First my sister and I are very close....maybe to close. We live together with my 2 children and our mom we had our home built 2 years ago it's big and roomie and we are very happy in it......well maybe not. My sister lost her husband to cancer back in 1990 and in 1995 started dating a guy who was a good guy but was a mama's boy anyway they were together for 13 years with a promise of marriage but when my sister gave him a ultimatum he said he did not want to get married so she ended it. Now she's doing this on line dating and I am worried. She has had many dates but nothing that lasts I dont like the fact that she has brought some of her dates to the house only knowing them for a short time and some of them have stayed over night....take last night she has been talking to this guy for about a month never met him well she picks him up to go to a party at her friends house and then brings him back home to stay the night. This is the first time she ever met him. I always have my guard up and trust no one especially some one I dont know. My children are 16yr and 4 yrs my mom 75yr and she brings this guy over to sleep in our home and meeting him for the fist time that day. Well I told her about it and yea the sh*! hit the fan. Am I wrong to confront her on this? I worry about my children and my mom. I dont know this man in fact she really dont eaither she only knows what he tells her. Advice please.

Did he "sleep" with her? Is he from out of town or something?
If she's whoring around in front of your kids, and her own mother, it's a moral issue. If she can't be respectful/discreet about who she is "doing", she needs to go somewhere else, period. The guy is LOW BUDGET if he's banging her there. I think you guys should have set some guidelines about dating to begin with.
If she also owns the house, or even pays rent (especially if it's in writing), you're screwed.

Awww ASOP, your sister sounds like a very lonely person, and to me she's going about meeting someone the wrong way...I would feel like you also, especially with the kids and an elderly mom..You see, I trust very few people, and this is a situation that I would be wary about....You said you all live together, so I'm assuming your sister pays her share, which in terms means she can tell you to butt out, and what would scare me, is she knows nothing about these men, and she's taking a terrible chance...Like I said before, I don't know her circumstances by I would literally sit her butt down and tell her it has to stop, that your looking out for your family, which apparantly she isn't, and if it continues (as much as it is going to hurt), she is going to have to find somewhere else to live..I've read your other post's about protecting your children, and to me the word Pedophile always pops in my mind...Your sister sounds very trust-worthy or is just looking for any kind of companionship that she can get...I'd just be firm, get my point across and if it went on, I'd tell her to leave...I know it's touchy, but that's just me...Hope it all works out for you...

Thanks guys. My sister owns the house but she always says "It's our house" because we both designed it...well its in her name and my mother and I pay for everything just as she does. She said nothing happened but they did sleep in the bed together. She has dated other men tho that yea some thing happened. She said this guy is really religious and I saw on the table in her sitting room a bible which dont mean squat to me and if he's so "religious" why not go home or to a hotel. She brings up my past but I tell her that I grew up with my then boyfriends I knew them well and I did not have children. I feel she is wrong and my daughter who love's her auntie more then anything asks questions like why is that man in her room etc. I love my sister but this is going to far and I told her if she does not stop this I will leave. I want my sister to meet some one but she is going about this in the wrong way.

Hi ASOP

It's a tricky one this. On the one hand, it is her house as much as yours, and as she's an adult, doesn't really need permission to have people staying over. On the other hand, I'd feel exactly the same way you do if I were you and I'd have probably said something like you did too.

What I suggest is that you have a good heart to heart with her and tell her why you feel this way, maybe you could come up with some house rules that suit all of you? I think you have a right to say "look, I'm happy that you're getting out and meeting guys, but I really, really don't feel comfortable with you bringing them home when you've just met them - for the the children and mom's sake, and also for YOUR sake", tell her you don't want to move out and that you want to find a compromise to this situation. I'd try and build bridges with your sister and try not to leave on a sour note if it came to it.

Good luck ASOP.

If she owns the house, all you can do is tell HER to explain to her niece why she sleeps with different men. Then, put locks on your doors (and the kids). Maybe she'll get the hint.

With the house in her name, that settles that When the little ones start asking questions that's tough, and I'm sure you don't want to leave the house and your mom. Talk to her again, tell her what your daughter has been saying, sometimes the word's of a child get through faster than an adult's.. If she realizes that this is upsetting to her niece, she may do a 360 on briinging these guys home.

Thanks again. You guys are the BEST.

Wow that is very tough, especially as there are kids involved.

But as it is her house, and she obviously wishes to resume dating/meeting people/ having 'sleepovers' I suppose all you can do is explain to her that it is uncomfortable for you and the rest of the people living there.

If she continues to do so it will be up to you as the house 'guest' to make your move, if you feel it is totally inappropriate for your children/mother.

Good luck. I love my sister, and we hung out on the weekend. But if we spend to long together she also drives me BATTY!!!!

What's her number?

I agree, and with predators out there, they are looking for such situations. Most likely your sister is going through a tough time, and when that happens, the mindset doesn't comprehend the dangers to the others in the house. I hope that she needs to see it from another point of view, for her to realize what she exposed her mother, sister and nieces to.

