Rev Irish’s Top Ten Christmas Hum Bugs


Well along with the Christmas season we are all forced to watch re-runs of movies and specials from years past, so in the tradition of re-runs I once again resurrect the “Hum Bug Thread”

I confess I am one of the worst Christmas hum buggers, I hate to shop any time of the year, yet thanks to crash consumerism I am forced to go to the mall (it should be spelled Maul) because “it’s the season”.
I need to unload some of the negativity so as I will enjoy the time of work and the time with family and friends this Christmas.
So join me for awhile and get all that vile out of your system, what do you despise most about the season? Whatever you celebrate it to be.

My number 1. is shopping. The masochistic practice of attempting to find a parking spot at the local maul while being subjugated to elbows in your face and shopping carts nipping at your heals. To purchase an item you could have bought last month at half the cost and hassle. While you are being assaulted and tussled into counters, walls and doors while your bank account is being siphoned from your back pocket you can enjoy the electronically piped Christmas carols emanating from every crevice of the store. It’s kinder like enjoying a well chilled martini as you are being fed to the lions.

My number 2. Christmas Cake. That vile concoction of embalmed pieces of fruit and stale nuts glued together with God only knows what it really is but tastes like sweet cement. I swear there are only about 100 of them in existence that have been re-gifted since the ancients Mayans poisoned their entire culture, probably given them by the Spanish inquisition. It adorns the table right next to the turkey for a period of time and then is neatly wrapped up like a piece of nuclear waste and given to Aunt Edna for next Christmas.

Number three. Santa, that plum pudding filled fat guy that hangs out at the mall making promises to my kids that I can not afford. Then supposedly works one day out of the year and claims all the credit, the credit goes to the credit card in my wallet buddy!
He has an army of underpaid non union dwarfs at his beck and call and abuses wild life by making them fly; the only one that is really flying is that little drunk Rudolf.

Number four. The Christmas tree: Thank you very much you pagans for bringing this joy into our living room. As soon as I am done picking these pine needles out of my forehead and toes I will be wrapping your gifts. We kill off a few forests to make the kids go ew eh! Aint that pretty.
After trudging out into minus 30 degree weather we are forced to select the biggest tree on the lot and give it a good shake, to remove the GreenPeace fella from the branches. And then tie it to the front of the car like we just bagged ourselves a deer (that’s got me thinking) oh that’s something to brag to the neighbors about, Got that one before it snuck back into the forest he he!
The only one that thinks it’s a bonus is the family dog who say “hey bout time they got me some indoor plumbing”
I’m starting to feel better already, thanks for letting me rant.

Number five: The Turkey; Poor buggers think they survived thanksgiving and down comes the axe again. Plucked and stuffed with week old bread and raisins that have been drying since world war two. I must admit it is tasty the first day, but then you’re stuck with turkey sandwiches and soup till spring, how come one bird lasts that long?
We stuff ourselves worst than the turkey whose final revenge is to give us sleeping sickness for the rest of the afternoon. It’s hard to run after a meal like that and my son now beats me to the couch, I am now left standing in the kitchen and at the full mercy of the wife and a sink full of dirty dishes.

Number Six: Christmas Lights: Just who is the smart ass that though up this brilliant idea? Climb up on our snow covered roofs and decorate it like an airfield landing strip. If Santa can’t find my house he can follow my Visa bill! As if the utility bill is not high enough this time of year the neighborhood is lit up like the Los Vegas strip and the only gamble is how high the electricity bill will be.
I tried to get away from it last year by just hanging some panties on the tree outside. My neighbor complained ‘what the heck does that have to do with Christmas” And I explained that they were Carol’s.

Number seven; Boxing Day: One last chance for the corporate giants to squeeze the last few pennies from your wallets. While you are left to survive on cold turkey sandwiches and eggnog induced hangovers. The last thing you want to hear come from the wife’s mouth is “I know lets go shopping” No please spare me! I don’t care if they are giving it away.
And the only things that are a bargain on boxing day is left over Christmas cakes and more friggin lights to hang on your roof.

Number eight: Dec 25: If you’re going to screw up Jesus’s actual birthday why the heck did they pick the middle of winter to celebrate it? I mean they were all running around in sandals and sheets, in this country they would not have made it to the 7- 11 store let alone Bethlehem.
I understand why they picked Israel for the Nativity. It was originally slotted for Washington but they could not find three wise men and a virgin even remotely close by.
The apostles must have been Aussies because they knew they could celebrate it at the beach when they got home. I am not sure how they got to Israel but I assume they drove a Honda as I read in the bible the apostles were all in one accord.

