Okay, I know this is a unexplained mysteries website, but I like you people on here and I want your opinion about something 100% off topic.

Hear goes, I moved a year ago from a small town near my parents and sister. The move was due to a better job op. for my husband, but a part of us considering the move was due to my family. My sister had a baby, and then the father dissapered. I was the full time baby sitter of her child, no big deal. I love the little guy. Well then I had a baby and after trying and trying I realized that I could not care for my newborn, my two sons under five and a seven month old. I just was not cut out and the children were stressed, I was dealing with healing after giving birth and regaining my energy and frankly it was not a good situation. I informed my Mother and my sister that I am sorry but I just cant take her baby full time any more, maybe once or twice a week but not daily.
Alot of tears and guilt trips lator I still ended up with her child despite my telling them I could not handle it. Well a few months go by, my sisters son turns out to have some issues, He cried for an hour at any loud noise and was very dependant on me. He learned to walk and open doors and gates. One day I was working in my fenced in yard with my daughter in the playpen and the three boys playing. I noticed I could not find my sisters son, I paniked searched everywhere and finnaly a man pulls up in my yard and says that he found him on the railroad near our home!!!! He naturally called the cops and we were investigated for child neglect (nothing came of it I really am a carefull mother). After that I once again told my sis and mom that I cannot handle that many kids that young. And once agian I was guilted into continuing to keep him. One day the baby went missing again (he was very good at opening doors and he found a hole in the bottom of the fence. I found him near the pond in our yard.

That was enough, I could not do it anymore or one of the kids would end up hurt or worse. So when my husband had a chance to move halfway across the country we took it! (easyer to move 1300 miles than hurt someones feallings)

So now a year lator the baby is being raised by my mom, his mother likes to party more than be his mother and she is pregnant again.

My sister punches my mom, screams at her, throws temper tantrums worse than her two year old son, and is very unstable. In sixth grade they diagnosed her as borderline *******ed, but nothing ever came of it.

Well my Mom is on the verge of gaining custody of her two year old, and adult custody(I am not sure what it is called) over my sister due to her mental unstability. My mom says that if she is granted authority over my sister (she's 22 and truellly unstable) then she will also be granted custody over her unborn child. And she wants me to adopt the baby.

This leaves me torn in a million pieces. On one hand my baby is now two and that is how far apart each of my kids are spaced so I am sure I can handle it this time, and I know I will love the little boy, I already worry sick over him as my sister is doing things she should not while preg. But my husband is very hesistant about getting back into all of that and worries that we can not afford another child. He will do what I wish and he is a good man who will grow to love another persons child, I know this about him. But he is basically against the idea.
My other hesistation is that my sis is unstable, I know this but when she takes her meds, she is borderline sane. I do not wish to take a child from his mother, when the mother could if she would simply take meds, to be sane.

I truelly don't know what to do. A part of me wants to say yes I will adopt her son, because I honusty don't think he will live if she is his caregiver, but I love her and don't want the fact that she gave up another child to be on her shoulders all her life (and if I do take him as my own he will NEVER be in her care even for an hour. I never left her alone with any of my biological children b/c I know how she is)

What should I do? Adopt the baby, even though my husband does not 100% agree (but will suport my descision) and I am not 100% sure we can handle it
or just step out of the picture as an option and let my mother, who already has to much on her table, working full time, failing health, dealing with an insane daughter who abuses her, and raising a two year old as her own. OR encourage them to give the baby up for adoption to a family who cannot have kids even though that would break all of our hearts as we would never see him again (that really is not an option as far as my mom is concerned)
Or what , what is the best thing to do??????????

I love my husband, my mom and even my sister who is causing this mess, I wish I knew the best outcome. . .

