I'm putting this up for discussion because I have no one else to ask (you'll know why later).

I've been married for almost 17 years. We've had ups and downs, but mostly a stable marriage. I trusted him completely. He's a stand-up kind of guy.

Sunday night, I walked into our bedroom (where we have the computer) to ask my husband to get off the computer so I could print something. I look over his shoulder and find a search list featuring "Gay porn". Link after link of gay porn.

I started reading it out loud in disbelief. I said, "You're searching for gay porn?"

At this point, he clicks off the window he was in and the screen disappears. What's left is a benign web search for something else. I'm in shock. He says, "NO--where?!" I said, "Go back to where you where," but that doesn't show anything. He dares me to check the internet history and prove it. There's nothing there that is suspicious. He dares me to check his current searches, which shows nothing. He's extremely defensive.

My husband is a computer genius, so I know he could find a way of covering his tracks. He's trying to make me think I was seeing things, or that I'm crazy. This is what hurts. I could handle it if he was just curious or got those links by mistake. I'd be hurt if he was gay, but at least we'd know the truth. But his absolute denial of what I saw is making me crazy!

He has a nasty temper and it is difficult to talk to him. So I wrote him an e-mail from work, telling him that if this was just an accident or curiosity, I could live with that. I told him that if he was gay or had questions, we could work it out with a marriage counselor or consider divorce. I promised him I wouldn't talk about it to any family or friends so it wouldn't hurt his pride and "image".

So am I seeing things or is my husband lying to me? I figure if I'm really seeing things that aren't there, I need to see a doctor, and fast! So, do I get a new doctor or a new husband?

wow well.....ummm..... if you seen what you thought you seen then i gess you probly did...ummm.....ok.....ummm.....gees i don't know what to tall you....ummm...alright its ether he is gay and is in denial or he was just &$#^ over by spy were. that sh!* can be a nightmare and he dose not wont you to think hes gay. that probly did not help much sorry

Okay, here's another question...

Do straight guys check out gay porn just out of curiosity?


and...should I just let this go and pretend it didn't happen? I could never trust him again if he wants me to go on thinking I never saw anything.

keep an eye on it. i dont think you were seeing things.

I'm not going to suggest keeping or trading in the husband. I am going to tell you you ARE NOT seeing things. My husband for a longtime had an addiction to internet pron. And this really hurt me because I had just gave birth to our son and I felt I was not fullfilling his visual needs. Even though this is somehwta different to what is going on in your home. I had to put my foot down and tell him I was going to leave him if it kept up. No choices in the matter. If he is "curiuos" and that is why he was searching this, I'm sorry to say this will prob lead to other things. Whether or not it will is the point, the fact is...even if you hadn't seen what you think you saw, the suspicion is there. Which means some sort of mistrust has come into your marriage and it is time to seek some sort of help to retrieve it. And since I haven't already said it, I am very sorry this is going on in your life. This kinda of situation is never good and always hurts. I hope it gets better hun. I hope that I helped somewhat. If you need to talk just pm me

Wow, ah, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Has he ever seems effimenate(sp?) to you before? Maybe if he's really gay there were signs all along and you just didn't notice them. With a little hindsight maybe you can figure it out. Umm. I'll just let smarter people than I post now.

Buy a program that secretly tracks and records every single key stroke, email, chat room conversation, videos palyed, etc.. made on that computer. The programs are covert and will not show up in a manner in which he is able to see its on the computer.. You need to become a stealth investigator here to know if he is lying or up to something behind your back.. You need to find out for the well being of your marriage and self. If you leave a question mark here, it will never be the same doubt and trust will be out the door.

I would now suggest purchasing "PC Playback" or a program like it. Here is a link:

http://www.spyware-for-less.com/?scr=google

If he is a computer genius, you will never find proof of where he has looked, or what he has looked at!

And you will be surprised at how many men are Bi, interested in both sexes!

I had a female friends who thought her husbands was Bi, she had her husband followed, and found he frequented the public toilets a lot, a well know meeting area for Bi and gay men, who like cottaging (That’s gays and Bi men using public toilets as safe areas to have sex!) Whenever you are out, is he always making excuses to use the toilet, even after you have just left the house?

I don't think he'd be just looking at it out of curiosity

whateva the reason howdydoo,
hopefully it can be sorted out
and have a happy ending.

