-Box crank."

"Her eyes were rolled back in her head as if she was possessed, or she has a super pale complexion."

"I'll tell you whatever you want to hear, but please point me toward the nearest restroom?"

Pay no attention to them, jurors. Hey, I like that! Jurors...Jurors... Short and sweet: zippy, too.

Judge: You're in contempt, Mr. Watkins. This is your final warning. Jurors, gentle or not, are obligated to heed witness testimony. Continue, please.

Watkins: Parking Meter Inspection Analyst Beverly Ann DeWitt-Karapetyan was murdered on August 22nd, 2006 by the hands of Jessica Simpleton. This is an undisputed fact. No matter the whereabouts of Ms. Simpleton's soul or the viability of her grey matter on the afternoon in question, you must deliver a verdict of guilt on the count of 2nd degree murder, and a fine of 25 cents for the additional 15 minutes of parking.

This post has been edited by FrankBlunt: 12 September 2006 - 10:47 PM

[Maelstrom5]

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I've deviated from the Miranda Warning, but below is the prosecution's opening statement in play format. Who's up for the challenge?

I certainly am - I'll be defense counsel if you like. We also need witnesses for the defense and the prosecution. Any takers?

I'm still laughing about the "Parking Meter Inspection Analyst" "

I'll work on the defense's opening statement based on the case you've just presented. Be prepared when I call my first witness to the stand: Halsworth "Pizza Face" Longfellow, age 17, full-time student and part-time Burger Technician.

[FrankBlunt]

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I certainly am - I'll be defense counsel if you like. We also need witnesses for the defense and the prosecution. Any takers?

I can't wait, Jillian! Make Shakespeare proud. Or would that be 'Snake'speare in a courtroom?

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I'm still laughing about the "Parking Meter Inspection Analyst" "

As you already know, I go out of my way to mock political correctness whenever possible.

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Be prepared when I call my first witness to the stand: Halsworth "Pizza Face" Longfellow, age 17, full-time student and part-time Burger Technician.

I hope Pizza Face isn't a certified flame-broiler and deep fried vegetable artisan.

This post has been edited by FrankBlunt: 13 September 2006 - 01:59 PM

[Maelstrom5]

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Watkins: Parking Meter Inspection Analyst Beverly Ann DeWitt-Karapetyan was murdered on August 22nd, 2006 by the hands of Jessica Simpleton. This is an undisputed fact. No matter the whereabouts of Ms. Simpleton's soul or the viability of her grey matter on the afternoon in question, you must deliver a verdict of guilt on the count of 2nd degree murder, and a fine of 25 cents for the additional 15 minutes of parking.

State V Jessica Simpleton

J. M. Five, Lawyer for the Defendant, takes her position in front of the jury.

Five: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, uh, I mean Male and Female Humans of the Jury.

Judge: Ms. Five, are you well?

Five: Yessir, yer Honor sir. I'm feelin' super duper - thanks for asking! [Fumbles and drops her notebook and begins chewing on her fingernail]

Judge: I only asked because your legs are shaking and you seem about to faint. Bailiff! Get the Defense a glass of water.

[Bailiff rolls eyes and departs, comes back with a paper cone filled with Sparkletts. J.M. Five accepts it with a hearty 'Ah-Thankya,' drinks and then chokes]

Five: (clearing throat) Sorry y'all - went down the wrong pipe.

Judge: Get on with it, Counselor.

Five: (still holding the paper cone-cup): I'm here today to represent the Defendant, Miss Jessica Simpleton

Simpleton (bursting into song): These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do (voice low and sultry, points 'disco gun' hand sign at the Jury] And one of these days these boots're gonna walk all over you...

Watkins: Objection! The defendant sounds nothing like Jessica Simpson or Nancy Sinatra.

Judge: Sustained. Ms. Five, please control your client or I'll have her removed from the courtroom.