OMG What a mess your in.
I really dont know how to advise you on this. Is there any professionals you can talk to about this and see if they can help.
Maybe they could advise you on your options if you took him in like extra help from somewhere.
Im thinking your probably in america. I know in the uk here there are people who come round the house and help with childcare, house work ect all for free if it is needed to make sure the child or children get the best possible start in life. That is all done through either social services or childrens services though and some people are reluctant to go to them for help.
I think your very very brave and loyal to your family for wanting to do all this. And your husband sounds like an angel.
I truely wish you luck with what ever you decide. xxx

Yes, we are in America. My Mom has been talking to officials non stop to try to find an answer. One doctor told her that if she does end up with costody over my sister he will make sure she stays on her meds, by signing something that will make her spend a night in a wellness center when she refuses. (I know it sounds extream but she really is bad off.) But noone will help while she is pregnant because the meds can hurt the baby, meanwhile she is getting worse and worse. I worry she will kill herself or even my Mom. Yet every one my Mom tells seems to think she overstating the situation.. .

Thanks for your reply though.

Your poor mum must be driven crazy herself with all this. I have three kids and two of them have special needs and hit me ALOT. Thankfully Ive managed to get them the help they need while they are young.
Is there not a chance they can get your sister full time into a facillity somewhere until she is stable enough to look after herself and take her meds. It might ease the stress on all the family if some one else was looking after her. ( sorry if that sounds heartless )

You know I said the same thing to my mom today, she says that everyone tells that they want to wait till she has the baby before they start any treatment.


I am glad you found out about your kids early on, my mom has so much guilt over not beliveing there was an issue before it was to late. If a child is helped early on, then they don't have to wonder what is going on when things get rough. We are seeing the same symptoms in my sisters two year old and he already is showing alot of progress and my mom knows what to expect along the way and the right way to deal with it this time around (the dr. thinks he has autism, but it is not a 100%)

Best of luck to you.

I know this will sound incredibly unpopular, but is there any way your mother could, by law, have a tubal ligation performed on your sister? If she is so delayed and disturbed that she has to be in your mothers custody, I'd sure hope so. I feel bad for the little boy. He can't be getting adequate attention in such an atmosphere, can he? And if you do decide, you'd be taking the newborn, right? Why not have a nice family adopt the newborn and you take in the boy who really needs it? That'd be hell with three kids of your own, though. I don't know. It's a very tricky situation. If you think she's a threat to herself and her mother, someone ought to try to get her admitted to a hospital.

if your mother has legal control over your sister she could have her committed for both substance abuse and mental health. that may help put your sister on stable ground. they may also want to see if there still is contraceptive components that can be implanted ( like the kind that was used under the skin) because I doubt your sister is very reliable at taking meds.

If your mother finds she is unable to care for your sisters child and there is no other family but you , she should see about adoption .

I know you will feel guilt , but take on another child especially one with problems and find you can not handle it does all more harm than good.

I think they're all right but I want to add that if you and your husband are NOT 100% sure about this then you should not adopt the child. YOu have your own and you know how much commitment they take (I have 3 daughters...I'm not speaking blindly here) and how expensive they can be.

So, again, if you're not 100% sure AND if there is a financial concern, you should not do it. I know you'll feel horribly guilty, but you have a commitment to yourself, your husband and your children already.

Please try to find help for your sister...she needs it for both substance abuse and mental health issues.

Wow, a VERY similar situation happend in my family about 17 years ago (that's how old my eldest niece is).

My sister-in-law has adult fetal alcohol syndrome (she is adopted, her records were unsealed to discover what her problems might stem from) and was unable to care for her two children who are 2 years apart. When she gave up the first (we basically took the child from her) my in-laws wanted my husband and I to take her. I wanted to do it since I was unable to have more children and very much wanted another. My ex-husband said emphatically NO. It was one of the very few things he was ever right about.

What we finally ended up doing was gaining custody of Yona and arranged an adoption through Lutheran Childrens Services. The remarkable part of this adoption was that it's an open adoption! When the second little girl came along, she went to the same family to keep her and her sister together, they also have two adopted little boys as well.

We've become VERY close to their adopted family, spending holidays together, the girls adn boys call me their aunt, etc... it is a BEAUTIFUL situation. The girls are 17 and 15 now and could not be happier.