I am a married man. I dont mind checking out hot females on the web. My wife and I have a healthy sex life. I have never cheated. However, that said I would never ever ever under any circumstances go to a gay porn site out of curiosity. I mean come on, everyone knows what your going to find there.. Either you were mistaken or he is a closet homo. If its the second you need to deal with that asap.. Not cool at all. Here is another program that can help you find the truth.

http://www.e-spy-software.com/keylogger.htm

Not advocating anything either way, but if you use a keystroke logger like advocated above, be prepared for what you will find. I think you should trust your instincts (and your eyes). I really hope you can work things out.

In my human sexuality class they said that lots of people have fantasies about things they don't want to actually do. So I'd say it's probably nothing. Hentai/anime porn, where characters are often depicted as very young, is popular too, and I doubt that everyone who likes that kind of thing is really a pedophile.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. At least I've gotten it out there for discussion somewhere. I've been going nuts trying to figure this out on my own.

Here's some answers for some of the questions:

No, the husband has never acted gay. He never has liked porn in the past, either. I was always more interested in porn than him, but I got over it.

I doubt the surveillance software programs will help me. He built our computer from scrap, he puts on all the software, he adjusts programs...he knows how to do everything on the computer, so he'd find out about the software. Then I would have to deal with another problem--him knowing I was checking up on him.

I pretty much know where he is every minute of the day. He works with his dad (they have their own business), who wouldn't allow him to run around on me, anyway. His dad is straightlaced and a pretty formidable figure to deal with. He'd have to be lying to Dad and me to get away with that.

He hates going to the bathroom in public. It's a phobia.

I was in love with a gay man for six years before I found my husband, so I'm hyper sensitive to the effeminate. Nope, he was just a good 'ol boy who liked cars and trucks and 3-wheeling in his spare time. He hates musicals, anything romantic, and chick flicks. If he is gay, he is not the stereotype.

The only thing I know is this: If I can't get him to admit that this happened, how can we ever get over this?

Maybe he is Bisexual. My wife is bisexual, we were able to incorporate that aspect of her life into our sex life very sucessfully. I do hope this works out for you.

Nope, won't work for me. It's against my morals and beliefs. No sex outside the marriage, gay or straight.

Yeh..Maybe just the once or twice.


What crime has he commited..? Try talking and try not being angry..? And also try to learn to become closer and more shareing in your relationship.

Well, Dunderhead...

I haven't been angry with him. I've been upset and hurt and confused. I've tried talking to him. I even wrote him an e-mail. He just responds in anger and starts yelling. He has a very hot temper, not me. He can't discuss anything without yelling.

I tried to calm him down last night so we could talk it over, but he just started yelling at me and calling himself "Queer Daddy" in front of our children. This is something you shouldn't do in front of children.

He has never been one to open up and share his feelings. So I think you have misread the whole story. It's hard to share and get closer to a rock.

HowdyDoo,
Im hoping everything works out for you, I dont think ur just seeing things..I had an ex with an anger prob as well..Ive been married 23 years..and still going thru a divorce since 11-04..Its hard I know..If hed be honest Im sure it would lift ur burdens..sometimes the truth hurts,but Im sure youd rather know than not..I escaped the abuse,I hope things work out for you..Best Of Luck,
-Lostchild1962
Kay

Forget the gay porn, sounds like he has some serious anger management problems. He might feel like his masculinity is threatened or something. I'd back off for a while. Maybe he'll cool down in a couple days and you can talk to him.

Perhaps he was looking for a particular kind of adult entertainment.

Sometime's certain "hetro" searches can result in gay sites being hit.

It happened to me when..... I was researching something todo with........

Anyway the point is ..... I forget


May have been a mistake
May have been Curiosty

Either way he will be very embarassed and defensive.

I would Suggest purchasing a Bi-porno at gauging his reactions.

It...is possible he was looking up gay porn... for lesbian porn.....

Unless it said Gay MALE porn somewhere.... just a thought....

Very true.

