WOMEN?S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need talk = I need to talk
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset you moron
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
14. It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
15. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
16. I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good football
match to watch

MEN?S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What?s wrong = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you some time? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have
sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with
you in the next three minutes
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you
15. I don't think those shoes go without outfit = I'm gay

NAMES

If Laurie, Linda and Elizabeth go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laurie, Linda and Elizabeth.

If Mark, Chris and Eric go out they will affectionately call each other
Fat Boy, Godzilla and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris and Eric will each throw in £20, even
though the entire bill was only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they actually want the change back.
When the girls get the bill, out come the calculators.

MONEY

A man wil lpay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item
that she doesn't need but is on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom; a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
bar of soap and a towel from the Travelodge. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
with most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new one.

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren?t looking,
men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn?t. A man marries
a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dustbin,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
his house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There?s no use in two people
remembering the same thing.