Intially my sister in-law was not allowed to see the girls for good reasons... there was the awful chance that she could snap and snatch one of hte girls back. However, in the last 8 or 9 years, she's stabilized a great deal, has her own apartment and has been able to maintain a menial but steady job with a grocery store. She does now see the girls several times a year. The girls know she is their biological mother, however they call her Miss Christiann, and know full well their mother can't care for them... but the ARE better off knowing her and their bio grandparents.

I can't stress how great this open adoption was for my nieces, our family, the girls, and yes, even their biological mother. It's beautiful.

As for birthcontrol? Right or wrong, I bribed my sister-in-law with $500 and a TV to have her tubes tied. She had been pregnant inbetween the two girls, a baby she lost in the 5th month of her pregnancy. As much as that sounds bad... it had to be done. My sister-in-law had been living on the streets and we could NOT risk her passing AIDS or another disease on to a baby. That was a serious risk as my nieces bio father (amazingly they have the same father) died of AIDS in prison. Luckily my sister-in-law and the girls escaped contracting HIV by some stroke of luck or a flat miracle, I don't know...

Your family should think about an open adoption for both children, my direct experience with them has been so incredibly positive, that I can't recommend them highly enough.

It might also be worth mentioning that my elder niece who is 17 now did suffer some lifelong problems. My sister-in-law disappeared with her soon after she was born and Yona suffered some fairly extreme negelect and malnurishment. Most of her school years were spent in special education classes and she suffers a few physical problems that might be connected to the neglect as well. However, all that being said, her adoptive parents have provided her with the best education and care, seh'll graduate from HS next year and she'll be going on to Community College afterward. It's turned out that suffering from malnutrition may have been why she's extremely interested in cooking. LOL. It's her desire to become a baker and cake decorator! She's pretty damn good at it too! She even had a parttime job in a bakery!

Getting Yona away from my sister in law required us to hire private investigators to locate her and my SIL. We found them on the move from Michigan to San Francisco on a bus, and we intercepted that bus in Wyoming and drug my SIL and baby back to Washington through bribary again since we NEVER could get custody of my SIL. Within days back in our state, we had social services all over the case.

She also disappeared with the second little girl, but we were wiser that time around and got her back before my SIL could do any damage. In the end, it took 4 years, a lot of tough love, to get Christiann to give the girls up, but she did, and it's been perfect for everyone. Even Christiann agrees now. The girls adoptive parents also acted as foster parents while we straighted the whole MESS out... They were heaven sent, and patient beyond belief.

As a family, we did a lot of unscrupulous things to make the adoptions happen, we lied, manipulated, strong armed and took full advantage of my sister in laws short mental capacity... we were flat slimy to be honest... we don't regret a second of it or a single thing we did to manipulate the situation into what it is today, which is a great family, happy children, and a reasonably happy birth mother too. Sometimes you do what you have to do to force the appropriate outcome. It's a dangrous game to play, but when played correctly, it's a win win for everyone.

*hugs*

Do what you feel is right and moral.

Bless you!
xcx

man seems you are in one heck of a situation.. and are being emotionally blackmailed big time. i guess no one can really tell you what to do. you have to weigh up all the options. and most importantly, what is going to be best for you and your family?
but one thing for sure is that your sister needs to stop having babies.. either get her on the pill, some depo or hysterectomy. it sounds rash, but it will stop more heart ache not only for you, but for your mum and any more kids that are to come.
good luck to you, i hope it all works out

you should adopt the baby since you care about him and your husband will support you. In the long term you will be happier and quilt free, and you are better choice that an orphanage.

Thanks for all your replys, I am still unsure about what to do but I have a four months to think about it as far as the baby goes.
No one will give my sis the help she needs right now b/c she is pregnant. I even called a suiside hot line and told them how she is threatening her life and my Mom and they said that while she is pregnant, no one will arrest her for fear of harm to the baby. . .
On a good note she does plan to get her tubes tied when she has her c-section. So this problem should not repeat itself.

And my Dad was out of town for business this last week and is returning today, so my mom will be safe.

Thank you all.