Five: Sir, Yes Sir! [Drops the cup, snaps a quick salute, shoots a dark 'shut up' look at the defendant, and turns back to the jury] During the course of this here trial I intend to prove that my client is innocent of the crime of which she is accused. (glances at the Court Stenographer) Is that a 'which' or a 'that?' You'll have to pardon my grammar, y'all, but you'll get my meaning just the same.

Defense intends to show that though the defendant, Miss Simpleton, did appear to be throttling the meter maid, uh, I mean the Meter Parking Analyzation Inspector -

Watkins: Ummm... can I interject, Your Honor? That's supposed to be 'Parking Meter Inspection Analyst.'

Judge: Ms. Five, please go on

Watkins: (indignant) Not until Defense Counsel gets it right (sneers at J.M. Five)

Five: (returning the sneer with equal vigor) Whatever. Anyhow, the supposed confession was actually the lyrics to Miss Simpleton's latest song, "I Choked the Meter Maid," sung to the tune of "I Shot the Sheriff." It is only by sheer coincidence that the victim happened to be a Meter Maid, or as the Prosecution insists, an "Inspector of Parking Meter Analyzers." The words, "I accept that I allowed my time to expire, but I swear I was asleep in my car, when I choked the meter maid to death" are lines in the defendant's song. (Pulls type-written sheet of paper out of manila folder and hands it to the Judge). I ask that this evidence be entered at this time. It must be noted by the court that when Miss Simpleton sings, she has a strong southern accent, causing the words 'expire' and 'car' to rhyme.

I have also secured as witnesses the members of the defendant's pseudo country-pop band, "Wicked Slinky' to testify on her behalf as to the song's lyrics and the defendant's character and good name. (Back of the courtroom: Four heavily tattooed men in leather biker attire rise out of their seats and give each other high-fives and knuckle-knocks).

Five: (continuing) These witnesses will also include several bystanders who observed this here alleged crime.

Simpleton: Jessica Simpson is my fifth cuzzin, y'all, ten times removed

Five (in a gentle whisper through clenched teeth): Please shut your pie-hole. You're not helping. (Faces jury) Yes, the defendant WAS in fact asleep when the so-called murder took place. I've requested a medical specialist who will testify that not only is Miss Simpleton the fifth cuzzin ten times removed of Jessica Simpson, but she is also narcoleptic, having had an attack at the exact same time of Beverly Ann DeWitt-Karapetyan's demise. Upon awakening, Miss Simpleton's hands were clasped around the victim's throat, but she will testify that this was a failed attempt to do CPR on Miss Karapetyan prior to the narcoleptic attack. We will prove to this court that Miss Karapetyan's death came as a result of a horrible case of first aid gone awry, not murder.

(Five stares pointedly at the Jury)

You heard it here first, Folks.

We believe that the victim, locked in a struggle with Miss Simpleton's mother over the questionable placement of a tire boot on the defendant's 1979 Ford Galaxy, had accidently aspirated a hair curler. The loosened curler became lodged in Miss Karapetyan's throat and prior to the defendant's narcoleptic attack, Miss Simpleton was actually attempting to remove the object from the victim's windpipe.

Simpleton: (Looking sheepish) I got an 'F' in CPR class, ya'll

Judge: Miss Simpleton, this is your last warning. One more time and I'll hold you in contempt.

Simpleton: Okey-dokes, Daddy-O. ('zips' her mouth shut and throws away imaginary key)

Judge: Good. Ms. Five, please continue - and let's get to the point, shall we?

Five: (Visibly sweating) So anyways, I've got a list of witnesses so long you could roll it up and it'd be thicker than a roll of Charmin.

Watkins: Puh-leeze...

Five: That's all I've got for now, your honor. We await the first witness for the prosecution.

Judge (sighs): All right, we adjourn for now. Next phase begins testimony. Mr. Watkins? You're up.

[FrankBlunt]

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Watkins: Objection! The defendant sounds nothing like Jessica Simpson or Nancy Sinatra.

Watkins: Ummm... can I interject, Your Honor? That's supposed to be 'Parking Meter Inspection Analyst.'

Watkins: Puh-leeze...

Brilliant, Jillian! A stellar defense once again.

