just lettin ya know, i watched this movie last year and i never plan on watching it again. by writing this review, i highly recommend that no one rent this movie. ever. it isn't the worst movie i've ever seen, "Spookies" takes that honor, but this is easily number 2. it was so terrible, thinking about it makes me rather angry. anyway, on with the review.

Carnivore was a movie i noticed on the shelves of my movie rental outlet, and i knew right away that it was a B movie. other then never having heard of it before, the case looked really cool. mainstream movies very rarely make cool looking cases, in my opinion. i read the synopsis on the back and was very intrigued. basically, it goes like this (courtesy of IMDB): "A government experiment goes totally wrong as a creature confined in a hidden lab inside and abandoned house escapes. Afterwards, some teens show up to have a little fun in the house, not knowing that the beast is loose and watching them. " sounds hopeful, eh?

i don't know who any of the actors were, nor do i care. i fear that by even mentioning their names, they'll become aware of it and be encouraged to try their hands at acting again. the way i figured it, all of the people in this movie either had the director owe them money and this was restituion, or the makers of the movie raided a subway station, grabbed random people, gave em make-up and costumes and threw them in front of the camera. the best words that can describe every aspect of every "actor" in this movie are "spoiled ham." the best actor of the bunch is the scientist introduced at the begining of the movie who is killed in the first 10 minutes by the obviously mentally retarded title creature.

the Carnivore's motivation is...well, i really don't know. after accidentally escaping the lab he was in, he opens some shades and seemingly has a panic attack when he sees the porch. he hides in the chimney and steals a beer from the group of teenagers (30 year old actors playing teenagers, of course) and that is the monster's only winning moment. for the rest of the movie it scampers around the house killing people that scare it or, if i understood the movie right, get it horny.

i bet you're wondering what it looks like. "chico," you say, "surely the budget of the movie could have been squandered on the monster, the moronic carnivore?" to this i answer: hell no. the monster is a skinny guy wearing nylons on his arms and legs, a stupid mask with sharp teeth and a very wavy mane of feathers/fur, and a hacked up feather boa wrapped around wrists and ankles, much like a dolled up french poodle. the claws looked alright but were so explosively clean and white, they were unnerving.

i really don't know if the movie's plot lived up to it's synopsis. it was hard to follow and had many, many, many needless plot points. it had excrutiatingly excessive dialogue, most of which was made to define character but failed miserably, only annoying, alienating, and aggravating the viewer. i couldn't follow what was going on at all.

thankfully the Carnivore was killed in a hail of gunfire, if memory serves. i was so happy. then i found out it didn't really die and the movie was left open for a sequel. a few days later, i had calmed down from my rage.

LESSONS LEARNED: yes, this movie DID have some lessons, even if they were nigh-impossible to figure out.
1. When making a secret government lab, build a house on top of it. The reason for this is if you make a monster which escapes, a well made front porch will simply blow it's mind.
2. Hiring people as actors to resolve debts will NEVER work out to anybody's benefit.
3. The only thing to make a monster scarier, other than by getting a fuzzy mask, is with nylons and feather boas.
4. If you want to be entertained when in my presence, ask me about this movie; i will rant and rave for hours.
AND THE BIGGY:
* An in-depth review of government workers: scientists are very trusting towards horrible creatures and always have a nemisis; male governement agents have no necks, curly hair, and get aroused by big guns; females in any aspect of government are plucky do-gooders with hearts of gold and all that sappy crap and can befriend and understand an abomination of nature incredibly easy. *

i think this one was even longer then the leprechaun one...that'd be accountable to the rage.

almost forgot: you know those cliched lines that go along the lines of "it's quiet...TOO quiet..."?

this movie has about 384 instances of this cliche being used. this sin't an exact number, i just lightly mashed the number pad.

My God man, that sounds awful. Like a extremely botched version of Resident Evil..

Probably not as bad as Carnosaur, a movie about a desert community were the women start laying volociraptor eggs because of some chemical leak from a local military plant. The plant is also home to a t-rex which is fed any scientist who develops a conciense. At the end the main characters survive, only for the military to come into their caravan at the end machine gun them dead, and blast the bodies with a flamethrower.

Utter tosh.

Worst thing is it spawned like 5 sequals.

oh i've seen carnosaur...i think...one of the sequels, i dunno, bad movies sometimes blur together if they have a bunch of sequels.

things is, since i'm not sure if i've seen it or not, i will say this: i have met fans of the series, whereas for carnivore, i'm the only person i know who's finished it, and i cheated. near the end, i started fast-forwarding through the seemingly endless conversations about nothing to get to parts that looked like they served a purpose.

now for your protection i provide the cover art.


has the air of hope, now doesn't it?

I'm willing to bet you didn't have to stop fast-forwarding much. This sounds like a movie that deserves the MST3K treatment..

I've seen Carnosaur too. I agree with Talon, the ending was pointless and made me angry for no good reason..

poor poor mst3k...*sniffle*

that is one of the best shows ever made and they would have ripped this movie to shreds...it would have been lovely...

I think it's THE best show ever. I have all 10 regular seasons on DVD and tape and I re-watch them constantly. I probably should've posted this in the odd hobbies section, but it fits here too..

i've been trying to get those collections for years now. i don't know any place to order them and there isn't even a single episode available for rental or purchase in my town...

If you have Kazaa or something similar you can Download them for free! Otherwise a web search will bring you to any number of private collectors that will sell you copies. You've got to be careful with those though, the quality varies..

Castleforrester.com used to be pretty good about having episodes for sale..