Number nine; Shopping Again; that’s right it’s the same as number one, But I want to rant further on it. Why do women enjoy this insane practice of self mutilation and men would rather put their tongue in a vice grip then venture into the malls (Mauls) of inequity. Is this some sort of suicide pact that women make over tea and cup cakes? What would possess a human to subjugate them selves to mortal combat over a Tickle Me Elmo doll?
You know if we really want to remove the insurgents out of Iraq, then pull out all the troops and put up boarder signs that read 50% of everything. Within 24 hours the country would be invaded by 1 billion plus combat ready shoppers with armored shopping carts and stealth purses. And we men could enjoy a few pints and a good old poker game while they clean up over there. I guarantee you the resulting carnage would make the Iraq war look like a tea party.

Finally: Number 10; Fake Snow; after digging, chipping and scraping my car out from a glacier this morning for four hours, I noticed my neighbor has fake snow neatly sprayed along the edges and corners of all their windows, barely discernible behind the real menace that’s about to take down the tree in their front yard. Sorry but this is akin to painting fake bruises and lacerations on a mugging victim. I mean come on people, this is like Saudis sprinkling fake sand around their doorways.
People that reminisce about a white Christmas should be arrested and charged with bigotry and discrimination. Their sentence should consist of an ice scrapper snow shovel and one way ticket to Anchorage.

Someone else will start a happy thread down the road and we will all pour ourselves a stiff eggnog and forget this thread, but in the meantime let lose with your Hum Bug’s

Cheers Irish

Well Irish i think you pretty much covered it for me! And even though i,m a woman i HATE shopping for anything at any time! And i totally agree about the Christmas cake! Eeewww YUK! Thanks for pointing your top ten hum bugs out so well! Thats a belly laugh i really needed!

Yes, rather amusing. Thanks, Irish! I just might have to copy that and email it to a few friends, if you don't mind. I ownder how long it would take to be forwarded to you!? LOL, then you can tell your friends that you started it all!

Feel free to do so I feel much better getting off my chest

Alright! LOL. keep checking your email and see if you end up with your own words. It can actually be a fun experiment!

Irish that was great, loved em all. The one thing that really gets me is all the family that come in from out of town. Getting dragged to people's houses, house guests and damn I don't even like Turkey. Next year I'm spending Christmas in Mexico, or Vegas ya thats it Vegas. Have a great Christmas Irish and I'll join you for a pint of 6 while the ladies do the shopping

I've gotten so lazy regarding Christmas these past few years, I hibernate 'til the season is over.

Aw Irish, this was the best....I don't know if "Christmas Cake" is the same as "Fruit Cake", but why do people feel that they have to make it and bring it as a gift..That's a garbage item, or it can be used as a paper weight....All 10 items were right on the button, so thanks for a great laugh....

I remember doing ALL of my Christmas present shopping on Christmas Eve one year! What an absolute nightmare, it was lucky I got what I wanted otherwise people would have had to make do with a packet of chewing gum I reckon

The things I hate are:

Greedy shop or store owners who actually open on Christmas Day. I pity the poor sods that work in those places and miss out on their time at home with their families! I understand some jobs entail having to work Christmas Day (Hospitals, Emergency Services etc) however, shops??

Constant commercials on TV interrupting my programmes

That's about it really, all the rest I love

The seasonal battle was into its full campaign last night as I ventured into Wall Mart to purchase a new battery for my watch. I knew something was up by the glint in the eye of the door greeter, he handed me a two inch candy cane as if was a dagger to draw first blood.
Two fully armed combat ready women where warming up the engines of their deadly shopping carts, ready to take out the heals and shins of innocent shoppers. One had installed roles of wrapping paper to serve as a deadly bayonet along the bottom of her cart.
Within the ceiling panels I could hear the generals plotting an offensive in isles 23 with a call to battle of “50% of all items”. Realizing that isles 22 was the watch department I made my move as swift and as stealth as I possible could. The generals began playing Silent Night to lull me into oblivion as the enemy moved their shopping carts into full formation on the banks of isles 23. Momentarily distracted by the 50% off sign I made my move.
I quickly drew out my master card to complete my purchase, fully ready to retreat at the slightest provocation of a pre-emptive strike. Mission accomplished I began my withdrawal from the front lines. Just thirty feet from the exit sign I felt the sting of assault ripping through my Reeboks and penetrating my socks, my heal had been torn to the bone. As I winced in mortal agony an elderly seasoned grandma had struck the first blow of the season. With a victorious scream she yelled out a “sorry about that gramps! Have a nice Christmas” and proceeded to find her next victim.
I fear this coming Saturday when I must venture again into the valley for groceries and supplies.