You've cast a flamboyant D.A. Watkins. That's my fault for not animating him with a sense of burliness. P.C. doesn't help his case either. I could hear the lisp as I read the text. Very well. There'll be a doozy of an examination with the State's first witness tomorrow.

[Maelstrom5]

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Brilliant, Jillian! A stellar defense once again.

You've cast a flamboyant D.A. Watkins. That's my fault for not animating him with a sense of burliness. P.C. doesn't help his case either. I could hear the lisp as I read the text. Very well. There'll be a doozy of an examination with the State's first witness tomorrow.

LOL - I was trying to make him sarcastic, not effeminate, sorry about that.

I'll await your further development of this character

[FrankBlunt]

I can already tell this is going to be labor intensive. It sure is entertaining, though. Tomorrow I'll write the questioning of the first witness.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

State V Jessica Simpleton

Bailiff Henderson: All rise! Court is now in session: The Honorable Judge Edward "Eddie" Edwards presiding.

[Judge emerges from his chambers, closes the door behind him, notes the presence of a napping D.A. Watkins, and plops into his black, leather chair.]

Judge: Please be seated, with the exception of Mr. Watkins who complied prematurely. Good morning J.M. Five Esquire, ladies and gentlemen (Raises his voice upon uttering gentle, causing Watkins' semi-conscious body to twitch) of the jury, spectators, homeless ruffians with the wherewithal to shower and willingness to surrender firearms in exchange for air conditioned space, Simpletons, and family of the late Ms. DeWitt-Karapetyan. MR. WATKINS! (Awaits signs of life.) CALL YOUR FIRST WITNESS!

Watkins: (Opens eyes, removes right hand from cheek, straightens posture, and swirls a yellow legal pad around the surface of the desk to dry his saliva pool while addressing the judge) Uh...Yes, Your Honor. The State calls... uh...uh...um... Angelina Jolie to the stand.

Five: (Shakes head in wonder) Objection, Your Honor. Ms. Jolie ain't no witness in this case.

Judge: (Sternly) Mr. Watkins? Were you dreaming when you failed to stand at my entrance?

Watkins: (Embarrassed) Yes, Your Honor. Sorry, I had to know if there was still hope.

Judge: (Cautiously curious) With you and Brad Pitt?

Watkins: (Giggles, blushes, extends arm, and waves his hand downward in protest) No, you silly... Angelina giving me fashion advice.

Judge: Watkins, you will refer to me as Your Silliness, but not outside the confines of my chambers.

Five: I object, Judge Edwards! (Adjusts dislodged chewing tobacco with her tongue after shouting.)

Judge: (Startled) Lower your voice, Five! And to whom or what do you object?

Five: (Confidently) You and Watkins.

Judge: (Nods head with furrowed brow) Yeah, I can see that. Call your first witness, Mr. Watkins... In State vs. Simpleton, please.

Watkins: The State calls Clifford Bigreddog to the stand

[Bailiff moseys from Judge Edward's flank to the rear courtoom doors]

Bailiff: Clifford Bigreddog! Mr. Bigreddog!

[Clifford occupies the bench where Bailiff Henderson commanded him to sit and stay 10 minutes ago.]

Clifford: (Visibly shaken, grabbing at his ears) I'm right here!

Bailiff: Sorry to keep you on such a short leash, but your presence is required in the courtroom. Follow me, please.

[As Bailiff Henderson and Clifford walk the aisle between guest seating areas, Clifford turns in Five's direction and can't escape the thought of how familiar she is.]

Clifford: (Not realizing that he's speaking aloud) Oh yeah! That ambulance chaser from the 1960s with the spittoon installed on the driver's side door of her Mercedes!

[Five blushes and thwarts her head to the left, away from Clifford's grinning face and glaring, bald head. Clifford takes the stand. Bailiff Henderson grabs the court's copy of Thomas Paine's Common Sense from the shelf.]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and...

Clifford: (Surprised) What is this? Where's The Good Book?

