Hi !! as you have probably guessed this is a new topic about proper jokes! does anyone have any jokes they care to share?

here is an old but sometimes funny one:

what do you call a fish with no eyes?

a fsh !! get it ?

or what do you call a scooby-doo that dives?

a scooby-diver !! i made that one up myself !!

a blonde walks into a bar. Next week she wakes up in a hospital bed.

I have one with Kismit in mind. Q:What is the differance between a pig and a kiwi ? A:A Pig wont make a kiwi of himself at a party ( no offence ment i am very fond of many a kiwi)




you just love livin on the edge don't you

A man, and his monkey walk into a bar. Immediately the monkey is getting into anything he can get his hands on, pulling clothes, eating the peanuts and pretzels..etc. The man went to reprimand his untrained monkey and accidently let go of his leash.
Needless to say, the monkey jumps off the bar onto the floor, and runs over to the pool tables. before the man could get to him the monkey picked up and swallowed a cue ball. The two pere promptly kicked out. The bartender told him he could come back when his monkey was trained.

Two weeks pass.

The man and his monkey walk into the bar. This time the monkey is quite well mannered. he took a seat next to the man and sat quietly. The bartender was amazed. He asked the man what he had done. "not much" he replied.
The bartender being quite happy that the monkey was not as disruptive, offered the monkey a cherry. The monkey took the cherry, examined it, and shoved it up his butt before eating it. Astonished, the bartender asked the man "what the hell did he do that for?"












"you would measure everything you ate too if you spent the last two weeks wishing you never ate a cue ball"

Bar jokes! My favourite!

Bloke walks into a bar with a giraff and orders some drinks, by the end of the night the giraffe is absolutely slaughtered and the bloke gets up to leave.

thebarman says: You can't leave that lying there!

and the bloke says: That's not a lion, that's a giraffe!

lol thbarman!

A man walks into a chemists and asks for some deoderant.
Chemist: "Would you like the ball type?"
Man: "No thank you the underarm type will do"

One of the best Military jokes i can think of off the top of my head..

Kinda "adult" themed.







The US Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of is head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96000.

The third one was a grizzly old General who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The General calmly replied "Vietnam."

another..

one heck of a retirement bonus

Ohhh the grand old duke of York,he had ten thousand men.....He's up in court next week! ! !


WOZ THAT BAD OR WOT?


Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,all the kings horses and all the kings men....Had scrambled egg for the reat of the week!


JUST AS BAD! ! !

A man walks into a bar and is surprised to see a tiny man no more than a foot tall playing the piano. When ordering his drink the man asks the barman about the tiny guy on the piano. The barman says he has a magic lamp which, when rubbed, a genie pops out of and offers one wish. the man asks if he can have a go and the barman hands over the lamp. The man rubs it and sure enough out popped the genie. "I grant you one wish" said the genie. The man quickly replied "i want a million bucks!" As soon as he had spoken, the room filled with mallards. "I wished for a million bucks" said the man "not ducks!". "I know" said the barman "the genies is a bit deaf. You dont think i wished for a twelve inch pianist do you!?"

LMAO

hey thanx for your jokes everyone!!! very much appreciated. Keep 'em comin guys!! let's get this pole up to the top!!! i think everyone could do with new jokes everyday, as the weather in the UK aint very good. smile !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a man goes to a brothel
the madam says the only available woman is of a rather large size and after a couple of minutes he decides,

what the hell

he enters the room and tells the woman that alls he wants to do is eat her out
the woman laughs and says that will be fifty quid

he pays and she opens her legs and down he goes
after a couple of minutes he gets something stuck in his teeth

he pulls up and spits a small bit of scrambled egg away and dives back down
a couple of minutes pass and he gets somehing stuck in his teeth again

he pulls his head up and spits out a piece of ham
still not deterred

he dives in for more and this time comes up with a small piece of mushy toast , his stomach turns repeatedly and he says to the prostitute

"I think i'm gonna be sick"
the prostitute laughs hysterically and says

"funny..........thats what the last guy did"

I don't know if this is a proper joke and I don't know what it means so I'm just gonna post it here instead of making a new thread.

