Mokele Mbembe
Mokele Mbembe is a totally lamo cryptid for so many reasons. The only thing that makes him less lame than Chupacabra is that at least he has the dignity not to suck goats. Oh, and he actually looks like somthing. But aside from that he's a fat pain in the butt. Mokele Mbembe is to Cryptozoology what obese people are to society; An embarrasment and a burden. Yeah, I just compared Mokele Mbembe to the obesity crisis and if you're tasteless enough to continue reading you'll soon see why.
Mokele Mbembe is a dinosaur who lives in the Congo.
In this image we can see a load of bullcrap being attacked by midgets. For this and similar events, get really high.
Now the first thing you think is "Gosh Undeadskeptic! I thought Dinosaurs were extinct!"
Well they are, stupid idiot. They were wiped off the face of the planet by a meteor and now they're all dead. As dead as Heath Ledger. Yeah, I went there. So how could Mokele Mbembe exist? He doesn't. Dinosaurs are dead, so Mokele Mbembe obviously can't possibly exist.
Creationists told me this is close minded thinking and that a few dinosaurs could have survived the 'flood' or somthing like that, but I wasn't listening too carefully as I was too busy threatening them off my property with a machete.
So with that behind us, why do so many cryptozoologists believe in Mokele Mbembe? Iunno, I guess they're on crack or somthing.
Where is the Congo exactly? It's in the deep heart of the unexplored African jungle. It's largely unmapped, very mysterious and full of weird beasties. ANYTHING could be thriving in there. Seriously, I wouldn't be suprised if somone found a giant toad with furry eyes and a pair of bat wings laying its eggs in their big toe there. So why is the only cryptid from there a Dinosaur? I mean are you kidding me? You've got all the room in the world to make up some kickas insane cryptid and you choose a dinosaur? Not even an interesting one, a big fat plant eating one. That's less original than another Matrix movie or jokes about Uranus. That's less kickas than a sloth with a diarreaha. It's less fun than being married to Tom Cruise. Its worse than being dead. As dead as Steve Irwin. Yeah, I went there. It just sucks.
All reports are exactly the same. Some explorer's been pretty bored, so he gets a joint, takes a whiff and a few seconds later he's on the track of unknown animals. Hears a few friend-of-a-friend stories, heads down to Lake Tele (Where most Mokele Mbembe BS stories are set) and surveys long and hard for any sign of the Nessie wannabe. When he comes back he's got one helluva story to tell about his encounter with a long necked dinosaur in the lake.
Yup. It's that un-original. Long neck, grey complexion, occasionally if they're being daring a small horn on its nose? Why not include a nice big barcode on its belly too, with made in China underneath?
I just cannot get over his lamness. Even the natives who claim to have seen the animal describe it as a rhino or an elephant usually, mostly it is reffered to as just a spiritual being or some crap like that. It's not real!
Just writing about this cryptid is like vomiting up my own spleen whilst a wild boar gnaws off my toes.
Dr. Karl Shuker is the leading cryptozoologist on the Mokele Mbembe matter. He has been on two expeditions to find the beast and both failed miserably because Mokele Mbembe isn't real. Despite this he continues to believe. He is of course, totally wrong and a complete idiot for believing, but we should all try to be tolerant of others beliefs. That's what I'm told, I just don't give a crap. Karl reckons that the best hope of proving this animals existence is to find a recent body from a deceased specimen. Nice going Karl, prove dinosaurs aren't dead by finding a dead one.
I take that back, Bill Gibbons is the real leading cryptozoologist when it comes to bullcrap. He is also a professor, which really makes you think. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that whoever gave Gibbons his degree was off his face and in the middle of a wedding in Las Vegas. He was probably also a midget. Do you trust midgets? Didn't think so.
Dinosaurs are dead. Dead like Elvis Presly. Yeah, he's dead. Get over it.
The Congo deserves a better cryptid.
Mokele Mbembe doesn't exist.
No. I can't just leave it there. Mokele Mbembe is simply SO BAD I cannot leave it there. It's like being trapped in a collosal steaming heap of bullcrap that you only get more stuck in the more you try to escape.
Seriously, who believes this trash? Dinosaurs are dead! Even children know that! There is no evidence, save for a few totally blurry photo's that some jerkoff with photoshop made whilst googling 'bo0bs'.
This picture of a fatso swimming with one arm in the air is often mistaken for a dinosaur. No, fat people aren't dinosaurs. Dinosaurs got killed by other dinosaurs, not heart attacks.
Somtimes Mokele believers, who I generally refer to as idiots but can be called many things, turn to the 'Sirrush' as evidence for Mokele Mbembe. Whats Sirrush? Its this drawing of a vaguely dinosaur-like animal on the Ishtar gate in Babylon. Yes Babylon. That's not the Congo is it? No. But it is said to be based on stories from travellers and those who had seen the Monster. But how could it be? No one has ever seen a Mokele Mbembe. He doesn't exist. So how could they have seen him? Therefore the Sirrush can't possibly be a Mokele Mbembe.
Furthermore the Sirrush is a crap drawing anyway. Seriously, it's a peice of crap. What idiot carved that in a wall? Thats like having a beautiful new fancy gate, then letting a paranoid schizophrenic get out a crayon and draw on it. Why the hell would you put some animal a few travellers told you about from another country on your lovely gate? To crapify it?
The Sirrush and a dinosaur. Aren't the similarities amazing?
The Sirrush could represent anything from a lizard to a tiger with the right amount of distortion. In fact, it looks more like a Jaguar than it does any known species of dinosaur, let alone the Mokele Mbembe. Its probably just for decoration not a representation of a real creature. But the believers don't accept it. Why? Because they're mentally unstable I guess. Well that's a little harsh. After all Bill Gibbons is a professor. A midget professor. Do you trust midgets? Didn't think so.
Surely there must be a tinsy bit more evidence you say. Well, no, there isn't. Not even after over 60 expeditions to the Congo devoted to finding the monster. Yes, you read correctly, 60 expeditions and not a scrap of evidence. Lets assume a bare minimum of 15 people goes on each expedition. That equals about 900 people who believed in the Mokele Mbembe. 900. NINE HUNDRED morons!
Mokele Mbembe is so stupid it is causing child poverty in Ethiopia. It is making the honeybees vanish. It killed Mother Teresa with its sheer stupidity. Yeah I went there.
I would rather have a pair of scorpions make love in my throat than continue to even write about it!
But I can't stop! It's a contagious disease that spreads slowly and horribly throughtout your entire body like leprosy! Fun fact: Mokele Mbembe hates lepers. What a jerk.
Mokele Mbembe should be put to practical use. People should be asked if they believe in it, and if they see yes they legally have to have DUNCE tattoed into their forehead. Now that's useful.
So go on.
Stop googling bo0bs.
Yes shut both windows, the german models will be there when you get back.
Take a deep breath.
And get over Mokele Mbembe.
Yes, I am your saviour from this crappy cryptid. But what of me? Sadly, it is to late for me. Mokele Mbembe is now with me always. Haunting my mind. I can't bear it. So I am leaping into a volcano now, to end the madness. In a few seconds I'll be as dead as the American public is inside. Yeah I went there.
~ UDS
(I might do another cryptid if I find time this week, if you have any suggestions do PM me
)
nice rant undeadskeptic hehe 