Judge: (Sneers) Don't interrupt the bailiff, Mr. Bigreddog. This one's good, too. Now pipe down.

[Clifford shakes his head and darts his eyes toward the jury for approval. Jury members sit in a state of apathy, lacking gentleness that Watkins was so keen to acknowledge.]

Bailiff: ...and nothing but the truth, so help you... uh...Who are we using this week, Your Honor?

Judge: Um... Let's settle for...uh...Heck, we'll go for Wayne Newton. It commands unequivocal divinity performing four shows a week in Vegas. Have you smelled that city lately? Shwew!

Bailiff: (Grinning idiotically at Judge's Las Vegas observation) So help you, Wayne Newton?

Clifford: (Dumbfounded) Sure, why not?

Judge: You're supposed to say, "I do.", but I'll accept a bit of Newton swagger. Prudence, please note Mr. Bigreddog's affirmation for the record.

Prudence: Yes, Your Honor. (At which point Prudence types "Prudence Stanwyck: Yes, Your Honor." in shorthand.)

Judge: (Winking at Prudence) Danke Schoen.

[Prudence rolls her eyes and grumbles at the additional effort in defining the foreign expression of gratitude.]

This post has been edited by FrankBlunt: 15 September 2006 - 01:34 AM

[Maelstrom5]

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Five: I object, Judge Edwards! (Adjusts dislodged chewing tobacco with her tongue after shouting.)

Touche on the increased 'butch' demeanor on the part of Ms. Five, LOL. I can envision the flannel shirt and hear the tinkling of the chain on her wallet

Awesome - can't wait to hear from your first witness. *You're right - this IS entertaining.

[FrankBlunt]

[Bailiff Henderson retreats to his post as the witness is asked to be seated. Clifford wonders if Henderson left the copy of Common Sense on the stand to belittle his adherence to integration of Church and State.]

Judge: Be seated, Mr. Bigreddog. D.A. Watkins, you may proceed with direct examination.

Watkins: Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Bigreddog, please tell the members of the jury how you became familiar with the defendant, Jessica Simpleton.

Clifford: (Smirking childishly) Don't I get to point at her?

Judge: Mr. Bigreddog, when did you pass the BAR exam?

Clifford: (Confused) BAR Exam? I'm a meter butler trainee. We don't take that test. What do you mean?

Judge: I mean that you don't ask questions. That is the job of Mr. Watkins and Ms. Five. Continue, Mr. Watkins.

Watkins: Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Bigreddog, please point to Ms. Simpleton.

Clifford: But her sister's here, too. Should I...?

[Judge casually removes a novelty can from his desk drawer reading "Whoop-ass!", and places it adjacent to the witness stand. Clifford gets the message and points to Jessica.]

Jessica: (Crying) Ahhh! No pointing!

[Judge grabs his gavel and beats it, accidentally crushing his beloved novelty can.]

Judge: I will have order in this court! Ms. Simpleton, you are on trial for 2nd degree murder, so you will be quiet unless you decide to waive your 5th amendment rights!

[Clifford keeps the finger aimed at Ms. Simpleton throughout the bout of gavel beating and shouting.]

Jessica: (Calmly) I waive my rights, Your Honor. (Crying) Ahhh! No pointing!

Five: Don't worry, Yer Honor. I brought packagin' tape, and I can hog tie 'er if need be.

Judge: Thank you, Ms. Five. The tape will suffice. Mr. Bigreddog, please return your hand to your lap. (Frustrated) No, lower! (Patronizing) On your leg. (Clifford unclenches his fist and follows judge's directions.). Thank you. (Gazes blankly at ceiling) Aye, yay, yay... Mr. Watkins?

[Five peels a strip of thick brown tape and smacks it onto Jessica's lips.]

Jessica: Mmf.

Watkins: Once again, Mr. Bigreddog: How did you become familiar with Jessica Simpleton.

Clifford: She choked my supervisor to the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel" on August 22nd during a routine citation.

