Being a moderator is all about responsibility and knowing what is and is not appropriate on a message board.

For those reasons many members contact me by email to ask for advice in certain situations. This is a glossary of questions asked and answers given by yours truly:


Q: Dear Phantom: How long should my signature be? -- jerseydevil666

A: Dear Jersey: Please try and make your signature as long as you can. It's much more important than your article, of course, so try to have more lines of signature than actual text.

Try to include a large picture of some weird anime character, plus lots of cute quotes and slogans. People will never tire of reading these pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally associated with the joy each reader feels at seeing yet another delightful repeat of your signature.

==

Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction.

==

Q: I saw a long post that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I do?

A: Include the entire text with your post, particularly the signature, and include your comments closely packed between the lines. Everybody *loves* to read those long point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, pooface!" exchanges.

==

Q: How can I choose what subforums to post in?

A: Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you should only use subforums where you think the post is highly appropriate. Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.

==

Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your posts look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

==

Q: How should I pick a subject for my new thread?

A: Keep it short and meaningless. That way people will be forced to actually read your post to find out what's in it. This means a bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for.

==

Q: They just announced on the radio that the United States has invaded Iraq. Should I post?

A: Of course. The net has been created for communication. It's the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the broadcast networks have covered them. As you are probably the only person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can.

==

Please continue to mail with any questions regarding this forum or netiquette in general. I will be delighted to give you advise. After all, that what's a moderator is for.

Love to all,
Phantom










NOTE: this is intended to be satirical. If you do not recognize it as such, consult a doctor or professional comedian. The recommendations in this article should recognized for what they are -- admonitions about what NOT to do.

Ok, man I get the point sheesh...

Why didn't you just say. If want to know what NOT to do, simply look at X-File's Signature

Hey Phantom,

My dog keeps licking herself, Is that normal?
Thank you,

McGinty

You did make these up Phantom didn't you ?.....please say you made these up


Hmmmmm * is now too scared to ask Phantom any more questions *

Dear Phantom,
Under my name it says I am a Paranormal Investigator. I don't want to be a Paranormal Investigator. I want to be a Conspiracy Theorist. Or Forum Divinity. What should I do?

Hey now, lets not talk about stupid anime characters, or I'll start calling your avatar some names man_in_mudboots.

Dear Phantom,

My dog keeps licking McGinty's dog.
Is THAT normal?

Dear Phantom, I have a fatal case of
Headinass syndrome, I have been told as
of right now there is no cure.

Any advice on how I can keep this from
having an influance' in my posts in the
future?

Gazz

Dear Phantom,

How do you get your hair so silky soft?

Hey, it does work! Thanks Phantom!

Dear Phantom,

I am having some trouble understanding the exact meaning of some of the
smiley faces.

Can you help?

What does this one mean: ?

What does this one mean: ?

And lastly, what does this one mean: ?

joc

not to mention this one:

Dearest Phantom,

Hey those dirty links you e-mailed me are not working. So whats up with that. And don't get smart with me or I will tell everyone about the dirty links you asked for from me.

And while I am asking try tackling this one...If everything tatses like chicken what does chicken taste like?



Syko

hey wet orgy doesn't work

Dear Phantom,

I accidently raised the dead and they're eating people. What should I do?

Dear Phantom,
Could you please advise me. Why is it when I choose a new avatar (fantasy woman or one of me) it seems to cause such a stir ?












*notice that tongue is firmly in cheek

Dear Phantom

i sawa bright lightoutside my house in sky it moved real quick and when i looked back it was gone AWESOME !!!!!also my mom thinks the cat is posesd it meeow ALL the time mom thinks it posesd by my uncle Melchizadec he was a BAD !!! man i said to my lil brother that the bright light was UOF but he sais no just a playn.

What do you think?

Phantom Posted on Feb 29 2004, 01:59 PM

Need Some advice

Im a human-alien hybrid called Hamster357 put in charge to save the world from the evil talking cars


Any tips on how to take the gas guzzlers out , a cheat perhaps ?

Very good sport, Kimm.

lol

Dear Phantom,

My parrot (who often likes to mimmick me) has been expressing his distaste for you with threats and obscene swears.I have no idea how he learned those words.I'm guessing it was those damn teenagers but I'm not sure.Can you enlighten me as to who has taught him this?

Sincerely, Cercea

Dear phantom

It seems for some reason when I tap two normal sticks together , My mind enters a differant realm and allows me to create my own universes . I need help deciding whether or not I have contacted the veil and have broken the wall ... or do I need to be put in a very tight jacket with long sleeves ?

this is insane

Dear Phantom,

Ok, so I got alittle carried away the other night when I found my mother out with my ex. I wished them both away into nothingness, and they actually disappeared. Only problem being that I have no idea where the old bat hid the will. Any guidance on how to cantact her?

Many thanks,

SF78

Deer Fantom,
my dog has toy n it squeeks and its very anoyying she keeps gettin it even affer i take away from her i take it n i put it on the shelf and i hear it squuekin again when she finds it and i don't know what is happenin an i am scared cause of the squeeken when i take it from her an she gets it again n i don't know how it is happenin when i take it from her and she gets it again how is she getting it again after i take it from her
what should i do

Dear Phantom

Somebody recently told me that I was visiting their dreams and doing naughty things. I am sure it wasn't me because I am a Lady and wouldn't dream of invading somebody's dreams like that and I don't remember doing it either. Was I having an OOBE ?


Sincerely thistle


P.S Should it happen again, how would I go about making sure I remember it ?

Dear Pahntom,

The other night Thistle invaded my dream and did some really cool naughty stuff with me. However, as much as I liked it I am now in a moral dilemma as I wonder if this is considered cheating on my wife. Also in the dream she promised to come back and do it again. Should i go with it or block her from my dreams?

Phantom,Feb 29 2004, 06:44 AM Dear Phantom:
It has been too many months between orgies for me. Could you please correct the LINK? Thank you! :whistle