I just realized something.

I'm weak; there's no question to it. My curiosity surpasses my tolerance.

I love reading peoples' stories and attempting to give advice to those in times that they need it most, and even when they don't need it. I'm fascinated with the spiritual realm, I believe that there's got to be something else out there. It is our act of believing - our releasing of energy - that allows such a thing to manifest. It is such that I have become interested in many things, particularly devices such as ouija boards (dangerous!) and things of the sort.

But now I notice this - I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to me personally. I can't even feel safe in my own home sometimes. There is one room where there are two windows/doors with windows on every single wall, and I can't spend time in this room alone. It breaks my willpower. I don't even know why. And I'll find that whenever my back is facing such a window at night - a gaping hole into blackness - that my speed increases to the point where I am running. I am reaching the point where I cannot sleep in my room without my dog keeping me company. I've had nightmares of seeing entities peering at me silently, but ominously from the blackness of the small window in my door, but those were not recurring and I do not associate them with any sort of paranormal thing. Simply fear.

All I ever see is the recurring image of myself becoming broken - my mind shattering into pieces. Transformation, into something that I am not. Reverse transcendence into a corrupted existence.

To answer the question before it comes up (because I know it will) - I do not know my religious views. For a while, I prayed to an invisible God, as a sort of symbolism to help me remember...I would attempt to remember my day and reviewing it in this way and being thankful was helpful. But lately I've become distanced from this God. I feel like all religions end up tying into the same ethereal force, one that exists because we believe it does, it is our common belief that, in mass numbers, creates and shapes this entity. But I can't find guidance. And I am lost. I don't know where I can get strength.

At some point, something is going to happen to me. And with this constant premonition of losing myself, I can't let that happen. I need strength. I need to be ready to handle myself when the s**t really does hit the fan. Can you guys please help me?

I am a teenager of 15. Yeah, young, I know. Immature? Yeah, probably. Looking for attention? Hell no. Looking for guidance? Absolutely.

Strength will come with experience. Experience comes with age. Your not weak your young.

Firstly I find it hard to believe your 15. Next I think you know exactly what your doing based on your ideas of God. You dont need anyones help. Fearing something is straight-up counter-productive unless you've done something wrong and you fear the consequences.

What's the worst that can happen, you die? The fear of death is something you have to overcome or surely you will be completely lost when the time comes, and damn if im wrong it's comming.

Find a passion to occupy your time guy. I suggest looking into wildlife conservation, it always pays off.

Interesting post. I think a lot of people go through what you're going through.. Life is a learning experience.. Faith, assurance, understanding, strength all takes time to build.. These things are not instilled in us overnight.

I think we ALL have our weaknesses, and our strengths..
as far as religion and finding guidance..
IMHO, when we die there is no religion, or bible, or rituals, but only the connection b/t you and God (which is light). I believe that Religion can be a wall b/t yourself and God. I've personally found grace, and peace by focusing on that relationship, that spiritual connection and trying to leave everything else behind..

Give yourself a break many young kids go through that anxiety, you're young.. and you have a lot to learn..

You are either a Scientific Atheist, a Apathetic atheist, a Spiritual Atheist, an Agnostic, an Radical Atheist, an Angry Atheist or a Theist..pick one. Kinda in depth for an 15 year old..lol.

By Sucker:

I find this part of your post interesting. I feel like I experience the same thing. At night, I have to close the curtains on all of the windows, because then I feel like I am being watched. It doesn't necessarily mean that I am being watched, but the dark windows to the outside keeps making me feel that way. I think it's not knowing what can see you, and I think that is a freaky feeling. I am saying this, to tell you you are not alone in this particular feeling.

You whole post gives me a feeling, that you are unsure about a lot and afraid of it. There is a whole lot of life's experiences in front of you, that will educate and assure you. Meanwhile, a poster suggesting doing stuff, I think is a good idea. Actually, a lot of the answers here, I think are great! I also am amazed at how well written and well versed you are, for a 15 year old. I'm a mother of a 15 year old. I think you make a whole lot of sense, then a lot of adult posters I have read in the various bbs I have been and still go to.