I suggest to prove your claim you get a keylogger from www.freewarefiles.com the family keylogger always has helped me in getting to the bottom of things. Like when my sister was in my blog and making stuff up as me, and it lets me know if my dad has put a watch on my account. There is nothing better in this world for a fight, then hard evidence.

i'd say maybe his anger is due to the fact that if (big if) he is gay.. he has mixed feelings at the moment and does not know how to deal with his sexuality.. other than lashing out
a lot of men that i know that have been extremely homophobic are actually gay, and didnt want to own up to it for fear of what would happen.
if your hubby built the comp from scratch, then i would be against putting any spyware on it.. he'll know why it's on there and it could cause deep mistrust. i'm thinking if he doesnt want to talk about it.. lay off for a while, see what happens. but if he is as you said "a rock" you may never know what he was looking at. it could be that he was embaressed that you found him looking at that site. there's probably more to it.. or just simple curiousity

ps anson.. ac/dc are a great aussie band.. you should see what happens here in perth on the anniversary of bon scotts death.. there is a massive procession at the cemetary

dat spy

If you really want to find the websites visited (if you use Internet Explorer) the above link is a free program that finds all the cookies etc. left by the sites visited previously. Uninstall the program after you use it but print off a list if you want of the sites found.

But I don't think you really need to do that unless he won't get past the denial stage. You know what you saw was not in your imagination. If he IS gay, the pressure of maintaining a father image to your children is likely extremely stressful to him. That could be one reason for his anger when you bring up the topic, besides maybe being in denial or confused about his sexual preferences. He may be worried about the effect it would have on them if it was known. As a result, he may wish to wait out acting on his real impulses and orientation - at least until they are young adults who have their own living quarters.

The chances of him not being gay/bi are likely slim, but at least knowing the truth will be a step towards resolving your dilemma.

Good luck - I wish you all the best for you and your family!

PS - since you share your computer, he's likely aware of your visits here.

maybe he was making a practical joke where you cut your friends (or enemy's) face out and put it on to a gay porn picture. i looked up a gay porn site to do it. it was horrible but well worth it
*shudders*

THere's stupid evil spyware that not only makes the actual stuff pop up, but makes it look like you searched for it. Maybe that happened and he's just embarressed. Or, maybe he feels like you are emasculating him just by asking. It's also possible he was just curious, but I don't know about that. G'luck.

Thanks, guys, for the useful suggestions and kind comments. I really don't feel like spying on him, though. It's just not in me right now. And he doesn't know about me using this web site--I only use it at work.

I could easily write off what I saw as a mistake (I really want to!), or maybe even him looking for some girl/girl porn, but what really bothers me is that he is completely denying what I saw.

If he could only come clean, we could talk about it (whether it was a mistake, curiosity, or the gay possibility) and move on. But as it stands now, my trust in him has died and we have no where else to go.

I believe we need some serious marriage counseling, but he is in such denial that I doubt I could even suggest it to him. He would probably be mad at me if I decided to go alone, because he'll think I'm telling the counselor he is gay. I just can't win.

wow howdy doo, i hope things look up for you. this has got to be frustrating and painful for you. if you ever need to talk, pm me, ok?

Have you thought about a bit of a shock treatment - if he won't talk about it and you can't trust him - why don't you pack up and leave - for a while at least.

The space might do you both some good - and if he is in 2 minds about his sexuality it might help him to decide what way he wants to go.

It may all be a mistake and the seperation might make him realise just how serious you are about needing to talk about this and it might open his eyes enough to realise that you do need to talk this through.

Ok lots of MIGHTS in there, but it might help

Thanks, Firien, I appreciate your offer.


Mystic Mog:
I've thought about leaving, but that's easier said than done. I would have to pack up my two boys and myself and then find a place to go. My mother lives in a retirement community and my sister already has a full house. We aren't poor, but
extra funds for a hotel room would break us quickly.

Could you ask him to leave for a bit - or would he loose his temper.

Perhaps a say away from the marital bed? I know a night or two on the sofa for my husband always makes him more reasonable.

Yeah, I could sleep on the sofa for a while, but I do this anyway at times when my back hurts (I've had two back surgeries), so I don't know if it would have the same effect.

If I ask him to leave, yes, he would loose his temper. And I'm afraid that any hopes of reconciling would be lost. He'd be too embarrassed that I kicked him out. His image seems to be more important to him than I am.

He has a terrible temper. I know he needs counseling for this, but I can't even get him to open up on small things, let alone important things. I think one day he's going to burst--I just hope I or my kids aren't around when it happens.