Watkins: Jurors, the record states that I referred to this testimony as nonsense. If it pleases the court, I'd like to clarify that my observation was directed solely at the defense witness speculation of Ms. DeWitt-Karapetyan's neck being perceived as a Jack-in-the-Box crank. Mr. Bigreddog, was there anyone else with you?

Clifford: My fellow trainees.

Watkins: And what are their names?

Clifford: Uh... Jack Russell and Bernard.

Watkins: (Distrusting) Just Bernard? Does he have a last name?

Clifford: Not that I'm aware of. Great guy, though. He should be declared a saint.

Five: (Sputters) Objection, Yer Honor. Dat dar witness be fabricatin' names!

Judge: I'm sorry, Ms. Five. Dat dar?

Five: Sorry, your Honor. I meant 'That there'. My drawl becomes more pronounced when I'm giddy, inflamed, or not concentratin'.

Judge: Please elaborate upon your objection.

Five: Jack Russell is a tawp uh terriuh. And Saint Buhnawd? Honestly, what uh duh odds Cliffud Big-Red-Dawg, Jack Russell, 'n Saint Buhnawd all be meetuh butluh trainees?

Judge: It could be synchronicity...

Five: (Enraged) Synchronicity? Huh? Mo like psychos kiddin' me...

Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: please disregard the term 'psychos'. Prudence, strike it from the record. And, Ms. Five, you're spending this evening at the county jail for contempt of court. You'll don the institutional orange jumpsuit as a lesson tomorrow: a far cry from the...uh... grey... jumpsuit... you're wearing today (sigh).

[Prudence makes the notation and becomes chilled by Five's drastic personality shift.]

Five: Aw trust aw be gittin mah youjuhl cell. (Judge nods in agreement, and then shakes head abruptly in astonishment.) With respect, Yo Honuh, look at dem faces: Cliffud 'n Watkins. Dey's smilin' like dey just been suhved mowdy cheese at a fi' staw restoraunt. Insincerity so thick, reckon y'all be flippin' wit a spatula tuh brown duh backside.

Judge: I think you meant 'So thick you could cut it with a knife'. Objection sustained pending identity verification of Jack Russell and Bernard the prospective saint. And Ms. Five, I'm terribly suspicious of the fluctuations in, and degrees of, your southern drawl. More protein and less coffee for breakfast tomorrow, okay? Continue with questioning, Mr. Watkins.

Watkins: Your Honor, Jack Russell and Bernard are State witnesses in this case, along with Doctor "Doc" Sunde, a local veterinarian. All were on scene at the time of Ms. DeWitt-Karapetyan's death. Officers checked IDs and recorded statements.

Judge: Ms. Five, your objection is overruled. Mr. Watkins, does the State have any witnesses whose names do not resemble dog breeds or cartoon dogs? No offense, Clifford.

Clifford: (Oblivious to the association) None taken.

Watkins: I'm afraid not, Your Honor. Come to think of it, there was a Benji, but his testimony was apt to provoke tearfulness for spectators, and ultimately was superfluous.

[Judge engorges his cheeks with air and exhales for the dual purpose of expelling carbon dioxide and demonstrating disbelief]

Judge: Proceed.

Watkins: (Sorrowful) At any time did a bystander attempt to help Ms. DeWitt-Karapetyan?

Clifford: Nope. We were all singing along with Ms. Simpleton to "Pop Goes the Weasel", and the next thing we knew Beverly was dead.

Watkins: (Bewildered) All? Including Beverly?

Clifford: Yeah. Until she got too dizzy and fell over, at least.

[DeWitts and Karapetyans exit the courtroom: shameful of laughter, albeit stifled.]

Watkins: (Raises voice) It never struck you as odd that Ms. Simpleton's hands were around Beverly's neck?

Clifford: Who expects foul play from somebody singing that song?

[Judge reaches for his gavel-ridden novelty can and slaps it back onto the oak to emphasize an earlier lesson. Due to crumpling it now reads "Who as", thus failing to elicit the desired fear response in Mr. Bigreddog.]

Watkins: No further questions, Your Honor.

Judge: Ms. Five, does the defense wish to cross-examine the witness?