I was chatting with my friend Michelle at work yesterday and she told me this one,

A guy was on a deserted desert for years until a attractive blonde woman came up in a boat, she came up to him and then said "when was the last time you had a drink of Whiskey?" She asked.
"Oh my god! Ten years!" The man said. And then she unzipped the left shoulder of her body suit and took out a flask of Whiskey. And he downed it. Then she asked: "when was the last time you had a smoke?" She asks. And he said: "oh my god! Ten years!" And again she unzipped the left shoulder pocket and hands him a pack of smokes. And he finishes the first one she said: "when was the last time you played?" She asks unzipping the front of her body suit. "Oh my god! It's been ten years since I played golf!" He said excitedly.

Ahhh, my friend Michelle has good ones!

Can't remember this one exactly, but here goes.


There's a brunette, hopping along the train tracks in the woods.
With each hop, she says '21'.

Hop '21' Hop '21' Hop '21'.

A blonde spies her.
"What are you doing??" Asks the blonde, but the brunette doesn't reply.
So the blonde decides to copy her. Together they hop along the tracks.

Hop. '21' Hop '21' Hop '21.

Suddenly the brunette spies a train comming. She hops off the tracks, and the train hits the blonde, splat, dead.

The brunette hops back on the tracks and hops along.

Hop. '22'

Oh Burnside! That's funny!

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction!


A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction!

^^^^^ those are real news reports

i know one is incorrect..

hmmm... well, it was on www.ehumorcentral.com

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=7][COLOR=purple]hey everyone I really appreciate all your great jokes because most of them really cheered me up!!!! i especially like the one posted about the 12 inch pianist but soz i can't remember who wrote it !!!!!!!! but thanks anyway!!! if you have anymore please feel free to use this pole to set them up on. Cheerz a lot, Love from $£xY T!g£r xxxx

A guy walks up to the barman in a pub and asks him "If I give you £500 will you let me urinate on the bar". The barman is a bit lost for words, but reckons its worth it for the £500, "OK" he says.
With this the man proceeds to wee all over the bar. "why did you want to pay me £500 just for that?" says the barman. "Because those three guys in the corner just bet me £1000 I wouldn't wee on your bar!" says the man.

There was a famous actor, who grew old and had to retire because his drinking had interfered with his abilities to rember his lines. One day a local theatre asked him if he would like a small part in one of their plays. The actor was so excited thinking this would be his chance to redeam himself and show everyone his talent again, even if the part had only one line for him to say. He got to the rehersal and they showed him what he was supposed to do. He had to hold a single rose with just his thumb and one finger, put it up to his nose, and say "Ah, the sweet aroma of my lover.", and than he was to walk off stage. He practiced and practiced, everything was perfect, it was just one line, he could do it. Opening night came, and it was almost time for the actors sene. He took a deep breath, and walked out on stage. The spot light beamed down apon him as he pulled his hand to his nose and articulated his line perfectly, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my lover." And then he quickly pranced offstage, so proud of himself. Once back stage, he saw the director who was irrate, he kept screaming, "My career is over!" The actor walked over to him and said, "Sir what is the problem, I didn't forget any of my lines." The director looked at him and said, "NO. YOU FORGOT THE ROSE!"

The other day I went to fill up my car at the petrol-sation, its a red Mini with a white roof. A couple in a the same car pulled up and the woman in the passenger side starts pointing and laughing at me. so i go up to her and say, "what are laughing at? do you think it's such a big coincidence that we've got the same car? there's thousands and thousands of these things produced every year, so it really isn't that big a coincidence that you should see someone with the same car as you, ok? I mean, if your husband had the same face as me or something, then THAT would be worth commenting on, so just stop, ok?" and then i looked a bit closer, and saw that he actually did have the same face as me, and that was what she had been laughing at all along.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."


A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"

How did the blonde get lipstick on her stearing wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn!

what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino...

hellifiknow

thats good, mr and mrs blobby walked into a cafe one day mrs blobby says, 'Blib blob blurb blibble blob blib blob' . mr blobby says 'don't talk with your mouthful.'

dont you think that is the funniest joke ever!

Who out there are blobby fans, and have more blobby jokes...

i'm a blond and i ahve to say blond jokes are so typically un true!