George Carlin’s New Rules
•No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
•Stop giving me the pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason that you don't talk to people for 25 years! It’s because you don't like them Besides I already now what the captain of the football team is doing.... Mowing my lawn
•Don't eat anything that is served to you through a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili...Hey it cost less than a dollar, what do you expect it to contain? Lobster?
•Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good we're done.
•There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this CR#! At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
•If your going to insist on making cra%py old television shows, then you're gonna have to give every one at the Cineplex a remote so they can see what’s on the other screens. Let's remember the reason that something wasn't a movie originally is because the idea wasn't good enough to become a movie.
Best lawyer story of the year
A lawyer purchased a very rare and expensive box of cigars, then insured them against (among other things) fire. Within a month, having smoked the his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having even made his first premium payment on that policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance policy. In his claim, the lawyer stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the regular fashion. the lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the company that the statement was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranrteed that it would insure them from fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligatedto pay the claim. Rather than endure lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling the ruling and payed $15,00 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars in the "fire". Now for the best part... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company arrested him on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and the testimony from the previous case against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months and a $24,000 fine.
I might post more later...
Full Version: when boredom struck
QUOTE (Chaos's_Realm @ Mar 11 2008, 09:27 PM) 
George Carlin’s New Rules
•No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
•Stop giving me the pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason that you don't talk to people for 25 years! It’s because you don't like them Besides I already now what the captain of the football team is doing.... Mowing my lawn
•Don't eat anything that is served to you through a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili...Hey it cost less than a dollar, what do you expect it to contain? Lobster?
•Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good we're done.
•There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this CR#! At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
•If your going to insist on making cra%py old television shows, then you're gonna have to give every one at the Cineplex a remote so they can see what’s on the other screens. Let's remember the reason that something wasn't a movie originally is because the idea wasn't good enough to become a movie.
•No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
•Stop giving me the pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason that you don't talk to people for 25 years! It’s because you don't like them Besides I already now what the captain of the football team is doing.... Mowing my lawn
•Don't eat anything that is served to you through a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili...Hey it cost less than a dollar, what do you expect it to contain? Lobster?
•Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good we're done.
•There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this CR#! At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
•If your going to insist on making cra%py old television shows, then you're gonna have to give every one at the Cineplex a remote so they can see what’s on the other screens. Let's remember the reason that something wasn't a movie originally is because the idea wasn't good enough to become a movie.
Hehe. I like this. XD It made me giggle a little.
QUOTE (Chaos's_Realm @ Mar 12 2008, 02:27 AM)
George Carlin’s New Rules
•No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
•Stop giving me the pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason that you don't talk to people for 25 years! It’s because you don't like them Besides I already now what the captain of the football team is doing.... Mowing my lawn
•Don't eat anything that is served to you through a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili...Hey it cost less than a dollar, what do you expect it to contain? Lobster?
•Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good we're done.
•There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this CR#! At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
•If your going to insist on making cra%py old television shows, then you're gonna have to give every one at the Cineplex a remote so they can see what’s on the other screens. Let's remember the reason that something wasn't a movie originally is because the idea wasn't good enough to become a movie.
Best lawyer story of the year
A lawyer purchased a very rare and expensive box of cigars, then insured them against (among other things) fire. Within a month, having smoked the his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having even made his first premium payment on that policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance policy. In his claim, the lawyer stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the regular fashion. the lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the company that the statement was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranrteed that it would insure them from fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligatedto pay the claim. Rather than endure lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling the ruling and payed $15,00 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars in the "fire". Now for the best part... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company arrested him on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and the testimony from the previous case against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months and a $24,000 fine.
I might post more later...
•No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out stuff you want and having other people isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
•Stop giving me the pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason that you don't talk to people for 25 years! It’s because you don't like them Besides I already now what the captain of the football team is doing.... Mowing my lawn
•Don't eat anything that is served to you through a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili...Hey it cost less than a dollar, what do you expect it to contain? Lobster?
•Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good we're done.
•There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this CR#! At the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
•If your going to insist on making cra%py old television shows, then you're gonna have to give every one at the Cineplex a remote so they can see what’s on the other screens. Let's remember the reason that something wasn't a movie originally is because the idea wasn't good enough to become a movie.
Best lawyer story of the year
A lawyer purchased a very rare and expensive box of cigars, then insured them against (among other things) fire. Within a month, having smoked the his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having even made his first premium payment on that policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance policy. In his claim, the lawyer stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the regular fashion. the lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the company that the statement was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranrteed that it would insure them from fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligatedto pay the claim. Rather than endure lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling the ruling and payed $15,00 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars in the "fire". Now for the best part... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company arrested him on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and the testimony from the previous case against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months and a $24,000 fine.
I might post more later...
I didn't read this.
QUOTE (Donkey_Show @ Mar 17 2008, 03:10 AM)
I didn't read this.
i didn't read this
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