HO HO HO hold on bro

You and I are the same dude no wait you, I and everyone else are the same. We all all afraid bro everyone is scared to death. As we grow older we just learn to mask it thats all. You've heard the old saying; "There's no atheist in a fox hole". well its true. When thoses mortar rounds start coming down around your position EVERYONE starts crapping there pants. When the babies sick running a high fever, when the car payments over due for the last time, when your significant other is out late one to many times that Fear your talking about pops out again to bite you on your ass. That panicy feeling you loath so much lurks in the heart of each and everyone of us bud. Welcome to the human race. Like they said as you get older you just learn to mask it alittle better thats all.
However there all techniques to quell fear. Try grounding yourself; Imagine a bright red beam of light like a red laser almost extending down your lower back and into the ground plowing all the way to the center of the earth hold it there in your minds eye. Feel the warmth of the lights energy coursing through you and deep into the earths molten core.
And remember a master weaponsmith cant make a beautiful sword with out heating and pounding steel, again, again and again, until all the impurities are beat out of it, and the metal takes shape. Thats what fear does to us its that weaponsmith (God if you will) pounding us and throwing us back into the fire again for another round of pounding until he can hold us up to the light, examine us carefully, and smile proudly another well crafted man or woman. Overly dramatic perhaps but true.

I"ve found this quote to help me alot.... " You are what you think about all day long..." meditate on this a while.
You must reject negative thoughts as they come to you. Instead of thinking about becoming what you don't want....think about becoming what you do want.... pretty soon you will have reversed your negative thinking and actually bring about positive things in your life.

Remember, what energies(negative/positive) you send out, you will get back.

blessings of peace & wisdom to you........

Excellent advice. No worries. You are 15 which is an enlightening/learning time in many people's lives. You have become more aware; that's all. Not everything is negative though. I'm old and I still have the "fear of the unknown" and I struggle with that all the time. Just close the shades down. Make your house more comfortable for you. Just live a healthy, moral and ethical life. Shankpin has given excellent advice on the religious aspect.

Hey, why don't you look into other belief systems or even philosophy? Sometimes that seems to settle me down. Think good thoughts, positive thoughts and try not to dwell on things that promote fear within you.

Take care Jody

You're a good prose stylist, Sucker. Many people report that feeling and imagery. Some people like it. Others are like you, finding it unpleasant or menacing.

So, take your pick. It is the essential feature of schizophrenic break. It is the consciously adopted goal of many people who pursue meditation. It occurs spontaneously as an acute crisis to about one-third of the US and UK population at one time or another during their lives, according to public opinion polls. It is a staple of art and literature around the world.

You make an excellent point about your life in relation to this feeling.


So, first things first, no? Before you court extraordinary experience, perhaps it would be best to prepare yourself.

Not to be literary back at you, but you might try meditating in that room that bothers you so much. By all means, bring your dog. Just sit there, be quiet, and stay that way for a while.

If you need an image to mull over, then perhaps this will serve. Selves assemble themselves. At any given moment, there are apt to be parts missing, or parts left over, or both. There's no law against undoing some of the assembly to make room for a do-over. Better to be sitting down when that happens.

If you sit there for a while, generously past the point where your anxiety is overtaken by your boredom, as it will be, you'll be thinking something like that or something better anyway.

Others had much good to say.

I would add that if you are, indeed, feeling like you are being watched, followed, in danger.... and are having fear going into certain rooms or in other aspects of your life, talk to your parents and talk to a doctor.

Could just be growing up, could be medical. Never hurts to check.

Ah...thanks guys..man, you guys are incredible.

I've stopped running around at night...I don't hesitate to be alone at night in my house, in fact my dog is now free from my room when she wishes to leave. While I still feel a bit strange when in the room, everything is much better now. I find that making a fire in the fireplace calms me down, and it's very easy to just sit down in front of it and stare into it.

I also feel like a lot of the fear was coming from reading many many stories on here for large portions of the day. It made me hyperactive and set my mind on full alert, which in turn manifested fear into myself and everything...

But I wanted to take the time to tell you guys that you helped me an insane amount, and this feeling of confidence and strength beginning to show itself inside me is something I can watch mature over time, as I get older, and I can look back in 5 years and laugh at this. By then I'll be having staring contests with windows at night