some more funnies

[crosis]

Just a few more funnies i got mailed today(Highly edited i might add).

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and

Housing

associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt

my

knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

put

his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against

my

fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet

roof.

I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the

wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife

tripped and

fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the

walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain

filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath

****************************************************************************

*************************

Michael was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his

best

friend Robert. As Robert stood beside the bed, Michael's frail

condition

grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

Robert

lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Michael used his last

ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

Robert thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped

it

into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Robert was

visting Michael's family. He realized that he was wearing the same

jacket

that he'd worn the day Michael died.

"You know," he said, "Michael handed me a note just before he died. I

haven't read it, but knowing Michael, I'm sure there's a word of

inspiration

there for us all. "

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen

tube!"

****************************************************************************

*************************

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was

1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I

invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the

apple

and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next

morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire

day

polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this

system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of

$1.37."

"WOW !!! That's great. What happened next", said the young man.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.", said the

old

man

****************************************************************************

***********************

[crosis]

Dear Employees:

                         It has been brought to management's attention

that

some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language

during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to

complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,

this

type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do  however, realize

the

critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings

when

communicating wiith  co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING"  new phrases has been provided so

that

proper exchange of  ideas and information can continue in an effective

manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:  Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:  And when the **** do you expect me to do this?

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:  No ****ing way.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  Really?

INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me!

--------------------

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a ****.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:  It's not my ****ing problem.

--------------------

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:  What the ****?

--------------------

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This **** won't work.

--------------------

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:  He's got his head up his ass.

--------------------

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat **** and die.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:  Kiss my ass.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:  **** it, I'm on salary.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:  This job sucks.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:  Who the hell died and made you boss?

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I see.

INSTEAD OF:  Blow me.

--------------------

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr**k.

--------------------

TRY SAYING:  I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:  You don't know what the **** you're doing.

--------------------

Thank You,  Human Resources

****************************************************************************

*********************

[Kira]

 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

Very funny another to print off and take to work

                  thanx crosis

[Loonboy]

[blue]The story with the apples had me in bulk.[/blue] :s2

[SpaceyKC]

           I liked the 'management memo'!   :s2  :s2

[Dakoda]

:s2I second that KC:s2

TRY SAYING:  Really?

INSTEAD OF:  You've got to be sh***ing me! (<---I say that one a lot myself)  :s2

[Homer]

:s2 very funny :s2

I like the managements memo also

As far as the rich guy goes, provided he didn't need to live off his apple money for the first week, he would be the richest person in the world just by doubling his money each day for the month. But I don't mean to ruin the humor, and it is very funny ;D

[Halo_Jones]

:s2Thank you, they really made me laugh out loud.

Only I burnt the inside of my nose as I was drinking HOT Tea at the time, and it shot out mt nose while laughing :s07

[Kira]

: Halo? U ok........?

Can I just point out something..................................

      u r not supposed to snort tea ;D :s01

[Halo_Jones]

Yes I realise that NOW :s2

And I just need to sayOUCH

[Kira]

:s2 :s2 :s2 :s2

[cerberus]

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[cerberus]

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[cerberus]

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[cerberus]

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