Oh she is your sister, always will be. I am sure your sister has a heart and a soul...

Pavot

I will let ya's know how it goes but I tend to loose my temper at times she tends to think she know's everything at times and I want to slap the sh*! out of her but I would never. I would never to think my sister would be like this.... I told her this on line dateing is bad stuff my sister is very smart I just dont know what is going on with her.

I know exactly what she is doing, because i went through the same thing myself, when i broke off my long relationship i went a little nuts and started acting like your sister. I was back living at my mums then too, i used to have guys come to my house so i could meet them for the first time, because i didnt really know them and my house felt safe and comfortable for me to do that. i had a few of them stay over as well, in my bed but nothing ever happened.

How is meeting anyone online any more dangerous than meeting someone at a pub or meeting anyone anywhere for the first time for that matter?

I tend to disagree with the idea that if you meet someone at a club or church or something you can suddenly tell if they're a creep or not just because you can look at them. Meeting new people is always going to be somewhat risky no matter what.

And as for morals on who people sleep with, I think it's up to the individual. As long as they wear protection etc.

The only real issue I think is that there are children in the house and that the sister feels uncomfortable with it. Sure it's her house, but maybe she needs to show some consideration and take it elsewhere.


Maybe my perspective is a little different because the U.S is a lot more conservative than other Western countries these days.

you have every right to be upset.

first off meeting someone online can be dangerous. and to bring them home ? first date ? extremely stupid and dangerous. not to mention disrespectful to you , your kids and to your mother as well as herself !

I see she owns the house. Still as adults you and your mother should sit down and try talking to her. set some sort of ground rules especially since there are kids in the houses.

That definitely IS a tough situation in which to be. However, usually when you go to someone with a problem, you should also be prepared with a solution, or several. Aside from the obvious "stop bringing strange men home with you", you could try a different approach. Tell her that you understand her need to find someone special, but ask her if she can get the guy to spring for a hotel/motel room for the night if she plans to "sleep" (either meaning applies here) with him. It's really NOT about whether she meets the guy online or out in a bar. It's still the same, because you have no idea what the man is like either way. You could know a man for years, grow up with him, in fact, and still NEVER know the type of things he may be capable of. Same goes for men dating new women. (Think Fatal Attraction and boiled bunnies, people). You only know as much of a person as they allow you to see.

You could sit down and make a list of possible solutions or compromises. Don't rule out you, the kids and mom staying elsewhere for the night, even if it is an inconvenience. If your main issue is safety, then sometimes, it's a matter of doing what you have to do to obtain and keep it. You could also ask that she warn you prior if she thinks she may be inviting the man back over, and that if she does not give you that warning, you expect her to stick to it.
It may be hard to be able to keep your cool with your sister, especially considering the threat you feel toward your children and your mom. Worst case scenario: Your sister tells you to take a flying leap. If this happens, you may just have to tell her that while you've loved living with her and you will miss it, you can't continue wondering if some weirdo may come in with her one day and hurt someone in the family. But, be sure you are prepared to stick to it. Start looking for apartments or homes for rent, and tell her that your mom is coming with you and the kids.

It does seem she is still going through pain after losing her spouse (those things are never easy to just "get over", even after many years). And the rejection of the long-term boyfriend is probably still devastating her. Perhaps in her mind, she replaced her husband with the boyfriend, and when she lost the boyfriend, she felt the pain of losing her husband all over again. She does seem to be trying to lose herself and her problems/worries by having strings of guys coming through. To her, it all makes sense, because she's "shopping" for Mr. Right, and trying to recapture something that she feels she's lost. But, really, she needs to be looking within and trying to heal her heart. It's sad, but she has to realize that her decisions affect everyone who loves her. Until she figures out that she has to be happy with herself, she won't be able to find what it is she is looking for (in the arms of a man).

LOL - too funny

Yeah - she probably shouldn't be looking for love in the eharmony way... she could end up with a whackjob - OR EVEN WORSE a UM member

Good morning to all. Over here in the U.S its 9:30am and I just read your posts. Thanks for caring some of you made me laugh (Sweetpumper and BiffSplitkins) you all have been helpful. Yes I agree meeting some one on line is no different then in a pub but I always say meeting some one in a pub or were ever at least you see them first at hand and can see who they are with the way they act etc. But yea they can be just as dangerous or a big looser. I love my sister more then life I really do I have always been very protective of her since the loss of our other sister. My sister was never a fighter or stood her ground and kids in school knew that and would some times bully her she's smart but not "street" smart and I tell her that not all guys are harmless even tho you might think they are.Her late husband was THE BEST and I think she is trying to find that special some one like he was. She says I should go out and meet some one im always home but I dont have any intrest at this time my hands are full with my little girl and my mom who is almost totally blind and cant walk well anymore let alone a whole lot of other medical problems. My son he's not a problem "lately". I cant tell you all how greatful I am for your advice,comments I do enjoy chatting to everyone on UM.

Good advice! Make it so obvious she would have to be blind not to notice!