Today was my last breakthrough. i was thinking about money, and what i had to support myself. It is 999 dollars a month, when i thought that, i heard, and that's no coincidence either. I then thought about the three, two, one, that i had come to, when i had done my previous post's in this thread.
When i realized there was a nine above each lower number. I realized all the stress, and the notted ball thrown about that i felt like when i considered what they represented, as far as all my experiance's, and all the agony they have caused.
I started to cry, and i said, i can't allow any of it to continue in my mind.
There was an instant response. I heard cheering, and someone said he did it, and the voice which had manifested the offer of peace and good will at the start of my saying help us, said, thank you my friend, it is over at last, goodbye now my friend. I thought about robert, and the others that represent the three,two,one. And i cried some more, and said that i love him, and another voice said, we all do, each in our own way, it is over now, enjoy what remains of it.
I felt a sense of peace and relief. Those numbers and what i wrote about them, all happened to get me to this moment. I am not troubled by all the memory's now, because i have accepted my choice, and stopped agonishing over it, and any potential consequence's for myself/because there never have been. Having been made to percieve how long i have felt like i have lived through it all, i can say immortality in the scenario's has been an experiance of agony and shame. The shame, because when i was fighting what i'll call the system, i had felt like i was fighting for myself, and not one of them was. The agony, because my realself felt trapped, and could'nt seem to escape it.
Whatever i have written at U.M. was written honestly. Never was it my intent to insult anyone. Whatever my words said, they were said from different mindset's of people who had had those attitudes, because of their own perceptions. I will end with those of Robert, who is a person who has only wanted what most want in this place. Peace, goodwill, friendship, and happiness, and love. Which he had been denied, except through his son. Because he made sure that his son would succeed for himself, in the way that they do that here. And that is important, as it pertains to my own self, why it had been accomplished under adverse conditions{poverty and the rest}
I can't use the terminology of the religious, but i can say that i understand it fully. Why as harsh as my words have been about them at times, i have alway's managed to say, the majority of them are innocent, and i have been friend to a great many of them, despite it all. When the price of power and control, is giving up what is you, i alway's choose myself, and myself really is about peace and goodwill, friendship and happiness, and love. And though i wrote love last, it is the strongest of them all. Especially when you can love yourself, after having been through all that i have experianced.
There is no good or evil, there is just you. I want to thank you all for putting up with me here, it has been a rocky journey. Whatever happens from my word's here, i can only say that they have alway's been about me. What the end signifies, i already know for myself, and that is as i have said from the start, it is for yourself.
If there is any journey left for the rest of you, after Robert is gone, i can only say that the best way to live the experiance called life here, is those five word's, and what they mean to the individual. Without them, this place will be dust long before it end's.
Love to all the many people i remember here. I am retiring from the net, as it represent's what i have given up, for myself. Though i may peek from time to time. If there are those who understand what i have written, and want to share there own, please pm me, i will no longer write on the public part of the forum. If you do write, let's talk about stuff which reflects the five word's that have meaning to me, i will not hear any other.
Bye now.