The more I talk about it, the more I think I need a divorce. I've been putting up with him for too long. Too bad I still love him.

Holy Moley HowdyDoo that is a big decision to make.

Would he definately not do the marriage counciling? Perhaps you could set it up for yourself and he might go along later down the line

I guess I am lucky - I am the volatile one in my marriage - I shout and screem alot rather than get violent - but even when I leave/or he leaves - after a few days things feel better and back we come.

Do you not think that this could blow over, or is this more like the final straw?

Mystic...

Thanks for helping, but this may be the final straw. There's probably a lot more going on than this one issue. I'm going to find a counselor, whether he wants to go with me or not.

I think that is a great idea - good luck

Moe doesnt see the big deal here. But we suppose it depends on where you grew up.

We blame curiosity and biology. These things kill many cats and have been killing many cats since camels ruled the earth.

Besides, tis way better to catch your loved one looking at gay porn than participating in it, is it not?

Look, the confusion with the website aside, it really sounds like your husband has much more serious issues to deal with. The way he reacted to you and your wanting answers is much more serious than possible sexual curiosity. Throwing a fit and saying those sorts of things to your children has no excuse.

Your responses begin to sound more and more like you are afraid of him. I was engaged to a man that sounds very similar to your husband---the stereotypical 'guys guy' who hated all things "touchy-feely" and wouldn't share anything. His temper was so fierce and unpredictable that I began to live in fear constantly that I would set him off. We couldn't talk about anything, ever. It was awful. The day he blew up at me and grabbed my arm and shoved me, leaving bruises, was the day I called off our 3 month-away wedding, packed his stuff for him, moved in with a friend temporarily and have not seen him since. It was very difficult, but the liberation was worth every bit of the pain.

You are in a much more difficult position, having been married and having children together. Just know, however, that people don't change who they are. If you are afraid of him now, it will more likely than not only get worse. Would taking your children from a man like that be easier in the long run than having him possibly "blow", like you mentioned he might?

Best of luck with this! This is terribly hard. PM if you need!

oh indeed. Best of luck.

Moe shall now look at gay porn to see what all the fuss is about.

If you wish, Moe can post the results.

there would be no need to thank us as this is simply the jazz Moe brings to UM.

Yes, I'm afraid of him.

And Moe...it's not a matter of porn, or gay porn...it's a matter of trust.

I feel like the woman in the movie, "Missing", when everyone is telling her she's crazy, that her child never existed and that it's all in her head, when she knows without a doubt that she had a child.

My husband is telling me I never saw what I actually saw. He'd rather make me think there is something mentally wrong with me than admit to what he did. His image is more important to him than my trust in him and our marriage. In my book, that's a problem.

Trust is an issue that comes up most often in marriage counseling.

Moe has indeed been married for 10 years now. We know these issues all too well.

It all boils down to to the first time you set eyes on eachother. was it complete honesty? Or were you meeting eachothers representatives?

BTW: those pics are ... um..

.... well ...

I'm not here to tell you how your husband is....you know him more than anyone here. But I think you're overreacting about the 'porn' situation.

I'm female....and I often look at girl/girl porn....And I'm straight.

He could be bi or straight.....that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think the reason HE is overreacting is becuase it is VERY embarrassing for someone to see you looking at porn and then have them ask you about it! Just don't talk to him about the porn.....it was probably harmless. You keeping on bringing it up will only make you both insecure and angry towards each other....more than you are already.

I think some serious marriage councelling is needed. He has an anger problem...and if you don't mind me saying I think you have some insecurity issues....partly because of this. Correct me if I'm wrong.
If he wont go with you then there is not much that can be done. Go without him, see what the doctor says. If your husband is living in denial about the relationship being unhappy....then maybe you might need to reconsider your love for each other.

I'm sorry things have got this bad....take care and let us know how it goes.

I wish you the best of luck!!

And please, try and keep your children away from ANY fights or raised voices between you two as much as possible. Even though they may be young or oblivious to anything it will still affect them. What your husband said to them was wrong...
When I was about 18 months I stopped eating and drinking for a few months...My parents got so scared they took me to a child psychologist. The psychologist said I had stopped because my parents were constantly fighting. I was 18 months.....I wasnt old enough to know anything....but I knew something was wrong. And your children will too.
If a divorce does take place it's VERY important that you reassure your children that just because you and your husband are not together that DOESNT mean you don't love them anymore. Always reassure them they are not to blame. Children WILL blame themselves.

