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some more funnies


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#1    crosis

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Posted 11 July 2002 - 10:02 PM

Just a few more funnies i got mailed today(Highly edited i might add).


These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and
Housing
associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my
knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my
fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof.
I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the
walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain
filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath

****************************************************************************
*************************
Michael was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his
best
friend Robert. As Robert stood beside the bed, Michael's frail
condition
grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
Robert
lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Michael used his last
ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

Robert thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped
it
into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Robert was
visting Michael's family. He realized that he was wearing the same
jacket
that he'd worn the day Michael died.

"You know," he said, "Michael handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't read it, but knowing Michael, I'm sure there's a word of
inspiration
there for us all. "

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen
tube!"

****************************************************************************
*************************

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I
invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple
and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next
morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day
polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of
$1.37."

"WOW !!! That's great. What happened next", said the young man.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.", said the
old
man

****************************************************************************
***********************

Bristol society for paranormal research and investigations      Click here

#2    crosis

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Posted 11 July 2002 - 10:03 PM

Dear Employees:
                         It has been brought to management's attention
that
some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this
type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do  however, realize
the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when
communicating wiith  co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING"  new phrases has been provided so
that
proper exchange of  ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:  Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:  And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:  No f**king way.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  Really?
INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me!
--------------------
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:  It's not my f**king problem.
--------------------
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:  What the f**k?
--------------------
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.
--------------------
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:  He's got his head up his ass.
--------------------
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:  Kiss my ass.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:  F**k it, I'm on salary.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:  This job sucks.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:  Who the hell died and made you boss?
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I see.
INSTEAD OF:  Blow me.
--------------------
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr**k.
--------------------
TRY SAYING:  I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:  You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
--------------------

Thank You,  Human Resources
****************************************************************************
*********************

Bristol society for paranormal research and investigations      Click here

#3    Kira

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Posted 11 July 2002 - 10:39 PM

:st  :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2
Very funny another to print off and take to work
                  thanx crosis

We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.

#4    Loonboy

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Posted 11 July 2002 - 11:25 PM

[blue]The story with the apples had me in bulk.[/blue] :s2


Do what you want and be what you feel. Because after all, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't 'mind.

Work hard, keep the ceremonies, live peacably, and unite your hearts. Hopi

Listen to the voice of nature, for it holds treasures for you. Huron

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. Minquass


#5    SpaceyKC

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 01:22 AM

           I liked the 'management memo'!   :s2  :s2

"Science may have found a cure for most evils;  but it has
         found no remedy for the worst of them all --- the apathy of human beings."
                                                     Helen Keller

#6    Dakoda

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 02:57 AM

:s2I second that KC:s2

TRY SAYING:  Really?
INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me!
(<---I say that one a lot myself)  :s2

"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" -George Carlin

#7    Homer

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 03:04 AM

:s2 very funny :s2

I like the managements memo also

As far as the rich guy goes, provided he didn't need to live off his apple money for the first week, he would be the richest person in the world just by doubling his money each day for the month. But I don't mean to ruin the humor, and it is very funny ;D

אַ֭תָּה אֱלֹהֵ֣י יִשְׁעִ֑י

#8    Halo_Jones

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 03:51 PM

:s2Thank you, they really made me laugh out loud.
Only I burnt the inside of my nose as I was drinking HOT Tea at the time, and it shot out mt nose while laughing :s07


#9    Kira

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 03:53 PM

::) Halo? U ok........?

Can I just point out something..................................

      u r not supposed to snort tea ;D :s01

We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.

#10    Halo_Jones

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 03:57 PM

Yes I realise that NOW :s2
And I just need to sayOUCH :o


#11    Kira

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Posted 12 July 2002 - 04:05 PM

:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

We do what we do because of who we are. If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves.

#12    cerberus

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Posted 26 August 2002 - 09:19 PM

try www.b3ta.com/buffyswear/ its great if your stressed out! here is an animation website.takes a few minutes to load..be patient! it's nuts! just watch! www.verylowsodium.com/fanimutation/dash.swf and finally... recreate your very own cyber town a la star trek! www.citycreator.com


#13    cerberus

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Posted 27 August 2002 - 08:59 PM

try this link for some great tips on how to cook your favourite aliens.... www.users.bigpond.net.au/wanglese/alien_recipes.html#types


#14    cerberus

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Posted 28 August 2002 - 09:44 AM

for the chance to arm wrestle freud.... try www.matazone.co.uk/arm_wrestling_freud.html


#15    cerberus

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Posted 04 September 2002 - 09:46 AM

try www.crashbonsai.com/index.html





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