Irish

Jeez, I hope you don't wind up in a body cast before Christmas.,,,Just think...only 20 more days...After that you just have to worry about the wacko's spending their gift cards and returning presents..

I hate crowded Chrismas shopping ! my shoulders are pretty big so to be courteous I try to keep sideways to let people pass through but trying to walk at a snails pace half sideways in a crowed shopping mall is reeeeaaallll aggravating one time I saw these older teenagers pushing through the crowd towards me at a half run pace, I just smiled and accidentally didn't move out of the way.. when I helped the one kid up off the floor I said "sorry big guy didn't see you there" that made my day....I know I shouldn't have done that and I'll never do it again lol

Hey! I could use you, want to go shopping on Saturday?

lol sure it is the season for giving (Dion Phaneuf style!!!)

I love this, especially the bit about the apostles being in one accord. Gave me a good laugh , thanks

I hate 24 hours of A Christmas Story. I want to shove that Red Rider BB gun down that kids throat by the end of it all.
I hate pretending like I love my in-laws for a day.
I really really hate people who say they bought me a gift, but really just gave me something they didn't want, because they want me to buy them something. My friend does this and I'm tired of it.

I hate people being happy.

I'm Hum Bugging the holidays this year because it's the first since my dad died. It's just NOT the same. Now I see what people have always meant by holiday depression. It's hit me hard. I just want to sleep through it all, okay?

Edit to add: It was just the 10 month anniversary so that kinda slapped me in the face. I will smile and be the clown everyone expects though. Only you here reading will know my true feelings.

I'm sorry She-ra about your Dad. I don't know you, but you need to hear these things.
You have every right to be Hum Bugging. But you don't have to be displaced about this. Bah Humbug to them if you shed a tear or are depressed. Your appearance to the family functions isn't required, it is requested. You have the choice. And if you attend and you decide that things are too much, say your goodbyes and leave.

BUT, make it a point he is NOT forgotten for the sake of everyone else's cheerfulness. Don't be the clown, acknowledge your feelings. Maybe others are feeling the same and are tip toe-ing around the issue to not upset others(you).

(((((SHE-RA))))) I feel so sad for you! I will always be here for you, just PM me or email me and I am there!

Leo's Christmas Humbug - to add to Rev Irish's.

PRESENTS!

No, not the good presents you see everyone on tv getting...those don't exist. What I'm talking about are the presents you get from Aunt Edna (with a nod to Irish for that name) or Great-Uncle Frederick, you know, the tie even Liberace wouldn't wear, that oh-so-necessary pair of earmuffs (when you live in Hawaii) or even *shudder* the dreaded collectible spoon!

Thing is, you give gifts just as naff, yet everyone sits round, smiling out platitudes between gritted teeth "Oh, thank you! I was looking at one of these in the stores and knew someone would get me one!"
(translation: WTF!!!!! Who the hell bought me this useless piece of cr*p! And I know it was only £0.99 in the bargain bucket in Woollies!)

Ah, Christmas!!!

oh She-ra, it's so hard to lose a loved one, and to me the holidays are always the worse....My dad passed away two weeks before Christmas, many years ago, but I got through it then and I get through it now....Don't try to be anyone but yourself, and no excuses are necessary if you want to cry, be sad or yell and scream...Just remember, there are quite a few of us feeling as you do. It gets a little better each year, and memories from the heart are what keeps us going....

You could use it to wrap up the Christmas pudding and make someone next year curse you

She-Ra, My heart goes out to you! I lost both of my parents, but Christmas is about memories and I am sure you have some great ones

I really really really hate certain christmas songs. Mostly the ones that insert onomotopias...i don't care about 'ho ho ho's" or clipitty clops, really the only one i like that is the little drummer boy with the pa rum pa pum pum and usually some rum involved. YAWN...I hate them.