I was in a similar relationship to you, for 2 years he was bad tempered, moody and like jennrose I began to not talk or say anything to him for fear of setting off his temper. He never touched me physically....as in he never hit or beat me but I could tell there were times where he was close.
The sex seemed like it was a force of habbit. Nothing felt good to him anymore even though it still felt good to me.
If things don't change between you and your husband, get out of it sweetie. You deserve better.

Honestly, I don't think I'm overreacting to the porn thing. I don't really care about the porn thing. I've looked at porn. I could understand if he looked at porn. (I used to try to get him interested in porn, thinking it could help things in the bedroom. He said he didn't like it.) I could even understand if he looked at gay porn, but to be honest, it would raise some concerns that we would need to discuss, and I think those concerns are reasonable.

It's the fact that he is lying to me and not wanting to discuss the issue that really hurts. He wants me to believe I was "seeing things" when I know I wasn't.

Here's an example of how I feel: Imagine you come home from work early, and find your spouse in bed with another person. You say, "What are you doing?!" He/she says, "Nothing." You say, "There's a person in your bed and your having sex!" and he/she says, "No, I'm not...there's no one here; you're just seeing things." Then your spouse gets angry with YOU and goes about stomping and slamming doors.

I realize that is an extreme example and a far cry from just looking at gay porn, but the feelings are still the same.

howdy i get what you mean with the example and why your mad. he did something and making it out to be you thats the one at fault. people that have done somehting wrong do that,they try to turn it around. i think you will do what is needed to be done. keep us informed what you decide to do.

BTW: Moe...what pics?

For those worried about the kids...I've tried to keep them out of it, but they are in their early teens (13 & 15) and know something is up. The oldest one, especially. I keep telling him that it's nothing he has to worry about, but he worries anyway. I'm sort of shell-shocked and don't know what else to do.

Dad has been sometimes rough on the kids in the past, and I usually play go-between. I've had to call him off of the kids on a couple of occasions when I felt like he was going too far, verbally and/or physically. That's one thing I won't tolerate, and he knows this. He's been better with them the past few years, there are no more spankings, but he sometimes gets a bit too verbally mean. I'm not scared of him when it comes to the kids--I'll do what I have to to keep them safe, so don't worry about the children.

I am so grateful to all of you to care enough to offer help. But this is getting too personal and I think it's time for me to fade off this thread. At least discussing this here has helped me make the decision to find a counselor, and soon.

Thanks to all and God bless.

It seems to me, that the porn issue is small potatoes. From the way you've phrased things in some of your posts (ie: I've put up with him long enough), it seems that you two have some other, more serious issues to reconcile. You may do well to try a separation. Of course, if there are other issues, you use them for the reason you want space, and not the porn.

Mmh... that's a tough issue.

As said before though, i think it could be possible he's just looking for something that gets him excited, eventhough he wouldn't do it himself. He might have some voyeuristic tendancies, maybe you can find out if he has checked out different types of pornografic sites, besides the gay ones.

Of course, this is just me rambling

Marriage is never easy at the best of times. I’ve been married twice, and each one ended because the trust went, and it turned out that my instincts were right and my wife, (on both accounts) had been seeing someone else.

But ending a married or even putting a damper on it, and holding off for a while is very stressful, and it is a very big decision to make. And luckily for me I had no children from either marriage, so I didn’t have the extra worry.

But as I was saying before, marriage and love is based on trust. Trust is a huge factor and a very important - pivotal even! If you lose the trust, then what is left? You give everything you have to another person you love, but if the trust isn’t there, the embers slowly burn away leaving resentment, hatred and pain. And staying in a situation that is making you unhappy and unhealthy is also very bad for the children; they are so sensitive they pick up on everything!

I hope things work out for you, and I hope your husband gains some commonsense and comes clean and is honest with you. If there is a problem that is identified, it can be worked out. But if one person denies something is wrong, then what can the other do, where can they go or turn too.

All are thoughts are with you!

About half of them do , but they would never admit it .